When I came up with the concept of my food blog, I never dreamed that I'd be writing blogs about the relative wokeness of what is on your dinner plate, but then I never dreamed (30p) Lee Anderson, who seems to me to have a very unhealthy relationship with food, would be stupid enough to tweet this.
It seems Lee has a problem with Avocado pears. They are far too woke for him. Fish and chips clearly is OK, although I am not entirely sure what his objections to tomato sauce are. My first thought was "How pathetic". Then I thought "every time any member of Reform UK now eats in public, they will have to ensure no Avocado or any other dish that may be deemed 'woke', or they will be snapped and lampooned. Sarah Pochin is now doomed to a life of eating only food which may be deemed sensible by Lee. What this will do for her cholesterol, heaven only knows.
Oddly, over the last few years, I've been unlucky enough to be in the same restaurant as a fair few right wing Brexity types. It has not been pleasant. I saw Nigel Farage having dinner with former UKIP chair Andrew Reid, who is a MillHill Resident in one of our local pubs. I was happy to leave him to it. I didn't see what he was having, but nothing is particularly cheap or 'English'. However the last thing I'd do is bother someone if they are having dinner. Having said that Nigel seemed quite happy to pose for selfies. As I recall, he had a nice jug of beer at hand, but seemed far keener on the plonk they were quaffing, although the beer was featured in the pictures. Being fair, he wasn't giving it the big "I am" and left me alone. When I saw Lee's tweet I did wonder whether I'd be tempted to get a crafty snap of his dinner for some fun, if I saw him there again, but generally I prefer not to bother people when they are off duty.
I also saw Neil Oliver and Laurence Fox in the Darcie & May restaurant boat near Paddington a few years back. I didn't check their dinner either, but both had a fair few bottles of plonk and were loud and annoying (in a way Farage wasn't). They seemed as if they wanted attention, it was a very 'look at us' vibe emanating from them. As we were at the next table, ignoring them was hard, but seemed the best policy. It's a lovely place for dinner, but we've not been back since. Once with those two was enough.
So anyway, I thought I'd look at my food log since the weekend and see how I'd fare with Lee's sensible dining measure. I've marked all of my meals out of 10. Ten is very sensible in a Brexity sort of way. Zero is super woke. So Fish and Chips is a ten and Avocado and Quinoir is zero.
Tuesday Lunch
Greggs Sausage Roll - 10
Tinned Mackerel salad - 3 (Not sure if tinned Mackerel is woke, but Salad must be)
Pear & Banana - 2 (fresh fruit must be woke!)
Tuesday Breakfast Porridge with Fruit - 4 (Porridge is probably Brexity, but I ruined it with fruit)
Monday Dinner
Cheese sandwich and pickled onion 9 - I think Lee would approve but probably demand chips for a 10.
Monday Lunch
Steak & Kidney Pie, Chips and Beans 10. I think this would be fine with Lee
Monday Breakfast Porridge with Fruit - 4
Sunday Dinner
Barbeque inc Steak, Sausages, Chicken and Ribs 6 - (I suspect Lee would get the hump as I get my meat at Bucherie Gerard. It's all free range and high quality. I reckon Lee likes Walls bangers on the grill)
Sunday Brunch
Full English Fry up at a cafe in Apsley 8. I suspect the food would get 10 but it was a rather fancy cafe and they included Haloumi. I don't think Lee would approve of the term 'Brunch'
Saturday
Dinner
Italian Meal in Kentish Town 0 - Foreign muck in Lee's eyes.
Lunch
Sausage roll at Wembley 10 - Lee would approve.
Breakfast
Cheese, Mushroom and Spinach Omlette 2 - I think Lee would be fine with an omelette, but the Spinach wokifies it.
Friday
Dinner
Italian food at Carluccios 0 - Woke foreign muck
Breakfast
Porridge with Fruit - 4
To my surprise, my average score is 5/10. I'm right in the middle betweet Woke and Sensible when it comes to food. I suspect that I got a far more sensible score than usual, with football and Darren (my manager) getting me a sausage roll to cheer me up.
I have to say that the idea of food being sensible is actually the most stupid idea I've ever heard of. Now my missus is always imploring me to eat sensibly ( and failing as you can see above). Her idea of sensible food is tiny portions, generally of such things as sushi and mung beans. I suspect Lee would not deem my missus sensible, but I have to say I'd trust her judgement over his any day. Food should be enjoyed. When politicians start pontificating like Lee, we are on a rocky road. I love fish and chips (with proper mushy peas that his friend didn't have). However, it is far more sensible to include a pickled onion and a wally. I'd never judge anyone by whats on their plate, but I do judge people if they post idiotic tweets. I also suspect that if Sarah Pochin ever does emulate "The Iron Lady" and become Prime Minister, she won't give old 30p a job.
My secret to happiness? I have a very vivid memory of being at St Vincents school and a Priest came up to give us our weekly religious indoctrination. He asked the class "Tell me three things that you could have that would bring you happiness". My hand shot up. I was about eight. The rest of the class nearly wet themselves when they heard my answer "A dog, a pond and my own shed". The Priest admonished me. He told me that such things only brought passing pleasure and what I should do is love Jesus, love God and love the Roman Catholic Church if I wanted to be truly happy. Not for the first, or last time, I had to endure several days of taunting in the playground for being a weirdo.
It may, or may not surprise you to learn that I now have two dogs, two pond and two sheds. I have doubled down on my lifes ambitions! Oh and I am rather fond of Jesus as well, although we are yet to meet up for a couple of beers. I like to think Jesus would come and see the False Dots and approve, if he was passing Camden Town when we were playing at the Dublin Castle. It does say in the Bible that he preferred the more down to earth joints than dining with the hoi polloi of society. I can't really say I blame him.
And yes, I am happy. I haven't always been, but I've managed to find a good equilibrium in life. What is my secret? Here they are.
1. I hold on to my dreams and I always make sure I have something in life to look forward to. It may be little things like meeting a mate for a beer and a curry, a big thing like a holiday or a gig. The thing is, when I'm feeling down, I can look at the calendar and see what nice things are coming up. When I had my cancerous prostate removed, I made sure that we had a holiday lined up for as soon as I could safely fly. It meant that I had something to nice to focus on as I went to theatre
2. I recognise the things of real value in my life. What are these? The people I love. I try and value them and let them know I appreciate having them around.
3.I appreciate the small gifts God gives us that are easy to miss. A beautiful sunset, the Sun's warmth on my bac after a cold winter. The cherry blossom in Spring. The little things that put a smile on your face. If you follow my personal Instagram you'll see all manner of things I snap. I know that not everyone credits God with putting them there for our fun, if you don't that's cool, but I quite like the idea that there is a greater presence that does little things to make us happy occasionally.
4. I try and see the good things in the knock backs I've had in life. Let me give you an example. I was quite devastated by my battle with cancer. However, I now see that it has given me a better appreciation of what I have in life that is good.
5. I recognise the hard work of people who make the world a better place. Yesterday, I saw my surgeon, Professor Christopher Eden, who removed my prostate. Whilst I have faith, I also think it is vital that in life we recognise the absolute hard work and dedication of people who make the world a better place. My recovery is down to having a brilliant surgeon, who works hard at improving his technique. Never forget to appreciate the people who dedicate their life to improving the lives of others. I extend this to all of the people in the NHS etc who I saw and who I didn't see in my journey.
6. I love the joy, excitement and tears of Sport, especially football. Football is a roller coaster, but when its good its brilliant and there is always next season.
7. I actually like myself. I don't deliberately do things that make people sad and I do my best to put a smile on peoples faces. My music and my blog ar vehicles to enable this. I'm not perfect, but I try and be the best version of me that I can.
8. I enjoy my food and drink. Even when I diet, which I have been for six months now, I eat proper fresh ingredients. I'd rather eat a tasty, healthy meal, then skip a meal and be hungry than eat slop that tastes like cardboard and be full. It means there is always some pleasure in the day. And yes I have lost weight!
9. I go to bed and have a sleep when I am tired. Often what we mistake for unhappiness/depression is chronic overtiredness. When I was in my early twenties, I read a book about techniques about sleep, its importance and techniques for falling asleep when your brain is not co-operating. It literallyc hanged my life. When I feel down or depressed, I always try and get some proper sleep, without drink or chemical assistance. You'd be amazed how well it works most of the time. I am not saying that a good nights sleep will cure clinical depression, that would be foolish, but I believe if you manage your sleep properly you are less likely to be susceptible to serious mental health issues.
10. Have love in your life. Don't shut yourself away or cut yourself off from the people you love. If someone is important to you and your relationship is going through a difficult patch, work on it. I am not perfect, I have the Irish gene that bears grudges. The more I let them go, the happier I am.
I hope this is of some help. What are your tips? I should add that for me, having music in life is always a joy. As I mentioned elsewhere, I was recently given a video of The False Dots at The Bald Faced Stag in Burnt Oak, filmed in June 1984. This has given me immense happiness. Here is our version of the Percy Sledge classic "When a man loves a woman". I had almost forgotten how good a singer Venessa Sagoe was. I must say watching this video has brought me great happiness, finally I must add a plug for our forthcoming gig at The Dublin Castle from 2pm on Sun 25th May. We are launching our new single Groovetown.
In the fine tradition of Barnet Blogs, we start the weekend with a joke and this one from our mate Robert Wilkinson rather tickled me.
My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said she had just seen her X Ray I said don't speak to him just walk away.
Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30pm – 10.30pm Irish Session
And just to finish off, as we like to do, we finish with some music. Here is a real gem from the archives. The False Dots live at The Bald Faced Stag in Burnt Oak in 1984, performing the Percy Sledge classic, "When a man loves a woman".
Have you ever wondered what the perfect band would be? The answer is easy Johnny, Joey, Dee Dee and Tommy. If you ever saw the Ramones in their first inception, you'd just know why. If I had to put together a band of people who were in different bands and set ups, I think I'd have Otis Redding on vocals, John McGeouch (Magazine, Souixsie) on Guitar, Gerald Johnson (Steve Miller Band) on bass, Ian MacLagan (Small Faces) on keyboards and Charlie Watts on drums. I'd also get the horn section from The Commitments for the numbers that needed it and I'd write the songs, a mash up of soul, Ska and Reggae vibes with a rythme and blues overtone. I may even play a bit of tambourine if I could pluck up the courage to embarrass myself with the musicians who's work I like most.
Hang on a second though? I have a band. I've spent the last forty six years trying to put the perfect band together, here in Mill Hill. Last night we had a rehearsal. It was brilliant, well the second half of it was. We've had a bit of a break from rehearsing as we've been doing recordings, which is a very different thing. We were dead rusty at first. But by the time we finished, we were on fire. But how if I could have my pick of the best musicians on the planet in the band, ever? A difficult question.
I'd love to write songs for Otis Redding to sing (sadly as he passed away in 1968, that was always an impossibility), but apart from our forthcoming single Groovetown, it would be hard to know how he'd get on with our very North London sound. Having said that, when we had Soul singer Venessa Sagoe in the band, she absolutely blasted Action Shock! Genius will conquer all eventually, os I'd put my faith in Otis. I love John McGeouch's guitar style and I think he'd make the Dots songs sound amazing, I think his work with PIL bears this out. He may well have had enough of moody North Londoners with an Irish heritage though. As for bass, in many ways, Gerald Johnson comes as close to Fil Ross's styleand crazy performances as any bassplayer I know. I'd never get rid of Fil, but Gerald would be the most suitable dep I can think of. I would bite your arm off to get Ian MacLagan in the band. I love his Hammond organ sound. It would sound amazing. Charlie Watts, I love his style, I'd pay big bucks to see the band above, but actually I think Rambo is better suited to our style. And we have our secret weapon, Mr Tom Hammond on Trumpet and Vocals. I think he has elevated us to be one of the best bands on the London Grassroots circuit. With the brass section from The Commitments would be cracking!
But in reality, how would all of the personalities gel. That is where it all goes wrong. At the moment, we have a great and very positive vibe in rehearsals. A great band is always much more than the sum of its parts. Any band is only as good or as bad as it's material.
For me what was for a long time the best ever False Dots line up was back in the early part of the 1980's. It all went well, until we decided we needed a keyboard player and I made the mistake of recruiting not only a "musical officionado" but one who was a troubled genius! Once he joined, nothing was ever right again. He didn't want to perform live until every single note would be delivered in exactly the right order on every occasion. It became a pain in the bum being in a band. Whereas we'd put a set together in a very short time, that we'd performed live and which people loved, all of the new songs became completely bogged down in arguments about complex arrangements. Also having a keyboard meant there was a lot less space in the songs for everything else. There are certain sounds, chord sequences and tempo's that I like, but I'd be informed that these were wrong. I didn't have the musical knowledge to argue, but our new songs lost the slightly edgy rawness that to my punk inspired ears, made them sound amazing.
As so often happens, cliques appeared in the band and I was in none of them. I am a spikey person, especially when I want the band to do something and I see people dragging us back. I am not one for cancelling rehearsals for a visit to the pub, I want a band to put the graft in. When people are doing a band for fun, this does not always go down to well. When the keyboard player joined, I was convinced we'd cracked it. The first few rehearsals and gigs with him were amazing. But the real problem is that in a band there are important personal dynamics. There were three things that I was too immature and inexperienced to understand at the time
1. Although the keyboard player was a fantastic musician, they lacked persnal confidence and found playing live to be very stressfull, especially when they were not comfortable with the material and the level of performance we could achieve. As we'd done a stack of gigs before he joined and he was talented, I just assumed he would take to it naturally. For him, a note out of place was a disaster. This wasn't true of the rest of us, until he arrived. He then made us all aware of our own shortcomings and we lost some of our confidence.
2. The band had always worked collaboratively on songs, throwing ideas around and organically finding what we thought sounded great. The new keyboard player had very rigid ideas of how things should work musically. He could fit in to the structure of existing songs, as these were set, but it became impossible to write songs as we had with him, once we started working on new material. He presented ideas and expected them to be delivered as he said, with no argument and his fallback position was that he was better than the rest of us as a musician. It took me a long time to realise that whilst this was true technically, his music was a bit soulless. But it did sound impressive in short doses.
3. Once you lose the dressing room, you are done! There was a moment when I realised that it was no longer 'my band'. What irked me was that as soon as everyone stopped listening to me, they all just downed tools. As band leaders go, I am sure I was impossible but we always got stuff done. Unless a band has someone to kick ass, then all you ever do is rehearse and dream.
Of course a band with Otis Redding, John McGeoch, Gerald Johnson, Ian MacLagan and Charlie Watts would have proper managers, agents and crew, so it wouldn't rely on Otis dragging everyone out of the pub for rehearsals. In my head, they'd all get on and have a blast, like I did last night and not have stupid arguments as to why you can't play a Dmin after D7 in a reggae song as we did back in the day.
The truth??? As a musician a perfect band is one you enjoy playing in. That generally means being able to get along with everyone or at least to be open to their ideas. I saw an old band member recenty who said "I never really appreciated the work you did for the band, until I played in other bands and we never did anything except rehearse". For me, that was a means to an end, get out, play your music and enjoy yourself.
In ten days time, on the 25th May, The False Dots perform our new single, Groovetown at The Dublin Castle. Why not come along and see what possibly the most perfect band ever to come out of Mill Hill sound like. We rather think you'll have fun!
As I've mentioned on here numerous times, my Dad was an RAF bomber pilot. Perhaps one of the stories he told me about his RAF training which stuck longest in my mind, was when they were trained about the effects of hypoxia(lack of oxygen). They were all put in a tank and told to write their name continually on a piece of paper, whilst the tank was decompressed, to the point where they passed out. When Dad was let out, he was amazed to see how his handwriting had deteriorated as there was less and less oxygen in his brain. They were also told that when submarine crews were stranded on sunken subs, and the oxygen ran out, they'd go bonkers as the CO2 levels rose and the oxygen was used. CO2 gives you feelings of euphoria and irrationality (which is why some people use strangulation to increase C02 levels in sexual activity). You may wonder what all of this has to do with the price of fish?
Well one of the side effects of global warming is rising atmospheric CO2 levels. Could it be that the seemingly inexplicably stupid events happening in the world are down to CO2 muddling our brain? Not a day goes by without some new level of lunacy being reached. Seemingly rational people suddenly start acting completely out of character. I must confess that I'm not entirely surprised when someone like Donald Trump does something that seems to me completely idiotic. I am perhaps more surprised that the USA, a nation of around 300 million people decided that the two best people to choose between for the job were Kamala Harris and Donald Trump. During the election campaign, I told a mate, who is rather left leaning that Trump would win. He said "How could you possibly think Harris is worse than Trump?". I replied "I don't but she is the dullest and most uninspiring speaker I've ever seen, Trump is a great salesman and his pitch is that if you vote for me, your life will be amazing". Harris simply didn't get how powerful that was. But that wasn't her fault. It was the fault of the Democrats who failed to find a Clinton or an Obama, who could also make people feel positive about the future.
If you are a political party, be it the Democrats or the Monster Raving Loonies, if you want to win, your job is to find someone that people actually like. Interestingly, The Republicans didn't find Trump. He simply decided that he was going to be their leader and then President. Back in 2016, the Republicans simply didn't know how to stop him. Once he was in, he took the party over. Make no mistake, the Republicans are no longer the party of Abraham Lincoln. But that is democracy. You don't always get what you want. Trump is a product of a broken system in the USA. In some ways, I see Trump as a modern day Kamal Ataturk, the leader who modernised Turkey in the 1920's and 1930's. Ataturk changed Turkey forever. The biggest problem for Turkey was that he was such a charasmatic leader that every leader since has been in his shadow. The Republicans will not find another Trump. I won't live long enough to see, but the history books in 100 years will be fascinating. Once everyone with an axe to grind has passed and Trump can be properly evaluated based on his record, I'd be fascinated to see what they say. I watched Trump speaking in Saudi Arabia yesterday. I was shocked. He actually made what I thought was a brilliant speech. I personally think that selling arms to a regime such as the Saudi's is completely immoral, but looking at it through Trumps eyes, where he doesn't care about their human rights record, it was a masterpiece. I almost wondered whether it was a Trump lookalike delivering it. It was coherant and would have stroked all of the right buttons for his audience.
We are in a new world. We are in a world where the good guys are on the run. We are in a world where the arms dealers, the despots and the profiteers are running the show. Even in the UK, Sir Keir Starmer, a liberal lefty lawyer, who became Prime Minister to undo years of Tory misrule, with a massive majority, has started quoting Enoch Powell in speeches.
I cannot possibly understand how we have got here. Is the CO2 in the atmosphere slowly sending us all bonkers? I am struggling to find a better explanation. A mate, who is involved in Friends of the Earth, told me a couple of years ago, that the secret cabal who run the world, know it is completely f@@ked and they are running it into the ground so they can enjoy the last few years at the expense of the rest of us. I thought he was bonkers, but maybe, he had a point.
I daresay that I'll upset a few friends with what I have to say here, but I simply don't believe that we can avoid telling the truth. As the only real policies Reform seem to have are related to immigration and they are ahead of the other parties by ten percent in some polls, burying heads in the sand is no longer an option. I had always thought that whatever Sir Keir Starmer and Yvette Cooper were or weren't, stupid was not one of them. Hearing Yvette Cooper talking about immigration yesterday. I have had to change my views. Why?
Well lets start by looking at why immigration is an issue for so many people. I talk to a lot of people from all walks of life and there are four reasons which I hear repeated time and time again. These are
1. Illegal immigrants are coming during a housing crisis, taking up all of the social housing and claiming benefits, adding to the tax burden of hard working British people. This means that we have less money in our pockets and our young people are priced out of the housing market.
2. Immigrants are involved in crime and anti social behaviour, not respecting British Culture.
3. Immigrants are changing the face of our towns and cities, Churches, Pubs, etc are disappearing and our High Streets are being overrun with Businesses which are fronts for money laundering.
4. The Police, Courts NHS, Councils and other Government agencies give Immigrants, their culture and their cultural needs preferential treatment, at the expense of indideonous British people.
Regardless of whether you think these statements are true, the reason that a significant number of people in the UK are now committed to voting Reform is because they believe them to be true and also only trust Nigel Farage to deal with their concerns. Sir Keir Starmer has four years to change their minds and prove that he can address their fears. There are two ways he can realistically do this. The first is to demonstrate, beyond reasonable doubt, in a way that the general public will believe, that he is addressing these issues. The second, is to implement policies that address the root causes of the discontent that the likes of Farage are counting on to persaude people to vote Reform.
I was fascinated when I saw Yvette Cooper on the news explaing how she was addressing these fears. Her big idea? To stop care workers from moving to the UK to work in care homes. To me, this is bonkers. The one thing, not even the most ardent Reform supporter has ever suggested we need to do, is stop genuine, hard working immigrants from working in care homes. The concept that there are lots of British people queueing up to work in care homes and are being forced out by immigrants is ridiculous. Of course, some at the fringes of the far right, would deport all immigrants, but that is a really minority view and not why Reform are polling at over 30% in some polls. This policy would be awful for all manner of vulnerble people. It does nothing to address any of reasons listed above.
So what should Starmer be doing? Well, if I was in his shoes, this is what I'd do to address the four issues.
1. The first thing I would do is to make any money given to France dependent on stopping illegal crossings. I'd double the money we pay France to police the channel, but I'd dock a sum for every crossing. We pay France around half a billion pounds a year to stop channel crossings. In 2023, approximately 29,000 people crossed the English Channel in small boats from France to the UK. This number was down from 46,000 in 2022. So if we docked £10,000 f'or every migrant crossing from France, they'd lose the half a billion extra if they let levels rise to 2023 levels again. I believe that the problem would stop and we'd save far more money as we'd not have the bills of housing and feeding migrants. I also believe that the UK government needs to do something to make housing affordable for younger people. That would remove a big cause of resentment.
2. Successive governments have chipped away at Police numbers and made it almost impossible for the Police to do their job. Having an effective Police force costs money. Starmer and Cooper need to properly fund the police. When the Police have the tools to do the job, crime drops and these sort of grumbles dissipate.
3. Yes, our high streets are changing. This has always been the case. If you think of the poem, Rub-a-dub-dub, it refers to the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Most of us just have a Tesco's Express instead now. Pubs don't close because "someone wants to put a Mosque there". They close because people stop going to the pub. I'd like to see things like pubs given support and protection from greedy developers, but ultimately if people don't want to use businesses on the High St, then the High Street changes. As for the charges of money laundering, see the answer to 2.
4. I think that there is a perception that the Police and Courts do not enforce the law properly for fear of creating a backlash. The grooming scandal is an example. It seems to me to be a complete no brainer for Yvette Cooper to instruct all police forces and the CPS to enforce the law without prefudice and with equality for all. I have no idea why Cooper hasn't already said publicly "We have reviewed what has been going on and in future, if people comit crime, they will feel the full force of the law, regardless of creed or colour'.
My views on this are not new, I've mentioned all of the above previously in blogs, if not all in one blog previously. I accept that fixing migration is far more complex than can be summed up in one short blog by someone who knows little about the subject. But I can also spot dodgy policies that won't work a mile off. Sir Keir Starmer and Yvette Cooper have clearly panicked after the appalling results in the local elections. They have rushed through a series of completely idiotic suggestions that will do nothing to address the real issues that concern people and everything to damage the social services sector. In short, they've lost the plot
First, let me put a caveat on what I am about to say. I am feeling awful today. I have a cold and if it wasn't for the fact that I feel worse when I lie down, I wouldn't be writing this today. Let me tell you about my walk home from the studio yesterday. I got beeped and nearly run over twice. Both times crossing Station Road, in the space of 30 seconds. Both drivers were female (not that that is relevant) and both were breaking the Highway code. The first was fed up that she was hel up by a van turning right onto the Broadway, when she wanted to turn left. Her solution? Mount the pavement to get around the van and beep me because I had the audacity to stand on the side of the pavement (not on the road). I stood my ground and crossed the road. The woman wound down her window and called me something rude. I noted that she had two toddlers in the car, so I ignored her. I was still fuming, and about to cross the lane where people exit the Broadway onto Station Road. Another woman, turning right, off the Broadway, saw this and beeped loudly, making it clear that she was coming through come what may. Now whenever I drive up there, I follow the Highway code and let people cross. It is not only polite, but safe. SOme people are deaf, or wearing headphones and beeping at them may not alert them. As this woman had cut across the Broadway, she was not in my eyeline when I looked before crossing.
The actions of these two drivers to me summed up the attitude of far too many people in the UK at the moment. In both cases, had they followed the rules, shown a degree of respect to pedestrians and behaved like decent human beings, their journey would have probably been five or ten seconds longer. If these two incidents were an isolated coincidence, it probably wouldn't be worthy of comment, but sadly this year has been full of people behaving in a horrible manner. Someone who I thought to be a family friend behaved in the most appalling fashion. I was shocked beyond belief at how events transpired. I don't really want to go into it here, but lets just say our Xmas card list is a bit shorter this year. I'd almost forgotten the whole thing, however I had an unfortunate reminder of it this week. It seems some people are so self obsessed that they simply cannot recognise that some behaviours are beyond the pale.
My wife witnessed another example a couple of weeks ago. She was in the post office in Mill Hill and a man had turned up to collect a parcel. The staff, following procedures, asked him for ID. He replied with a tirade of abuse "You know me, I am always in here, I don't need to produce ID". When they replied that they had to follow the rules, he became abusive and started swearing at them. Clare was right behind them and was visibly shaken.
As for social media, especially X (formerly Twitter), the levels of bile and abuse launched by Trolls is something to behold. Elon Musk has monetised accounts who pay and get large amounts of clicks. Their algorythms direct these to unsuspecting viewers, via the 'For You' stream. I seem to be inundated with short, shaky clips of people beating each other up. This is the last thing I want to see. I immediately block such rubbish, but that hasn't stemmed the constant flow of such horrible nonsense. Is it any surprise that people are getting angrier, when we get force fed such crap by social media companies.
I was chatting yesterday to John Burgess, Barnet Unison branch secretary about the political situation in the UK. John was noting that with the rise of Reform, both Labour and the Conservatives are lurching to the right. I always enjoy chatting to John, but our conversation yesterday was completely depressing. After we finished speaking, I reflected on Johns comments. For the more right wing people in the UK, the two iconic Prime Ministers were Churchill and Thatcher. When you compare them to the current crop of politicians on the right, the first thing to note is that neither used to rant and bluster. You may completely disagree with both, but they were highly intelligent and could make a rational argument for their policies. Both had their views and didn't bend to public opinion. It seems to me that the current crop are always looking for a bandwagon to nail their flag to. It may deliver short term electoral gain, but I suspect that ultimately they will all end up skewered by their own lack of morals.
Many on the right look back to the post war decade as a golden era. The warm beer and people playing cricket on Village Greens (before they were bulldozed and had flats built on them). They seem to forget that we built the NHS and social housing, people didn't walk on the grass, if there was a sign saying so and we followed the rules. There was no need for 'Woke' because by and large, people were polite. But it is also worth remembering that singe mothers had their children stolen from them, hotels had songs saying "No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs" and if you came from a working class family, your chances of going to University were almost zero.
Earlier in the week, when I started thinking about what I'd write this blog about, I thought it would probably be about the election of Pope Leo XIV. I don't know if it is just me, but I really couldn't be bothered to do any research, meaning I had nothing to say. When Stalin was running the USSR, he once derided the Pope, asking "how many divisions does he have". The new Pope has to deal with a fellow American, Donald Trump and a despot in Vladimir Putin. Can you imagine spending all of your life working as a Priest/Bishop/Cardinal and you make it to Pope and these are the people who you have to deal with. As for the new Pope, unless he demonstrates in short order that he will be the Pope who sorts out the abusers in the Church for once and all, I personally will think he lacks the real moral authority to do the job.
Having said all of the above, I am lucky. I have a great family, I don't worry where my next dinner is coming from and I can take solace in music, which I have to admit is going pretty well at the moment. It is a trobled world. We have to take solace where we can.
Having played with The False Dots for 46 years as band leader, having played at most of the best clubs and pubs in London as well as playing in Europe, I have a little bit of experience of running a band. I've also run Mill Hill Music Complex music studios since the band started and I've seen all manner of bands come and go. I've watched some artists start and rise to the top, whilst others, who may well have been more talented, have never really taken off. When we started, our mates, The Polecats, who I was at school with got a deal and were on Top of The Pops, inspiring us all to believe that we could 'make it'.
So what do you need to do to have a successful band? Well here are my top ten tips for aspiring band leaders.
1. Decide what you want your band to achieve and set clear goals and put a plan together to get there. I have mentored many artists over the years. The first question I always ask is "where do you want your career to take you?". Probably 75% say the same thing. "We want to get a deal and have hit records". It may surprise you if I say that this is one of the easiest things in the world to do. All you have to do is have at least one song that is a surefire hit (great beat, catchy hooks, etc), which has a vibe which is in tune with current music tastes, an image that is compelling and something unique that sets you apart from the crowd. If you have all of these, then the goal is achievable, but you have to play the game. It always amazes me how many artists who aspire to great things, don't have the basic building blocks to achieve it. So be honest, look at what you actually have and work out how yiu can build on this.
2. Choose the right people for your band. The reason why 99% of bands fail to get off the ground is because the members do not share a common purpose or commitment. If you want to "make it" ou have to pretty much accept that it will take 2-3 years to get established and for that period, the band has to be 100% your full focus in life. Relationships, careers, holidays,etc cannot be part of the plan. You have to spend your time writing, rehearsing, gigging, recording and networking and you all have to be committed to it. If the band are going our for a drink, go to places where other musicians hang out. Time spent in your local is time wasted and you really don't have time. Bear in mind, if the band takes off, you will be stuck with these people for the next couple of years. If they get on your nerves, it won't end well. Choose the right people.
3. Keep writing new material and study how to structure and compose music so that you get the best out of your ideas. Ultimately, success in music is all about having great music. No band has ever made it without having great tunes. Having quirky ideas is as compelling as having brilliant melodies, if you look at British music, some artists have great natural musical talent and tunefulness, such as The Beatles, Amy Winehouse, etc. Other such as Ian Dury, The Clash and the Rolling Stones,have a spikier talent and quirkyness that grabbed attention. Play to your strengths. The one thing all have is brilliant material and a compelling delivery.
4. Build a good team around your band. Once you start seriously gigging, you will need help. Getting gear to gigs, promoting the band, producing your tracks to bring the best out of them and emotional support, when things don't go well are really important. I mentioned the Polecats at the start. Tim, the singer, had a Dad Barry, who was a plumber and had a van. He would drive the band around the country and became their manager. Such people are the lifeblood of aspiring bands. My band had a mate called Emil, who'd lend us his VW camper van and another mate called Dermot, who drove it and didn't drink! Such people are diamonds.
5. Don't be disheartened when things go wrong. The reason that the False Dots are still going after 46 years (and I think making better music than ever), is that when things go wrong, we pick ourselves up off the floor and step back in the ring. Several times, absolutely key members would leave, just as we thought we'd crack it. You can't get disheartened. If you believe in what you are doing, just treat it as experience.
6. If things aren't working, be honest with yourself as to why. The biggest mistake bands make is to delude themselves as to why they are unsuccessful and the plan isn't working. Bands are the best at blami ng everything else for their problems. The labels, gig promoters, etc. I've heard the same old stories time and time again. Then I hear the music the band are playing and it is obvious. Generally it is because the songs bands make are simply too self indulgent. One of the biggest mistakes bands make is to try and look cool, writing highly pretentious nonsense, rather than songs that connect with people. They all slap each other on the back, celebrating their own brilliance, then the songs simply don't find an audience. One artists said to me, back in the 1990's that they couldn't understand the success of The Smiths, with their miserable lyrics. The answer is simple, many people connected with the emotions Morrissey shared. When I analysed the artists lyrics, effectively the songs were all "Look at me, I am cool, I am wonderful, aren't I great". The tunes were decent jangly pop, but it was was impossible to connect with. The artist absolutely refused to recognise that his was the problem. Needless to say, they never acheived success.
7. Understand the dynamics of gigging. Gigging is the most important stepping stone to success. But there are rules. If you don't play enough gigs, you will never get anywhere. If you play too many, at the same place, you will saturate and lose your audience. I'd recommend not playing the same venue more than 4-5 times a year. When you do a gig, always have another one to announce in the locality if possible, but make it 6-8 weeks apart. When you are building a following, there are two things to do. The first is to play free to enter gigs at venues that people actually go to. The second is to get good support slots at recognised venues. The second is better, but the first is more attainable. Different rules apply if you are a covers band, playing for cash. What you want then is a regular circuit of paying gigs. I've never really done that, so I can't offer too much advice, beyond see what pubs are doing live music and hassle them for gigs. I'd recommend checking out the bands playing there, and seeing what goes well.
8. Have a social media strategy. You won't get anywhere without social media. They say that people need seven social media engagements for things to sink in. Posts have to be engaging and eye catching. Building a following on social media platforms takes time and there is no easy fix. But there are a few good cheats. Follow similar acts, like their posts and comment. This will, eventually, draw attention to your band.
9. Make your media clips interesting and ensure there is an attractive narrative. One of the biggest mistakes bands make is to put boring, bland videos of the band up, that have dodgy sound quality, with a bland message, such as "Us playing a cover at the Dog and Duck last night". Half the time, it puts more people off the band than it gets to come. It is always worth investing in some coloured lights, so your videos look better and make sure the sound quality is good. Try and make the text sound exciting, so "Last night, everyone went crazy when we played Freebird at The Dog and Duck" is more likely to get a view.
10. Have a strong 'brand identity' for your band. Think of all the good things about your band, all of the USP's, what you sing about, what style of music you play, what you look like and your name. Make sure that when people engage, you've done everything you can to ensure they remember you. Try and make sure that when you take to the stage, you look different to all of the other bands.
As someone who has been running a band for 46 years, I look back on our career. There have been many phases. I thougght I'd finish this blog just listing how we progressed
1978-79 - We spent this period tring to put a band together and write songs. Our aim until Fen 1979, was simply to have a band we could rehearse with. Once we acheived that, the aim was to get a set together. It all imploded in Spetember 79, but we restarted in December.
1980-82 - This was all about getting the band gigging. We recorded demo's, toured Scandinavia and built up from playing local pubs, to better venues in London.
1983-84 - This was all about trying to get a record deal. We got close, but the industry didn't want a band fronted by a black female singer. We didn't fit. It all imploded in September. Here's a video of what the labels didn't like!
1985 - This was about rebuilding and getting back gigging. We ended the year playing in Belgium.
1986-87 - The less said about this period the better. We had a singer who wanted to make us a covers band earning money. It was a miserable period./
1988-90 - This was mostly about just playing gigs for the fun of it. We'd lost our spark, but we did a few decent gigs.
1990-2001 - I was doing other things, paying the mortgage and having kids.
2001-2009 - We rediscovered our love of gigging. That was always what it was about. We did a couple a locally.
2009-2011 - Much to my amazement, we enlisted a brilliant singer Connie AB, wrote a new set and started playing Camden Town again. As with 1984, we were scuppered by industry racism. Here' a video of Connie singing with us.
2012 -2019 - Allen Ashley, who sang with the band in 1985, rejoined and we returned to playing local gigs and festivals for the fun of it. We also recorded an albums worth of songs, but the pandemic meant we didn't get around to releasing it.
2021-Present. Allen left and I started singing. The band returned to what I wanted when I first set it, playing Ska/Pop/Punk tracks with a Madness/Ian Dury tone. We started playing back in Camden etc and I rediscovered my love of making music and showing off in front of an audience. What is our aim? To have as much fun as possible and see where the road leads us. Here is an example of our work!
For me, the band was always about gigging and playing our own stuff, to as many people as we can. I feel blessed to have had so much fun and work with such wonderful people over the years!
