The Saturday List #375 - My top ten most incongruous moments with The False Dots

Our next gig - click image for tickets

I have been playing with The False Dots since the 14th February 1979. The band has had many people in the band, we've played almost every genre of music in that time. Punk, Reggae, Ska, Funk, Hard Rock and even Country and Western! Last time I counted we've had 38 members and I've no idea how many guests joining us on stage and on recordings. We have always been musical outliers, which I suspect explains our success as a live band and our lack of success commercially. One element that has been a constant since the very early days is our love of indulging in silliness. This often earned us the derision of the other bands on the bill, until they realised that the audience loved it and found them a bit boring. Not all of the band members got this. In fact very few have. But it has made the journey a lot of fun. I realised early on that if we just did what everyone else did, we'd get nowhere and be 'just another band'. Some of the ideas paid off. Some didn't. There is a full list of all the gigs we've done on our website. Here though, are the top ten silly things we did at gigs. I don't know whether it helped and hindered our career, but here they are!

 1 -  At our 4th Gig - 13 March - Hendon Rugby Club (supporting The Chevrons) we decided top celebrate the fact that our bassplayer Paul Hircombe had started going out with a French girl, by dressing up in stripey t-shirts, berets and with strings of onions around our necks. I think everyone was a bit bemused. As documented elsewhere, The Chevrons were rather unpleasant to us. The onions came in very useful when we trashed their van!

2. At our 11th Gig - 16th January1982, Pub Bastun, Aland, Finland We had to play three sets. AS we didn't have enough songs, we did some covers, including Space Cowboy by The Steve Miller Band. Mark Barnett did a drum solo in it and we used a strobe for this which was incredible. We also agreed that we'd jump up on audience tables when he did it and point at him. When we did this, the audience joined. Beer and glasses went everywhere. After we played, the pub owner came up and said we'd made a real mess. We thought he was cross, but he thought it was brilliant. 

3 - At our 14th Gig - 7th March, The Moonlight Club, West Hampstead,We decided that it would be a good idea to have Pauls dope dealer of choice sitting on a chair in his motorcycle helmet on the stage smoking a joint when we came on. He would open the visor, take a lug and then shut the visor. The idea was that Gwyn would sit there for a couple of minutes and then casually walk off once we were into the first number. I can't recall why, but I do remember people coming up to us after we'd played and saying "Who was that strange bloke on the stage". The promoter was none too happy. We deemed it a success, but a stern telling off.

4 - At our 16th gig - 26th November 1982, Gooners Club, The Copper, Tower Bridge Road our roadie Dermot Fanning asked if he could do a "Dukes of Hazzard Rap" over a country and western backing track. A female singer had just joined and she was really pissed off with the idea. The compromise was that he could do it if we got an encore. We didn't do C&W music, so it was a radical departure. Derm was brilliant and the guvnor offered to double our money and give us a weekly slot of we did C&W music with Derm singing, In hindsight, we should have.

5 - At our 24th  gig - 20th August 1984, Mill Hill Music Complex (Rog's Birthday Party) My then girfriends sisters boyfriend offered to cater for the party. He made a large stew and laced it with opium. He put far too much in. AS we were playing, it became like a scene from Shawn of the Dead. People wandering around like zombies, falling asleep in the yard, vomiting everywhere. We had to rescue my big brother Laurie from the Police on the M1, where he was wandering around. We told them he was special needs and had escaped. As he was incoherent and dribbling, they were happy for us to have him. His wife collected him and was none too happy. 

6 - At our 48th gig - 19th May 1990, St Josephs CollegeTony Robotham was our singer. St Jospehs college in Mill Hill was a training college for Roman Catholic Priests. The gig was attended by the Princess of Tonga. Although it was not organised silliness, watching a member of royalty boogey with a bunch of elderly priests was utterly hilarious. It was one of the few gigs my Mum went to and she told me she loved it. 

7. Our 113th gig - 29th June 20 East Barnet Festival As we do a song about football, we thought it would be good to throw some beach balls into the audience. One of the festival goers volley'd it back and it hit the microphone stand. The mic smashed into my face, nearly knockling my teeth out.

8. Recording our 1984 single, Action Shock. We recorded at a studio in Reading, the studio was small and there was only broom cupboard for us to chill out when we weren't doing takes. The studio session was eight hours. Most of the time was spent on vocal takes. Myself, Paul and Bill spent nearly the whole time sitting in the broom cupboard. Paul smoked spliffs constantly. Bill abhorred drugs and smoking, but by the time we finished, he was stoned on 2nd hand smoke. I have never seen anything so funny. The singer Venessa was his girlfriend and she couldnt figure out why, She didn't have to sit in the cupboard.

9. Shortly after the bands first rehearsal, Pete Conway, Dave Edwards (our first drummer) and myself decided that it would be a good idea to parade around Mill Hill Broadway in drag with me strumming an acoustic guitar, Dave bashing a tambourine and Pete Conway singing "Joshua the second" at the top of his voice. I can't remember why or what we were trying to achieve, but someone told my Dad, who asked if I'd turned gay. I told him that this is what Rock bands did.. To say he was not impressed was an understatement. He told me if we did anything like that in Mill Hill again, he'd smack me in the gob

10. And finally. Perhaps the most surreal moment of the whole period dated back to the earliest days of the band. After Dave Edwards left as drummer, Paul Marvin joined. Paul was the son of guitar legend Hank Marvin. Paul arranged for us to have a rehearsal at Hanks private studio, in his mansion in Radlett. As we were a bunch of young, rebellious punks, we didn't let on that it was much of a big deal. However, when Hank asked if he could jam with us on one of our numbers, we said yes. So there we were, in Hank Marvin's studio, with perhaps the first British guitar hero, jamming to Not all She Seems. Hank came up with the jingly riff, which we still play today! Sadly, Pete upset Hank, so we were not asked back.