Brian Coleman, homophobia, bullying and emotional dyslexia

Following on from my post last week about the spat between Brian Coleman and John Biggs at the GLA, I've had a few emails which have cast a very interesting light on the personality of Brian Coleman and why he reacts in the way he does. This post isn't really about Mr Coleman at all, but in light of what I've read, I have to say my perception of him has changed somewhat. Scarlett did  a great blog about rejecting hate. This got me thinking. Brian Coleman is the same age as me - 47 - and he went to school a couple of miles from where I went. He was at QE Boys. Back in the 1970's when we both attended school, the environment was rather less benign for gays than it is today. I don't know what the atmosphere was like at QE boys, but at Finchley Catholic High School, it would have been virtually impossible to have been openly gay and not been on the end of sustained, vicious and extremely violent bullying. In the first year at school, one guy in our class got an erection in the changing rooms at PE. The result? He was beaten up and departed to St Ignatious. Our view of the situation as boys? We were pleased to be rid of him. In the fourth year, the school embarked on a sex education program. In one of the other classes in our year, the teacher told the boys that it was time to have a mature discussion about sex. He asked all the boys who regularly masterbate to put their hands up. One guy's hand shot straight up. To his horror, every other hand stayed down. He realised he'd made a terrible mistake. Within a couple of hours the word had gone round "Did you know that ***** ****** is a W**ker. He admitted it". Years later I discussed it with an old schoolmate and we both agreed that at the time our thought was "Why was he so stupid as to put his hand up" and that he deserved the hell he received on that basis alone. One of my best mates at Finchley and the guy who formed the band with me, Pete Conway, suffered 3 years of torment, as another guy had alleged that he sexually propositioned him. Pete was a very bright guy, but he had a terrible time. He was virtually shunned and he was seen as fair game for anyone who needed a punchbag. A couple of years after I left the school, I bumped into the guy who'd spread the rumour, in a pub. I asked him if what he'd said was true. As Pete had been his best mate at the time, it had been widely believed. He admitted he'd made the story up and said that he was ashamed of himself. He said that he'd said it as a joke and then felt he couldn't tell the truth. So if there are any ex Finchley boys out there who heard that story, now you know the truth.

I never, ever discussed the story with Pete. Our friendship effectively ended when he left the band in 1980. It's fair to say that he had a fair number of problems and issues. I attribute them all to the bullying he suffered. Having been raised in such a homophobic environment, it's fair to say that those attitudes were fairly deeply embedded in my personality when I left Finchley Catholic High School in 1978. I went to Orange Hill Senior High School to finish my education. That had a fair more liberal atmosphere. I was amazed to find that in our year, there was an openly gay guy who was accepted and not bullied at all (as far as I could see). At first, I couldn't understand how he was tolerated. I soon realised that maybe I was the one who had issues. Through music I soon met quite a few other openly gay people (which was a brave thing to be in the late 70's early 80's). One day, after a few beers, I asked about it. The answer shocked me "We'll you know how you look at attractive girls and get aroused? I don't, that happens with blokes instead". He went on to explain - "How would you feel if society insisted that you had sex with people you didn't find attractive and you were beaten up for just mentioning that you did find someone attractive. Would you feel that that was OK?". He went on to explain that most gays lead double lives, are hellishly miserable, try and suppress their feelings, take macho jobs where they can take their sexual frustrations out in other ways, often violently. He explained "Just suppose you were in constant fear that you'd get beaten up, because of the way you walk, talk, look at people, react to people. You soon learn to hide your emotions, suppress your feelings and erase all signs of your true nature to the outside world". He then explained (I don't know if this is true) that "Gay Rage" is an accepted defense in the courts of law. Basically, if you are a straight man and another man propositions you, you are allowed to beat them up, because you've suffered "Gay Rage".

What I hadn't really given any thought at all to, until I read a certain email I received recently, is what the long term effects of all this may be on the kids who were gay and were bullied at school. Brian Coleman is to be commended for the fact that he came out and is honest about his sexuality. What none of us can no for certain though, is how the repressive environment of the 70's would affect people. I was discussing this earlier in the week with a friend who is gay and they say that many gays develop a sort of "emotional dyslexia". In other words, they subconsciously misinterpret other people's actions and intentions as a form of defence mechanism. If you were worried about violence and bullying from people who may perceive you in a certain way, you automatically react in a very defensive/aggresive manner. You get your retaliation in first, be it verbally or physically.

Having thought very long and hard about this blog, and talked to a fair few people to sound out their opinions, the conclusions I have drawn are these. We can never allow schools to become places of violence, intolerance and bullying.  We have to, as a society, insist on the complete eradication of such behaviour. Playground insults for the bully pass as soon as they've left the lips. For the victim, they can last a lifetime. Next time I hear Brian Coleman sounding off at the British Olympic team, Lynne Featherstone or John Biggs, I'm afraid to say all I'll see is a small, vulnerable boy in a big school playground, desperately trying to fight off a bigger, nastier, scarier boy who has been tormenting the life out of him. I think that this is where the seeds of his behaviour were sown. What I had taken for so long to be arrogance, I actually now see as vulnerability. What I saw as rudeness I now see as defensiveness. Sadly in the case of Brian Coleman, I think that old axiom that "the biggest bullies were bullied themselves" is true.

I just hope we can move towards a society where we allow people to live their lives away from fear, hatred and persecution, whatever it's nature. I hope Brian Coleman reads this and the penny drops. He's a man of power and influence. The best way he could strike back at those playground bullies, is to work towards a fair and just society, where that little boy in the playground is happy and carefree.