Captain Useless - A blog on the ocean waves

A couple of people have asked me why I call Matthew Offord "Captain Useless". Well all can be revealed. Knowing I've done a bit of sailing in my time and that various siblings of mine own boats of various sizes and shapes, a well meaning Tory suggested I should have a chat with Matthew Offord, as he does a bit of sailing. I jokingly replied "With old Captain Useless at the helm, we'd probably hit an Iceberg and sink, even if we were in the Welsh Harp".

Imagine my joy to read in the Barnet Tory Bugle, sorry the Edgware Times, that they've given the good Captain his own sailing blog. Now when I read this, I was actually quite excited. Before the children were born, I did quite a lot of sailing. Many notable and amusing things happened on various trips. Probably the funniest was when we sailed from the Hamble to Alderney, in the Channel Islands in 1991. We set off for Cherbourg, but due to wind & tides, diverted to Alderney. I'd taken along my Russian brother in law as extra crew. Whilst he had a visa for France and Great Britain, he didn't have one for Alderney. He was rather worried by this. In Russia, minor transit infringements are costly and time consuming. All my reassurance that nothing would happen could not calm him. As we arrived at Alderney, his worst fears were realised as the impressive German wartime battlements loomed into view. Igor is from the Russian naval port of Kaliningrad, so he could spot a well defended naval installation a mile off. I suspect he feared I'd landed him in a secret British Gulag for hooking up with my sister. When we arrived, he insisted on going to the customs post, to throw himself at the mercy of the officers (I'd said this was not necessary, but he didn't believe me). When we arrived, it was 4.55pm. I went with him, to make sure he didn't get into any scrapes. I explained that we'd been headed to Cherbourg, but the wind/tide had taken us to Alderney. The crusty old customs man sternly looked at Igor and exclaimed - "Come back in ten minutes". Igor replied "Why". The officer replied "Because I knock off in 5 and I'm going for a drink and there will be no one here". Igor said "What about the paperwork?" The officer replied "That's why I'm going to the pub". End of story. Igor must have liked it as they bought a boat and sailed it back to Kaliningrad.

I was rather hoping for a few such tales in Matthews blog. Unfortunately all we got was that he felt ill sailing to Cherbourg and that it will help him be a "great leader". I'm going to make a bargain here with Matthew. Give us a few salty tales, don't spend the whole blog telling us how marvellous you are and give us some indication that you have a love of the sea rather than just indulging in a character building exercise, and the I won't mercilessly rib you for writing such a load of old tosh.

It would also be nice to see a bit in the blog about local sailing such as at the Welsh Harp, given Matthews professed love of the sport. Excuse my cynicism, but it looks to me as if this blog is just an attempt to make our Captain more appealing to the voters of Hendon, if we get a few decent tales, I'll post a blog saying I'd got him wrong.