Today is a massive day for The False Dots. We release our brand new single and video - Big Hairy Spider
We have made an amazing video to accompany the launch. The single tells the story of a terrible nightmare I had, many years ago, about a lovely girl who lived up my road. The song sat in my lyrics tin for over 46 years, because my former songwriting partner deemed it "stupid". However, the time is ripe for the world to hear it. I have always loved cartoons and so we decided to animate the video. The product is a mash up of Scooby Doo style animation, a Hammer Horror story with a splash of Benny Hill thrown in to an up beat Ska / punk tune. We think you will love it! Have a look.
The False Dots are on a mission to entertain and have fun. If we can put a smile on your face, we will.
The band are officially launching the single today at London's finest grassroots music venue (Sunday 15th March), the Dublin Castle. Why not come along - Full Details Here.
You can hear the single on Spotify here.
Please support artists and musicians. If you like this, tell your friends about it!
In everyone's life there are key moments when your life changes forever. Nothing is ever the same again. This week has been a difficult and stressful one for me. It has made me reflect on my life and the key moments when it changed. I thought that warranted a list.
1970 - My Mum diagnosed with stomach cancer. Up until that moment, everything had been fine and dandy. Then it wasn't. I've written about this before, but everything changed. I had been working as a child model/actor. I was frequently on telly and I didn't have to go to school when the shoots were taking place. Mum told me she was too ill to continue and that was that. She eventually recovered, but I believe I suffered PTSD watching her struggle. Dad had been told she would live no more than three years. He broke down and told me this. I was eight. Seeing her looking half dead, on a drip in hospital is the most traumatic moment of my life. Most of the pictures of me before that had me smiling. After that, most don't.
1977 - Seeing The Ramones at The Roundhouse. I was fourteen and truly lost. Then my sister took me to see the Ramones. I realised what I wanted to do in my life. I wanted to make the same noise the Ramones made. I found my tribe. The idea of what my life would have been like without that moment is unthinkable.
1980 - The False Dots first gig. It took us a year and a half to get it together. Our singer didn't turn up. We rented a Church Hall and got two other bands to play with us. Until that point I knew what I wanted, but I had no idea if it was feasable. Playing that gig made me realise that anything is possible, if you really want it and work hard. But most of all, I learned that you need people in your life you can rely on.
1983 - SPL International. I was stone broke, I had been working as a painter and decorator, but the work had dried up. I had a girlfriend and I wanted to live with her. I realised that I needed a steady job, where there was regular money, until the band got a record deal and we all became rich. I did a government sponsored TOPS course in Computer Operations. It was a ten week course, and I was told there was a guarantee of a job at the end. The course operators, Compucentres promised that they would fix us all up with three interviews as part of the deal. The first two interviews were a disaster. The first one was at an insurance company and it was horrible. The second was for an oil company and the manager was someone I was at FCHS with who hated me (what are the chances). I had almost given up, when I was sent for the third one. It was at one of Britains top software companies. They sent the two cleverest people with me. I was third up. I just assumed I'd fail. The manager I had to see looked and sounded like King George V. He seemed flustered. I had been told to not talk about my music or travel. I sat down and he seemed like the whole thing was a terrible chore. I just assumed that I had already failed. I noticed a poster for Svenska Handelsbanken (A Swedish bank) on his wall. I asked why and he said "We supply them with software". I said "That's funny I have an account with them". He was intrigued, as they didn't operate in the UK. I explained that I'd lived in Stockholm for six months. He asked why, I explained I had a Swedish girlfriend and my band had played there. I realised that I'd broken the golden rule and spoken about music and travel. The boss then relaxed and we chatted for about 30 minutes about life, the universe and everything. I thought "What a nice bloke, humouring me". Eventually I went back to Compucentres, expecting to be told I was a useless failure. Haf and hour after I arrived, Iw as summoned to the office. They said "They want you start this Friday". I was gobsmacked. The money was great, the job was great. I'd done everything wrong, but somehow got the job. I became friends with the boss, the wonderful Peter Sutherby. He told me that the other guys had no personality. He said that anyone with the get up and go to move to Stockholm to be with a girl when they were 18 is just the sort of person he wanted in the company. I worked in various roles, mostly freelance, in IT, on and off until 2017.
1985. Meeting Clare. The False Dots did an Xmas gig at the Three Hammers Pub in Mill Hill. There was a very attractive young lady there, who I fancied the pants off. We got together and have been together ever since (apart from a break of a year in 1992, when we realised that life was better together). We have three kids and two dogs and life is good.
1987. My Dad died. He died suddenly, aged 69. I had assumed he was invincible and immortal. Three months before he died, he told me something that I had completely discounted. He said that when he was being shot down in 1944 over Romania, his plane was on fire and he realised it was going to crash. He told me he'd said a prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for his allotted "three score and ten years". He bailed out and survived. He told me that he was now in his three score and tenth year. He told me that he believed his candle had burned down. He was shortly to go to Florida and he told me he was going to have a real crack, as it may be his last holiday. I told him not to be ridiculous. I never saw him again. The shock still lives with me. I feel him with me in difficult times. Sometimes, I ask him for advice, a voice pops into my head, usually with some outrageous advice such as "Well I'd smack him in the face". It always makes me laugh. God bless you Dad.
1995. Kids. My eldest daughter was born in 1995. My kids are the best thing in my life (although they say they believe the dogs are). I am proud of all of them. I really am a lousy parent, but they seem to like me. As I mentioned in my 1980 lesson. Have good people you can trust around you. I have.
2011. Cancer. My constant friend and companion, the devil on my shoulder. It took me a long time to recognise this, but for me, cancer has become a positive force in my life. It devastated me and still does. However, I refuse to give in to negativity. I took a positive decision to accept that my life would change. It made me re-evaluate everything. It made me appreciate what I have, work harder for what I want and do the things today that I would have put off until tomorrow. You simply never know in life. I hadn't appreciated this. It has made me love and embrace life. I am lucky, my cancer was diagnosed early. I have had the opportunity to deal with it. Not everyone has the opportunity to get something positive from the experience. That is why I am a passionate advocate of getting tested if you have a family history of breast or prostate cancer in the family.
I must add, I believe that God gave me certain gifts. I believe I have to put them to work in a positive way. I am not advocating religion or a system of belief. I am simply stating that for me, I have come to realise that my gifts are that I can write a blog which people read, I play in a band that people enjoy and I can keep calm and cool when other people lose their minds. I believe that I use my gifts for good. A band won't change or save your life, but it might just put a smile on your face. If we can make someone happy for just a little while, that is enough. As for my blog. If people enjoy it, that is great. If they learn something that makes their life even better. If they have a test for prostate cancer and it saves their life, that is just perfect. I can do no more. I realised that all of the above moments have shaped and moulded me. I am an optimist. I believe the best is to come. Stay calm. The choppy waters we are going through in the world will pass and sanity will resume. In the meantime, why not come along watch The False Dots tomorrow, at The Dublin Castle, for our Matinee Show. It will be a great laugh and you may just forget your troubles for a few minutes. We are all entitled to some fun in our lives!
One other little thing. I was interviewed by The Camden New Journal this week, talking about the 50th anniversary of the founding of Rock Against Racism - You can read the article here - Camden New Journal - Forward to page 18.
And we'll start with the weekends big event (for me at least!). The False Dots are back at The Dublin Castle for a Sunday Matinee show (Details here). Support from local legends Those Naughty Lumps. More details here. Here is our promo video for the gig. We are launching our new single "Big Hairy Spider"
And here are the rest of the weeks gigs in the Borough of Barnet
One of the dark secrets of the music business is that there are some very dodgy people on the fringes, who are not necessarily in the business for the love of art! I've come across one or two on my journey. For a short period of time, a band was rehearsing at my studios and being managed by Charlie Kray. One of my friends was the drummer. Charlie was well connected within the business. The lead singer of the band had allegedly 'done time' with him. The band dissolved when the singer robbed an off licence in Edgware, supposedly getting beers for the band. He made the mistake of taking off his mask as he left the off licence and looking directly at the CCTV camera. By all accounts, Charlie was none to pleased. Before the incident, he had reached out to me and offered to 'put some money into the studios'. He was keen into get back into the music business, and told me that with some 'investment' we could do 'great things'. For me, it was a dilemma. I was assured it was all honest and legal. On the face of it, it looked like a good move, as he did have great contacts, but I wasn't really sure I wanted the studio to go in that direction. When the band ended, the interest ended as well. I was actually rather relieved as I couldn't think of a polite way to refuse, without rubbing him up the wrong way. We had a beer at the Three Hammers to discuss it, and he seemed like a nice bloke, full of stories about shenanigans in the music industry. He'd actually managed Deep Purple in the 1970's and so knew a hell of a lot about the industry. It was quite funny, because there were a few local villains at the pub, who recognised him and became a tad uneasy. One came down to 'have a word" a couple of days later. I explained that we were just having a beer as a band he was managing were using the studio. He seemed quite relieved.
There was another figure, who we'll call "Dave" who came actually managed The False Dots for a short while. He was pretty well known locally. He had a reputation as a man not to mess with. He'd survived being both stabbed and shot, and allegedly taken a terrible revenge. He'd worked for my Dad for a while when he was in his 20's as a panel beater at MacMetals, but had moved on to greater things. He sort of appointed himself as the manager of the band at one stage. He promised gigs, fame and money. As I recall, he got us one gig at Edgware Services club, playing with a girl from Hills Angels (Benny Hills dancers). It wasn't really my thing and that iteration of the band was not one I have fond memories of. Fortunately, him and the singer had insisted on a new name, so it is expunged from the history of The False Dots. His cunning plan was for us to play covers and gig every night. I was having a beer with him after one gig and he pulled out a gun and put it on the table. He explained that this was his insurance policy. He added "Never point a gun at a man's head. That will just kill him and six months later everyone will have forgotten all about them. Shoot their balls off, they will spend the next twenty years telling everyone what happens when they cross you. And the police won't do you for murder, as you can say it went off by accident and you were pointing it down". One of my band mates suggested that it was a replica and it was all bravado. They didn't really know him, I didn't learn guitar and join a band to play with guns. Like many such characters, you see the everywhere, then they disappear. Dave passed away about 25 years ago. He would often appear at the studio with "his new band", they'd have a few rehearsals, do a few gigs then disappear forever.
Another character we came across was a small time cocaine dealer, who ran a music venue in South London. He rather liked our band. He'd pay us well over the top and the gigs were always busy. He offered to manage us back in 1982. We were quite young and naïve and were impressed by the fact that we got good money, free beers and food. He organised a proper photo shoot of the band and many promises were made. Then we heard nothing. I went down to the pub, where he had been putting the nights on, they said he'd been arrested for dealing. I realised that the club was a front for his business and he was laundering his proceeds through the business. We turned up and did what we were paid to do, and entertained a packed pub.
One other very iffy character I recall used to frequent our gigs. He'd insist on buying the band drinks and tell us he was "working on something and it was going to be really good". Then he disappeared. About six months later, I got a telephone call from the Police. Who was I and how did I know the said individual. I explained that he'd hang about at the gigs and was always promising great things that never materialised. The Copper said "You were lucky mate", he then gave me his number and said "If he turns up, give me a bell. If you know where he is and you don't tell me, you will be in serious trouble". I asked what he'd done and was told that I didn't need to know. I never found out.
All of these characters were hanging around in our bands first incarnation, between 1979 and 1990. We were young and oblivious. Such characters turn up at the studio now, often on the coat tails of young artists. They are not so interested in The False Dots and our geriatric mates. What I now realise is that few of them really understand how the music industry works. Perhaps the funniest thing is that of all of these characters I met, the only one who really had a clue was Charlie Kray. He knew people and had managed proper acts. He told me that when he managed Deep Purple, for once his name worked against him. People were terrified to book the band. I always feel a little bit sorry for bands that are young and put their faith in dodgy chancers, who waste their time. I always advise bands that someone who knows what they are doing, will make sure the band has great demos and good pictures as a first step. In truth, if you've not got a good musical product, then you won't get anywhere, and if you have, it will become pretty clear, pretty quickly whether someone really does 'have the right connections'.
I am quite pleased that we are at a stage in our career, where we can put our own music out and are not too worried about 'making it'. Doing fun gigs and recording music we like is as good as life gets in my opinion. The False Dots next gig is on Sunday at The Dublin Castle (Click here for full details) from 1.30pm, see you there. Here is our trailer!
Your PSA has risen to 0.04 from 0.01. Please let us know if you have any symptoms of concern though it looks from your letters that you will be having follow up with your private urologist.
Best wishes
***** Medical Practice
I was a tad shocked to see this. It was not what I was expecting and most certainly not what I wanted to hear. I contacted my consultant, who replied
Mr Tichborne
Yes, we are due to discuss this next Monday, but your PSA remains well within the acceptable range of 0-0.2 ng/ml.
Best wishes
So where I'd been expecting a brisk two minutes, I realised it would be more nuanced (shall we say). On Monday, with a mild sense of dread, I joined the call ( consults are done on line these days for such follow ups). And so it transpired. Professor Eden explained that there a number of reasons that such a result can occur, and a recurrance of the cancer is not the most likely. However, it is a change and recommed that we increase the frequency of my follow up PSA tests from eveyr 6 months to every three months and chat again in June. He explained the more likely scenarios in some detail. Briefly some vessels can regenerate or partially regenerate, leading to a non cancer related PSA increase. But of course, it could also be cancer. It is at a very early stage if it is and whatever happens, there is no reason to panic.
Rather annoyingly, it coincided with one of my three non drinking days of the week. Of course Professer Eden is right. There is no reason to be concerned right now. It is afifth of the level where it is an issue. But.....
This journey has gone on for me since November 2011. I had hoped that surgery would have addressed the issue. Maybe it has, but I am now back in the swirling whirlpool of uncertainty. PSA tests every threee months, after a rise, means more anxiety. I will approach the next test, knowing that it has sharply increased, albeit to nowhere near a level of concern. I had been in a good frame of mind and now I am not. Much as I'd love to get off this particular carousel, it is not an option. I just have to wait and see. It occurred to me that Professor Eden's message of "don't panic" dropped the word "don't" as me brain processed it. There is absolutely nothing I can do except wait. In May, I'll have my next test. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. But.......
There is one aspect that, although it doesn't really make me feel full of joy right now, is worth noting. Just suppose that the worst case scenario is occurring. I know about it and it can be dealt with relatively early. Should that happen, I am sure it will not be pleasant, but I will still be in a better position than I would have been, if I'd not been diagnosed in 2011 and had the two rounds of treatment I've had.
So to sum up, I've been re-assurred by one of the best prostate cancer surgeons on the planet that there is nothing to worry about right now. Since then, all I have done is worried
If you're a bloke of a certain age and you haven't get yourself tested, especially if you are in a high risk category.
The real America? I grew up in awe of the USA. AS a kid, I loved the technology of the Apollo moonshots and NASA and I wanted to be American. I believed that America was the land of the free, the land of opportunity. The land where you went if you wanted a good life. When I was 14, I saw the Ramones. The face of New York nihilistic punk rock and I was smitten. The Ramones seemed out of kilter with my idealised view of the USA. It wasn't all sunshine and bubblegum. I was intrigued. I became obsessed with underground American music. On the recommendation of my eldest brother Laurie, I borrowed his copy of "Electric music for the mind and body", the debut album by West Coast psychedelic legends Country Joe and The Fish. It was an eye opener. The sharpness of Country Joes songwriting was impossible for me not to love. The album is an absolute classic. I was intrigued and went out and bought the second album "I feel like I'm fixing to die". The title track is an anti war anthem.
Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men
Uncle Sam needs your help again
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in Vietnam
So put down your books, pick up a gun
Gonna have a whole lot of fun
And it's 1, 2, 3
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn
Next stop is Vietnam
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates
Ah, ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die
Well come on generals let's move fast
Your big chance has come at last
Gotta go out, get those reds
The only good commie is the one that's dead
And you know that peace could only be won
When we've blown them all to kingdom come
And it's 1, 2, 3
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn
Next stop is Vietnam
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates
Ah, ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die
Well come on Wall Street don't move slow
Why man, this is war-a-go-go
There's plenty good money to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb
They drop it on the Viet Cong
And it's 1, 2, 3
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn
Next stop is Vietnam
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates
Ah, ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die
Well come on mothers throughout the land
Pack your boys off to Vietnam
Come on fathers don't hesitate
Send them off before it's too late
Be the first one on your block
To have your boy come home in a box
And it's 1, 2, 3
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn
Next stop is Vietnam
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates
Ah, ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die
Is there a better anti war song? Is there another one that covers all of the bases? I had the honour and privelige of seeing Country Joe several times in the 1980's. The one time which really stuck with me, was at Dingwalls in the middle of the Falklands war. Joe gave a short lecture on why war was a bad thing. A heckler launched a tirade about him being a commie. Joe calmly responded that he'd been in Korea with the US army and seen the futility of it all. He also pointed out the money he'd raised for veterans causes, when the government was not interested. Of all the artists I've seen and I've seen a lot, none had the moral integrity of Joe.
He was an old man and he had Parkinsons, so it is not the tragedy of a young mans passing. But the world and the USA in particular needs more Country Joe McDonalds. A decent man. A man of courage and principle. I am glad I saw him. There are a few songs that I wish I was talented enough to write. The fish cheer is very near the top. The False Dots Action Shock was my attempt to do a song in that style, thank you for the inspiration Joe.
"If we abolished all religions, there would be no more wars". I've heard this said many times. It is one of the biggest lies of all. Take the current conflict in Iran. On the face of it, it is primarily a clash between Judaism and Islam, isn't it? No it isn't. Jews and Muslims lived side by side in the Middle East for a thousand years with no real problems. Islam recognises Judaism as a religion of the book. The reason that we have a conflict and the Americans have got involved is because some of the worlds largest oil deposits are in the Middle East. There are far worse regimes in the world than the Iranian one. I am not stupid enough to think that the current Iranian regime are good guys and I shed no tears for their leader when he was blown to bits. But ultimately the reason that there is a conflict is because of the wealth of natural resources in Iran and also their strategic location in the gulf, where much of the worlds shipping passes through. I understand the US not wishing Iran to have nuclear weapons. I suspect that if North Korea didn't already possess them, they might be being bombed as well. Wars start because of the strategic interests of the warring nations. Nazi Germany started WW2 to secure resources. Hitler believed that the USSR had oil and land that he believed would make Germany a Superpower. His problem was that GReat Britain and France wouldn't accept his invasion of Poland. When he believed they were beaten, he attacked the USSR. In short, it was not about religion. Until nations don't have strategic interests, we will have wars.
So does that mean that I think organised Religion is a wonderful thing? No actually I don't. I do attend church and I do believe. I do however have massive reservations about the way our religious organisations conduct their business. I find it vaguely amusing listening to the various readings from the Bible, where the words totally contradict the behaviour of the organisation that are hosting the services. For me, this isn't an issue that affects my system of belief. It is, in my opinion, just the way human beings are. Of the human race, about 5% of us are simply obsessed with power and control. Most people just want a quiet, peaceful and happy life. But the 5% want to run the show, have the trappings of wealth and push other people around. Some go into politics, some become Headmasters at schools, some become Police and Judges, some become Bishops, Rabbis and Mullahs. Just to clarify, I think most people who do those things are not power mad lunatics and do a great job. But all of those things are attractive to people who want to possess some sort of power.
The problem for me with religion, which sets it apart from the rest of the list is that in Religions, there is no proper oversight. There is no HR department overseeing Bishops etc and sacking them when they cover up child abuse and other criminal activities.
Last night, I went to see my wifes band play at a lovely Church near Paddington. My eyes were drawn to a statue of a Bishop. I am sure he was a very fine Bishop. He was depicted in a glorous purple robe, with gold brading. His outfit was fabulous. He was holding a cross in front of him. I then looked at the image of Jesus, in a simple robe, on the cross. Jesus is never depicted in fine robes of purple and gold. As the utimate head of the Church, you'd think Bishops may be tempted to follow his example and not 'bling up'. But that doesn't really seem to be how such things work.
What draws me to my faith is the fundamental message of non violence, caring for those less well off and trying to do the right thing. It took me a very long time to see past the problems with the organisation.
I am not ashamed to say that I am and always have been a lover of TV cartoons. If I could draw and was clever, I may well have been an animator. My nephew, Chris Tichborne is a BAFTA winning animator. I don't know whether it was an influence on him or not, but when he was a kid, I'd always encourage him to read comics, watch cartoons and be artistic. When he was at Uni studying 3D animation at Uni he lived at my house for a while. Whilst some may see creative industries as not a proper job, I've always recognised the importance of such industries. If you have a real talent and you are prepared to work hard, then like Chris you will get on. With the advent of AI, talentless plebs like me can make our own animated videos. Whilst Chris's forte is stop motion animation, I have always been fascinated by the classic cartoons of Hanna-Barbara and the like.
AI is a subject which fascinates me. I decided to bite the bullet, sign up for a sophisticated AI tool and use it to make a video for my band The False Dots new single.. The single is called Big Hairy Spider. It is based on a terrible nightmare I had when I was sixteen, about a rather luscious beauty who lived up the road from us. I had been reading horror comics and it morphed into a nightmare dream. I wrote the song, but my then bandmate and song writing partner deemed it "too stupid and pathetic for the False Dots". It say in the unused lyrics tin until recently. It suits the current incarnation of the band rather well. It also lent itself to being transformed into a 60's style TV cartoon. Now you will have to wait until next Sunday to see it, as that is the official launch, but I had a few credits left in the AI app, so I made a trailer for our next gig (Next Sunday at the Dublin Castle, click for details), which you can see here!
Who knows, as I approach 64, maybe a new career beckons (although I doubt it).
2. Surgeon.
This will probably make you laugh. When I was at school, I didn't actually realise how thick I was! I thought I was a genius. There was just the slight matter of my appalling grades. I didn't know it then, I hadn't been diagnosed, but it should have been obvious to all that I was dyslexic. I harboured ambitions to be a surgeon. The reason was pretty simple. My Mum's life had been saved by a wonderful surgeon, called Mr Phillip King at St John and St Elizabeth's hospital, in 1970 when she had cancer. I wanted to save peoples lives. Sadly, to become a surgeon, you need straight A grades. That simply was never going to happen.
I read this week, that a man had a robotic radical prostatectomy in Gibraltar, where the robot was controlled by a surgeon in London. AI is absolutely revolutionising medicine. AI can spot cancers that doctors would have otherwise missed. Robotic surgery is becoming more commonplace. Where is it all leading? Will we ever reach the point, where someone like me would be able to press the button and do radical prostatectomies via AI controlled robots on myself? Fifty years ago, large companies had mainframe computers. They needed dozens of technicians to run them to do tasks that an Excel spreadsheet can do on your phone now.
Imagine a scenario, where you turn up at a hospital, get an MRI scan, and AI diagnoses prostate cancer, so you walk down the corridor and a fully robotic ward, where you are weighed, your vitals taken and knocks you out and a robot removes your prostate. All you need is a nurse to make sure you are comfortable and a team on standby, if something unforeseen happens. You just press the button to agree to the procedure.
I'm pretty good with IT and computers, who knows maybe I could operate a robotic surgeon tool? I am not sure I want to, but it is not beyond the realms of possibility that a whole new career could open up for many. As for the wonderful surgeons, such as Mr Phillip King and my own cancer surgeon Dr Christopher Eden, there will always be a need for people at the top, who make sure the process continues to improve. I suspect that the job of a surgeon will be very different in 25 years time.
3. TV Chef.
I love cooking. I love showing off (which is why I sing in a Ska band). When I was 20, a mate of a mate worked in a kitchen in a top hotel. He was a brilliant chef. I was out of work and needed some temporary work to see me through. He got me a weeks work in the kitchen, as someone was off ill. What could be easier than peeling spuds and washing up? I have to say that of all the jobs I've ever had, it was the most punishing and brutal. It was absolutely non stop, unrelenting and punishing. Every plate has to be perfect. Every potato peeled properly. Nothing could leave the kitchen until it was right, but everything had to be done immediately. I was the bottom of the pile. I have never been sworn at so much. When I watched the chef's work, I was in awe. How the hell could they remember all of the stuff they need to do? But after a week, I'd learned enough so that when I cook Xmas dinner for 25 people it doesn't phase me. Much as I would love to be a top chef, it is just too hard. You need to know all about everything on the menu. Is the produce fresh? Is the oven the right temperature? Is there enough salt and pepper in the kitchen? Is the customer justified saying the steak is undercooked when they asked for rare? But, there is a new type of chef (well not that new). It is the TV chef. The TV chef has no one yelling at them. No customers moaning because there is no gluten free pie option. They just make videos and write books about cooking delicious food and they make millions. Whilst there is no way I could ever be a real chef in a commercial kitchen, I have some great. recipes. With AI video production tools, maybe I could make a few Youtube cooking videos and see if a lucrative career awaits me. I have a bit of a different spin on the TV chef. I am going to make a couple of videos and see if it works. You will think I'm bonkers when you see it!
4. Architect.
Buildings fascinate me. I know the names of the architects of all of my favourite buildings. I know the name of the architect of all of my favourite London buildings. St Pauls -Christopher Wren. St Pancras Hotel - Gilbert Scott. St Pancras train shed - William Barlow. The Post Office Tower - Eric Bedford and G R Yates.The Shard - Renzo Piano. All these men were masters of their art. I worked in an office on Park St, near Borough Market. I watched The Shard being built, I had a view of it from my desk. If I looked the other way, I saw St Pauls. When I was at school, I did building studios and did projects about the building techniques used for St Pauls, St Pancras and The Post Office Tower (as it was then). The sheer logistics of such difficult buildings being built was mind boggling. If you design a building, you need to know you can actually source the materials and get them to the site. Imagine the challenge for St Pauls and Wren? Only barges, horses and carts.
But now, with AI, anyone can design a reasonably decent building. But..... Now this is what really fascinates me. I am a musician. Over the years, there are places I love to play, because Rock and Roll works well in them. Then there are other venues where it simply doesn't work at all. People may come and have a great night, but it simply doesn't feel like a gig in the same way. The job of an architect is to ensure that a space is fit for purpose. I've actually worked with architects and designers to build studios. I think we did a good job at Mill Hill Music Complex. But there are so many venues that just don't work. I'd love to build a proper music venue from scratch. In the world of church design, there is a word called Numinous that means the amount of spirituality a religious space exudes. It is something many historic churches exude and new ones often don't. I have realised that a similar concept exists for rock and roll spaces. There are local pubs that put on great bands, but I have no desire to play at,because the space is simply not "rock and roll" in its feel.
I'd love to take all of the lessons I've learned from 47 years in a band to make the best venue ever. If you are a millionaire and you want to be part of something great musically, get in touch! I am not an architect, but I believe that with AI and a little help from my friends, we could build the best small venue in the world!
5. Bomber Pilot.
My Dad was an RAF bomber pilot in World War II. He flew Wellington Bombers for 40 squadron and flew 40 combat missions, getting shot down on his last one. He was held a POW and escaped. He was an officer, having passed out with the highest grades in his intake at the Royal Australian Air Force training centre. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like my Dad. I dreamed of flying bombers and winning the war. Dad didn't encourage me. In fact, the opposite. He told me I was too thick to pass the exams needed. He also felt that I was too indisciplined and unruly for a career in the forces. He said that the RAF works because people follow orders and don't question their officers. He reckoned I could start an argument with myself in a phone box. By the time I was about 14, I was into punk rock and rejected the notion of war. I joined CND, which confirmed to my Dad that I was a naïve idiot, who understood nothing about the world. He also simply couldn't understand why I had no real interest in travel or learning to drive and fly planes. I learned to drive when I was 29, long after he passed away. After the age of nine or ten, I lost all interest in being a bomber pilot. As I approach 64, it would be sensible to assume that the ship sailed a long time ago. However, with AI and the advent of drones, it occurred to me, that anyone can fly a drone. You don't need to be fit, have perfect eyesight or risk getting blown to bits by anti aircraft fire. Theoretically I could fly a drone from my front room and drop bombs on people. Now it is actually the last thing I want to do. But it is possible. I wish my Dad was alive to discuss this with. I think the technology would fascinate him.
Well lets follow the Barnet Blog tradition and start with a joke! Once again, thanks to that fine purveyor of Dad jokes, Robert Wilkinson. This is the sort of joke my Dad loved BTW!
My friend says he's studying forensics.
Big deal. I learned that in primary school. The answer is ten.
And on to the local music round up. Lets start with some big news! My band, The False Dots are back at the Dublin Castle on Sunday week, with a brand new single and video - a tale of horror in a 60's cartoon style and a bit of Benny Hill thrown in! CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS - We will be ably supported by Barnet & Liverpool band Those Naughty Lumps, and a brand new band called No Idea.
Here's a little preview animated video we made
Anyway, that's enough of us. Onto the local gig round up!. Follow the Barnet Music Facebook page for regular updates.
Friday 6th
Butchers Arms 9pm - Midnight Dr Realgood (Covers )
When I left work, I went to my gym at Virgin Active. I parked at the side of the building and was checking a whatsapp message, before going in, when I noticed a teenager boy walking a young dog. This caught my eye, as the dog looked like a very young version of our 15 year old fox red Labrador cross Bruno. Bruno is a much loved family member and whenever I see a similar dog, it always catches my eye.
As I watched, thinking "what a beautiful young dog" the dog decided that it wanted to sniff the wall. The teenager started to drag it. He then turned around and kicked the dog. I was completely unprepared to witness this act of violence. A red mist descended and I jumped out of the car and started yelling at the teenager. He clearly hadn't realised he was being observed and started to say "sorry, sorry". I then shouted "that is a beautiful dog, you should consider yourself lucky to have it, I saw which house you came out of and if I ever see you mistreat an animal again, I will call the police". By this time the teenager was briskly running down the road. I was absolutely furious.
In hindsight, I am glad there was a fence and a small embankment between us, as I'd have probably physically engaged him. As we all know such things can go horribly wrong. There were several staff of the gym, having a cigarette nearby, who heard the shouting. They did not see the incident. I explained to them why and they seemed shocked.
When I was 33 years old, I engaged in anger management sessions. I was conscious that on occasion, I had lost the plot and sought the need to control myself. One of the things that I was told, which gave me little solace is that in chaotic situations, it is hard to manage how you behave. The key strand is to avoid situations where you are likely to be triggered. The incident that made me seek counselling was when I was the victim of an unprovoked attack in the toilet of a pub. Someone randomly punched me in the face, whilst I was at a urinal. My reponse was very violent and it was pure luck that the assailant was not badly injured or killed. The counsellor advised that in such a situation, it is very hard to adopt any strategy, especially as you're subject to a sudden, unexpected violent attack.
Since that time, I've not experienced 'red mist' until yesterday. I think having two rescue dogs, who were both badly treated and are extremely nervous and damaged by abuse has made me very sensitive about mistreatment of animals. Fortunately, there was no physical element to the confrontation, but I did realise I'd lost the plot. It has left me feeling vulnerable and unsettled. As I noted yesterday, I am too old for such activities.
I suppose that getting so triggered every 30 years means I'll be 93 next time I lose the plot.
