My predictions for 2021 and the Friday Joke

 Firstly,  Happy New Year, let me give you a prediction for New Years day 2022. I will either be laughing or crying hysterically. This is why. 

I have a special treat lined up for New Year’s Day 2022. I have stashed this, unread in my sock drawer. I will read it in 365 days time once we’ve seen how it’s all working out pic.twitter.com/sJIGzHB3Yw

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) January 1, 2021

Secondly, as it's Friday, here's the Friday Joke. Clare and I last night seeing in the New Year!

As it's Friday, here's a Friday Joke

 

Many of you have, over the years, been mightily impressed by my powers of prediction. This year, I've decided to look forward to the coming year and see what it has in store for us.

January

We will shortly see the beginning of the roll out of the Astra Zeneca vaccine. Many of us are pinning our hopes of a return to normality on this. I predict that the ramp up of the vaccination program will initially be a fiasco with questions in the house. Given the governments inability to organise anything, I don't really think you need to be Mystic Meg to predict this.

We will also see the inauguration of President Joe Biden. I predict that Donald Trump will not go gracefully and we will not have heard the last of him when he walks out of the White House. Trump grants whisltleblower Edward Snowden and Julian Asange a Presidential pardon on his last day of office.

I predict that Republicans in the Senate and the House of Representatives will initially rally around Joe Biden, to show that they do care about the National interest, in a bid to beat Coronavirus and stop the economy tanking completely. I suspect Biden will have a very good first hundred days, with Donald Trump claiming it is all really down to him.

I also predict that by the end of January, we start to see far less complimentary headlines for Boris in the Daily Express and Mail, as the true nature of what he's negotiated becomes clear. I suspect that we will see Farage claiming that the chaos is all because Boris betrayed Brexit and stitched us all up and that the chaos is down to not having a hard Brexit. I suspect that facts will not support this.

February

By the end of February, we should see the fruits of the vaccination program starting to take hold, with a gradual easing back of restrictions. A return of crowds to football and us all to pubs and restaurants, albeit in limited numbers will be more than welcome. The national mood will start to improve. The papers will start to fill with stories of how Brexit is ruining businesses, problems for ex pats and stunted financial growth. I predict that President Macron will take great delight in whatever pain the UK suffers. I predict that Irish reunification will start to be seriously discussed as the DUP wake up to the fact that Great Britain has sold them down the river. As the Covid crisis improves, the SNP will step up pressure for a referendum to leave the UK. Within the Tory party, serious mutterings about the suitability of Boris as PM will start to emerge. When all the heavy lifting has been done with Covid and Brexit, the ambitious chancers will see the opportunity to steal the crown. 
March

As the vaccination program rolls on, things open up ever more. Live music starts to return, larger crowds start to appear at football matches. The chancellors mind turns to how we are to pay the overdraft we've run up. For a nation that has had the worst year in living memory, this is not welcome news. 

The governments postpones phase 2 of HS2 and calls for a major costs review. As the economy opens up, it is clear that the days of the High street as we know it are numbered. The people who have switched to online are not switching back. Our city centres are hollowed out as firms have realised that there is no point spending huge rents on offices when people can do the job at home. Rishi Sunak responds by bringing in new taxes on home working, in a desperate attempt to shore up the nations finances.

As the true cost starts to become apparent and the austerity ++++ measures become clear, any credibility that Rishi Sunak may have retained ebbs away. The questions as to how the Uk could have had the worst death rate and the worst economic damage in Europe start to hammer away at the government. With every day it becomes clearer that the Government needs a serious reboot. With the EU it is clear that the hastily signed and unscrutinised agreement needs a major overhaul as it is causing problems for both the EU and the UK. 

It seems that far from ending the arguments, Brexit has just split the UK and caused deep structural problems. Nigel Farage claims this is down to the lack of a proper Brexit, Kier Starmer claims it is down to a bad agreement and Ed Davey says that it is because Brexit was a bonkers idea in the first place.

April

The end of the pandemic is in sight. All of the vulnerable people in the UK have been innoculated. All of the key workers and schools, offices and public transport are declared safe to use. However the number of people commuting has declined. The London Mayoral Election looms amid total apathy. No one has any enthusiasm for Sadiq Khan and they have even less for Shaun Bailey. A Barnet Council by election in Edgware, formerly a safe Tory seat becomes interesting, as the decline of Edgware becomes a key factor. The rampant unpopularity of the Tory government looks set to deliver a massive upset.

May

To no ones great surprise, Sadiq Khan delivers a victory with a far smaller turnout than ever. The Tory candidate Shaun Bailey gets a comprehensive kicking coming fourth, as Londoners blame him for Brexit and the failures of the pandemic. The Tories come fourth in the Edgware by election behind the Lib Dems, Greens and Labour as a huge protest vote. It appears that Boris is living on borrowed time.

June

The UK and USA officially declare the pandemic beaten. Boris announces a 'Festival of Brexit' to celebrate, to widespread derision. Keir Starmer says the money should be spent rebuilding the NHS and Nigel Farage says that Brexit has been betrayed so there is nothing to celebrate. Ed Davey announces that Lib Dem policy will be for a referendum to rejoin as the economic figures show that Brexit has had a massive impact on UK GDP. Boris states that the impact is due to covid and Starmer claims it is down to Boris mismanaging everything.

July

Japan announces that the Olympics are being postponed, as a new vaccine resistant variant of Covid is identified and start to spread across the globe. Boris announces that Britain is well placed to develop a new vaccine to beat the virus because of Brexit. Everyones holiday plans are thrown into chaos as borders are closed and flights cancelled. Boris announces that the Festival of Brexit is being cancelled as a precaution.

 August

President Joe Biden announces that his 'Virus task force' has a new vaccine and we only need to wait three months before it can be deployed. The UK sees its first cases of the new strain of the virus, as Boris is criticised for not following the EU and closing borders. Boris reaches a record low popularity.

 September

Jeremy Hunt launches a leadership bid, stating that the Tories are finished if they don't appoint someone not tainted with the failures of the past year. Rishi Sunak throws his hat in to the ring, as Boris succumbs to the inevitable. As is the way with the Conservative party, the favourites are shafted and Elisabeth Truss takes over, largely on the basis that no one has a clue who she is, so they don't hate her yet.  Boris responds to his fall from grace by claiming French citizenship and moving to his Dad's chateau.

October

Elisabeth Truss flies to the USA to try and negotiate a trade deal. Joe Biden tells her that this can only be completed if the UK cedes Northern Ireland to the Republic. Truss agrees and Irish Nationalists everywhere celebrate. Truss claims that her action is only a practical recognition of what Boris had put into effect with the Brexit treaty.  The DUP announce that they will be seeking full independence for the North.

November

The UK enters lockdown as new cases of the mutant virus run rampant. Liz Truss announces that Xmas is cancelled as we will not have a vaccine until January. Keir Starmer announces that it is 'Groundhog Year' due to Tory mismanagement. Ed Davey bemoans the fact that the EU has slammed 500% export duties on the new vaccine to the UK, ensuring that we have no supplies, except for the mega rich who can afford it from private clinics. Liz Truss announces that this "levelling up in action".

December

Donald Trump launches his new TV channel, based in Moscow, where he has fled to avoid the FBI. On its first day, it reveals that the USA has been in constant contact with Aliens since 1947 and that Joe Biden is in fact an Alien. Trump reveals that the Chinese have also been in contact with the Aliens and it was the Aliens who distributed the virus to ensure he was not re-elected. 

In the UK, the Queen's speech is a rather different affair. Her majesty makes an unexpected live broadcast. She apologises to the nation for the total ineptitude of her government and announcing that she is abdicating as she's had enough of them all. Furthermore, she is taking up German citizenship, as she's of German ancestry and they seem to know what they are doing. Her parting shot is "I am leaving you lot in the hands of Charles and Camilla, God knows you deserve each other.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

P.S. I hope I am wrong about all of this. Here's a playlist to cheer you up