The Sunday Reflection #96 - What more could I want

 I found a teapot this morning, I rubbed it and a genie came out. It granted me three wishes. But he cautioned me. He said "If you ask for an end to all wars, then I'd have to wipe the human race off the planet, and if you ask for all cancer to go away, nature will just make something even worse to fill the void". I said "So what youa re saying is just ask for something that doesn't change the world". He replied "Well you can, but the last bloke who asked for the German dictator Karl Heinz Muller to never have existed, because he'd crashed the economy and made his family penniless, found he'd got Hitler instead and his hometown was under Soviet control and his family had been killed in allied bombing". 

I sort of got the drift. What would I actually like.  Now if I'd been my Dad, I'd have asked for a million pounds straight off. He did the pools for years in the hope of getting the 8 draws and becoming rich. But I am pretty comfortably off and the more I see of very rich people, the more I dislike them. I thought "Maybe I'll ask for my plumbing to work like it did before I had my prostate removed". But his warning about what replaced Karl Heinz Muller troubled me.  The law of unintended consequences????

What could I possibly ask for that would not have some terrible unforseen effect? I thought "Well maybe if I asked for one small thing that would make me happy, one small thing that would make Clare happy and one small thing that would make the kids happy?". What would make me happy that couldn't possibly have a downside? Man Utd losing their opening game of the season? That might, but they may then sack their manager and get someone better? What might make Clare happy, that a genie could give her? What would the kids like? Gosh this was getting really hard. 

And then, Clare woke me up with a cup of tea. Oddly, I realised that what I wanted most right then was a cup of tea because I was thirsty? I was quite discombobulated. Had I wasted an ideal opportunity? Maybe I should have just asked for the winning lottery numbers. Money can't solve all your problems, but it as I am now 64, time is running out and it might give me the chance to do something that I can't otherwise. 

Today I am doing a gig to celebrate The False Dots new album and my 64th birthday. What I'd really like is for lots of people I like to turn up and for us all to have a great afternoon. My wife and kids are coming, so that would make them happy as well. I'd have asked the genie along as well if I'd not been woken up.

When it comes down to it if your family are healthy and love you, you have good friends, enough food and enough to drink and a bit extra to go out and have a few holidays then you don't need too much else really, do you?

Birthday Special Saturday List #506 - My Top ten guilty pleasure tracks, that I can only admit to now I am 64!

 When I started The False Dots, I was very worried that if I said I liked the wrong sort of music, I'd become a victim of ridicule. This was not unfounded. As the youngest of six kids, my siblings relentlessly teased me at every opportunity. One of the reasons I didn't talk until I was four was that I knew exactly what would happen if I did. I would be mercilessly lampooned and humiliated.

Well I have decided it is high time I fought back! For my 64th Birthday, here is my special guilty pleasures playlist. I loved all of these songs, but as a teenager, I'd rather die than admit it. Here's the list and here's why.

1. How much is that doggie in the window. I loved this song when I was little. I have always loved dogs and this really hit the spot. When I became a teenager and self conscious, my sisters would tell my mates this was my favourite song, just to humiliate me.

2. Happy Talk by Captain Sensible. The Damned were one of my favourite bands. When the Captain did this on TOTP and my Dad said he loved it, I felt like the world had ended. But its great and it's a lot of fun. I should have bought it, but didn't.

3. The Last Waltz by Engelbert Humperdink. This may have been the first single I bought. I was always Engelbert rather than Tom Jones. It's a belting tune. I recall when I was about 18, coming home to find my Mum and Dad with this on the turntable having a smoochy dance. I guess I ruined the moment for them, but it is the image I most love of them. I'd never have admitted to liking it though.

4. Swinging on a star by Bing Crosby. I wanted the Pinky and Perky version of this, but it ain't on Spotify. I loved Pinky and Perky and it was my favourite song. My sisters used to really enthusiastically sing along to it, when it was played. I didn't even realise that Bing Crosby did it until I started going out with Clare. My father in law loved this.

5. Aquamarina - The theme from Stingray. I was tiny when Stingray first came out. This was the theme tune. As much as a a four year old can, found this song quite sexy and exciting. I always felt strange feelings listening to it. It is only now that I can admit that though. As a general note, all of the theme tunes to Gerry Anderson TV shows were amazing. 

6. Donald where's your troosers by Andy Stewart. I have Tony Gleed to thank for reminding me of this and inspiring the list. I loved this song. When I was a kid this seemed rather naughty and risque. The idea that Scotsmen wore kilts with no underpants was something that was very strange. I was disappointed when I made it up to Scotland in 1979 and no one was wearing one. This is a great song, but not one a punk rocker would admit to liking.

7. Top Cat. The theme tune. This is a banging tune. Of all the various American cartoons, Top Cat is my favourite (a close toss up with Tom and Jerry). I love the urban decay and the daily battles the cats have and their incredible resilience. Top Cat may actually have been the first TV character to embody a punk rock ethos, although it took a long time for the penny to drop.

8. The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Books. This is my favourite Disney film ever. The songs are banging. I loved Balou the bear. I wish I had his carefree attitude to life.  I am not sure if this is the best song or it is ...

9. I wanna be like you from The Jungle Book. Again, a cracking track. "I'm the King of the Swingers, The Jungle VIP". What a line. I cannot really understand why loving these two tracks was so embarrassing, I think they are pretty punk rock at heart.

10. Oh what a beautiful morning!  One of my Dad's favourite songs. I used to love it as a kid, then I decided that it was horribly uncool. Now when I hear it, I think of Dad belting it out in the kitchen on a Sunny Sunday morning. What is not to love!

What are your guilty pleasures? One of the differences I noticed on the recent Stag weekend is that the current bunch of teenagers seem far less obsessed with being cool than we were. One of the early False Dots songs had a chorus which went "We live in a society, we kid ourselves is free, but when we look down deep inside, were prisoners of you and me". The biggest irony was that when I wrote that I was a prisoner of my own musical prejudices. 

Here is the playlist. If it doesn't make you smile, then you are a right miserable sod, just like I was at sixteen!

I thought I'd add a little video for you. This is rather inspired by the songs above. I hope one day, someone says it's their guilty secret. 

 

And if you can make it down to the Dublin Castle tomorrow for our gig at the Dublin Castle (starts 2pm)

The False Dots next Gig

.

When I'm 64 - How did it come to this?

 If I want to sing a cover of The Beatles classic song "When I'm 64" I've about got about seven hours to do it, before it becomes an ironic rendition! The False Dots have a gig to celebrate my birthday on Sunday and I seriously considered doing a Ska version, but I have to say that I didn't really want to remind myself of the fact, so didn't suggest it to the boys. 

However, the song has been weighing heavily on my mind. I can recall back in April 1981, when my Dad was 64, he sang it to my Mum when he got up. It was a beautifully sunny Wednesday. Dad was in a good mood. He took the family out to La Katarina restaurant for a slap up steak dinner. I was 18 and at Orange Hill Senior High School preparing for my A Levels. Well actually I wasn't. If truth be told, I was preparing my band, The False Dots, to play the biggest ever gig on the Saturday. We were playing with a band called Way of The West, who had the Radio 1 single of the week, with a track called "Don't say its just for white boys". Dad was cross with me because I'd arranged a rehearsal and told him I couldn't go. We had a blazing row about it. He told me that his birthday was more important than my 'silly band'. I reacted badly, and was accused of ruining his birthday. He hadn't told me he was taking everyone out. His view was that I should have set the time aside, but often he just went with my sister, who shared the birthday. 

When I got back from school, I was expecting another row. However my Mum had intervened and told him that he should have told me of his plans and that he should realised I took the band seriously and the gig was important. Mum then gave me a fiver and told me to go down and buy him a bottle of Johnny Walker black label for his birthday. She also said "Make sure you come back after your rehearsal and give it to him". We usually sat up till 3am drinking tea and smoking combustable substances after rehearsals at our studios, but I told the boys that it was Dad's birthday and I'd have to go home after we finished. Several of my mates decided that they'd come along and wish him Happy Birthday. My folks were quite tolerant of my mates, so this wasn't quite as odd as it may sound. 

Dad on his 64th Birthday

Anyway at around 10pm, myself and about three mates entered. The scene was quite amusing. Dad liked to enjoy himself and had clearly been having a few. Mum was on her 6th pint of Guinness, as was her want (yes really). My sister was also rather tipsy and as I recall her then boyfriend was tucking into the scotches. Most of my mates didn't sit around boozing with their parents, so they were a bit bemused. 

What was even more surreal as about half an hour later another mate turned up, as he'd heard we were having  booze up at my place. He turned up with a couple of beers, not realising he was crashing a family do. It all added to the jolity of the evening. My Dad actually liked my mates. He's been in the army and airforce and new what young blokes were like. Being an Aussie, he was hospitable and liked the craic. 

The next morning, he had a lie in and I didn't see him before I went to school. When I did see him, he also thanked me for bringing my mates around for an impromptu party. That was just how he was. 

At the time,, 64 seemed impossibly old to me. Dad was sill smoking like a chimney and would have a drink every night, usually a couple of pints of Guinness and  Whisky. He'd go to the Mill Hill Services Club on a Thursday night to play snooker. On a Sunday in the summer, he'd watch the John Player League cricket and give us a running commentary. I didn't appreciate how lucky I was to have a Dad who loved a craic and wouldn't get the hump if his errant son turned up with a load of mates to drink all his booze on his birthday. Dad actually told me off for not saying that people were coming, as he'd have got more booze in.

And now, here I am. Now its me who has kids turning up with their mates. I am the dinosaur now. I often try and judge myself against my Dad. I have adopted most of his outlook to life. His view was always that he'd live it to the full and when I wrote the False Dots anthem "We all love a party" it was very much dedicated to him. He lived another five years. In many ways I am very different to my Dad, but like a stick of Rock, I think when it comes down to it we are exactly the same. Risk takers who love a craic. 

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning as I shaved. A little voice in my head, that sounded rather like my Dad, said in a thick Australian accent "Don't worry son, you've done alright, enjoy your birthday weekend and have a Guinness for me at the club". Which is exactly what I intend to do now. How did it all come to this? He'd be 109 if he was still around. I'll miss the mad old nutcase until the day I die. 

Friday Fun and local music round up - Friday 21st August 2026

 As is the tradition in Barnet blogs, we start with a Friday joke and as we often do, we've picked a cracker from our mate Robert Wilkinson, purveyor of fine Dad jokes!

When I was a doctor, a patient asked if she could take her tablets with diarrhoea.

I said water was probably best.

— Robert Wilkinson (@robertwlk) August 16, 2026

And on to the local music news and gig round up. 

On Sunday I'll be celebrating my birthday at The Dublin Castle between 2-5pm

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The False Dots (@thefalsedots)

There will be two great bands on with us, Little Rock and Niall Logue - Niall is launching his new album, check it out. Click here for more details https://wegottickets.com/f/22613#

Friday 21st

The Bluesbrokers (Blues Rock, 4 piece) at Butchers Arms, Barnet

Our debut at The Butchers Arms

Live music details for this gig on Lemonrock

9pm - 11.45pm

Barrington Bar 8.30 pm - midnight Karaoke with Neil

Ye Olde Monken Holt 9pm – 11.50pm - DJ The Real Slim Sadie (Disco) 

Saturday 22nd

Lord Algae (Rock Covers, 3 piece) at The Three Wishes, Edgware 4.5 miles

Live music details for this gig on Lemonrock

9pm - 11.30pm

East Barnet RB Legion 8.30pm – 11.30pm £2 non members - Cruisin Mooses (Blues/rock/soul)

Ye Olde Monken Holt 9pm – 11.30pm - Nially (acoustic)

The Arkley Club 8.30pm – 11.30pm £5 cash on door - The Flying Foxes (Covers 60s – present)

Toolans 9pm – 11.30pm - Beyond Retro

Maddens 9pm -11.30pm - The Bear Pit Band (Rock Covers)

The Lord Kitchener 8.30pm – 11.30pm - Karaoke with Johno

Sunday 23rd

Paul's Butchers Arms Jam (Rock and/or Blues and/or Pop) at Butchers Arms, Barnet

The Longest-Running Jam Night in HIGH BARNET.. Every Sunday, from 8:30pm. Electric based rock/blues jam night - we encourage all performers to jam with other musicians. Full backline, but amps...

Live music details for this gig on Lemonrock

8.30pm - 11.30pm

New Barnet Allotment Day, Tudor Park, 12pm – 4pm £1 entry - Amy and the Bar Studs

The Kings Head 2pm- 4pm - Killer Queen tribute, Kate Sanders

Ye Olde Monken Holt 7pm – 9pm - James Or

Toolans 8.30pm – 11.30pm - Barry Owen

Monday 24th

Jan's North London Jam at The Three Wishes, Edgware 4.5 miles

Live music details for this gig on Lemonrock

9pm - 11pm

Ye Olde Mitre Inn, High Street 8pm – 11pm (stables room) - Barnet Acoustics Session

Wednesday 26th

Toolans 5pm – 8pm - Two in Accord

Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 11pm - Open Mic Night

Thursday 27th

Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 10.30pm - Irish Session

Friday 28th

Butchers Arms 9pm – 11.30pm - The Past Unperfect (Country/blues)

The Lord Kitchener 8.30pm – late - One Man Stand

Barrington Bar 8.30 pm - midnight - Karaoke with Johno

Exam results day - the only degree I've ever got is the third degree!

 Today is the day when millions of students get their GSCE exam results. For some, it will be a life defining day. Restaurants will be full of families celebrating and bedrooms will be full of children crying. It is fair to say that I massively underachieved. There were mitigations. I was an undiagnosed dyslexic which practically means I read at about 2/3rds the speed that people with a non dyslexic brain do. In a timed exam situation, that was a massive disadvantage. I have heard ignorant people saying that it is unfair on 'normal kids' for dyslexics etc to have more time. I think that is ridiculous. In fact I think the concept of timed exams is ridiculous full stop. Exams are meant to be a test of intelligence. In truth, they are more a test of ability to cope with pressure and stress. As I was undiagnosed, when I did things like English exams, I could never understand why everyone finished before me. I'd score higher in the questions I answered, but not complete papers. I got nine O Levels eventually. Of those, seven were grade C and 2 were grade B. The grade B's were in decoration and design and RE. When I learned I was dyslexic and that people now get longer, I do wonder what I'd get now? But it was what it was. Although nine sounds impressive, that was in two attempts. 

I wanted to go to University at the time. Not because I was interested in the topic, but because I wanted the Uni social life. My sister Caroline went to Westfield college and had a blast. They had a cheap bar with bands on. I now recognise that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. When I got appalling A level results, I was not upset. I went out with some mates to watch a gig at Dingwalls, met a Swedish girl and invited myself to Stockholm for six months. It was the best thing I ever did. Having lived in another country, not in an expat environment, I realised that the UK is not the centre of the world for most of its population. They view us as a bit of an oddity. The Swedes thought us incredibly socially backward. The most terrible thing was that after being there for a couple of months and getting to understand how their society worked, I realised that they were right. 

You may wonder what particularly I saw. Firstly they had a grown up attitude to sex and sex education. Girls were taught rather useful things such as "boys can become very unpredictable when they get sexually activated". They were properly taught about contraception, STD's and also about the anatomy and process of sex. This did not make them promiscuous, it made them well equipped to make good decisions. There was no social stigma around girls taking condoms on a night out. The attitude was practical and pragmatic. If a guy wants sex and you are not taking the pill, make him put a condom on. 

I recall sex education lessons at FCHS, which was a Catholic school. We were told almost nothing. Condoms were banned by the Church. so we were told that contraception was evil. It was quite ridiculous. I was given the third degree by the headmaster for handing out leaflets about contraception in a religious debate about the subject. 

My headmaster at FCHS informed me that I would never amount to anything. He told me that people with my attitude end up sleeping in the gutter. You may think that would be devastating, I took it in my stride, because I thought he was an idiot. Now I am coming up to my 64th birthday, I can honestly say that he was wrong. Of course it may all go wrong now, we can't see the future, but I have achieved all of the things I wanted in life. If I dropped dead tomorrow and my life flashed before my eyes, I'd see three kids who are wonderful and have done well. I'd see a 31 year marriage, I'd see a world famous music studio built from nothing. I'd see a band that had been heard by millions of people and done numerous well received gigs. I'd see financial security for the family. I'd see a blog that has had over eleven and a half million views. To quote Frank Sinatra "regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention".

So that day, back in 1978, when I went up to get my results and had the shock of seeing my failure written large on the wall, was nothing more than a temporary setback. If your children do not get the grades they wanted, it is not the end, it just means that they are taking a different fork in the road to the one you wanted. Who knows. It may lead to The Promised Land and the one you wanted for them, may have just been to a life of miserable drudgery, living someone else's dream.

Why not come and celebrate my birthday with me on Sunday. If you do, please stop and have a chat. Click on the image for more details.

The False Dots next Gig