The Saturday List #497 - Ten memories of my Mum that always bring a happy tear to my eye!

 I was lucky enough to have a pint of Guinness in the Bridge Tavern last night with the most lovely Su Pollard of Hi De Hi fame. Had my Mum still been alive, she would have most certainly have joined us, as she was a big fan of Su Pollard. Mum was a massive fan of Su. I told Su the story of when the Daily Mail printed a nasty story about her. By chance, my Mum found herself on the tube with the editor of the Mail. Mum was a feisty, spikey character and she took him to task, telling him she was disgusted that the Mail were hounding Su. The editor snootily replied "Madam, please respect my privacy". Mum responded "Why should I? You didn't respect Su Pollard or anyone else's privacy you horrible man". Mum came home and was most chuffed. When I told Su the story, she beamed and said "Yes, the Daily Mail are horrible and thank you Rogers mum!". It got me thinking about the times my Mum did things that completely took me aback. They brought a tear to my. I thought it warranted a list.

1. When I was at FCHS, it is fair to say that I did not get on with Ned (AKA Neil Kelly, the headmaster). He took a massive dislike to me, which was reciprocated. When I discoverd punk rock, this dislike was amplified by a hundred times. Although we had a strick uniform code, there was no rule about socks. I bought a pair of pink dayglo socks and wore them to school. Ned saw these and went mad. I pointed out that the school dress code had no rule on sock colour. Ned replied "It does now" and sent me home to change them. In truth I was quite pleased as this meant lunch at home and less time in school. At the parents evening, Ned took his revenge. He said to my mother "You do realise your son has homoseual tendencies?" which in the unenlightened 1970s was a big insult. My Mum was a tad bemused. She replied "What has he done?". Ned replied "He wears pink socks!" triumphantly. My Mum replied "Mr Kelly, so does Elvis Presley and surely you don't think he has homosexual tendencies?". Neds flabbers were ghasted. Mum didn't mention this for twenty years. Some time in 1997, I was having a Guinness with her and she told me the story. I was completely stunned, but she said "that was when I realised he was an idiot".

2. When I married Clare in 1995, we arranged the wedding and the reception ourselves. I was earning good money. We had the reception meal at the rather lovely Belvedere Restaurant in Holland Park. It was not cheap, but it was wonderful. God smiled on us and we had a beautiful day. When I came to pay the bill, the Matre D told me that my Mum had already paid the bill. It was a lovely gesture. When I thanked her, she said "I paid for all your brother and sisters weddings, so it was only fair". She then complemented me on getting such a good deal on the price. 

3. After my Dad died in 1987, my Mum was rather depressed for a couple of years. Eventually she snapped out of it and decided to go on a cruise. She had a brilliant time and from that time went on four or five cruises a year until her health failed. She joined a cruise club, which sold very last minute offers for super cheap cruises. The cruise lines almost gave unsold rooms away, but you only got a day or two notice. I can recall going to see Mum for a Guinness in 1995 and she said "Oh, by the way I'm off on holiday". I said "When and where are you going". She replied "I'm going tomorrow, for six weeks, on a cruise up the Amazon". I said "When did you book that?". She said "they rang me up today, it was really cheap, cheaper than staying here and cooking!". I loved the fact that she embraced life and took chances.

4. In 1978, when I was still at school, at the height of my punk rock enthusiasm, I went to see a band (I can't recall who) at the Marquee club. When I got there, it was sold out and no amount of profferring bribes and sweet talking bouncers worked. So I got the 113 home, after a quick beer in the Ship on Wardour Street. I got back to Mill Hill at around 10pm. When I got home, I was surprised. Usually Mum and Dad watched telly, smoked and drank Guinness. But the stereo was blaring out the sound of Englebert Humperdink, the lights were low and my parents were doing a smoochy dance. I was truly shocked. I went to the kitchen and made a cup of tea, then went to my room. I thought I'd leave them to it. It is one of my most abiding memories. They clearly loved each other and it was perhaps the one time when I really apprecaited that. 

5. My parents were strict Roman Catholics and had what might be called 'high moral standards'. When both my eldest brother and my sister decided that they were going to live with their partners, outside of wedlock, they got the massive hump with them and refused to speak to them for a lengthy period. In 1982, I was living at home and they went to Australia for the winter. Whilst they were away, I started going out with a girl. As my parents were not around, she moved in. Eventually, the day came when my parents returned. I was rather disappointed as this meant my girlfriend had to move out. We started making plans to get a place together. When my parents returned, my Mum confronted me. She said "You have had a girl living here haven't you". I am not a liar, and it would have been pointless anyway. I said "Yes Mum". She said "She must be very nice, it is spotless, I was expecting a terrible mess". My sister was furious and told my mum that it was most unfair that I had 'got away with it'. My Mum simply replied "He needs someone to keep him in order". The fact it annoyed my sister was even better.

6. When the band formed, we made a load of cassettes and gave them to venues where we wanted to play. I put my home phone number on. I hadn't really thought this through. I wasn't in much. After about a week, I got home and my Mum said "The Moonlight Club in West Hampstead called up. They want you to do a gig in March". I was horrified. My rock and roll credibility was shot. They'd phoned an my Mum had answered. What would they think? I said to Mum "What did you say to them?". She said "I told them I was your manager and I'd call them back tomorrow when I'd confirmed all of the band were available for the date". My mum was very good on the phone and I realised that in fact this was a good thing. We made a deal that for every gig she booked, I'd get her a crate of Guinness. She quite enjoyed it and always made sure we got a proper fee. She suggested that she officially become the bands manager and said she'd get us loads of gigs, but I, rather stupidly, politely declined. I was stupid, she would have been brilliant, but I was at the phase of being embarrassed about my parents.

7. As I mentioned above, Mum was pretty depressed after Dad died in 1987. For a couple of years, she did nothing. My parents had a successful commercial property business. The tenants had been on seven year leases. In 1990, they were up for renewal. I was having a Guinness with Mum and she said "I can't handle the hassle of renegotiating the leases, they are always horrible when you put their rents up. I am going to sell the business". I was horrified. One of those businesses was my studio. My eldest brother also had (and still does) a business on the site. The yard was run down, having had no investment for decades. Tenants were on very low rents. It would be a disaster for me. So I hatched a plan. I spoke to my sister, who is a qualified barrister and my brother, who has a business on the site. I presented my plan to them. We would set up a company and take over the management of the business. I would renegotiate the rents, my sister would handle the legal side of the business and my brother would do the day to day maintenance. I also drew up a list of improvements. These included resurfacing the roadway, improving the toilets, putting a security gate on and various other improvements. We would also increase the rents, to more commercial levels, which would reflect the improved environment. We all agreed that it was a good plan. We would take a management fee and Mum would not have to do anything, except draw an income. I presented the plan to Mum. She was delighted and immediately agreed. Within a year, we'd increased the income by five times. The tenants were actually delighted that we were reinvesting cash in the place. After a few years, Mum reogranised the whole business and handed it over to us all to manage. She said that she was delighted that we'd shown the acument to make a success of it. We are still successfully running the business. I am so grateful that she had the faith in us to let us have a go.

8. In late 2000, Mum had a massive stroke. This really ended her independence. For a time, I actually wished she'd passed away, as she couldn't speak, couldn't walk and we didn't really know if her mind was still there. It was shocking for me. She seemingy aged 30 years in twenty seconds. In August 2001, I went to Lourdes as a helper with the charity HCPT. I was very conflicted as to my feelings regarding Mum. I felt I'd lost her. Being surrounded by people with disabilites in our HCPT group gave me a better perspective. I realised that the problem was me, not my mum. I shouldn't expect her to be what I wanted, I should accept her as she was and make the most of it. When I got back, I went for a Guinness with her and told her all about it. She was still fairly uncommunicative at that point. In 2004, I decided to go with HCPT again. By this point Mum had recovered to the point where she could communicate, walk short distances and live semi independently. To my amazement, she asked if she could come along. I was thrilled at this. She ended up going four times with the group. The last time, in 2008 was a week before she had another stroke and passed away. It was a magical time for me. She wasn't easy during that period, but we had some great moments together there. One of my bes memories, was when we went to the Pyrenees mountains at Gavarnie and got caught in a huge storm. Mum was in a wheelchair. We put a binbag on her and wheeled her to the nearest bar, where we had a sing song. Mum told me that was the best moment of her life after she had the stroke. It was an absolute hoot.

9. In 1989, I had a birthday barbecue and invited all of my siblings, nephews, nieces and my mum. I love cooking barbecues. Mum asked if she could bring anything. I suggested a salad. Mum got quite excited about this. All week she was saying "I have a special salad for the party". On the appointed day, she turned up with a huge bowl with a bean salad in. It was full of garlic and absolutely delicious. A perfect complement to the sausages and burgers. Everyone was full of compliments for it. My sister Val asked where she'd got the recipe. The answer was perhaps the most surprising thing I'd heard for years. She said "It was in the Catholic Herald, Rabbi Blue writes an amazing cookery column in it". Only my mum would buy the Catholic Herald for the cookery column! My sister Val and bought Rabbi Blue's cook book, and it is rather good. I can't see a bean salad or a Rabbi without thinking of Mum and barbecues!

10. When I was seven, my Mum was diagnosed with stomach cancer and told it was a terminal condition. They could remove her stomach, but she would live three years at most. In some ways, I feel this was the end of my happy childhood. Mum had the operation and I can vividly remember going to see her in hospital a week after. She was hooked up to a drip and she looked like a ghost. It truamatised me seeing her, but she was my Mum and I am glad I did. She confounded the doctors and lived until 2008. No one else on the planet survived as long back then. In 1995, I was chatting to her about it. I told her how horrible it was seeing her like that. She told me a really odd story. She was dosed to the eyeballs with morphine after the operation. She can remember me coming with my Dad to see her. She said that it reminded her why she was fighting to be alive. She was a mum. She said that night, she awoke to find the devil standing over her. He had come to claim her soul. Being a Catholic, she tried to say the Lords Prayer, but could only say it backwards. She was panicking as she realised that she didn't want to die. She then said to the devil "You are not taking me, I have children to raise". She said that with that, there was a blinding flash of light and she knew she'd survive. My mum was incredibly superstitious. She told me that she genuinely believed that she had banished the devil from her life that night. Who knows what really happened, but whatever it was, she confounded the doctors and I am glad she did.

Mum with me in 1984