I'm off to mass in a minute at The Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Mill Hill. The church is implacably opposed to assisted dying. It is fair to say that its stance does not reflect my opinions. It is my opinion that if a compos mentis and they are in excruciating pain, with only the prospect of it getting worse, I would have no isssue with them deciding the time and the place of their departure from this mortal coil, surrounded by their friends and family. I get all of the arguments abouts safeguards and I know that there are all manner of complex issues, but I do believe that in the case of someone like Esther Rantzen who had clearly decided the path she wanted, it is not the business of the state or the law to prevent this happening in the most pleasant way possible for her. Do I believe that a just and compassionate God would send her and her to Hell? I cannot possibly reconcile that with my personal views of faith. I get all of the arguments about "bumping off inconvenient individuals", but where a medically diagnosed progressive terminal illness is diagnosed, for me the matter is one of compassion.
Why am I writing this. Well there is some very disturbing news in my close family. A day I have been dreading for a very long time seems to be looming. I will have a very important decision to make and I suspect it may be in the next couple of days. It is one that I have deep sorrow in making, but I also believe that if pain and suffering cannot be addressed and it will only get worse, then the most humane thing for everyone is to have a dignified end. Our beloved dog Bruno is fifteen years old. We've had him since 2012 and he is a superstar. But he has become almost lame, lost control of his bowels and is off his food. He hasn't wagged his tail for a couple of weeks. He doesn't sleep at night, waking up panting and getting agitated. We have tried various things from the vet and nothing works. He has had uncontrollable diarrhoea (which as a dyslexic is a word I cannot even spell). Over the last week it has rapidly gone down hill. He does not seem to be enjoying life at all. Initially we thought it was a stomach bug, but it has gone on for four days and there seems no improvement, despite medication.
Sadly, it seems that a phone call to the vet is imminent. There will be tears and it will be a terrible day. But such decision have to be made. We will of course take the vets advice. But it has brought home to me the truth that such decisions are almost impossible. I think people who care probably make them a long time after they really should. As regular readers know, cancer has been part of my life since 2011. I have given the matter a lot of thought. What would I personally do, and I don't know. I think I'd want to hang on until the last possible moment. But is that fair on the family? In 2012, I watched a friend die of oesophageal cancer. He fought until the last moment. It was horrific for all of us. I am 99% sure that the opiates that he was given to alleviate the pain was what ended his life, not the cancer. What was shocking was just how hard he fought. Three times in the last few hours, we thought he'd gone, then he'd rally. He finally left, when everyone left the room for a quick cigarette break. It was almost as if he didn't want anyone to see him depart. My sister, who is a retired hospice nurse told me that this is quite common. Does the Grim Reaper wait around the corner for a clear run?
I believe that dogs have a semi spiritual role in our lives, to make us better people and teach us lessons. The current lesson we are being taught is brutal, but it is a good thing in the bigger picture. No lesson in life comes without a price to pay. Dogs have about one seventh of the lifespan of a human, so if we look after them properly, we might have seven or eight in our journey. In mine, I've had five. We had a puppy called Christine, who lasted a matter of weeks before she ran in the road and got run over. It was horrible. Then we had a Beagle called Bruce. He was a wonderful dog. He'd been dumped in Mill Hill Park and ended up in our house. When my parents went to Australia in 1981 and I went to Sweden, we asked our neighbours to look after him. They had two small girls. When we all returned, they asked if the could keep him as the girls loved him. Much to my annoyance, my parents agreed. As I moved out shortly after, it was clearly the right decision. I still saw him. We then got Tilly the Boxer in 2004, when our cat died. She was a reaal character. I love Boxers, they are great fun. We got Bruno in 2012, as we wanted a dog to keep Tilly company. Bruno was a rescue dog, completely bonkers. He drove Tilly mad. he was twice her size,a fox red labrador/ rotweiller cross. He'd been badly treated so has always been very unpredictable. But he is also the best fun and the silliest dog ever. Much to our surprise, he has reached fifteen. He has always had a dickie stomach, but always seems happy. When Tilly died in 2017, we got Keira. She is another rescue dog. A white German Shepherd. She is the lovliest dog, but is also the most nervous and territorial. She is extremely scared of men and to this day will not approach me, except when we are walking, when she becomes the perfect dog and my best friend.
All of our dogs apart from Tilly have had difficult starts and there behaviour reflects this. I have a very low opinion of people who mistreat animals. If people don't like animals and don't keep them, that is fine, but people who abuse them disgust me. I nearly punched someone at the gym, after I heard them saying they were looking to rehome a 4 year old labradoodle, and would put it down if they couldn't, as they wanted a puppy for their children. It was a moment when I realised the anger management had paid off. I think the person is one of the most disgusting individuals I've ever seen. I avoid him like the plague when I see him, as I don't want to get triggered and do something stupid. For me, putiing an animal down is a last resort. A moment when something you love has reached a point where it is more cruel to let them carry on suffering.
In such moments as this, I pray for guidance, to do the right thing and to see the right path. Generally when such moments come along, I think I do the right thing. I can sleep at night.
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