I'm surprised I've not covered this topic before. As regular readers will know, The False Dots released a new single recently titled "Big Hairy Spider". A mate asked me this week if I was phobic of spiders, and whether this was an inspiration. In actual fact, I am not. My sister Caroline is. Often when we were kids, I'd be woken by her screams, as she saw a spider in the bedroom. Dad would be summoned to despatch it. I don't think my Dad was scared of anything, but when we were kids, he'd entertain us with tales of snakes, spiders and all manner of other terrible things, which fed our phobias. I recall one time, I told him I was scared of the monsters on Dr Who. He replied "I can show you the scariest monster of all". He picked me up and told me to shut my eyes and not open them until he said so. He carried me up stairs and said "You can look now". I opened my eyes, to find myself looking in the mirror. He then said "People have done far worse things than animals, animals just kill to survive".
As for my sister, I used to have great fun collecting big spiders to put under her bed. My brother used to collect earwigs and put them on my pillow, telling me that they'd climb in your ear and eat your brain. I'm not scared of them either. When I figured out what he was doing, I'd just check the bed every night and put them in his bed. To the best of my knowledge, his brain is still intact. So what are my fears and phobias?
1. Snakes. I can't stand them. If I see one I feel sick. I do blame my Dad and his tales of brown snakes in the outback of Australia for this. Living in London, I only come across them in zoos usually, so it is a bit of an odd fear.
2. Ragworms. When I was a kid, I used to like fishing. We went to Brighton pier. Dad bought a bag of Ragworms as bait. What I didn't know is that they have massive jaws and bite. They are also very ugly critters and do not take kindly to being stuck on fishing hooks. Dad was most disappointed with me, as I wouldn't go near them. I think that was the last time we went fishing.
3. The 221 bus through Finchley. For nearly five years, I took the 221 bus from Mill Hill to Finchley to school. I hated my time there. I didn't realise how much until I went to Orange Hill. It was far more relaxed and there were girls. I felt Finchley Catholic was like being in prison. I loved my mates and a few of the teachers, but it was really oppressive. For years, if I got the 221 I got a deep feeling of unease as we approached the Avondale Avenue stop, where we'd disembark. I have got over this, My son went there and I had to face up to it. The school has changed. Oddly, I had less problems going to the school than I did going on the bus.
4. Borehamwood. For many years I was terrified of going to Borehamwood. There was a very simple reason for this. When I was about five, my sister Valerie took me to Burnt Oak market. As we got the bus back, a 292 came along, with the destination of Borehamwood. She said we shouldn't get the bus. I asked why. She said that it was going to Borehamwood, rather than Mill Hill. I asked her what Borehamwood was like. She said "They don't like people from Mill Hill, if you go there, they will all come out and throw tomatoes at you". I believed her and had a fear of the place for a very long time. I can say I've overcome this one, and never had a tomato thrown at me when I visited.
5. Mushrooms. I used to get a comic called "TV Action" when I was a kid. There was a competition to design a monster for a Dr Who story in the comic. The winner designed a monster called an Ugrakk. It looked a bit like a squid crossed with an elephant. They were a fungus and could control other mushrooms. I'd been fond of mushrooms until then. It put me right off mushrooms for many years.
6. A woman who lived on my paper round in Flower Lane. When I was 14 I started doing a paper round for Vernons newsagents on Station Road. There was one house I delivered papers to and the people were lovely, but they had a daughter, who was about 20 years old and was horrible. She'd look out of the window and as I delivered the papers, she'd open the door and shout at me. The papers were always late, creased, wet, something. It got to the stage where I'd develop a strategy to get them through the door without her catching me. At Xmas, we'd always go around an knock on doors for an Xmas box. I decided I would not bother with her house. It seemed futile. As I walked past, the Dad saw me. He'd seen me knocking on the other doors, as he was washing cars. When he realised I was not knocking on his house he called me over. He asked why. I explained that I thought they were unhappy because his daughter was always telling me off. He looked embarrassed and said "No, you do fine, she's just a bit unhappy". He gave me a fiver, which was a huge amount. I used to see her in the cafe's in Mill Hill until about ten years ago. She'd always scowl at me. I have no idea why she disliked me. Mind you she was horrible to my mate who took the round over as well.
7. Trees. Of all the irrational fears, this is perhaps the most irrational. When I was about 18, a mate suggested that a group of us take magic mushrooms. Apparently these would open my eyes to the beauty of the world. It was a warm, sunny November day. Everything looked lovely. We went up to Moat Mount, to clown around. Everything was magical, until the sun went down. Then I noticed that the trees seemed malicious. I could hear them saying to me, telepathically "You are the enemy. We will be around long after the last human has gone". I have had a mild aversion to being in the company of trees at night ever since. It is always at the back of my mind that they hate us! I must say that it rather put me off such substances. I told a mate who is a hippy and loves such things. He said "Yeah trees have split personalities, they are happy in the sunshine, but really nasty at night". Make of it what you will.
8. Graveyards at night. I went to St Judes on the Hill last night. I had to walk past Golders Green Crematorium and Hoop Lane Cemetary. I've never seen a ghost at a cemetary, but I always feel a sense of forboding. I guess that we only ever really visit cemetaries when we are sad, so it isn't completely irrational.
9. Swimming. When I was four years old, I fell in the deep end at Butlins and nearly drowned. After that I was terrified of water. I got clobbered by teachers several times for refusing to participate in swimming lessons. I would have panic attacks. I'd bunk off school if I knew one was scheduled. I believed it was something I could not do. Then when I was 16, there was a girl I rather liked who was a keen swimmer. I decided that I had to learn. I went to Copthall Pool and taught myself. I am not a great swimmer, but I was functional. The whole thing scarred me so deeply, that I ensured my kids could swim a length by the time they were three. I wanted them to be able to get to the side and not panic if they fell in. My Eldest Daughter was a National Swimming Champion, so I guess something good came out of it.
10. My ex girlfriends flat mate. Many years ago, I went out with a georgeous girl who had a flat in Hendon. Her flatmate was a large girl, who was very sexually active and let say her morals were not those of a nun. One day, when I wasn't working and my girlfriend was, she came into the bedroom with a cup of tea. She was dressed seductively and made it clear that she was interested in some action. Now I always try and be polite, but there were many reasons why I was not interest. I liked my girlfriend, I knew her boyfriend and I didn't find her attractive being near the top of my list. She was quite persistant, but I managed to extracate myself from the situation quite diplomatically. However, at every opportunity, she made it clear that the offer was there whenever I wanted to take it up. I found it rather intimidating and I did everything I could to avoid being alone with her. What really perturbed me was I think she realised and took great relish in catching me in various situations and invading my personal space whenever possible. If anyone ever tells you a heterosexual man will always succumb if offered they are offered some slap and tickle with no consequences, I can assure you it isn't true. She ended up dating two ex members of my band at the same time and the situation ended pretty badly for all concerned. At the time, I actually thought that my girlfriend had set the situation up to see if I was the unfaithful type. Subsequent events made me realise this wasn't the case.
I have managed to connquer all of them, apart from the first two and I suspect the last, although I've niot had any contact with her for decades! I don't really have any desire to overcome my fear of snakes or Ragworms. I must add that I had mushrooms for breakfast and they were delicious.
Anyway, I'll dedicate this to my sister Caro and her dislike of Spiders. This is The False Dots latest single, Big Hairy Spider.
