The Saturday List #428 - My 10 life changing sliding doors moments

 In life we have what are known as 'sliding door' moments. Where a single moment defines the path of the rest of your life. For the last two days, I was attending a retreat for men who are recovering from treatment for cancer. One of the sessions was a one hour, one to one consultation with a councellor discussing my state of mind. It is good to talk to a stranger and as I shared my story with her, I realised that my life is littered with such sliding door moments. 

Does anyone have a 'life plan' when they go to school and execute it without hitch? I had no plan at all, apart from a notion that I wanted to be in a band. I wasn't even too bothered if the band was successful. Just about every major decision I made, until I got married, was based around sustaining my band and my studio. As these are things that gobble up cash, it also forced me to be quite successful in other business areas. As I had no plan, I guess my life was far more susceptible to sliding door moments than people who know what they want to do and have a plan to execute it. 

As is my want, when I got back home after the retreat, I pondered on the lessons I had drawn from the retreat. There were many interesting things to take away. It was also great to meet other people who shared the cancer journey and to listen to their stories. One of the things that interested me, was hearing how they learned they were facing lifedefining changes as a result of the disease.  I also pondered the random nature of my own discovery, then thought of other such sliding doors moments, and realised it had the making of a rather good (in my mind at least), Saturday list blog. 

The take away for me is to embrace life, but also to consider how taking chances, grasping opportunities and not being scared of the the unknown will deliver you an interesting life. We only get one shot at life, so for me, that is perhaps the most important thing of all.

Anyway, here are my top ten sliding door moments and what they have given me. 

1. Being persuaded to have a "mens health check" in 2011, when, aged 49, I visited the doctor with a damaged knee. I will forever be grateful to Dr Cuttle at the Millway Medical practice for suggesting this. He simply said "As you are coming up to fifty, it would be a good idea to give you an MOT". I was playing football, going to the gym and had no health problems beyond the knee issue, which I had badly damaged playing football and I wanted a referral for. His logic was impeccable "If there is nothing wrong with you, then it is half an hour of your time, if we pick something up early, it could change or save your life". I just reread the blog I wrote after I had my first prostate biopsy and before I got the dreaded result. I didn't realise that it would be the start of a thirteen year series that became Rog T's cancer blog. At the time I wrote it, my assumption was the results would be negative for cancer. I didn't realise I'd have two pretty major medical interventions and that my life would change. What I know now, is that if I hadn't had the test then, it would have been undetected. I would have probably started to have symptoms in 2017-18 and I may be dead now, if it had become to aggressive and I ignored it. Whatever, the medical interventions would have been worse if it had progressed undetected until I developed symptoms. The disease also has changed my outlook on life. I have taken better care of myself ever since. I have become a bit of a missionary for the cause of Prostate Cancer sufferers. I took the decision to be public with my battle for the reasons outlined in that first blog. It all came down to me being randomly assigned Dr Cuttle. Another Doctor may not have bothered suggesting the check. Not long after, the NHS stopped doing the PSA test as a routine part of such checks. Now you only get it if there was a family history. We have, but I didn't actually know it then, as no one talked about it. It also inspied me to write a couple of songs about the issue. 

This one is to encourage blokes to get a test

The False Dots · Dont be scared of a finger up your bum

And this one is about the darkest moments on my journey.

The False Dots · Buy me a bottle of Jack

2. Going to Dingwalls in Camden in the Summer of 1981. I can't recall the band I went to see, I went with a group of mates, Paul (bassplayer in my band) and Brian and Steve from our five a side football team Goatybeard United. I had just finished my A levels at Orange Hill School. I had no idea what to do with my life. No proper job lined up and in a bit of a quandry. I'd done rather badly in my A levels. I was enthusiastic about my band and was earning a bit of pocket money from the then unnamed studios, letting it out to mates bands. As we were having a drink, a couple of girls walked past. One was, to my mind back then, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I immediately offered to buy her a drink, We sat down and started chatting, her and her mate and our little gang. She announced that she was from Stockholm. I immediately said "That's a coincidence, I'm going to Stockholm in the Autumn".  We ended up chatting all night, then our gang went back to the girls hotel and drank until the early hours. 

I ended up going to Stockholm, making a whole new bunch of friends and organising a tour for the band. That wasn't what changed my life. What did was firstly that I needed money. I took on a series of casual jobs etc and worked really hard to earn enough money to go. I realised I could get jobs if I was focussed. When I went out there, it was life changing. I realised that London is just one of many cities in the world and to the rest of the world, the UK is pretty unimportant. I also realised that the Swedes had got many things right that we haven't. Most of all though, as I was conserving money, I rarely drank or did anything else that is bad for you. The girl I met, came over to the UK the next year, but our relationship soon floundered. I will, however, be eternally grateful for her generosity putting me up. The experience shaped me.

3. Turning up to my bands first gig and our singer not showing up. I've mentioned this many times, but it was a harsh lesson. The band could have not appeared, thrown in the towel and done something else. We decided to do it anyway. We came off the stage believing that we could come through anything after that. Too often we get kicked in the teeth by friends and acquaintences and are tempted to give up on our path. I learned then that you can only really rely on yourself. If you get a knock, you take it and come back stronger. It made me 100% more determined to push on with the band. If our singer had turned up, I have no idea how the band would have turned out, but I would not have known that I could do it and I didn't need my main musical partner to do it. I do know that if I'd downed tools and walked away, I'd not have my studio and would probably never have done anything musically and just seen it now as a childhood fantasy.

4. Having my online blog cancelled by The Barnet Times. Much to my surprise, in 2008, I was asked to write an online blog for the Barnet Times. What surprised me even more, was that it soon gained traction and became the most read thing on the website. As I was extremely critical of many of the policies of Barnet Council, the then leader gave the paper an ultimatum "Sack Tichborne or we pull your council advertising". As this was what kept the paper afloat, they really had no choice. I was devastated. David Miller, a former Conservative chairman of the Chipping Barnet Tories contacted me. He was disgusted by the behaviour of his own party. He urged me to start this blog, The Barnet Eye. I thought it would be a waste of time, lacking the presence and prestige of the Barnet Times. To cut a long story short, I've had nearly four million blog hits since then. The blog has been hugely infliuential and inspired a raft of other bloggers. What was ironic was one of the Tories who instigated the threat to the Times, posted a picture on Twitter of them celebrating "The end of Roger Tichbornes blogging career". In truth it was a massive own goal. I'd probably have soon tired of writing about the failings of the council. I was working under strict guidelines, I couldn't name and shame etc. On my own blog I had no constraints. I could say what I like. For me, it was a liberation. I have become a published author, contributed articles for papers such as the Guardian and online media such as The Londonist on the back of this blog. As a dyslexic, I never thought anyone would be interested in my writing. But it all really dates back to that decision by our beloved former Council leader.

5. Going to Golders Green job centre seeking temporary work in May 1983. I was absolutely skint, I had a new girlfriend and we wanted to get a flat together. I needed some work, I'd been in the habit of using the temporary work counter at the Golders Green job centre. They found good jobs, that were short duration. However, I'd blotted my copy book on my last assignment and upset the lady who ran the temporary job counter. She informed me that I was "too unreliable" to be given work. This was grossly unfair, but there was little I could do. She then said "If you want a job, go and see the training section". I ambled over. There was an absolutely lovely girl on the counter. She suggested that I do a "TOPS course". As I was a bit smitten, I agreed and ended up at Compucentre on a trainee computer operations course. I was paid £40 a week for ten weeks, then I was given three job interviews. 

I completed the course. The first two interviews were a disaster. The third, to my amazement, went like a dream. It was with a brilliant company and I made a bunch of lifelong friends. Until that point I had no "plan B" for the hard times that befall musicians. It also provided me with a stream of money that I could channel into my studios. 

6. Learning that my brother in law had a devastating road accident. He had been knocked off a moped in Greece and and left for dead by a drunk driver. He was admitted to hospital with multiple fractures and brain damage. I was raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, but had long since given up on Church. As we do, in times of crisis, I turned to faith. I made deal with God that if Tim recovered, I'd go to Church every week that I could. This was a big deal for me. As Tim had been admitted with zero blood pressure and was as messed up as you can be, we all expected him to die. He made a miraculous recovery. Apart from the fact that he's missing an ear, you'd hardly know. I know that to many of you, this sounds like superstitious nonsense, but I felt if I renaged on the deal and he dropped dead, it would be my fault. So I started to attend. At first, I felt I didn't belong and God was punishing me in a strange and bizarre manner. But every time I considered not going, I felt this voice saying "Tim has recovered". So I persisted. In 2000, the Parish Priest, Fr Perry Gildea mentioned a charity called HCPT that he worked with to take people needing assistance to the shrine of Lourdes in France. He explained the group needed strong, active helpers, who could push wheelchairs, assist adults with limited mobility with hygene functions, who could drive and play music. I had  visited Lourdes with my Dad in the 60's and and had fond memories. I felt this would scratch an itch I had. I went. After two days, I thought I'd been insane to go and felt I didn't fit in at all. By the end of the week, I realised it was one of the best weeks of my life. My room mate, Michael Sullivan, was an old former builder, who had multiple strokes. He was a diamond. A really good laugh. I realised that without helpers, he'd simply not have been able to go. Even more important, for me, my mother had a stroke the year before. She had gone from being an independent and proud person, enjoying life going on four holidays a year, to an old, housebound woman who was unhappy and bitter. I had wished she'd passed away, as a I saw no value in her life. Being with the people with severe challenges in the group, mede me realise I was wrong. They had far more serious challenges. I came to terms with my Mum's new phase of life and determined to take her with me on the next trip. She accompanied me four times, before passing in 2008. If Tim hadn't had his accident, I'd have done none of this and missed out on some magical moments with my mum.

7. Our Drummer Graham's son committing suicide in 2021. This was a tragedy, the country was in lockdown. Graham had covid and wasn't even allowed out to deal with matters until the infection passed. As a friend, what can you do? We couldn't even meet socially? But we are a band that works semi professionally. I decided to arrange a rehearsal. Not because I wanted to play music, but to get Graham out and so we could support him. Our then singer, Allen Ashley, was unable to attend. His wife was shielding and he did not want to take any risks at all. So I gathered a hotch potch of songs, which I felt I could manage. In truth, we didn't do too much rehearsing. We drank tea, chatted and played through a few numbers rather badly. It was clear that it was hugely beneficial for Graham. I decided that if we had a purpose, then it would be a good thing. I had a song, called Longshot Didn't die, a Ska number, that I wanted Lee Thompson of Madness to have a go at (Lee is a mate of mine). So we did a few rehearsals, then did a rough recording. I've not sung serioulsly with the band ever. When I played it to my kids, to my amazement, they said "Dad, why are you giving it to Lee, sing it yourself, it sounds good". This took me back. I realised that the reason I'd never really enjoyed singing was because I'd chosen songs that didn't suit my voice and I'd written songs for other people. I started to write songs for myself. I also changed my style. This was not a conscious decision. I felt that I needed to try and cheer Graham up, so I started to write songs that were funny and had references to things that made him laugh, or triggered memories from our youth. To my absolute amazement, when I played these to other people, they loved them. At 60 years of age, I discovered, by accident, that I am a pretty good front man and singer. The band has been going through a real renaissance and have been given a residency at The Dublin Castle, Londons best music pub. We are playing there on Sat 3rd February to celebrate 45 years of the band. 

8. Being asked by my nephew to watch Hadley FC play in 2019. He'd been writing a blog about Non League football and visited Hadley FC. He mentioned he'd seen an old school mate of mine, who I'd not seen for about ten years, Steve Pankhurst (the founder of Friends Reunited) at the game. Steve was involved with running the club. He suggested that I go to a game with him. I did and I loved it. I've always been a Manchester City fan, but having a local Non League team was something which appealed. I used to go to Barnet FC before they moved. I find the new stadium soulless and stopped. Hadley were in the 9th tier of the league. The attendences were about 100. I loved it. I could get a 384 bus from the top of my road. I am now a season ticket holder and a shareholder. I met Tom, the trumpet player in my band there. Hadley are now a big part of my life.

9. Being called by my sister in Spain, over Easter 2004, to be told that our cat had died. We were on holiday and having a lovely time. We'd left our cat, a 14 year old British Blue called Norman, in the care of our neighbour. My kids 9, 7 and 3  were in a cafe when we got the call, when my sister rang to say that Norman had keeled over and died when the neighbour went to feed him. I was shocked, the kids burst into tears. It seemed that the holiday had been ruined. How could I possibly save the day? I said "Well now Norman has gone to heaven, we can get a puppy!". Instantly, the tears stopped and the kids became excited. The rest of the holiday was spent discussing what sort of dog we'd get and what we'd call it.

As everyone had different ideas, I announced that we'd get a Boxer. This choice pleased no one, but it meant none of them felt they'd been favoured. Clare was not overly keen, wanting a nice labrador, but she eventually agreed. After making arrangements, we drove to Southend and bought Tilly. As soon as she arrived, any misgivings went. She was a dog with a big personality and was a bundle of fun. Since then, we became dog people. We got Bruno the Labrador cross in 2012 and when Tilly passed away, we got Kira, the white German Shepherd in 2018, after Tilly passed away. Both are rescue dogs, Having dogs during lockdown was a real godsend. I very much doubt whether we'd have got a dog if Norman had died on a normal school day at home. 

10. I saved best until last. In December 1985, the False Dots were playing an Xmas gig at The Three Hammers. The week before we decided to end our rehearsal early and go on a scouting mission, to see if we could rustle up some interest. We bought beers and the first group of potential customers we met were a bunch of very pretty girls, all meeting up for Xmas, having returned from University for the holiday. We made them promise to come. They did. We then invited them to a rave we were attending afterwards. One of them was Clare, now my wife. We hit it off straight away. I can't say there haven't been bumps, but it has been great. If  we'd decided to have a proper rehearsal, I'd never have met her. 

Do you have any great sliding door moments. What struck me as I made this choice was that all of these moments involved taking the less easy path. The easy path would be to keep myself to myself, to stay in, to take no risks. I am glad I chose the other path. Life is full of choices, I have few regrets, but in truth, we don't know what would have happened if we chose the other path.