In Barnet the hot topic is bin collections. I was challenged by one of my friends to come up with a joke about what was happening in Barnet that was actually funny. Of course, if none of your refuse has been collected for weeks and it is starting to emit a bit of a pongy niff, you probably won't appreciate it, but here goes.
The Leader of Barnet Council, Richard Cornelius, passes away after a long illustrious life of public service and finds himself at the Pearly Gates, stood before St Peter.
St Peter asks him his name and what he's done with his life, so that he can work out where to put him.
Richard replies "I'm Richard Cornelius and I was the Leader of Barnet Council" St Peter says to him "Oh, Ok. Yes I can see your name. He then says "Ok, before I let you come in and give you your harp and cloud, we are giving special people a chance to have a look at the other place"
Richard is quite disturbed and says "You mean hell? Why would I want to go there?"
St Peter responds "Well some people feel that it has had a bad press and is actually quite a nice place. If you don't like it you can come up here and assume your place here".
Richard thinks to himself "I've always been curious what its like". So he says "Ok, I'll have a look".
When he get's down there, he is shocked to find a mssive party going on. Satan, unlike the biblical portrayals, is a lovely charming chap and he says "Come in, some of your friends are here. There they all are. They are eating, drinking and generally having a whale of a time". Richard is confused and says to the Prince of Darkness "This is amazing, how come they don't tell you in the bible it's like this?" Satan responds "Oh we don't want everyone coming in, just those who fit in. All of that nonsense is just to keep the plebs out. Do you really think I'd get kicked out of heaven to live in a $hitehole?". Richard is amazed, but it makes perfect sense.
Then Satan says "Right, you've got to go back and tell St Peter your choice".
Richard makes his way back and says "Sorry, I really like the look of heaven, but it's great down there, all my friends are there and it is great fun". St Peter looks truly sad and says "Ok, just sign here".
At that Richard is transported back. However all of his friends are no longer having a party. Their clothes are torn and dishevelled. They are covered in sores. He is taken to the largest pile of garbage he's ever seen, with vicious rats running around sinking their teeth into the poor souls, who are throwing the endless piles of rubbish onto a massive burning fire. Demons make sure there is no let up, prodding the poor souls with huge spears when a rest is taken".
Satan says "RIGHT OFF YOU GO, WELCOME TO HELL!"
Richard turned to him and said "Hang on, where is the party, why is it not like what you promised".
Satan turned to Richard and laughed "Do you remember when you wrote the Barnet Conservatives manifesto in 2017? Remember the promises, bins emptied, finances run properly. Surely you of all people would realise that you never tell the truth to the mugs until you've got their vote in the bag. Off you go now".
For the purposes of clarity, we rather like Richard and has friends and we are sure that St Peter will usher them straight to their cloud and harp with no detours on route when the sad day comes. This is just a joke (we hope).