The Sunday Reflection #66 - Never think that nobody cares

About once every two or three months, I have days where my mood is very dark. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to watch TV, listen to the radio, music or do anything at all. Sometimes the mood will last an hour or two, sometimes a day, sometimes a week. I've never been able to figure out what triggers this. It is not when I am stressed, under a deadline or unhappy with life. Often it used to strike when I was on holiday with the family. I'd just lie in bed and do nothing, whilst they went about their business. My wife would berate me for being lazy, but I'd just lie there and feel miserable. Often I'd just sleep. If I was forced to engage, I'd be poor company. It was especially difficult when I used to work in an office and be professional towards other people. I always managed to hold it together, but I would make myself as unavailable as I possibly could until the mood passed.

One of the reasons I am such a prolific blogger is because I find it helps lift these moods, as well as stopping me drift into negative thinking cycles. However, I have come to realise that all of the worst life decisions I've made have been made in such moods. It is like there is a little part of me, that is locked deep away in my psyche, that every so often gets out and screws things up. 

Yesterday I posted a blog about some of the incidents at gigs I've played at. I posted this to Facebook with a link. I had the following comment.

That's a great blog post, Roger!! Sounds like you've had some pretty wild times. Gigging was so different back then - there seemed to be more venues - pubs and clubs, etc - at least in the nineties. Why did you stop gigging after 1990? 

I posted the following reply

Frustration with the music industry. We did a really good demo with Tony Robotham on vocals. I played it to a number of people in the music industry with a view to getting a few gigs and a deal. It was the height of pay to play and the venues wanted us to pay them to play. The people I knew at labels all said that it was not the sort of stuff people were listening to. I have a cassette of it and listened to it recently and it confirmed my view that they were idiots., but I just got so frustrated. If you are making music you know is good and the gatekeepers are not interested, it is the most frustrating thing in the world and I simply had enough of it

That wasn't the whole story though. At the time I made the decision, I was going through a particularly long and dark patch. Engaging with other people in the band was simply too difficult and I was expending too much energy. It was a bad decision and rather stupid in hindsight. The worst thing is that I actually developed a huge aversion to the idea of playing music at all. This lasted for more or less all of the 1990's. I managed a band, so I ended up dealing with all of the aspects of the industry I disliked and had none of the fun of playing.

I finished more than one perfectly good relationship as a result of dark moods and the desire to be on my own. In all cases, I regretted these decisions almost immediately, but was too proud or stubborn to try and do anything about it. One of the aspects of such moods is I convince myself no one likes me, no one would miss me if I wasn't here and everyone would be happier if I wasn't around. It is actually ridiculous, I have a wife, children, brother, sisters and great friends. But there is a big red switch in my brain that says "Do not press", that some demon part of my personality presses occasionally and the darkness descends. When I am in one of these moods, I can't explain my feelings, as I don't want to engage, and when it passes, I know it was ridiculous. When I had to work in an office with people, I'd have to pretend to be OK, which just made the whole thing worse. I'd get home and go straight to bed and just sleep. Occasionally, I'd have tickets for gigs, sometimes of bands I loved. Even this would be a horrific chore, although oddly, if the band were great, I would appreciate that they were great. It was just like I wasn't actually there.

So why am I writing this? Well I am a robust person and I have developed strategies for dealing with this. There are certain things that I know will help the darkness pass more quickly. I am a rational person and an engineer by trade, so I am always looking for a fix, even when my mind is not working properly. I have learned that the way to get through it is to not fight the mood, just to let it subside. As I said, sleeping and relaxing in peace is a good way. It will often pass as quickly as it descended. But I was talking to someone in the week, who was telling me they were really struggling. I realised that they were in a similar state of mind and they were doing everything they could to fight it. That was why they were in the studio, doing solo drum practice. The problem is when you are in that state of mind, you notice your mistakes and it just makes you worse. We got chatting and they explained that things really weren't working out at all. I said "I go through periods like that, I find that the best thing I can do is just try and chill". He explained "If I don't stay busy I just get really self destructive thoughts and it is worse". I do recognise this frame of mind. I asked "How long have you been feeling like this?" They said "A few weeks now, it is getting worse". At that moment, their phone rang and they wandered off. 

It troubled me. I was thinking about all of this and I realised that one aspect of my anxieties has massively dissipated. Since I had my brush with cancer, I realised people actually like me and care about me. When I have that dark voice in my head, when it tells me no one cares, I know it is nonsense. There are almost no benefits to having cancer, but that really is a big one. My dark periods dissipate far more quickly, because I have learned to appreciate life and the people I love. I have no idea if the person I was chatting to reads my blog, but if they do, although I don't really know them, I want them to know that I empathise and I hope they know people do care. 

Tonight, my band plays the Dublin Castle from 8pm. Come down if you can. I love playing but even more, I love seeing my friends who come along. Never think no one cares about you. It can seem like it but it is simply not true. I try and make sure that I support my friends when they are struggling. They certainly supported me.