Thursday, 2 July 2026

2 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - Pusherman (I'm the man)

Three days to go unti the launch of The False Dots new single "We don't live in America". Today we are previewing track 10 on the album, Pusherman (I'm the man). We have skipped track 9, Big Hairy Spider as it was the single from the album and has already been released (CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO). Pusherman is an old song, which we've given a new lease of life. We recorded it in 2006, with a very different iteration of the band. Myself and Fil Ross were on guitar, Paul Hircombe (RIP) on bass and Tony Cavaye on drums. Charlie Honderick takes a guest turn on vocals. I like the version, which we released on our odds and sods album,  but we felt that a more raw, updated version with Trumpet would work well. 
It is a big song, a horrible song. Back in the mid 1980's I rented a room in a house share in Mollison Way. When I moved in it was pretty respectable, but a couple of housemates moved out and a couple of drug dealers moved in. The flat became a centre for dealing, which was awkward for me, as I had a respectable job, I moved out after three months, but I saw a few things that were totally beyond the pale. My actual flatmates were not too bad as people, but there were a couple of suppliers who were really hard core, with no respect for anyone or anything. I was fascinated to observe them. The first time I met them, I walked in when they were conducting business. Can you imagine walking into your own front room to be greeted with "Who the F**K are you?". During that period some of my vinyl went missing and on more than one occasion, I got in and went to bed to find someone crashed out in it.

I mentally noted their behaviour and wrote the song after watching an episode of Life on Mars, the series with Philip Gleinister. I cast myself as the Pusherman in it. We retitled the song "I'm the man" for the Odds and Sods release and changed the lyrics, as Charlie wasn't overly happy being the font of all evil. This is the full version in all its glory. It's all true, but I am acting the role, it is not me! The British love playing baddies and it is fun to sing it. 

Pusherman
 
The harder they come the harder they fall
When you at the bottom the drop is small
It’s the simple things keep you alive
They’re the reason your gonna die
CH –
I’m the man you know that I am
When you look at me you don’t understand
I’m the man you know that I am
And its my life to be what I am
V2 ---
The harder you push the harder I’ll fight
I’m out here when your home at night
It’s the simple things that make you smile
That makes things right for a little while
CH –
I’m the man you know that I am
When you look at me you don’t understand
I’m the man you know that I am
And its my life to be what I am
 
--Guitar Solo
V3
So you think you’re better than me
You’ve passed out watching the TV
I gave your girlfriend something nice
We made love not once but twice
CH – X2
I’m the man you know that I am
When you look at me you don’t understand
I’m the man you know that I am
And its my life to be what I am
V4
I’ll take your money
I’ll take your girl
I’ll take your car
I’ll have it all
CHx 2 - Ends
 


Wednesday, 1 July 2026

3 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - The Hadley FC we love you!

Three days to go unti the launch of The False Dots new single "We don't live in America". Today we are previewing "Hadley FC We love you". Tom Hammond, our Trumpeter and part time singer joined the band after chatting to me at Hadley FC where we are both season ticket holders. We wanted to write the ultimate football song for our fave Non League team. The actual song has had two other versions. I wrote it in 2012. We recorded a version with Allen Ashley, who wrote the original third verse and middle eight. It was a generic football song. Lee Thompson from Madness recorded saxon the song. We recorded it and made some CD's to raise cash for Prostate Cancer charities, in association with Madchat (The Madness Charity). 

When Tom joined the band, we rewrote the lyrics and repurposed the song for the England Euro's campaign. I took the vocal duties. Tom then suggested we do a Hadley version. So when the album is released, you'll be able to compare all three. This song is very Hadley specific and we will be releasing a limited edition vinyl single version. 

Saturday Hadley Version


Verse 1
Saturday is here again, the weekend starts, let the football begin
Breakfast at my favourite café, Brickfield Lane to watch us win,
The sun is high the wind is cold, smell of burgers up my nose
Excitement builds. We’re ready to go, listen to the whistle blow
 
Chorus
It doesn’t matter what you do, Come on Hadley See us through
You know that it’s true, Hadley FC, We Love You
--
Saturday gets us through, in the green, red against blue,
Chris Nash, thread it through, beat them with the old 1-2
From outside, hear the roar, whether we win, lose or draw
Wear the shirt, wave the scarf, tennis balls at the end of the half
--
We don’t care what you do, Come on Hadley See us through
You know that it’s true, Hadley FC, We Love You
 
Middle Eight
Its our purpose its our reason, Brickfield Lane every season
And our faith will never falter, worship at the Hadley alter
-
Saturday, see your mates, 3 o’clock or early or late
San Marino, Leverstock Green, We are Hadley The greatest team
Excitement builds we’re ready to go, the smell of hot dogs up my nose
Steve Gray always believe, take Hadley to the top of the league
--
We don’t care what you do, Come on Hadley See us through
You know that it’s true, Hadley FC, We Love You
--
Coda
@falsedotsrog Three days to go until th release of The False Dots brand new album - We don’t live in America - today’s canvas is our tribute to HadleyFC - our fave football club #punk #football #nonleaguefootball #hadleyfc ♬ original sound - The False Dots

 


Rog T's Cancer Blog - My support for Eddie Nestor after his cancer statement

Back in 2023, I was personally struggling. Having been diagnosed with  prostate cancer in 2011, I was faced with a second round of treatment, which was going to be life changing. This series of blogs gave some clue to my readers. I didn't personally realise the magnitude of challenges I was facing. To my surprise though, BBC Radio London mid morning host Eddie Nestor had been following the blogs and got in contact. Eddie had his own challenge with cancer a couple of decades ago and recognised the fact that I was struggling, perhaps more than I realised. Eddie got in touch and offered his support. We have discussed cancer many times since.

Yesterday, Eddie announced that he was facing a new battle himself. When I started this journey, back in 2011, I would have posted a blog saying "Thoughts and prayers with you Eddie, I don't know what else to say". Now I do. I have grown up. One of the most important lessons I learned in 2023 is that you have to say what you feel. I have this message for Eddie. 

Dear Eddie, 

I read your post on Facebook yesterday and I was absolutely devastates. When we have spoken recently about cancer, it has been from the perspective of  people who had survived, moved on and wanted to help others facing the challenges and share our experience. We both also know that the monster may still be under the bed. When we last spoke, we discussed how for people in our position, cancer is more a mental health issue than a physical one. What we spoke of the anxiety of check ups and perceived symptoms. We spoke of the fear of the monster under the bed.

In 2023 when I was struggling, you stepped up and offered support and an opportunity to honestly air the struggles I faced as a 60 year old man facing a life changing procedure. I didn't know what the future held, what to tell my children or wife about my feelings and how to deal with the huge anger and resentment that I was feeling. As someone who's job it is to talk and make people feel comfortable, you did an amazing job helping me put the jigsaw of life back together in my head. Given that we are both scalliwags from London, who don't particularly like showing vulnerability, I never properly thanked you for this. Partly, this is because I guess you didn't want thanks, but partly because when we put the monster back inder the bed, we like to pretend it isn't there.

I read your statement yesterday as I was about to visit the gym. I spent 30 minutes on the cycling machine in turmoil. When we hear such news, it reminds anyone living with the monster under the bed that it is still there. I also realised that it would only be right and proper to say something. I have no idea whether you'll read this, but if you do there are some important things I want you to know. The first is that I love you mate, and if there is anything I can do, just let me know. It may seem a strange thing to say about a bloke I've only spoken to on the phone, but it is important to realise the effect your support had on me and how appreciated it is. The second is that we never realise how dark it is getting until someone turns the light on. I thought the sun was shining and I was doing alright mentally, until yourself and other friends put the light on. Even though your no 1 battle is the physical one, make sure that you do what you need to for your mental health. 

The difficult fact is that with cancer, it is what it is. It is a thief. It steals what we love most. In my darkest moments, I was thinking very dark thoughts. Thoughts I am not proud of, but if I don't acknowledge them, I would be dishonest. I seriously thought that it might be better if I wasn't around at all. Maybe it would spare the people I loved the sight of me disintegrating in front of them. I thought about refusing treatment and having a few great months or years and then flying to Switzerland. When I finally decided to have surgery, my wife almost broke down in tears, she said she'd have supported me whatever I decided, but I had made the choice that gave her the best chance of lumbering herself with me for the foreseeable future. That was probably the moment the light really came on. From there, once I had a plan, the job was easier, just stick with it. 

Your message says that you are now on chemo and are in the plan. I hope you are in the phase of sticking with it. It ain't easy. Far more so for you on chemo, than me with surgery. With that it was a massive discomfort for six weeks and then more or less back to normal. I don't know what the treatment plan is. What I do know is that it will be a bumpy journey. You have a fantastic wife and two amazing kids. You have a reason. Anyone with a reason is lucky. I am sure that chatting to people like me on your show in a few weeks or months, is the last thing you want to think of right now, but myself and hundreds of thousands of people in London are crossing our fingers and praying for the day you come back and start insulting us again!

In a perfect world, in three years time, we'll be rapping on your show, talking about how we both have put the monster back under the bed. In the meantime hang in there. Do what you need to do. God put you here to do great things. You have done, I genuinely believe that there is more to come. The best things in life ain't easy, but we persevere. We get through. It won't be pretty, it won't be fun, but just as the darkness of night, follows the sunniest day, so the Sun rises again. 

Give me love to Lisa and the boys. In some ways, it's harder for them. You know what the coup is and what you have to do. My mum had cancer when I was eight and it was awful. She was told she had 3 years maximim in 1970. She died in 2008. What her amazing surgeon, Mr Phillip King learned through her treatment changed many things in how such cancers are treated.  He'd wheel her out at seminars and explain to other surgeons how they could improve survival rates. He told her "Don't despair, you live in the best era to get cancer, we can cure things now that even ten years ago were terminal". The same is true today, only a thousand times over. Give them boys a big hug and make sure they know you love them. And make sure Lisa knows how much you appreciate her. I am sure she knows you love her, but appreciation is different. 

I probably won't be this nice to you again, that's not how we swing, but right now I just wanted to let you know that all of us in the Tichborne household are on your side mate. 

Take care and get better.

Rog T



Tuesday, 30 June 2026

4 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - The Crows

4 days to go to the launch of We don't live in America, the brand new album by The False Dots. Today, we preview one of our absolute Ska bangers, The Crows. This song is a real toe tapper! Lyrically, it is a collision of two ideas. I started a song about the rise of the high rise Barnet. When I was a kid, the only high rise building I knew was Green Shield house in Edgware. It seemed incredibly posh. Everyone loved Green Shield stamps! Now Barnet is awash with such buildings. What is sad is that whilst when I was a kid, we had open air swimming pools, good local shops, youth clubs, etc, now there is nowhere to go. I had been playing around with the the idea, but it didn't gel. Then I was having a discussion with my daughter. I jokingly said I could write a song about anything. She was looking at the TEMU page and saw a crow outfit. She said, if you can write a song about Crows, I'll come to your next gig in a crow outfit. So the song was adapted. She kept her word!

The Crows

I look out the window, the skies are grey

Rats eat the rubbish and the pigeons are at play

You don’t see the cops walking round here

Just wino’s on the bench drinking high strength beer


-  Oh Yeah x 4


It aint a ghost town its worse than that

The psycho next door murdered my cat

Anyone with money, they moved far away

You’d have to be insane if you wanted to stay

 

Ch

If you like the smell of weed, you’ll always catch a whiff

If you like a line of coke, You can always score a sniff

If you like to watch the wildlife, there’s plenty to see

But only the crows are well and truly free

Oh Yeah x 4

 

Middle 8

It used to be oh so nice, at the swimming pool with a cold choc ice

We had a woollies and a nice little pub that did warm bitter and decent grub

-

They put up towers, now you can’t see the stars

If you see any cops, they zoom past in cars

They closed down the pool there’s nowhere to go

The kids  all smoke Crack and spend their time stoned

-

Ch

If you like the smell of weed, you’ll always catch a whiff

If you like a line of coke, You can always score a sniff

If you like to watch the wildlife, there’s plenty to see

But only the crows are well and truly free

 

Coda

Someone’s doing well, but it they don’t live round here

We got forgotten there’s nothing but tears

We live in a town where no sane people go

And the only wild life you see is pigeons, rats and a crows


Monday, 29 June 2026

5 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - Rambo's Rampage!

5 days to go to the launch of We don't live in America, the brand new album by The False Dots. Today, we preview what is to me, perhaps the most personally important. We are a band. We are not just a bunch of blokes that play together, we are friends. I would see all of the members still, even if we stopped playing. We make music that we enjoy and we can have a laugh about. Of all of the current members, our drummer Graham 'Rambo' Ramsey is the one I've known longest. Graham has been involved in the band, on and off since 1985. Before we had partners and children we had holidays together and have always enjoyed a beer and shenanigans. In January 2021, Graham had a huge personal tragedy, when his son Daniel took his own life. We were in lockdown, Graham had covid, so couldn't leave the house. We couldn't meet to support him. Allen Ashley, our singer was unable to rehearse or perform with us when lockdown lifted, but we realised it was vital to get Graham out and playing ASAP. So we started playing as a three piece. I took over on vocals as a temporary measure. I'd not sung with the band since 1982, I'd stuck to guitar. But needs must. I realised that most of my songs were written for someone leses voice and style. So we needed new songs.

Luckily, I am pretty prolific, but part of my personal brief was to put a smile on Graham's face, as we did what we could to support him. I had a few numbers that I could just about manage, but I got busy. Luckily inspiration was not too hard to find. At rehearsals, we'd stop for a cuppa and Graham would chat about life. We encouraged him to talk. He opened up. He started telling us stories and anecdotes, and I realised we had a rich vein of unexploited inspirations. Songs like "Sunday in the 70's contained some of his anecodotes. As we started gigging, we realised that the new material worked really well. So we developed more of it. Our first post covid album "Don't be afraid of a finger in the Sun". Eight of the eleven songs were hastily cobbled together, a couple were from the early days, and one was a number we were working on with Allen before covid. Boz Boorer did a fine job producing the album. The only small issue was that by the time we released it, Tom Hammond had joined the band on Trumpet and our sound had moved on. Tom has played an increasingly important role in the development of the songs. One of the first songs he helped us develop was a song I wrote as a tribute to Graham. It is called "Rambo's Rampage" and is based on stories Graham told us about how he got into music and mod culture. Tom added some amazing trumpet to it. The first time we played it, it got an amazing reaction. It is worth noting that Tom was born the year Graham joined the band, so in many ways it has a lot of synchronicity to it. The song starts as a full on Rock track and then breaks down into a British Ska groove, with an amazing trumpet line over the top. To say I was happy with the number is an understatement. Boz Boorer did a great job on the production as well. I don't think any song demonstrates the different aspects of the current line up of the band as well as this one.


Rambo’s Rampage
 
V1
He went up to the Gaumont up at Tally Ho,
The Who had made a movie, he knew he had to go
He bought himself some popcorn, he bought a Jubberly
And waited for the punchup down on Brighton Beach

--- V2
But half way through she appeared on the screen
He got real excited he nearly spilled his beans
Suddenly he realised there’s better things than cash
Most of all on the screen the lovely Leslie Ash

- Chorus
Quadrophenia blew Rambo Away
HE’s never been the same up to this day
He got himself a scooter, he got himself some blues
He’s got a brand new hero and it isn’t Rodney Bewes

-- V3
Rambo took his Scooter down to Brighton Pier
He’d just had a rebore he had to stake some care
He only could do 20 or it would blow up
Arrived after midnight he wasn’t very chuffed

- Chorus

-V4
He walked along the seafront looking for Lesley Ash
But he bumped into a dealer and parted with some cash
He danced till the early hours he didn’t have a care
He lost his mind in Brighton and maybe it’s still there

- Chorus

-Coda
It wasn’t Rodney Bewes
He bought himself some blues
He had a brand new hero
And it wasn’t Rodney Bewes
@falsedotsrog 5 days to go until the release of #thefalsedots brand new album - #wedontliveinamerica today’s quick snippet is Rambos Rampage where #modculture meets #ska - inspired by our drummer Rambo’s early life as a #mod ♬ original sound - The False Dots

And here's the canvas.




Sunday, 28 June 2026

The Sunday reflection #90 - Would the world be a better place if Christianity had never emerged

 A good few years ago, I was having a beer in the pub with a mate of mine, an avowed atheist, who occasionally, when the mood takes him, decides to try and wind me up about religion. Personally I think the world would be a better place if we didn't try and force our views on other people, I try not to, but he is a wind up merchant and has always mistaken my reticence to discuss my desire to discuss such things in the pub as a sign of weakness, rather than respectful good manners ( when he reads this, I am sure the statement will wind him up no end, which is a very good thing as far as I am concerned).

Given that my personal creed is largely based on trying to be a decent human being, to do a bit of good if I can and to try a live and let live, I've never really sought to study the bible or any other religious text to justify my actions. I think it is all pretty simple. I get a lot of personal benefit from attending church, not least an hour when no one bothers me in the week. It is good to learn who is not well, who has passed away, etc. Last year, I reconnected with one of my best schoolmates from Primary School when I saw his Mums funeral announced in the parish newsletter. I get why people can't stand the whole thing, and respect that we all walk different roads.

Anyway, back to my mate. He said to me "You do realise that Jesus didn't rise from the dead and the world would have been a better place if all of his followers had just gone back to being fishermen, rather than going around peddling fairytales". I don't know if he expected me to get upset at this notion. Unlike many Christians, I realise that just because various accounts are written in various books, people do make stuff up. But that wasn't the thing that interested me in the proposition. Just suppose they had taken what probably would have been a very logical course of action if they'd followed my mates advice? What would have happened to the world? Well firstly, there would have still been the ten commandments and the Jewish religion. That had been around for a few thousand years and I doubt it would have disappeared. 

It is part of the human condition to seek answers. These days we largely do it through scientific practices, but the practice of science in its current form is a relatively new development. It developed largely through the development of education and universities. Oxford University does not have a single founding date or a specific founder. Instead, it evolved organically starting in the late 11th century as scholars gathered in the city to study theology, philosophy, and the liberal arts, driven by the church's need for educated clergy. Oxford is the worlds third oldest university. Bologna is the second.. Again it was founded to teach canon law etc. The oldest is actually in Morocco, the University of al-Qarawiyyin, which is over 200 years older than both, but was a Madrassa, teaching Islamic studies. Oxford added chairs of science in the 1600's. It can be argued that this was the starting point of what we may consider the modern world.  That is not to say science didn't exist. You only have to look at some of the ancient wonders of the world to see that very clever engineers had their heads around scientific principles, but centres of excellence are needed for science to flourish and this grew out of places that were originally studying theology. 

None of us can hazard a guess how all of this would have developed if Christianity had simply never existed. The fact that there are a myriad of other religions and philosophys such as Budhism, Hinduism, Zoriastrianism, etc that do not really share a common ancestry with Christianity shows that people have always liked the idea of some sort of formal religion. I believe that the mass of people who have followed Christianity for the last 2000 years, especially until the modern concepts of athiesm developed, would have simply found something or someone else to believe in. As no one knows what the alternative future would look like, no one can really say it would be better or worse. My own personal view, is that it would probably be worse, but if we look at China, which is an ancient civilisation, with little Christian infulence, it functions and is an ordered society. I visited China in 1991 and chatting to some of the Chinese people we met, all of whom were authorised party members and heavily vetted, I was fascinated to find that forty years of a Communist government and a state sponsored atheistic state had made them far more superstitious than us silly Westerners. 

I was keen to know if they were superstitious. Knowing many Chinese love gambling, I asked about this and sure enough, you can remove religion, but basic superstitions are far harder to deal with. In fact, I think in some ways Christians are far less superstitious ( I know many atheists will disagree on the basis that they see Christianity as a superstition), but I don't know anyone who's day will be ruined if their bus ticket has an unlucky number. In Japan, a country I've not visited but again one that has no Christian tradition, society is far more regimented and organised that in Britain. People kill themselves when they lose face and it is almost impossible to break out of the social strata you find yourself in. It has many good things, it is a very safe society, but I can't say that I fancy living there. 

If I think of the countries that seem to have a culture where people enjoy themselves, I think of places such as Ireland and Brazil. All have strong Christian traditions. One of the benefits of Christianity is the concept of big festivals. As I'm the man who wrote a song called "We all love a party", I realised that my upbringing ingrained the concept of having a big party at the drop of a hat. Although Christmas is not a religious feast for most Brits, we still have the muscle memory. Now of course there is a good argument that the Church just nicked the festival from the Vikings and their celebration of the equinox. I don't think too many will argue that dumping the Viking traditions of raping and pillaging, but keeping the party is a good thing. 

So to sum up. As it is impossible to argue that Christianity hasn't had a massive influence on the deelopment of society over 2,000 years and we have no idea what would have happened if it wasn't around, we can only speculate. I explored some of these ideas with my mate. He had to conclude that without Christianity it was more than possible that some alternative religion that was less benign may have taken hold and we'd all still be in the dark ages.  He changed his position to be that Christianity should have been abolished (along with all of the worlds other religions), when educated people started to decide it was a load of old nonsense. I was surprised at this rather illeberal take on the subject. If people decide religion is not for them, that is fine. I went to a school that tried rather clumsily to brainwash me. The fact that I do not get upset when people say things such as my mate said in the pub indicates they've failed. But a situation where we had the controls on religion that China and the USSR had would be far worse, as far as I am concerned.

The thing I've found most strange of all about religion and faith is that those who try and ram it down your throat are generally those with the least real understanding of it. They often have a complete lack of natural empathy so don't realise how annoying they are to the rest of us. I had to throw one of the out of the studio reception not too long ago for bothering other customers and dishing out religious leaflets. When I asked him to leave, he got quite irate and told me I was stopping him saving people. In actual fact, I found him far more annoying than my mate who tries to wind me up.




6 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - Chinese Nosh

Less than a week to go now! The False Dots release our brand new album "We don't live in America". The songs are a celebration of the things that separate us from our wonderful American cousins.One of the best things about London is our amazing selection of culinary variety. I was blessed with a Dad who had travelled and loved the various cuisines he'd encountered. When I was a wee nipper, the biggest treat was to go for "Chinese Nosh" in Burnt Oak. There was a wonderful restaurant up on the High Street, proper old school. In about 1969, the New China Garden opened on Station Road. A short sequence in an episode of Budgie, starring Adam Faith was filmed there. As I loved the food and I loved Budgie, this seemed like the ultimate endorsement. I remember watching the scenes being filmed.

The New China Garden went througha  series of rebrandings. It was the Moon House, Wok Epress and Hee's takeaway. There may well have been others that I've forgotten. I was friendly with the family who ran it as the Moon House. I can't recall how many times I stopped off on the way home from work, after a few pints, for a takeaway. I'd have a spring roll (the old schoool one with beansprouts), Kung Po Prawns and special fried rice. I'd have a chat with the family and I was really sad when they left. About 5 years ago, I met the former owner, working as a waiter in another restaurant. He came over and we had a good chat. The food was proper old school. In truth I much prefer that to the more fancy version you get in more expensive establishments, although I must say Mill Hill's Good Earth is superb. 

Even better though, and something that always makes me smile, was the banter I'd have with the other drunks who got off Thameslink at Mill Hill, and stopped off for some sustainance. There was a litte community who'd gather shortly before they shut. We'd have great banter. Jokes about crispy duck and greasy prawn balls! These days we get our takeaways from Tangs at Apex Corner. I suspect that per sqare foot, it is the busiest food outlet in Mill Hill, maybe the whole of London, they re incredibly busy and rightly so. The problem is that its a bit of a shlep when you get off the train, so I eat a lot less of it!

Whenever people start to go off on one about immigrants, I think of restaurants like the Moon House, the Mill Hill Tandoori, etc. I think how dull London would be without all of the various communities. I love Chinatown and the restaurants there, much as I also love Brick Lane and the Indian restaurants around London. My wife always used to berate me when I turned up with a Chinese, usually worse for wear after a night out. She'd point out that it was not exactly health food. For me, the Chinese takeaways on the corners of our High Streets are part of the absolute fabric of my London. Sadly, they are disappearing. I really wanted to write a love song to them. An American friend pointed out "you can get excellent chinese food in the USA". This is true, but it aint the same as London takeaways. I don't know if it is the air in the UK, the ingredients or the fact that they have tweaked it perfectly for us philistine Brits, but there is nothing better!

Chinese Nosh

I loved the China garden down on Station road
With Spare ribs, spring rolls and orange gunk that glowed
When I was skint I’d have the Chinese chips
Served by the guvnors daughter, with the luscious red lips
I asked a girl called Penny if she fancied Crispy Duck
But she said I’m not a cockney mate, your well out of luck
Tracy was quite partial to some greasy prawn balls
But she said she be unhappy if the portion was too small
 
Chorus
What I really want is some Chinese nosh
But the Missus won’t let me, she doesn’t think it’s posh
She makes me get Sushi or a tiny Kinoir pot
Which is green and horrible and tastes like snot
 
Middle eight
Don’t lie to me, you’re getting hungry, You can’t fool me, I know what you want
Six pints of lager and some silver containers, You’ll be in  heaven quicker than you want
 
Verse 2
My honey says “Darling lets get a take away”,
But her idea of food, is horrible and grey
It tastes like cardboard and it doesn’t make you full
But you know we have to eat “whats good for you”
I love nice chow mein with some hot curry sauce
Salt and pepper squid And Kung Po pork
But the Doctor Gone and told me I’ll have an heart attack
Cos I put on forty kilos since I gave up smack
 
Chorus
What I really want is some Chinese nosh
But the Missus won’t let me, she doesn’t think it’s posh
She makes me get Sushi or a Kinoir pot
Which is green and horrible and tastes like snot
 
Coda
 
Healthy living is just a big lie
Life just seems longer till you die
What I really want is some nice junk food
But the missus says no, cos you know its killing you

Saturday, 27 June 2026

7 Day countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - Please myself

In exactly one week from now (I am writing this on the stroke of mid day), The False Dots will be launching our brand new album "We don't live in America" live on stage at the Jester Festival in Fortune Green. When I initially started writing the album, I very much envisaged a different album. My original concept was an album with a real Northern Soul vibe. However, as it developed and I wrote songs, it became clear that this wasn't to be. Our trumpet player Tom Hammond was a big part of this change of direction, which is ironic, because I recruited him specifically for the purposes of giving us a more Northern soul feel. But when Tom heard some of the old, legacy material, he loved it. Much of it doesn't really suit my voice, which is why we don't do a lot of it. 

One of the songs that Tom heard and really liked was "Please myself", which was written by our old singer Allen Ashley. Allen is a brilliant writer and poet. His lyrical style is mostly what I'd consider classic romantic, with a dollop of bitter lemon to give it a twist. But "Please myself" is a diatribe, a real two fingers up at the rise of social media and the billionaires who make fortunes by sucking us into the platforms then bombarding us with ads for rubbish we don't want. We played it and Tom loved it. The song had been the centrepiece of the set when Allen was in the band. It is a huge part of our musical legacy and it fits the theme and style of the album perfectly. We do a different arrangement and play it in a different key from when Allen was in the band, but it works perfectly and is a rich nod to the bands past.

Please myself
 
Four bar intro then  stop

All you trolls and haters, with your messages and spam
You won’t say things to our faces, coz your only half a man
All you commentators, trying to set the news
Have you heard the latest, no one’s listening to you
 
Chorus

We don’t need your adulation, we are just our own creation
You won’t find us in the mainstream we’ve been hived off to the slipstream
We’ve been struck off all your playlists whilst running from the bailiffs
I may be hard of hearing,  but I’ve never heard you cheering
But I did the whole thing just to please myself
STOP -  Please myself
 
All you spinning doctors, with your data and your claims
Spinning words to fit your meaning making language just a game
All you corporations turning workers into clones
Writing algorithmic profiles set to fill the sky with drones
 
CH

Smily Dick and Jesus Rabbit,
you’ve got one chance you’d better grab it
Or you’ll never kick the habit
 of trashing things you couldn’t dream of
 
Breakdown riff
achieving
I’ve stopped watching programs, I won’t vote by phone
Catch us in the margins making shows up of our own
All you fashionistas on your Sponsored chatty shows
Brashly lacking substance just the emperors new clothes
CH

Friday, 26 June 2026

8 Days Countdown to the release of We don't live in America by The False Dots - Electric Ballroom

 

It's only eight days to go! Are you getting excited, we are. The False Dots new album, We don't live in America is released on Saturday 4th July. I am doing a countdown on the blog to this momentous occasion. I doubt any album on the planet has been so long in gestation! Although this is not our first album, it contains two tracks from the very earliest days of the band, albiet radically different arrangements etc. 

Today we look at track 3 on the album. This in some ways is the most interesting of all in how it came together. On Thursday December 28th 1978, The Fall played at The Electric Ballroom with the Monochrome Set and Subway Sect. As The Fall were one of my favourite bands, as were Monochrome Set, it was a big highlight of the year. Myself and a school mate, Pete Conway, had got into punk music and were excited to go. Pete was working as a butcher at Dewhursts, and I was at Orange Hill School. I was sixteen years old, although I felt a lot older, as we'd been going to gigs for well over a year. I was quite tall, so I never had any trouble buying beers. No one asked for ID. As was our way, we had a few beers before the gig in Camden. The gig was notable, as we got chatting to Dave Edwards and Mandy Spokes at the gig. Dave would become our drummer and Mandy our singer/guitarist at our first rehearsal on Feb 14th 1979!

At some point, long before The Fall came on, myself and Pete became separated. This was not unusual. We had different mates and we often got up to all manner of shenanigans. Usually, we'd meet up at the end and get the last tube home. On this occasion Pete had completely disappeared. Next time we met up, Pete told me a tale of woe. He'd drunk too much, maybe taken something he shouldn't have. He'd woken up at 4am in the morning in the Ladies loo. All the lights were off and he didn't know where he was or what was going on. He stumbled out, and found his lighter. As soon as he had light, he saw a gentleman who looked like he wanted to kill him staring at him. In a panic, he punched the man, only for there to be a terrible crash. He'd smashed a mirror. Realising what was happening, he emerged into a dark, empty, locked venue. Eventually he found a fire escape and let himself out. He said an alarm then went off, so he scarpered.

A year later, we had been through one line up of the band. We chucked out all of the old songs and decided to write a new set. Pete presented a song called Reality Ballroom. It was a rather left field look at his experience. I loved the chord sequence, the breaks and the vibe. However I felt that Pete, as he sometimes did, went a bit off on one. There were lines about Vietnam killing its own race, for instance. But there was a line I loved "The mirrors smash dissolve the vein". I didn't tell Pete at the time, but I thought it was overly pretentious and missed the mark. By Xmas 1980, Pete had left the band.

I rewrote the lyrics. I got rid of all the waffle and focussed it on the events at the gig. I then added a third verse. This was based on a different event. Diingwalls used to have a "half price drinks before 10pm" policy. We went to see someone there, and I had six pints of cider and started to feel ill. I left early and got the Northern Line. I fell asleep on the train and woke at Edgware. As soon as I woke up, I realised I had to throw up. I ran up the stairs and around the corner to the alley that runs beside the sidings. I was just about to throw up when three large, aggressive skinheads approached me. I suggested this was a bad idea, but one grabbed me by lapels of my jacket. Bad mistake, a large torrent of vomit covered him from head to toe. Oddly, he seemed to shrink before my eyes. The other two backed off. Having emptied the contents of my stomach, I felt much better and strolled off home. I looked back, to see him picking bits of regurgitated kebab off his  jacket. It seemed the logical end to the story. 

Last year, I was playing with ideas and decided to slow the song down, with the rewritten words. I asked Tom to sing it, as it had no trumpet on. Tom loved the idea and has brought a whole new dimension. Fans at gigs have taken to holding up lights/lighters during the song. Although the lyrics are 90% changed and the arrangement is different, I still feel it is Pete's song. I am no longer in touch with him, but if he ever hears it I hope he likes it.

Electric Ballroom

I went to see The Fall at Electric Ballroom
Only sixteen so we had to bribe the doorman
Hit the cider, hit the lager
Mate gave me something a little bit harder
Started feeling dizzy so ran to the bog
Sat in the traps went out like a log
None of the staff heard me snoring
Woke up in the dark at 4 in the morning

--Chorus 1
Down at The Electric Ballroom Down at the Electric Ballroom
Full of panic where am I ?
Am I alive did I die
At the Electric Ballroom
--
Couldn’t see at thing needed some light
Sparked up a match and got a nasty fright
Horrible Ghoul staring at me
Whats that monster who could it be?
Saw an evil glare in his Eye
Knew straight away wanted me to die
Smacked him in the face oh what pain
The mirror smashed dissolved my vein
--
CH 1
--
Found an exit started an alarm
Blood was running down my arm
Had to walk as I’d missed the bus
Ran right into a terrible fuss
4 Skins grabbed me to give me a slap
I tried to tell them to cut that crap
You’ve made a mistake leave me alone
Covered them in vomit and strolled off home
--
--Chorus 2
Down at The Electric Ballroom Down at the Electric Ballroom
A shower of sick made them shrink
Ruined their clothes made them stink
By the Electric Ballroom
@falsedotsrog 8 Days to go until the launch of The False Dots new album, we don’t live in America! Today the spotlight is on Tom Hammond who sings the classic Electric Ballroom! A tale of woe from 1978! ##postpunk##newwave##electricballroom##camdentown ♬ original sound - The False Dots

 

Here's a quick sneak preview