Have you ever wondered how much trouble and strife in the world could have been avoided if people were mature enough to apologise when they are in the wrong and have caused upset? There is a matter I can't discuss here, it has caused a huge ruction and a lot of aggro for me. It is incredibly frustrating, because the truth of the matter is that a simple apology when it became clear that there was a problem would have completely diffused the matter and the last five months of my life would have been far more pleasant. I find myself in the middle and ever more frustrated as I watch a situation deteriorate before my eyes.
How many times in life have we heard the words "it's not fair". In truth of all the words in the English language 'fairness' is the least understood. Rooted in the Old English fæġernes (beauty, pleasantness) and fæger (agreeable, suitable), it evolved from meaning physically "beautiful" or "light-colored" to describing "morally right" and even-handed conduct by the mid-15th century. Generally most of us first said the words "it's not fair" when we were three or four and mummy wouldn't give us another sweetie or let us watch the telly past bed time. Usually it is the injustice that as a three year old we get sent to bed at 6pm when our five year old sibling can stay up to 7pm. As a frazzled parent, you tend to realise that dealing with three year olds is a thankless task. Nothing is fair and they are only sorry when it secures an advantage "Say sorry to your brother or we are not going to the sweet shop".
When dealing with adults, we have the forlorn hope that they will be a bit more rational and equitable. We hope that they will recognise that being even handed means taking account of both sides and trying to reach common ground. In truth, the fairest solutions are ones where no one is happy but everyone can live with it. When people have disputes, I am shocked at how often the source of many serious problems are the most trivial of reasons, which seem to escalate relentlessly. Some minor perceived slight often results in a festering dislike, which sometimes escalates into all manner of silliness,
Settlement of disputes involves meeting in the middle and trying to find a way forward rather than endlessly reviewing old disputes and trying to ascertain who is to blame. It means apologising even when you think the other person has a degree if culpability. It means acknowledging that your own behaviour may not have helped the situation. It means being mature enough to realise that settling an argument imperfectly is better than enlessly arguing and fighting. And most of all it means recognising that in wars, even victors suffer. Sadly many people rather narcissistically don't realise that carrying on silly disputes often hurts their friends as much as their enemies.
Sensible people can 'agree to differ".
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