When my daughter was about five, she asked me to explain politics to her. I explained. "Well, there's the Conservative Party and they are run by rich people and they hate poor people. Then there is the Labour Party, which is run by poor people and they hate rich people, and finally there's the Liberal Democrats and nobody runs them and they hate everybody". Whilst that explanation was good enough for my daughter all those years ago, it is clear that we need a more comprehensive and updated glossary of terms for the vast majority of us mushrooms. As such, the Barnet Eye is delighted to announce "The idiots guide to politics - First Edition". This is a guide for everyone who has a passing interest, but doesn't understand the all of the terms. Please bear in mind that the definitions found in this guide are only applicable to politics. For general usage, there are plenty of dictionaries.
Allowance - Cash (usually a large amount) given for non job for party lackeys to stop them moaning. Used to enforce party discipline. Often given in smaller amounts, just for turning up.
Cabinet - Bunch of people who have displayed an extraordinary talent for shafting their colleagues
Conservative Party - Bunch of posh people, pretending to be middle class and a bunch of middle class people who want to mix with posh people.
Consulatation - A money wasting exercise, conducted to find out why politicians should ignore the wishes of the people
Consultants - People paid huge sums of taxpayers money to write reports which no one reads, generally because they are completely unreadable. Successful consultants write reports, which recommend further reports written by yet more consultants.
Constituent - Person to be lied to every four years and ignored for the rest of the time.
Council - means of supplying otherwise unemployable idiots (councillors) with money in return for votes for bonkers schemes.
Councillors - 3 types, unemployable idiots in it for the cash, unemployable idiots in it for the status and very occasionally quite nice people who actually want to make things better in their locality. Generally the third group are the ones excluded from all decision making, usually spotted in Council chamber looking embarressed or cross.
Council Leader - The person who the majority of unemployable idiots think best suited for the job.
Democracy - A system of voting designed to ensure that the will of the people is ignored.
Election - An opportunity to decide which useless idiot is elected to the council and which purveyor of porkies is picked for parliament.
Election Pledge - Porkie specifically constructed to con the voter.
Expense claim - Amount of cash given to councillors and MP's in return for (often made up) out of pocket spending
First Past the Post System - Method for ensuring that the majority of voters in most constituencies are not represented.
General Election - Opportunity to replace one useless Prime Minister with another one that is usally even worse.
Government - The lot who are deemed winners in a general election
Hustings - Opportunity for politicians to lie directly to the voter in person.
Inquiry - Method of avoiding taking action when there has been a cock up for long enough so people forget why they were cross.
Jail - Where really stupid politicians end up, when they are either so incompetent or so greedy that they want allowances they are not entitled to and can't lie effectively enough to hide their tracks
Labour Party - Bunch of middle class people, pretending to be working class and a bunch of working class people trying not to be completely shafted by the middle class people pretending to be working class
Lib Dem Party - A bunch of people who want to get into bed with whoever has the biggest **** (in a political sense of course) and another bunch of people who are highly embarrassed at such behaviour
Manifesto - Long list of porkies, designed to con the general public.
Majority - Meaningless term. At present we have a Government no one voted for (Con / Lib Dem was not an option on ballot paper) and they have the "majority of MP's"
MP - Elected to Parliament. Gets a huge wad of cash and the ability to attack opponents in Parliament without fear of libel. Fantastic perks to enable ownership of multiple homes and marvellous schemes to assist with costs for moat cleaning.
Mortgage - In political terms, this is what the taxpayers pay for MP's with second homes.
Opposition - Bunch of people paid huge sums of money to do nothing useful
Parliament - Exclusive Members club which MP's belong to. Has cheap dining room, great bars and a great view.
Principles - A shop found on the High St which female MP's occasionally frequent when buying clothes.
Question Time - Weekly event in Parliament where Government MP's can further their career by brown nosing and the opposition try and make the Prime Minister look like a berk.
Speaker of the House - Bloke who decides who's turn it is to talk b*ll*cks
Taxpayer - sheep to be mugged for cash
Television - Where most MP's want to work, despite their usual complete lack of suitability
Vote - A meaningless piece of paper that people put into a box so their views can be understood and ignored.
Whip - The person who makes sure the useless idiots know they will be out of pocket if they don't do what they are told
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As this is the Barnet Eye, here are a few facts about Barnet.
Barnet is made up of three Constituencies - Hendon, Finchley and Golder Green
The MP for Hendon is Matthew Offord MP. Prior to his election, he was Deputy Leader of Barnet Council. His most notable achievement was letting the Aerodrome Road Bridge Replacement project overspend by £11 million (on an original budget of £12 million). Since entering Parliament, he has made a name for himself by claiming that the person responsible for getting him elected in Hendon is a raving Anti Semite and that once he was elected, he didn't talk to him anymore. Matthew Offord rather strangely told voters that he would like to see a cheese shop open in Mill Hill Broadway whilst canvassing. Sadly, he's done nothing to actually deliver on this promise since being elected. It's probably the one thing he promised which might be useful.
The MP for Finchley and Golder Green is Mike Freer MP. Prior to his election, he was the Leader of Barnet Council. In the year before his election, he was voted "Private Eye Banker of the Year" for losing £27.4 million of Taxpayers money in Iceland. Mike Freer told RSPCA staff working at a rescue centre that he was "fond of dogs and would look after canine interests if elected" whilst campaigning. He has made a name for himself by investing in a camper van and has toured the Constituency inviting residents to "join him for a chat". It is not known how many have taken him up on the offer.
The MP for Chipping Barnet is Theresa Villiers. Contrary to malicious rumours, being spread around the Borough, she was never at any time a "Backing singer for blogger Rog T's Punk Rock Band "The False Dots". Rog T would like to say that such a slur on the band is despicable and intolerable. Further more, we'd also like to say that we can categorically state that Theresa Villiers did not join the False Dots for the "Stand Stoned Starkers" protest on Hampstead Heath in 1981, where the band were billed to play and the event was broken up by Riot Police. To the best of Rog T's knowledge, there is no known association between the band and Theresa Villiers whatsoever. We suspect that these rumours were started by former guitarist Peter Trayling, after several bottles of strong cider, in the company of his friend, Church of England Vicar "Holy John" purely to wind up Rog T. Sadly, there is absolutely nothing of interest to write about Theresa Villiers, her political career or any other aspect of her career.
Barnet Council is lead by Leader of the Conservative Group, Lynne Hillan. Councillor Hillan has confounded critics of her leadership, by proving even more of a disaster than anticipated. The latest disaster involves a councillor "allegedly" racially abusing a resident at a council meeting. Other PR disasters include awarding herself huge allowance rises, resulting in open revolt, huge hikes in parking charges and appointing Robert Rams to oversee the Libraries closure program, In a fierce put down of critics, she announced that "No one can teach me anything about incompetence" at a recent council meeting. For once, we were inclined to agree.
Please feel free to add your own comments with terms to the guide, for edition 2
Allowance - Cash (usually a large amount) given for non job for party lackeys to stop them moaning. Used to enforce party discipline. Often given in smaller amounts, just for turning up.
Cabinet - Bunch of people who have displayed an extraordinary talent for shafting their colleagues
Conservative Party - Bunch of posh people, pretending to be middle class and a bunch of middle class people who want to mix with posh people.
Consulatation - A money wasting exercise, conducted to find out why politicians should ignore the wishes of the people
Consultants - People paid huge sums of taxpayers money to write reports which no one reads, generally because they are completely unreadable. Successful consultants write reports, which recommend further reports written by yet more consultants.
Constituent - Person to be lied to every four years and ignored for the rest of the time.
Council - means of supplying otherwise unemployable idiots (councillors) with money in return for votes for bonkers schemes.
Councillors - 3 types, unemployable idiots in it for the cash, unemployable idiots in it for the status and very occasionally quite nice people who actually want to make things better in their locality. Generally the third group are the ones excluded from all decision making, usually spotted in Council chamber looking embarressed or cross.
Council Leader - The person who the majority of unemployable idiots think best suited for the job.
Democracy - A system of voting designed to ensure that the will of the people is ignored.
Election - An opportunity to decide which useless idiot is elected to the council and which purveyor of porkies is picked for parliament.
Election Pledge - Porkie specifically constructed to con the voter.
Expense claim - Amount of cash given to councillors and MP's in return for (often made up) out of pocket spending
First Past the Post System - Method for ensuring that the majority of voters in most constituencies are not represented.
General Election - Opportunity to replace one useless Prime Minister with another one that is usally even worse.
Government - The lot who are deemed winners in a general election
Hustings - Opportunity for politicians to lie directly to the voter in person.
Inquiry - Method of avoiding taking action when there has been a cock up for long enough so people forget why they were cross.
Jail - Where really stupid politicians end up, when they are either so incompetent or so greedy that they want allowances they are not entitled to and can't lie effectively enough to hide their tracks
Labour Party - Bunch of middle class people, pretending to be working class and a bunch of working class people trying not to be completely shafted by the middle class people pretending to be working class
Lib Dem Party - A bunch of people who want to get into bed with whoever has the biggest **** (in a political sense of course) and another bunch of people who are highly embarrassed at such behaviour
Manifesto - Long list of porkies, designed to con the general public.
Majority - Meaningless term. At present we have a Government no one voted for (Con / Lib Dem was not an option on ballot paper) and they have the "majority of MP's"
MP - Elected to Parliament. Gets a huge wad of cash and the ability to attack opponents in Parliament without fear of libel. Fantastic perks to enable ownership of multiple homes and marvellous schemes to assist with costs for moat cleaning.
Mortgage - In political terms, this is what the taxpayers pay for MP's with second homes.
Opposition - Bunch of people paid huge sums of money to do nothing useful
Parliament - Exclusive Members club which MP's belong to. Has cheap dining room, great bars and a great view.
Principles - A shop found on the High St which female MP's occasionally frequent when buying clothes.
Question Time - Weekly event in Parliament where Government MP's can further their career by brown nosing and the opposition try and make the Prime Minister look like a berk.
Speaker of the House - Bloke who decides who's turn it is to talk b*ll*cks
Taxpayer - sheep to be mugged for cash
Television - Where most MP's want to work, despite their usual complete lack of suitability
Vote - A meaningless piece of paper that people put into a box so their views can be understood and ignored.
Whip - The person who makes sure the useless idiots know they will be out of pocket if they don't do what they are told
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As this is the Barnet Eye, here are a few facts about Barnet.
Barnet is made up of three Constituencies - Hendon, Finchley and Golder Green
The MP for Hendon is Matthew Offord MP. Prior to his election, he was Deputy Leader of Barnet Council. His most notable achievement was letting the Aerodrome Road Bridge Replacement project overspend by £11 million (on an original budget of £12 million). Since entering Parliament, he has made a name for himself by claiming that the person responsible for getting him elected in Hendon is a raving Anti Semite and that once he was elected, he didn't talk to him anymore. Matthew Offord rather strangely told voters that he would like to see a cheese shop open in Mill Hill Broadway whilst canvassing. Sadly, he's done nothing to actually deliver on this promise since being elected. It's probably the one thing he promised which might be useful.
The MP for Finchley and Golder Green is Mike Freer MP. Prior to his election, he was the Leader of Barnet Council. In the year before his election, he was voted "Private Eye Banker of the Year" for losing £27.4 million of Taxpayers money in Iceland. Mike Freer told RSPCA staff working at a rescue centre that he was "fond of dogs and would look after canine interests if elected" whilst campaigning. He has made a name for himself by investing in a camper van and has toured the Constituency inviting residents to "join him for a chat". It is not known how many have taken him up on the offer.
The MP for Chipping Barnet is Theresa Villiers. Contrary to malicious rumours, being spread around the Borough, she was never at any time a "Backing singer for blogger Rog T's Punk Rock Band "The False Dots". Rog T would like to say that such a slur on the band is despicable and intolerable. Further more, we'd also like to say that we can categorically state that Theresa Villiers did not join the False Dots for the "Stand Stoned Starkers" protest on Hampstead Heath in 1981, where the band were billed to play and the event was broken up by Riot Police. To the best of Rog T's knowledge, there is no known association between the band and Theresa Villiers whatsoever. We suspect that these rumours were started by former guitarist Peter Trayling, after several bottles of strong cider, in the company of his friend, Church of England Vicar "Holy John" purely to wind up Rog T. Sadly, there is absolutely nothing of interest to write about Theresa Villiers, her political career or any other aspect of her career.
Barnet Council is lead by Leader of the Conservative Group, Lynne Hillan. Councillor Hillan has confounded critics of her leadership, by proving even more of a disaster than anticipated. The latest disaster involves a councillor "allegedly" racially abusing a resident at a council meeting. Other PR disasters include awarding herself huge allowance rises, resulting in open revolt, huge hikes in parking charges and appointing Robert Rams to oversee the Libraries closure program, In a fierce put down of critics, she announced that "No one can teach me anything about incompetence" at a recent council meeting. For once, we were inclined to agree.
Please feel free to add your own comments with terms to the guide, for edition 2
Canvas 1. Knock on doors hoping vainly to find people who agree with you about politics
ReplyDelete2. What you make tents out of
Public awareness:
ReplyDeleteWhen campaigning, brown nose your way around your local Jewish community pretending you know all about it,but you really know Jack s**t,and tell them the man who was responsable for getting me into parliament is a raving anti-semite.
Then go back the next day, and say to them "sorry for making myself look like a complete and utter tit,any chance of a vote in the next election?".....
er ... yes ...
ReplyDeletethanks for that, Rog.Brilliant.
Now you could you explain the offside rule to me?