Gavin Williamsons real job - Decoy in chief

 I had a theory about why Tony Blair had John Prescott as his Deputy Prime Minister. Back in 2014, I revealed what I thought Prescott's real job was "To me he is simply a middle class John Prescott. Most people remember Prescott as a bumbling stooge of a deputy Prime Minister, the buffoon to who acted as a merkin whilst Tony Blair did the real dirty business of government. " Many people got in touch to say that for the first time, they realised why Prescott was kept on.

Yesterday, Twitter went mad with a whole load of humourous posts following Williamson allegedly accidental mistaking of Maro Itoge for Marcus Rashford. 

Gavin Williamson accepting his Twat of the Year award from Imelda Staunton. pic.twitter.com/jQvvcGiQI4

— Lady Cornflake 🇪🇺🇬🇧 (@LadyCornflake) September 9, 2021

The more I thought about it, the less likely it was that I could conceive that this was a real error. Politics is a dirty business. It was PMQ's and Boris was getting hammered for breaking two key election promises. I've met Maro Itoge on many occasions. He grew up in Mill Hill and is a regular at our church. He has given motivational speeches to local teenagers organised by the Church. You don't miss him. 

It could not be clearer that the whole thing was cooked up to get us looking the other way about the election promises being broken. It worked. I think many underrate the Machiavellian streak in Johnson, keeping on useless incompetents, happy to do his bidding when necessary. I'm sure Boris would consider it a bonus that Rashford, who massively embarrassed him, was insulted. That is the Tory Party of today.

UKIP win in Clacton but is Nigel Farage just a middle class John Prescott

UKIP now have their first elected MP. Clearly for the party, this is a momentus moment, but what does it really mean. Based on last nights results, UKIP would have an outright majority in the House of Commons. The Tories would have been totally wiped out and Labour would be reduced to its very safest seats. This would mean that Westminster would have a government where only one of their number had actually served previously in Parliament. The Home secretary, the Foreign Secretary and the NHS would all be put in the hands of people with absolutely no experience and no exposure to the protools of Parliament. Wheras Cameron went into No 10 with some idea of who his team were and what their strengths were, Nigel Farage wouldn't have a clue how good or bad any of his team were and how they would perform.

Perhaps the most interesting thing would be to see how the Sir Humphreys of the Civil Service would deal with this new lot. The first thing one presumes UKIP would do is organise a referendum on UK membership of Europe. This would grab the headlines, but the things that really matter to people are how the NHS is run, how schools are run, how the railways are run and how the police and prison service are run. One can just see how this new team, who have no experience of dealing with Civil servants would fare. This morning I've heard commentator after commentator saying Nigel Farage is a one off. I disagree. To me he is simply a middle class John Prescott. Most people remember Prescott as a bumbling stooge of a deputy Prime Minister, the buffoon to who acted as a merkin whilst Tony Blair did the real dirty business of government. If Blair wanted to see how a policy would be received, he'd get Prescott to announce it. The press would go bonkers and rip it to shreds. Blair would then analyse the criticism, fine tune it and say "Well thats John, what we are really doing is this". He did this time and time again and won three elections as a result.

What is less well remembered is what a fantastic job Prescott did as shadow Transport secretary before the 1997 election. Prescott in opposition was a star performer. It is easy in opposition, you simply have to say what a rotten job the government is doing and everyone agrees with you. Being a plain speaking northerner, he was seen as a man of the people. Prescott would make a point of being pictured with a pint. When someone thumped him, he didn't cry, he just turned around and decked him. Whilst the politcal classes reeled in shock, Prescotts ratings went through the roof.

To me Farage is just the same, except he's middle class and I suspect lacks the street brawler heart of Prescott. In opposition, it is easy. He can say he'll ban HIV carrying immigrants and convicted murderers. He can say what he likes, but it doesn't matter. It is when it actually comes to having to go through Parliament that it all goes wrong. Take the issue of convicted murderers. Sounds great doesn't it? I can see the appeal. I do why he didn't choose peadophiles instead. You may think this is a strange comment, but anyone who knows about crime knows most murderers are not repeat offenders. I have a friend who is a convicted murderer. He is now in his 50's. When he was eight, his mother remarried. His stepfather abused him for years. When he was 23, his then ageing stepfather attacked him. My friend, for the first time, fought back and killed him. Under a Farage law, he'd be banned from living in the UK, even though his crime was a completely understandable one off. Anyone who is familiar with the statistics knows that the majority of murderers serve their time and don't offend again.

You see it's typical of Farage. He makes policy up on the hoof. I believe that like Prescott this is fine in opposition, where it really doesn't matter. In government, it is different. Take his announcement on HIV positive immigrants. HIV is a virus that is treatable. Most people in the UK with HIV are on medication and live normal lives. I for one cannot see why HIV is different from any other chronic condition. It his highly discriminatory. In terms of cost to the NHS, would Farage ban people with Multiple Sclerosis or motor nerone disease? Both are incurable, debilitating and expensive to treat? If the answer is no, then why choose HIV. I daresay that Farage will say because the disease is contracted by lifestyle. Again this is highly ignorant. How can you ban someone who contracted HIV through a blood transfusion or who is monogamous and infected by a promiscuous partner. Farage may say that it is because HIV is infectious and he's acting to protect the public. In this case, surely the ban should be on anyone with a life threatening transmittable disease. This means that you'd have to include Hepatitis, HP, influenza, mumps, measles etc.

What stuns me is the hypocisy. Farage makes a big deal of being seen drinking alcohol and smoking. These cost the NHS far more than HIV, but to Nige they are part of the image. Don't get me wrong, I drink too much but I don't go around pontificating about HIV. Why not ban smokers? Passive smoke kills people. Drinking tea in a room full of HIV carriers is perfectly safe, if you did the same for 30 years with a bunch of smokers, you'd significantly raise your chances of lung disease and cancer.

In short I think Farage is an ignorant buffoon. My only worry is that whilst Prescott had Blair to protect us from his buffonary, Farage is the top man. Who is his team? Well at the moment he has one MP. That man was a Tory MP who clearly wasn't up to higher office and quit his party in a fit of pique. I play football. I run a business. If I want to do well, I want team players. To me UKIP is filled with disaffected malcontents. What wasn't reported in Clacton is that there was also a Council election. The man originally selected to be the candidate in Clacton was a UKIP councillor. He quit in digust at his treatment. Farage didn't bother to tell him that he'd been replaced by Carswell. What does that tell you about Farage? To me it says that the man is not a leader and has no loyalty for his team. He dumps on his most loyal players if it suits him and hasn't even got the guts to do it face to face. I've had to give people difficult messages. You do it face to face and in a case like this the way is simple. You meet the man being replaced, you explain why it is vital for the party for Carswell to come in and you promise him the best seat you can get him elsewhere. You also praise him to the hilt for his contribution. Farage is not a leader so he clearly doesn't get it.

Saturday 2nd June - John Cooper Clarke at Stoke Newington Literary Festival

On Monday 4th June, John Cooper Clarke is doing a gig at Stoke Newington Literary festival. JCC is brilliant. His poem TWAT is one of my favourite pieces of work. Last night I was picking up my daughter from swimming and she mentioned her disdain for poetry. I asked if she'd ever heard the works of John Cooper Clarke and she sneered. When we arrived home, I got her to watch this YouTube clip of JCC (She's 16 and old enough)



There is also a great interview in the Guardian:-

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2012/may/29/john-cooper-clarke-punk-poet-interview?newsfeed=true

Perhaps the finest quote from the article

Tony Blair or John Prescott? OK, take the piss out of John Prescott if you like, but who would you rather wake up next to: Pauline or Cherie? Pauline looks like Elizabeth Taylor at her peak. What a goddess. Beautiful!

The best thing about JCC is the fact he doesn't stand for bullshitters. I'm all for a punk rock mentality in such matters and am eternally grateful that I was a teenager in the late 1970's when these attitudes prevailed.

From the Festival Website

Saturday, June 2 at 7:30 PM
STOKE NEWINGTON LITERARY FESTIVAL 2012: John Cooper Clarke : Stoke Newington Literary Festival / with Simon Day
at Stoke Newington Town Hall

John Cooper Clarke’s biting, satirical, political and very funny verse delivered in his rapid-fire performance style has been influential from the days of the punk movement in the late 70s right through to today’s pop culture. Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys cites JCC as a huge inspiration and John’s work appears on the sleeve of one of their singles. 3 of his poems are now in the GCSE syllabus. John will be on stage at 9pm, following the support act.

The worst job in the whole universe !

One of the organisations I despise most is News International. I don't like their papers, I don't like their politics or ethics and I hate the fact I have to give Sky TV nearly £50 a month to watch football. In light of this it gives me great satisfaction to think that the person with the worst job in the world is on their payroll !

Who do I mean? I mean the bloke who's job it is to listen in to the phonecalls of all the celebrities that they were bugging. Just consider some of the victims.

Alan Shearer, Vanessa Feltz, John Prescott, Alex Ferguson to name but a few. Can you imagine how mindnumbingly boring some of these conversations could be, especially with the accents of some of the victims. Have you ever sat next to someone on the train, who is chatting on the phone? Can you imagine having to suffer that for 7 hours a day. Especially if you are expected to come up with juicy scoops. Just imagine the scenario

In the NI Office :
Editor : "Ted, pick up Line 1. We've got Alex Ferguson calling John Prescott, bound to be a story there"
---
Fergie "Aye, Prezza, scoon dein hurgle"
JP: "Oh Hi Alex, I was just putting some peas on to boil"
AF: "Theet Blar scunner, hays a dungle furgle, Scurdle, Yurdle durdle"
JP: "Oh that was at quarter past three"
AF: "Ach aye. Deedle gurdle yet orgle borgle"

20 Minutes later

JP: "Oh Alex that's hilarious"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle and burdle"
JP: "oh yes, Oh yes, Oh Yes"
AF: "aye, aye, scurdle burdle and durdle durdle"
JP: "Oh dear Alex, I've let the peas boil dry, Pauline will be furious, must go"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle"
---
Editor : "Ted, I see the Fergie call has dropped. Any exciting scoops"
Ted (lying through his teeth): "Erm, oh, yes, Fergie told him that he's signing Alan Shearer for £18 Million".
Editor: "Great, we'll make some enquiries"
---

30 Minutes later.
Editor: "Quick Ted, pick up line 1, Shearer's Agent is calling him"
Ted (Rather worried) : "Oh Ok"

Agent: "Hi Alan. The News of the World have just called. They've been tipped off that Manchester United are going to bid £18 million for you !"
AS: "Oh dear. I've just planted some tomatoes in the allotment"
Agent: "But Alan, this is your chance to make a fortune"
AS: "I'm thinking of putting a shed there as well. Do you think Argos will give me a free shed if I say 'I like Argos sheds' next time I score a goal"
Agent: "Alan, Manchester United are GOING TO BID £18 MILLION FOR YOU"
AS: "Look I'd better go, I think we've got greenfly on the runner beans"

Editor : "Ted, what did they say"
Ted: (Lying through his teeth) - "Shearer said he wouldn't go for less than £35 Million and he wants £200,000 A WEEK."
Editor : Great.

20 Minutes later:

Editor : "John Prescott is calling back Fergie. Ted, quick pick up the line"

JP: "Alex, Alex, I've just had Tony on the line. He's livid. He's heard you are going to pay £35 million for Shearer and give him £200,000 a WEEK. Alex he's a Newcastle fan. He watched Jackie Milburn on the terraces for years. He's blowing his top. Apparently MI6 have just intercepted a call from his agent."
AF: "Theet grady scunner sharher wents £200,ooo a wek. The grady battard, the greedy greedy battard. Well yae cun teel ya meet Townee thet, sharher can feek raight arf. Aye wunnae pey the grady battard 50p a wek. Hees troouble, hes a skunner, skin landy gurtle snortle, maust gae"

Editor : "Ted, Ted, whats the news?"
Ted : "Deals off boss, United wouldn't meet his demands" (deep internal relief)

2 minutes later :

Editor: "Ted, Ted, quick pick up line 2 - Vanessa Feltz is calling her fiance"

VF - "Hello darling I'm feeling hot, really hot are you"
Fiance - "yes Darling"
VF - "I'm wearing stockings suspenders and I'm covered in Chocolate..."

At this point Ted, takes off the headset, runs to the top of NI Towers and jumps.

Would you really want that job?

**** John Prescott

John Prescott has the hump because News International may have hacked his mobile phone.

Big ****ing deal. Lets remind ourself what John Prescott did from 1997-2007. He was deputy Prime Minister. Did he get the hump about the RIPA legislation? This supposedly anti terrorism law has been used to catch people letting their dogs foul the footpath. It is a tool of intimidation for many Councils. Did Prescott get thehump about it when he was in power?

Did he get the hump about the complicty of MI5 operatives in torture of British citizens by foreign governments?

Did he get the hump about dodgy intelligence dossiers being used to justify invasions of foreign sovereign country's in the House of Commons?

Did he get the hump over the fact that the government, through GCHQ can read any Internet communication they like, can listen to any phone call and intercept any email?

Did he get the hump when people who he knew had done nothing, were held for years in Guantanamo Bay by the US authorities, purely as a fig leaf for the failed President George Bush.

Sure I accept that the world is a better place withour Saddam Hussein, I accept that sometimes our civil liberties will have to take second place to National security issues, but the British Government has gone way beyond what is reasonable in achieving it's aims. Prescott may not like the fact that the News of The World made him look like a plonker on many occasion, but surely the justification he used time and time again for all of his lousy decisions holds true. If he wasn't up to anything dodgy he had nothing to fear from the surveillance.

I despise the standards and ethics of the News International group, but John Prescott was Tony Blairs figleaf. Without his active participation, keeping Old Labour onside and in check, maybe we'd have got the Government we thought we'd voted for in 1997. I don't have a big problem with Tony Blair. He was following his instincts. John Prescott wasn't. he took the Kings shilling and forgot his principles. If he doesn't like the feeling that his texts were read and his private conversations were listened to, he's in good company with everyone else who's suffered as a result of these practices. I'm sorry, but sometimes it's nice to see people get a taste of their own medicine, however harsh that may sound.