The Saturday List #452 - The seven strangest reasons for breaking up!

I was chatting to a customer in the shop earlier in the week. He seemed a bit down, I asked him how things were going. He told me that they were going badly. He explained that his wife had left him. I offered my commiserations. They had been together for decades. When he told me why, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Apparently she'd cooked him Shepherds pie as a treat. He'd put salt and ketchup on it. She had been so affronted that he'd defiled the dish that she proceeded to list all of his failings over 30 years. Not wishing to be outdone, he'd retaliated in kind. She was so upset that she threw him out of the house, got the locks changed and started divorce proceedings.  Apparently this was the first proper row they'd had in their marriage and there was a huge well of resentment on both sides, that a few grains of salt had tipped over the edge. I thought "a bit of salt on a Shepherds pie, strangest reason for splitting up I've ever heard". Then I thought about it. Actually it wasn't. Here are a few of the other reasons I've heard over the years. 

1. The fish slice. I used to work with an Evangelical chap. He was nice enough but a tad strange. To my enormous surprise, he started dating an absolutely beautiful woman. She was funny, bubbly and good fun. The opposite of him. He was smitten. They got engaged and were planning marriage. Then they split up. When he told me the reason, I was gobsmacked. Apparently his mother had come to dinner. His Fiance had made the fatal mistake of serving her a slice of cheese cake with a fish slice. He had realised that she was 'the wrong sort of person for him'.

2. The Buffer of one. I worked with a guy in IT, who was, shall we say, slightly obsessive. He told me that he'd just split up with his partner because she couldn't conform to his system for keeping a spare loo roll in the toilet. He said "if you keep a buffer of one loo rolls, then you will never be caught out". Apparently his girlfriend didn't bring up a new loo roll when the last one was exhasausted and so there wasn't a spare on top of the medicine cabinet. It was too much and she was duly booted out.

3. Furniture polish. An ex boss of mine, who was a wonderful chap, split up with his wife after many years of marriage. He told me that the last straw was that she knew he was allergic to furniture polish. They were having a row and she sprayed him with it, causing him to be covered in the most terrible rashes. 

4. "She was too clean". An ex guitarist in my band was a tad unhygenic. To my surprise, he started going out with  a lovely girl, who may well have been the most fragrant woman I've ever met. For a while, he stopped smelling, had a nice haircut and his teeth became a lighter shade of yellow. Then they split up. The reason? He said she was too clean. He said that not only did she always shower before they made love, she'd have one after as well. This was simply too much for him. Within a week, his normal pong had returned. For me, it was proof that opposites don't always attract.

5. "More than I bargained for". A good mate of mine, sadly long deceased, had a whole string of wives, fiances and girlfriends before setting down. They were invariably real characters. One was a dominatrix. She was a good laugh and very smutty. They seemed really happy. One day, she wasn't around any more. It was clear that he didn't want to discuss it. About six months later, when he'd had a few, the truth came out. For his birthday, she told him that she'd got a special surprise. She trussed him up like an Xmas turkey and blindfolded him, telling him he was in for a big surprise. He wouldn't say what it was, but it was "more than I bargained for" and he said he was "scarred for life". I wasn't sure whether this was mentally or physically. The odd thing was about eighteen months later, they started going out again for a short while. Maybe he enjoyed whatever it was more than he let on! 

6. The murderer. Many years ago, I went out with a lovely girl who lived in Hendon. Her flat mate was a rather large lady, who was going out with acheeky chappie from the East End, who was half her size. This lady was, shall we say, someone who couldn't be satisfied by a single chap. She was rather predatory. As I knew hew boyfriend and he seemed like a nice chap, I was a bit surprised when one morning she brought me a cup of tea after my girlfriend had gone to work, and started trying to seduce me. I said "knock it off, what about your boyfriend?". She said "Oh don't worry about him, we split up". I asked why. She said "He's been arrested for murder!". I made my excuses and left. 

7. "The beast". One of the most hilarious (to me) break ups happened when I was still at school. A girl who I was really good mates with, confided in me that she'd split up with her boyfriend and was very upset. As I always tried to be a good mate, I asked what had happened as they seemed quite happy. She responded "I can't possibly go out with him, he's a beast!". At this I bristled. I have to be honest, I didn't like him at all and I rather liked her. I thought this was a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, I could sort this terrible beast out and win her heart! I asked what terrible thing he'd done. Imagine my surprise when she said "He took me to Arsenal. I've never been to a football match before and all he did was shout and swear, I saw a whole new side of him and I simply can't go out with such a beast". I made a mental note never to take a girl on a date to football, especially if she'd never been before.

There are a few other tales, but I can't possibly tell them as the people are still friends and would kill me! Sadly most of my break ups have been stunningly mundane!

-----

I love reminiscence and old stories. I use a lot of these in my music. If you've not heard the band, we are a bit of a mash up of Madness and Iand Dury. We are releasing an album in November, here is a sneal preview. This song is Sunday in the 70's and features footage of me as a six year old in a Heinz Baked Beans commercial!