Rog T's cancer blog - Where did the old me go and will he come back?

 

So it is now six weeks since I had a radical prostate biopsy. By all of the available measures, I am doing well. No residual pain, mostly no tiredness, 99.9% continent (can't drink too much beer and do long journeys with no loo confidently). Some signs of returning sexual function since I started taking the pills (tadalafil 5 mg a day). I had a PSA test on Monday, so fingers crossed. I believe it should now be undetectable, but a part of me is fully expecting it to be the same as it was before. There is no rational reason for this, but in this journey, every time I thought things were good, I've been kicked in the teeth, so I try and prepare for the worst whilst hoping for the best. It is a difficult journey. So to sum up, physically, it is all pretty good. I did a gig with my band on Thursday and no ill effects from the excitement (I sing and play guitar in a Ska/Punk band), apart from a bit of tiredness.

But your physical wellbeing is only ever half the picture. I feel very different in myself. I do not really like how Ifeel about myself at the moment. I am normally quite a positive and confident person, but I don't really feel like that at the moment. I almost feel like I am a different person. I feel far more cautious and less inclined to take risks. I haven't really felt like drinking alcohol at all. I am due to see a group of friends tonight for a couple of beers and a curry. Normally I'd have been looking forward to this all week, but all I am thinking of is whether I can get home safely without needing to use the toilet in a hurry. I've decided to wear a pad for the first time in two weeks as a precaution. There are a couple of gigs on, that normally I'd really fancy, but I can't really rustle up the enthusiasm to book tickets. I had the chance to drive to Manchester last night to see City play in the Champions league, but again I couldn't be bothered. Whilst we were playing the gig last friday, I found I felt pretty normal. As soon as I got off stage, I was completely wiped out. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to talk to people, I simply couldn't find anything to say. Normally I'd stay chatting to the early hours, but after a pint, I just wanted to head off home.

All of this is very unlike me. Is this just a part of the healing phase, your body saying "slow down, we need to get better" or is it just a new phase of life, part of getting older, which my body was shocked into accepting (I'm 61)?  I'm hoping that one day, soon, I'll wake up and feel like the old me, the me I am used to. The me that is spontaneous and looks for things to do, not reasons not to do them. 

I guess what I am saying is that right now, the glass is definitely half full, but all I am seeing is the empty half.

++++ A small footnote. I went out, met my friends, had a few beers and a rather excellent curry and had a lovely night. No accidents on the way home. I have realised that most of the problems are in my mind. It is fear of accidents etc that is bugging me rather than accidents themselves. I am lucky

--- About this feature 

For those of you who are regular readers and have read the previous posts on Cancer, there's what this is all about. I write this blog because knowledge is power and if you know what you are dealing with, you have more weapons in the locker to fight it. It is a personal view, I'm not medically qualified. This is for the sole purpose of information for those who are interested.This is the latest installment in my occasional series about how I'm adjusting to living with a big C in my life. 

 For those of you who aren't, here's a quick summary. I'm 61 years old and in October 2011 I had a prostate biopsy following two "slightly high" PSA tests - 2.8 & 4.1. The biopsy took ten tissue samples and one of these showed a "low grade cancer" which gave me a 3+3 on the Gleason scale. I was put on a program of active monitoring. In early February, I got the results of the a PSA test - down to 3.5 and an MRI scan which found absolutely nothing, two more tests in 2012 were at 3.5 and 3.9, in 2013 my test was 4.0, Jan 2014 was 3.8, August 2014 was 4.0, February 2015 it was up to 5.5 and my latest in August 2015 was down again at 4.6. In October 2015 I had a transperinial Prostate biopsy, that revealed higher grade cancer and my Gleason score was raised to 3+4 (Small mass + more aggressive cancer). On 22nd Jan 2016 I had HIFU (Hi Intensity Focused Ultrasound) treatment at UCHL). 

My post procedure PSA in May was 4.0 which was down, followed by 3.7 in August, and 3.5 in October which means that the direction is positive . However in January the follow up MRI revealed "something unusual which requires investigation" After a follow up biopsy, it appeared this was nothing to worry about. My two most recent PSA tests were Ok (3.7 and 4.6) and an MRI scan in March was very positive. A PSA in October 2019 was 4.6, so stable and good news, the last in May 2020 was 5.45 a small rise, so worrying, however after a review against the most recent MRI, it was decided that this was fine. My two latest ones in February 2022 was 6.7 and October 2022 was 6.6 was stable. 

In March 2023 had an MRI scan that showed 'significant change'. This lead to a biopsy that indicated a tumour of 4mm that had a gleason score of 4+4. A PSA test in June saw a rise to 12. On 9th August, I had a radical prostatectomy and am currently recovering. Early days, but hopefully the surgery has curedt he problem of cancer. My continence is good, the next batttle is erectile function.

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