Why Infantino's plan to monetise football must fail for the good of everyone

 This week, the head of FIFA announced plans to invite private investors to take a stake in FIFA. The continental football federations were promised huge cash bungs if they fell into line. I've not read the details of the proposal, but to be quite honest, I don't need to. The only reason that private investors ever invest in anything is to make a tidy profit, usually in the shortest time possible.

Football has always been a very two edged sword. On the one hand, there are the fans. If you love football and support a team, it is a stronger bond than most marriages. I am always vaguely suspicious of anyone who changes their allegiance after the age of 8. We pick our team and we stick with them. We spend a small fortune on a Sky subscription, and another small fortune on season tickets, if we support a Premiership team and go to games. We pay about ten times the price for replica tops, of  a similar unbranded garment. If we have kids who love football, it is prohibitively expensive for families on low incomes. The clubs have three kits, which change every year, to feed the profits in. If you kid is a Man Utd fan, you'll be paying £60 for a home team top.  It's the same for a City top. I suppose that at least City fans know that the cash is going into the team and not the pocket of the Glazers, but the products are priced to be as expensive as possible without being unaffordable to the main fan base. On the other side were the business interests around the clubs and the game. The only consideration they have for the fans, is to ensure they keep spending money. 

Now when Infantino talks about bringing investment into the game, he is talking about bringing in people who want to squeeze every last penny out of the image rights of teams and the branding of the game. The game is global, so there is huge reach. I am sure that when he talks about 'cash for the development of the game', he's not talking about a magic pill that gives us all the ball skills of Messi. He is talking about finding new ways to squeeze more money out of the fans. 

Infantino claims he has just organised the 'most successful World Cup ever'. In terms of pure cash, he is probably on the button. However it was not the best in terms of football on the pitch. It was not the best in terms of sportsmanship. It was not the best in terms of accessibility for fans. He clearly wanted an Argentinian victory, with Messi scoring the winner. During the knockout stages, Argentina seemingly had a free pass to kick the other team off the pitch. I believe this actually scuppered Argentina. Every time they had to chase the game and stop kicking the opposition, they were brilliant. They had arguably the greatest footballer of the modern era making his swansong, and somehow managed to alienate the whole planet. I am 100% sure that Infantino was dreaming of the commercial rights to the TV footage of Messi scoring a wonder goal to win the final. 

As it was, it was Spain, a team without superstars who won. It was Rodri, a defensive midfielder who goes about his business in an unfussy way who was the player of the tournament. But Infantino used the time in the US well, to make the contacts in their sports world to sow the seeds for his scheme.  The US sporting industry are the masters at squeezing value out of sport. The Man Utd model is perhaps the best example. Borrow the money to buy the worlds most glamorous club team. Squeeze the fans for every last sheckle, to pay the interest off and make sure there is a big dollop of cash on top to ensure your wallet is fat enough. In the Glazer model, success on the field only matters in terms of ensuring the cash keeps rolling in. You don't need the best players and managers, who may win things, just do enough to keep the fans believing and having hope. 

A privatisation of FIFA will be different though. It is not the team or their fans that are being fleeced, it is the whole game. Tournaments will go to the highest bidder. 'Innovations' like hydration breaks and half time shows, which generate hard cash from TV advertising will become the norm. Game times will change for TV schedules. I expect all manner of commercial deals, so if you want a ticket for the final, you fly first class with the 'partner airline' to get points to get a ticket. I am not saying that getting tickets for World Cup finals has ever been easy or cheap, but it will become impossible for fans who are not minted. 

I believe that hydration breaks are just the thin end of the wedge. It will not have escaped the attention of the money men that the final was largely a rather dull, turgid affair, with a lot of fouls. Argentina had zero shots on target. The difficult truth for the likes of Infantino is that this is not the sort of game that lucrative US audiences are interested in. They prefer games like Englands 6-4 defeat of France. They like the images at the end, where English and French players pray together and laugh and smile. The scuffles at the end of the final, are not what parents want their kids to see and for many it was a terrible end. 

For a football fan like me, I do not want to see my players hugging opposition players at the final whistle. I want to see that they care. Of course Argentina went way over the top and entered the realm of bad losers, but I never want football to be a pantomime where no one cares. However when things get commercialised, they get sanitised. I suspect that for the likes of Infantino, the perfect game would be where Argentina had won 7-3, Messi had scored a hattrick and both teams had hugged and smiled at each other during the hydration breaks and at the end. All of the fans would have flown from around the world, first class, at a premium on FIFA packages, all would have bought the official "I was at the FIFA world cup final merch", all would have drunk the beer of the official FIFA world cup partner, everyone who posted clips on Twitter, of match incidents would pay FIFA for a license and at the end The King would give the FIFA board peerages and Donald Trump would give them all a pardon for any naughtiness that may have ensued and the Pope would make them all Saints.

I believe all of this undermines the game at grassroots. When I was a kid, in the summer, a gang of kids would go to the park, put down jumpers and play for the love of it. I don't see that anymore. Now kids log onto their mobile phones and watch memes of Ronaldo and Messi doing tricks ( and someone, somewhere makes a bob or two). We never had to worry about who's side the fat kid was on, because there weren't any. When a sport, which is supposed to promote health, has sponsors that sell sugar filled drinks, is it any surprise, it has lost its soul. 

It will surprise no regular readers to learn all of this has inspired me to put pen to paper and write a song. 

Fake Insidious Fraudulent Amoral

Nordic Row Chant – “No” x 4

Is anyone feeling thirsty, is anyone getting hot (x 4)

F is for Fraudulent

I is Insidious

F is for Fake

A is Amoral

Oh Oh Oh Oh No

Verse 1

We used to have such a beautiful game, played by Brazil, The Netherlands and Spain

Corinthian Spirit and Players with art

Bobby Moore and Pele they’d steal your heart

But the money men came with brown envelopes

Put out game on a slippery slope

Half time shows and commercial slop

It breaks my heart it has to stop

STOP - STOP – STOP – STOP --------------- STOP (whistle to stop)

Hydration Break, Hydration Break

Whistle to Restart

F is for Fraudulent

I is Insidious

F is for Fake

A is Amoral

Oh Oh Oh Oh No

Repeat Verse 1 

STOP - STOP – STOP – STOP --------------- STOP (whistle to stop)

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I'll be at Hadley FC tonight, watching a pre season friendly. It is a world away from the shenanigans at the top

When will the Tories realised Kemi Badenoch is not a serious politician?

 One of the things that annoys me most about the press in the UK (and probably everywhere) is the way they portray every action and statement of those they support as the work of a genius and evey action of their opponents as the work of an idiot. Following the last election and the selection of Kemi Badenoch as leader of the opposition, we had the strange spectacle of two completely useless leaders going about their business in a very useless manner. Papers like The Express, The Sun and The Mail were keen to big up Badenoch, despite the fact that it was clear she is useless. Likewise, the Guardian and the Mail pretended that Starmer was brilliant, despite the fact that it was patently obvious that he was useless.

The public are not stupid. How did they react? They couldb't hve been clearer in their actions. Reform and Nigel Farage zoomed up the polls, as did Zack Polanski. I genuinely believe tahat this had little to do with people actually wanting either as PM and more to do with a general mid term message to Labour and the Tories to sort themselves out. Labour have. I know Burnham is in a honeymoon period, but it is 100% clear that he is a far better person to run the country than Starmer was. He believes in something and is prepared to work across party lines for the good of the UK. I am listening to him speak on the radio as I write this. Unlike Starmer, I have no wish to turn off the radio at the mere sound of his voice. 

A recent Poll put Labour above Reform for the first time in over a year

Westminster Voting Intention:

LAB: 26% (+1)
RFM: 24% (-2)
CON: 21% (+2)
GRN: 10% (+2)
LDM: 10% (=)
SNP: 3% (=)
RES: 2% (+1)

Via @Survation, 25-27 Jul.
Changes w/ 22-24 Jul.

— electionmapsuk (@electionmapsuk) July 28, 2026

I doubt anyone who watches politics keenly is too surprised. But for the Tories, mid term after two years of a rubbish leader, they are languishing in third place. Nigel Farage has managed to shoot himself in both feet with his election stunt. He has got himself into a battle with Count Binface in a completely unneccesary by election, which he can only lose. Binface has been able to turn the spotlight on him and ridicule him in a way no ordinary politician ever could. Farage has been totally blindsided. Whatever happens, he has been made to look ridiculous and his party has taken a  massive hit. Binface has run a briliant social media campaign, that has gone viral, making sure everyone knows of his dodgy dealings. But under Badenoch, the Tories have got almost no benefit in the polls. 

One of Burnhams first initiatives has been to reach out to her on reform of social care. She had an amazing opportunity to look like a sensible, grown up politician. Her response? We will only get involve if there is a guarantee of no tax rises. The public know that social care is in a mess and people are not stupid, there will be a cost. By trying to dictate from a position of weakness, she has undermined her credibility. If she had said "We have to do this and we will make sure that the government reforms deliver value for money for taxpayers" she would have looked serious and statesmanlike. By all means walk away of the conversation is going nowhere, but a leader of the opposition should not put conditions on such talks, until they hear what has to be said. 

I wonder what Badenoch would say if we need to put taxes and borrowing up urgently for the defence of the realm? As far as I am concerned, defending vulnerable adults is as important. We should never fund things like social care by borrowing. I am all for efficiency in government and money being spent wisely. I run a business and every time I visit an A&E department or an NHS hospital, I see inefficiency everywhere. There is huge scope for bette rmanagement and money saving, but this has to come from better management. Those who knock the NHS forget that we get our health care cheaper than countries that have private systems. No one is bankrupted. But it isn't perfect. If I was Badenoch, I'd be looking at identifying waste for savings. It seems that every time I go to any hospital department, I have to hang around, sometimes be checked in at three departments and there are bundles of paper everywhere. All of this could be automated. When we get trains, we buy tickets online and tap in. The technology is there. But the Tories have an analogue leader, who doesnt grasp the fact that the world is changing. AI offers savings in all manner of areas of government, but she has nothing to say about it. In fact, she has nothing to say of interest about anything. 

In short, she is useless and if the Tories want their own Burnham bounce, they need someone who gets it.

After ten years of lunacy is Andy Burnham the man to put the wheels back on the wagon?

 At the start of 2016, David Bowie died and Great Britain went bonkers. I've almost lost count of how many Prime Ministers we've had. They've all been either weak, useless, dodgy or bonkers or a combination of these 'qualities'. It is odd that whilst we've had seven Prime Ministers, we've only had three leaders of the opposition ( I don't count Rishi as he was a caretaker). They say being leader of the opposition is the hardest job in politics, but clearly it can't be. 

Into the melee has stepped Andy Burnham. It is clear that he is a very different beast to Sir Keir Starmer. It actually appears that Burnham believes in something. A friend, who is a Merchant Banker has advised me to sell all my shares, as Burnham is going to crash the market with his socialist schemes. Oddly I had a look yesterday, I don't have many but they are at a record high. It makes me wonder. Are players on the stock market artificially inflating share prices so they can crash it to stitch up Burnham when he announces a few mildly centre left policies.

From what I've seen so far, I rather like what I've seen. Burnham is engaging Badenoch and Ed Davey to try and get a permanent fix for adult social care. Badenoch has rather stupidly said she'll work with him so long as tax rises are off the table. This is the ecconomics of the mad house. The system is broken and it will cost cash. You cannot fix such things with scotch mist. It will be expensive. But it needs doing and a grown up adult politician should recognise this.

Burnham is also talking about reform of education, to move the focus from University courses to actually teaching skills the economy needs. I fully support this. I think the focus on exam grades is crazy. People use Ofsted tables to decide where to send their kids. Everyone is obsessed with exams, and not with making rounded human beings. 

Is Burnham the man to put the wheels back on? Only time will tell, but for all those hoping Burnham fails, if he does it damages the UK. You may think the UK is beyind repair, but it looks to me that Burham doesn't, so maybe if you are really a patriot you should believe in our country and hope for all our sakes Burnham fixes adult social care and education. I do. 

If school is the best time of your life, why do I still have nightmares about it aged 63?

 Of all the myths and old cobblers we are told, the worst is that our schooldays are the best of our lives. If I am honest, I actually enjoyed the last couple of years at Orange Hill, but I enjoyed myself far more when I left. Until that, it had been awful. I still have nightmares about it. There are three that seem to recurr pretty regularly. The first is that I've had to go back to school and I don't know when any of the lessons are or which classroom they are in. I don't even know what subjects I am doing or why I am actually there. I also don't recognise any of my classmates. Perhaps it is my brain preparing me for dementia, when I have no idea who anyone is or whats going on ( I have no symptoms and have not been diagnosed and I think I know what is going on as much as anyone). The second dream is worse. I have left Orange Hill and returned to FCHS, which I pretty much hated all of the time. The reason is that I decided I wanted to a physics A level with John Shuttler, who was a brilliant teacher. I decided to stick it through, only to find out he's left. In this dream I do know people and they all treat me with hostility for leaving and then coming back. 

The third dream is the worst. I am in an exam and the teacher won't give me the exam paper. Everyone else has started but they refuse to engage with me. I suspect that this was instigated by a memory at FCHS, a teacher who didn't like me, deliberately gave me the wrong English literature mock O' Level paper. It was for the other group, who were doing the same books, but with a different teacher. I didn't realise until Miss Amy Walsh, a miserable retired nun, who hated me, read out the marks. She gave me zero. I was slung out. Her response to my protestations was "If you can't do the right paper you don't deserve to do an O level". For the record, had she marked it against the other groups paper, I would have passed, as I an remember thinking it was easy.The only good thing was it meant I no longer had to endure her droning, boring lessons. 

When I left FCHS, the concept that I would ever be successful as a writer seemed bizarre. Of course blogs were not invented. I can only wonder what she thought if she ever heard that I have had works published as an author and for The Guardian, as well as for various online publications. She was not the worst by a long chalk, apart from trying to sabotage my education. She was miserable and sarcastic and didn't like me, but hardly registered on my table of loathing. The worst was undoubtedly Mr Daniel Coughlan, head of the lower school. I could list many things, but the worst was when he punched me in the throat and then kicked me, when I fell to the ground unable to breath. When I finally managed to get myself together, he told me that if I told anyone, I'd be expelled and that would be the end of my education. I suspect that even he realised he'd gone to far. I was either 11 or 12 at the time. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I lost all trust and respect for teachers and I learned to keep as far away from them as possible. If you see me mention a teacher on this blog and say nice things about them (as I did about John Shuttler) it is because they earned the respect. 

Recently at my wife's 60th birthday, an old FCHS schoolmate was there. We were discussing our class for 1-5B -1973-78. A former school secretary informed me that we were the worst class in the history of the school. We brought shame and disgrace on the school, when we rioted during a religious retreat at a Church Centre. I it wasn't for the fact that 17 of our class participated, I am sure that the perpetrators would have been expelled, but when half the class owns up, it gives a difficult and unique problem for a school. The headmaster at the time, Nick Kelly was totally humiliated. I was not involved. I would have been, but I knew the priest running the retreat. He had used to run the Alter Servers at The Sacred Heart. His name was Fr Cowan and I had always got on well with him, so he invited me for tea and biscuits in his office, when the riot occurred. He was keen to know how the family were getting on. I think he'd been at teacher training college with my sister Catherine.  Kelly accused me of lying and being a coward when I didn't admit to participating in the riot. I was lucky because Fr Cowan was there and was my alibi. I think my Father would have half murdered me, had I participated.

I felt very sorry for our form tutor, Mrs Alison Shuttler, who clearly had the shame of being the form tutor for the schools most disgraceful class. She didn't deserve it. The school was banned from all future retreats. When I was chatting with my mate, I said that I think the only thing I really learned at FCHS was the art of logistics. We would regularly cause mayhem and attack other classes, as well as school buildings. We would meticulously plan such things and even leave false trails, so other classes got the blame. If we could successfully cause mayhem and not get caught, we all thought it a marvellous success. Perhaps the most perverse aspect of my time was that I probaly got the cane six times from Kelly, but in almost all cases, it was not for things I'd done. I did far worse and got away with it. 

Maybe he just knew and so used any excuse to cane me. Perhaps the only lesson I learned was that corporal punishment, in fact any punishment, is ineffective if you punish the wrong person. I used to bear grudges, so each time it happened, I was determined to get even. In truth, long before I was slung out, I came to the conclusion that Kelly was not up to the job intellectually. He used to chair 'religious debates' in our class. He would pick the child he thought was thickest to propose the anti church line and that brightest pupil to put the argument for the church's viewpoint. We were informed at each lesson, what the debate would be the following week. Kelly picked me to put the argument for birth control. My sister Val was a nurse at the time and helped me prepare, as well as getting me a load of leaflets from family planning clinics, that I left on everyone's desk.  I had an extremely sound argument, and my classmates had the source material. I think I had 5 minutes alloted to make the case for birth control. 

After two minutes, Kelly called a halt, slung me out of the class and wrote a letter to my father stating that I was involved in 'spreading evil anti church propoganda'. Val rather kindly wrote a letter of reply on behalf of my Dad. She was good at forging his signature. Apparently, according to her letter, my Dad had beaten 'common sense' into me. Kelly seemed pleased at the result. I simply concluded that he was too thick to refute my arguments. I think he realised that I hel him in contempt after that, which probably contributed to my early exit.

At subsequent debates, Kelly would never take questions from me, would not engage. I made sure I passed RE O'level just to annoy him. He would often inform me that "you are not as clever as you think you are", which bemused me slightly because he gave no example of why I was actually wrong. Another of his favorites was to inform me "They are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you". The last time he used this, a mate of mine Pat Walsh interjected "No sir, we are laughing with him, it was funny". 

In June 1977, I saw The Ramones and discovered pun rock. I was 14. Almost immediately, I immersed myself in the music and the philosophy of punk rock. It made life bearable. Very few of my school mates got punk. For me it was a liberation. I realised, more or less straight away, that I wanted to be in a band and make my life about music. I started to bunk off lessons and go on expiditions into London. I would read the New Musical Express from cover to cover. I started doing all manner of part time jobs, as we wanted to buy musical equipment. I lost all interest in school. I realised the need to get exams, but did none of the things needed. 

It was only when I went to Orange Hill, that I got the balance right. The atmosphere was different, I had no baggage and the teachers talk to you, not at you. I ended up with nine O Levels and two A levels and when I left I felt it had been a great experience. There were about five bands at the school, the most successful being The Polecats. Boz Boorer and Phil Polecat were in my year. But it took me a very long time before I could even get a 221 to Finchley without feeling uneasy.

I've tried many times to write a song about my time at school. I love Baggy Trousers by Madness. Chas Smash was ex FCHS, a few years above me. We all believed it was about FCHS, but it isn't. Suggs and Chrissy Boy didn't go there. If by chance, the band ever becomes rich and famous, I might write a whole Ska Opera about the school. It would make a great film. I realised that my schooling, especially with my dyslexia, was so awful that few people would actually associate with my experiences. No one has had the cane in a UK state school since 1987, the year after Tom, our trumpet player was born, so the experience of waiting to be caned is a dying memory. To be honest, it was wasn't the worst thing. Being in an environment controlled by sadists and fools was. 

When I was eighteen and I'd left Orange Hill, I went and lived in Stockholm for six months. My Swedish friends did not believe that schools in the UK still used the cane (no AI to check back then). When the False Dots did our tour of Stockholm in 1982, we played a gig at Tumba Gymasium in Stockholm. We got a tour of the facilities and did a Q&A with the sixth formers, who were our age. I could not get my head around the fact that they were all treated as adults by the school.

This film was made the year before I arrived at FCHS. I found it fascinating and disturbing in equal measures. Enjoy....

The Sunday Reflection #93 - Waking up with a feeling of deep trepidation and doom

 What is going on? I woke up with a sense of deep trepidation. A feeling that everything is about to go terribly wrong and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop any of it. I was in a state of total panic. There was no rational reason, but I am a deeply superstitious person and I believe that we do get inclings of bad things in the pipeline. 

I got to thinking about my Dad. In our last proper conversation he told me about the night his bomber was shot down. In the morning, his reaar gunner and best mate Spud Murphy told him he'd had a terrible nightmare that they'd been shot down bombing the oilfields in Ploesti, Romania. He told Dad that he was in the turrets dying in flames with machine gun bullets in his chest. The crew were on their last mission and Dad wanted to get home. Spud begged Dad to skip the op if Ploesti was announced as the target. Dad told him that he couldn't, just because someone had a nightmare. When the target was announced, Spud turned white and was terrified. Dad told him that it would be fine and they'd all be going home tomorrow. 

As they approached the target, a bizarre thing happened. In the co-pilot, another pilot from his squadron, Jack Scheider, who had been shot down the previous week appeared. He said to Dad "Laurie, it's a killer the way these Wimpeys go down". Before he could react or process the information, a German night fighter attacked, shooting out an engine and the rear turret. Dad did the standard evasion manouvre, but the fighter attacked again. The crew bailed out. apart from Spud. Dad just got out in time. He told me that as he was bailing out, he said a prayer to the Virgin Mary, asking to be spared and to be given his three score and ten. When Dad was recounting this, he said he was now worried. He was 69, in his three score and tenth year. The deal was about to expire. Rather like Dad told Spud, I told him not to be silly. 

I then said to Dad "That must've been the worst day of your life". He looked at me and welled up slightly. He said "Oh no, when your Mum was diagnosed with cancer and the Doctor told me she would be dead within three years and we had to make arrangements, that was worse". I was surprised. Dad explained "When you are a bomber pilot in a war, you are prepared and trained for such things. You become hardened as you see mates in other crews die, when you are shot down, you are too busy trying to survive to worry too much. When Mum was ill, I was totally unprepared and had no control. There was nothing I could do". I was shocked to silence. Dad then said "I was lucky though, I spoke to Fr Traynor (and elderly catholic priest and Dad's best friend). He told me that when there is no hope, you always have prayer. Pray for Gods mercy and the strength to do the right thing whatever". 

Dad then said "Never forget that, when all seems lost. Prayer will always get you through". At the time I was an atheist. I didn't want to insult Dad and tell him it was all mumbo jumbo. What struck me and made me re-examine my views on such things, was the extraordinary resilience and strength my Dad had. He never really seemed to be phased by anything. I always had the feeling that whatever happened, he'd find us a way through. Whatever I may think of his faith and sometimes strange religious ways, it worked for him in a way that was undeniable. What was odd was that he combined aspects of Roman Catholicism with superstitions of the local aboriginal population where he was born in the outback of Australia. He believed he could make weather. He would turn off the radio if "The Sun aint gonna shine anymore" came on. He believed that you could kill people just by wishing them dead, but if you did, your soul would be bound to them and you'd likely end up in hell. He believed that any deal made with God was unbreakable, but you had to be careful, as he found out with his 'three score and ten' deal. He didn't return to Australia after the war until 1976, as a gypsy had read his fortune before he left and told him that if he left, he'd never returned. My mother told me that on the flight to Australia in 1976, he told her that the plane would crash and it was her fault for not trusting the Gypsy curse. Mum dismissed it.

Which brings me back to this morning. I was lying there in an abject sense of panic. I thought of Dad and that conversation and took his advice. I said a prayer. The panic eased and I felt more able to face the day. Bad things may happen. Bad things always happen. We face them and we do what we can to get through them. One of the things my Dad cautioned me with was "Whatever happens, stay calm and composed and make rational decisions. You can't stop bad times, but you can get through them and good times will come again". 

I feel a lot better now. Have a wonderful Sunday. I hope nothing bad happens to you, me or anyone we love today. Here is a little piece of punk rock, written in my bedroom, with my then bandmate Pete Conway, as we drove my poor old Dad mad learning guitar. This was pretty much a diatribe against his views on everything, as I was a disaffected teenager. I have come to the conclusion that it was me who was probably WRONG!

The Saturday List #504 - We don't live in America! 20 differences between the British and our American cousins

The False Dots just released our brand new album, We don't live in America. We released it on Independence day (July 4th), celebrating the parting of the ways. It was also released in the middle of the World Cup in America. Donald Trump announced that it was the best world cup ever. Well it was if you like cheating, hugely expensive seats, hydration breaks, half time shows, games played in excuciating heat and delays due to thunderstorms. 

The title track lists 20 differences beyween us and our beloved cousins - The bit in Red italics is my notes to explain

1. We don’t have a president with big big cars - When you see the head of state on state business, he's in a horse drawn carriage. The US President has a nuclear bomb proof car and an entourage. Mind you, we tend to try and assassinate our head of states less frequently. 

2. We don’t have a flag which has any stars - People often forget that the Union Jack celebrates the Christian history of the UK, with the crosses of St George, St Andrew and St Patrick. I once wound up a US fundamentalist colleague who was sounding off, by pointing out the US flag contained fifty pentagrams, which are symbols of the occult, whilst the UK flag was clearly Christian. He got extremely upset, but he had been spouting rubbish in the pub for twenty minutes, so I wasn't too concerned. I also wound up a National Front supporter in the 1980's by congratulating him on his celebration of Ireland and St Patrick by waving the Union Jack. The poor sausage did not realise what the flag meant! 

3. We don’t fry villains in Electric chair! - Well this is pretty self explanatory. The UK realised in the 1960's that Capital punishment does not stop murderers. The US disagrees, but if you look at the relative murder rates, it is pretty hard to argue that they are right.

4. We’re not allowed guns and we don’t care - A big difference. The Americans believe that having a gun keeps them safe. The number of school shootings, the murder rate and the fact that people feel the need to have a gun, to me shows that we've got this one right.

5. We call all our mates something rude - Having worked for several American companies and having an American brother in law and having travelled extensively in America, I notice that they do not have the British habit of calling people rude names when you like them. An American I knew once asked me how the British actually knew if they liked each other. I replied that when we don't like each other we are generally extremely polite and avoid each other. When this doesn't work, we smack each other in the gob. Because we don't have guns, this is usually the end of the matter. Often after Gobs have been smacked, we the achieve a state of mutual respect, although in my childrens generation this descent into casual violence is frowned upon. 

6. We love a cup of tea to wash down food - Americans simply do not get tea. They don't have decent tea. They don't heat the water properly. They don't put proper milk in it. If you ask for tea, they give you sub optimal options, that do not include PG Tips. No wonder they don't drink the stuff. 

7. We knock back beers with indecent hurry - Americans have a strange relationship with alcohol. Most of the Anglophile Yanks I know have a love of British Beer and the way we quaff it back. Like their tea, the major American brwers make undrinkable slop. There are great US microbreweries. In the US, car culture means that people don't get the bus or train, so they tend not to get bladdered with their mates and stagger home.

8. And have three more with a Ruby Murrey - For those who don't know, a Ruby Murray is cockney rhyming slang for a curry. I have had curries in America and some have been OK, but you would not find a restaurant like the Mill Hill Tandoori, with the local Rugby club knocking back beers and eating the hotest Vindaloo

9. Restaurant portions aren’t that big - When you go to US restaurants, the  portions are enormous. I am someone who likes their food, but when you get a plate with so much food that you couldn't possibly eat it, to me it is offputting and seems vulgar. You simply do not get UK restaurants that serve 16oz steaks as the regular portion. 

10. But then again we're not greedy pigs - The British are quite happy with moderately sized portions. We want the right amount of food on our plate, not so much that we need a 'doggy bag'. My wife moans if portions are too big!

11. Chips are something we eat with fish - If you ask for chips in America, you get crisps. They call chips 'French Fries'. Generally they are not proper chips either. They are the McDonalds style things,thin and covered in salt. A big bugbear of mine is that you cannot get malt vinegar in most US restaurants. Anyone who is sane knows that malt vinegar with salt is the only proper accompanyment for chips (unless you are in Brussels, when you have mayonaisse and mussels). 

12. Roast beef dinner is our national dish - When I wrote this I realised that I didn't know what the US national dish is. So I asked AI. This is the response "The United States has no official national dish, though the hamburger, hot dog, and apple pie are widely seen as the top unofficial symbols of American food." - Can you imagine anything sadder?

13. We drink warm beer, kick round footballs - An American colleague visiting London for the first time was excited to try British ale. I took him to The Fitzroy on Charlotte Street, a Sam Smiths pub and got him a pint of bitter. He almost gagged as it was warm and tasted like bitter. He decided to stick to cold lager. As to footballs, even Donald Trump acknowledged that American Football is a misnomer. Footballs should be kicked and to do that effectively, it requires a round football. 

14. We love the proms at the Albert Hall - I love the electric proms. It is put together by the BBC, an organisation the American right despise. The Albert Hall was commissioned by Queen Victoria as a Palace for the people to mourn her dead husband. Trump is giving America the Whitehouse Dancehall to entertain his mates. 

15. Liz was the boss, now we’ve got a King - My sympathies have always been republican. You cannot defend a hereditary monarchy. And then along comes Trump and you wish that Queen Elizabeth II was the perfect head of state. As for Charles, I am warming to him.

16. He wears a crown and genuine Bling -  Our monarchs do bling properly. I get the feel Trump is jealous. He'd like a big gold crown, the biglyiest crown ever!

17. We moan at the bus stop in the rain - The British do public transport. The Yanks don't. When Margaret Thatcher stated that any man over 35 on a bus was a failure, I realised she was out of touch. She clearly had never got the bus to the pub for a few sherbets with her mates. She'd clearly spent too much times with Americans. We also love a good moan about the weather. 

18. And dream of a holiday over in Spain - Less than half of the US population have a passport and I don't think I've ever met a single Yank in Benidorm. Having been to Florida and California, I concede that they have fine beaches. I discussed this with a Yank and he extolled the beaches and the surfing. I explained that most people who go to Benidorm or Ibaz don't go to the beach, they spend the time getting bling drunk, stoned and trying to have illicit sex with strangers. He was horrified. Of course, when I go to Spain, I go with the missus and soak up the culture! 

19. If you want a ciggie it’s an oily rag!  - More rhyming slang. When I wrote the song, I was initially drawing attention to the fact that the common slang for s cigarette in the UK is a Fag, which is a derogatory term for a gay person in America. I realised this might seem offensive, so I used the term oily rag. I have no idea what a Texan would do if you asked the if they had a spare oily rag. 

20 .When you see the Queen she don’t wear drag - In the UK, if you mentioned the word Queen, we'd think of Elizabeth. In America they think of things like Ru Paul's drag race. It is a linguistic difference that intrigues me, as Elizabeth dressed very modestly, except when doing official roles. When Liz used to bling up and open Parliament, no one could compete! I used to work with a US music producer, who was a cross dresser. Dennis was a wonderful chap. He told me that he got to see the Queen at a function once. He said he was really disappointed that she was dressed in completely normal attire. 

You can see The False Dots launch the album at The Dublin Castle on Sunday 23rd August from 2pm CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

Rock and Roll Stories #71 - Dave the roadie, we salute you!

On the latest album by The False Dots, we have a track called Dave the Roadie, celebrating all of the people who came on this mad journey with us, but were not musicians. They drove, lugged gear, hung around. Some weren't even especially keen on our music, but just loved the crack of being part of a band.  The song is a mash up of about five people we knew, who played the role at some point. However there is one main character who inspired the song. I won't name him as he's still got a job and I don't want to embarrass him, as he's a changed man! Back in the day, he'd hanga around with us, he learned to drive at an early age and had access to a van. It is almost impossible to describe what being part of the False Dots was like in the very early years. There were always all manner of illicit substances being passed around. I was far more of a drinker than anyone else in the band and our entourage. We'll call our Roadie Dave so you know who I am talking about. Dave wasn't into boozing at all. He liked to smoke a joint. He was the only person I knew who could roll a joint whilst drviing. I don't mean with skunk weed either, a proper one, where you heated resin and mixed it with tobacco. We didn't encourage this, as we didn't really want to die. He had a large ghetto blaster cassette player,  which he called Desmond. He'd put it on the back seat. He'd change cassettes whilst driving, completely ignoring the road. In hindsight, it was a miracle no one was mown down.

I knew Dave initially from being an Alter Server at the Catholic Church. Unlike me, he was a very good footballer. I suspect that if he hadn't me me and got involved with the band, he'd have been a pretty good semi pro. He played for Graham Park FC when they won the Hendon & District Sunday league cup at Hendon Town FC. When we were about 16, I told him he needed to get into rock and roll. I dragged him down to see The Dickies at The Marquee. Up until that moment, he dressed as a Chelsea casual. He went an overnight transformation. I had some electric clippers and cropped his hair at both sides, in a haircut I christened the "Turkos Tharg". He bought a pair of white striped trousers and a Dickies T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off. Dave was about 6'2 and a handsome bugger. Gorgeous girls would throw themselves at him and he was seemingly uninterested. To my surprise, at a Vibrators gig, an absolutely stunning girl tried to chat him up. He was far more intersted in her friend, who was far less exotic. I questioned him, he said "She had something to say, the other one was dull". 

After rehearsals and gigs, we'd assemble back in Bunns Lane. Dave lived in the caretakers cottage at the yard, where our studios are. We'd drink tea into the early hours and consume illicit copious amounts of things that are not entirely legal. Then at 1 or 2 am, we'd have a five a side kickabout. This would last an hour. We'd then drink more tea etc. We'd play on the asphalt roadway. if you fell over it was a scuffed knee. Sometimes, the Police would turn up. They believed us all to be raving junkies, but when we played five a side, we played hard. They would observe and be confused. 

During the tea drinking sessions, we would indulge in all manner of strange games. There was the barrel of doom. It was a card game where the loser would have to immerse themselve in an oil drum full of rain water, When we tipped it out, we found a load of dead rats at the bottom of it. Perhaps the most bizarre game was the "Pia Zadora challenge". This started when I made a throwaway comment about having an erotic dream about actress Pia Zadora. In the dream, she said she would do rude things to me, if I could balance upside down on a rotating chair, placed on a table and rotate myself through 360 degrees, using my feet on the ceiling. She held the chair whilst I attempted it. 

When I recounted this, Dave stated "lets see if we can do it". I am clumsy and hopeless at such things. However Dave managed it. Sadly Pia was not around to give him the prize. At gigs, he'd often drive us there and return to collect us, missing the set. One time, he forgot about us, only remembering at 3am, picking us up from outside a long closed pub in the rain. He made it clear that he didn't need to apologise, as he was doing us the favour driving. 

As so often happens, he eventually got a girlfriend and became less interested in hanging around with us lot, engaging in shenanigans. When he got a proper flat with her, it was more or less the end of the golden age of False Dots insanity. Several things persisted. Our five a side team, Goatybeard United lasted into the 1990's. He learned the saxophone and joined a pretty decent band. I have tried to get him to play with us on a couple of occasions, but as he's not in London, it is not really practical.

But the truth of it is that without Dave and his ilk, there would've been no rock and roll bands. He encouraged me to seek out far flung gigs as he enjoyed driving the van. Looking back there are many things I recall. Perhaps (for me) one of the funniest was after a gig at Tower Bridge. He'd borrowed a Mk 1 VW camper van off a mate called Emil. We took all the gear, the band and a few mates with us. On the way back, we acquired about five more mates to bring back. It seemed like every cubic inch of the van was taken, highly illegal. As we returned, we passed through Kilburn, I said "Dave, I need a pee, can you find somewhere quiet to stop". He turned off the Edgware Road and pulled into a leafy road. He stopped in a dark spot under a tree. I jumped out and started to pee into hedge. Then every door of the van opened, and all 17 people emerged and proceeded to pee in the front garden of the house we stopped outside of. A bloke in the bedroom heard the furore, put on the light and opened the curtains. He then opened the window and started shouting. To his amazement (I assume), we all disappeared into the van and drove off. 

At the time, the high spot of our set was a cover of Space Cowboy, by the Steve Miller Band. Dave and another mate, would guest as exotic dancers during the number. If ever I hear the song, I think of Dave.

He's a very respectable character now. At a friends funeral. we put up a selection of pictures from those mad times. Dave's son saw them and I heard him exclaim "Dad, you hypocrite!". He isn't though, sadly, like all of us, he just grew up! You can see the band at The Dublin Castle on Sunday 23rd August at The Dublin Castle CLICK HERE FOR CHEAP TICKETS

Have a listen. 

Kevin Keegan RIP

 Very very occasionally, it is not until someone passes away, that you realise the length of the shadow that their passing causes. When I heard of the passing of Kevin Keegan, it filled me with a profound sense of sadness and loss. As a player, Keegan to me was primarily an England icon. He ws a Liverpool player, I support Manchester City, so he was a rival, but as an England Centre Forward, he was a hero. He hit his peak at a time when England were dreadful. We had great players, amazing mavericks, but few got picked for England. But Keegan was something else. He was the face of Brut 33 aftershave! Many old school British men thought aftershaves were 'unmanly'. Brut hired British Boxing Champion Henry Cooper and Keegan to star in a TV advert. 

It worked, soon every time you jumped on a tube or the bus, you smelled the 'great smell of Brut'. It ws one of  the first, if not the first big TV advertising campaign to recognise the advertising pull of Sports people. It also meant that Keegan trascended the world of football. With his curly locks and cheeky chappy demeanour, he became a superstar. But he was also a great footballer, being a prolific scorer at Scunthorpe, Liverpool, Hamberger SV, Southampton and Newcastle. 

As a manager, he managed Newcastle, Fulham, England and Manchester City.  Keegan won the first divisiion (Championship) with City and secured their future as a Premiership club. As a City fan, I loved Keegan's approach, He didn't have money, but he had charisma and brought optimism. He is probably better remembered for his time at Newcastle, but wherever he went at club level, he improved the team. His England stint was not success and he realised that it wasn't for him. 

Keegan was one of the faces of the 1970's. He played football when it was still a working class sport, huge crowds, cheap entry and no frills. He made it seem glamorous. He was only 75 when he passed away, far too young. He will be missed. 

World Cup 2026 - My final thoughts ( excuse the pun)

 Congratulations to Spain. Clearly the best team in the competition by some way. I am especially pleased that Rodri picked up the player of the tournament, as he is a Manchester City legend. He is a decent, humble player who makes his mark on the pitch. As has been the case throughout the tournament, Argentina seemingly had a free pass to kick opponents. Spain were good enough to rise above it. The game was awful though. Argentina didn’t manage a shot on target. The ‘half time show’ was appalling, and clearly did players no favours. The spectacle of Donald Trump lurking on the stage as Spain celebrated was bizarre and embarrassing. At the end, several players brawled like petulant children. 

Oddly the third place final was the opposite. A celebration of football. Great players had the shackles of fear removed and served up a ten goal treat. At the end, a huddle of French & English players formed a huddle to pray together. It was how it should be. No Trump stealing the limelight. I don’t know if it would be possible to remove the shackles and fear in a proper final. I suspect that the game would have been very different if both teams made the final, but it was a joy to watch.

What is clear is that the football authorities and lawmakers have turned the sport into a game that seemingly rewards cheats, is only about making cash and provides a platform to dodgy politicians to bask in other people’s glory.

On Saturday I’ll be back at Brickfield Lane to watch Hadley FC in a non league friendly. I’m sure it will be a better game. For clarity my comments above are not directed at Spain who I think are a marvellous team and have a wonderful country, and leaders who seem to have a moral compass 

The Saturday List #503 - My top ten memories of the 1960’s

 I was born in 1962. I was eight when the decade ended. I was thinking about the era a lot this week with Englands exit from the World Cup. I was 3 & 3/4 at the time. I have vague memories of the day. Not the football, but of a house full of excited people. Nothing much had happened in my life until then. But it wasn’t a vivid memory. As I recall I wasn’t that interested. Dad had a black and white telly and all sorts of people came around as not everyone had tellies. My brothers and their friends were especially excited. So what do I recall vividly?

1. The hearing clinic. I had a condition called elective mutism as a child. I chose not to talk. I can’t really remember why, probably to annoy everyone. I also realised that in our house, if you said the wrong thing you got clobbered. Mum took me to a clinic in Hartley Avenue to see if I was deaf. They told me that they had a machine that could tell if I lied, they could tell. They played frequencies and I had to press a button. It turns out I had perfect hearing. When I was four, I was at the table and exclaimed ‘I wanna piece of cake’. I never looked back. I don’t recall that, but I recall the clinic. BTW Albert Einstein also displayed elective mutism as a child. He was also dyslexic.

2. Luke Albanese moving in. The next door neighbour was a librarian called Mrs Bent. She moved out and a young mum with a two year old moved in. I was 4 I was excited. I asked him his name. He replied ‘chair’ He’s still a mate, although we don’t meet up enough.

3. First day at St Vincent’s. My primary school. I recall walking into the class. Dale Malone, who lived up the road was my buddy. It was after Easter, Everyone else knew each other. The classroom seemed massive. Sister Rosalie was the teacher. I won’t repeat what Dale told me!

4. Man City vs Man Utd in 1968. My brother Frank, 16 years older and a Man Utd fan told me I should support Man Utd. He said Utd were playing City. He said if they won they’d win the league. They lost. I became a City fan

5. My brothers 21st Birthday party. A big doo. Lots of people around. We had an outside bog and a bathroom upstairs. Mum put signs directing ladies upstairs and men outside. To mums horror the blokes all went down the end and pee’d on tree.

6. Harrier Jump Jet landing at St Pancras Station. Dad took me down to see this. It was amazing. It was part of the 1969 transatlantic race.

7. Audition for Heinz Baked Beans commercial. It was 1968, I recall it well. I got the gig because none of the other key ds would eat cold beans. I greedily scoffed them down. The director asked if I liked cold beans. I replied ‘no I’m acting’ - job done!

8. My brother Frank’s wedding. He bought me a play toolset as a present for being an alter server. I used the saw to saw the leg off a chair in the church hall. I got into a lot of trouble.

9.The release of Penny Lane by The Beatles. Radio 1 announced they were playing it. My sister Val took me to her mate Linda Finlay’s to listen to it. They voted it a Miss.

10. New Year’s Eve 1969/70. My sister Caroline announced that it would be an exciting new decade and even better than the 60’s. She told me that she would have lived in three decades whilst I’d only have lived in two. It seemed unfair. 

Have a great weekend 

England - The morning after the night before

 So for the 15th time, since 1966, it aint coming home. 60 years of hurt continue. To be completely honest, only in 1970 and 1986 did I genuinely think we had teams that might have deserved to win, and after I saw Brazil beat England 1-0 in 1970, I had no qualms agreeing that Brazil deserved it. But I think if Gordon Banks had been well, we'd have been in the final. In 1986, I genuinely feel we were cheated. Sure, Maradona scored a wonder goal, but his first goal was the worst, most blatent bit of cheating ever. They won it. It has always stuck in my throat.

This time?  No complaints. England became so passive after they scored that they deserved nothing. Argentina are a horrible team, they should have had a dozen yellow cards in the first half, but when England scored, we saw a brilliant display from Argentina. If there is a tragedy with them, it is that they can play great football, but are so wrapped up in cheating that this is obscured. I believe Spain will win comfortably. I like Spain, so maybe I am biased. 

As for England? I'd sack Tuchel. He was employed to make the right calls in big games. He couldn't have got it more wrong, in Southgate we had a manager who did well against the lesser teams, we thought we had a man to beat the big boys. The FA should get Pep Guardiola in. Guardiola knows the players better than anyone, as he managed in the Premiership longer than anyone since Fergie and is a proven multiple winner. 

However, what the FA really needs to do is take a proper look at the structure of English football. Why are we incapable of producing decent managers. In the 1970's, we were spoilt for choice. Joe Mercer, Bob Paisley,  Don Revie, Ron Greenwood, Brian Clough, Bobby Robson, Terry Venables, Bertie Mee, Dave Sexton, were all successful and internationally respected. Now there are two in the Premiership. Eddie Howe and Sean Dyche. There is no clamour for them as England managers. We don't make top managers anymore. That is a failure of the FA and British football. I do not think that the England manager has to be English, but the fact that we don't even have any candidates is awful.

As for last night. We had two of the best players in the tournament in Kane and Bellingham, yet played a system that was not designed to play to their strengths. We have Messi the free run of the park after England scored. What did Tuchel think would happen? Dan Byrne is not an England standard defender. If Messi is the problem, Dan Byrne is not the answer. We had players who can turn a game, such as Cole Palmer and Phil Foden sat at home. We took off Gordon, who was the only player holding on to the ball and running at players, inviting pressure on. I would have left Gordon or Bellingham up by the halfway line, so that Argentina couldn't compress us. We had no one to bring on as a pressing defensive midfield player to bring on when Rice ran out of steam. 

Modern International football seems to consist of around 70 minutes of the ball being passed along the back four, 10 minutes of people rolling around pretending to be hurt, 5 minutes of standing around waiting for set pieces and 5 minutes of real action if you are lucky. We have meaningless stats galore, trying to persuade us that it is wonderful. In truth, until Gordon scored, the match was boring beyond belief. England scoring turned it into a real humdinger. 

I've no complaints. If I was an Argentinan, I'd be absolutely delighted with the performance. Most of all with the gumption their team showed. England seemed to have all of the creativity coached out of them. I reckon I may live to see 4-5 more world cups. Will I ever see England lift the trophy (I did in 1966 but I was 3)? I don't know, but if I do, I hope it is built on creativity and taking chances, rather than playing six defenders to defend a 1-0 lead for half an hour. 

Anyway, that is the footie done for the summer, now its on to music! Here is The False Dots 2023 hit, with a brand new video!

Come on England! My thoughts on the Englands chances

 I swore I wouldn't do this, but as I suspected I've got a bit wrapped up in it all. Holding the tournament in thhe orange ogre has not made me happy. If just about anyone else had been President I would have gone, but not with him there. My sister lives in the USA so I'd love to have visited.

But I cannot watch a game and not get involved. When it is England I simply have to watch. I didn't know what to expect. However, I was pretty sure that England had the best manager, and two of the best players in the tournament, as well as a solid back up cast. Like many tournaments, it started as a slow burner, but now we are at the business end of the tournament. There should be no jeopardy in the group phase for teams like England. This was the case. A commanding performance against Croatia set us up. A stutter against Ghana was unexpected, but didn't really matter. Panama was solid if unconvincing. 

So England started their knockout phase campaign. DR Congo were excellent, took the lead but Harry Kane came though with a brace. A pattern emerged. A poor first quarter. A stern talk and reorganisation from Tuchel and a vast improvement. So it was on to Mexico. A very difficult game with real jeopardy. Mexico were at a home, in a stadium that was not exactly lucky for England. But Bellingham stepped up.  Norway were up next. Once more a poor start by England and Belllingham stepping up.

And England find themselves in the semi final. They are up against Argentina. A country that hates us. A country with possibly the greatest footballer ever in the team. They cruised through an easy qualifying group with little problem. However the knockout games have all proven controversial, with highly iffy refereeing and a clear bias towards Argentina. It seems likely that Cape Verde, Egypt and Switzerland will be cheering England, feeling rather cheated. There is a perception that FIFA want Messi to win the tournament. It will be good for business. It will be in the back of the England players minds that they will get no favours. 

I normally have a feeling how things will go, this time I find it incredibly hard to call. I think England will need a superb performance and three goals to win. I think Messi will get a goal and maybe make one. But I also think we have Bellingham and Kane and they can make all the difference. I'm going to go 3-2 to England. However I do think that they will not get the run of the ball and that come the end of the night I may be feeling even more sick and disgusted than I did when Maradona scored the "Hand of God" goal. I just have this sickening vision of Infantino, Messi and Trump all poncing about waving the world cup on Sunday and saying that a clearly rigged tournament was the best ever.  I just hope I'm wrong. An Egyptian friend told me that he doesn't normally like England, but he hopes we win 8-0 and Messi gets sent off. 

Here's a bit of fun The False Dots put together. Enjoy!

 

Anne Widdecombe - The awful truth

 My mother used to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything". She was wrong. But there are times when saying nothing, keeping a respectful silence and sending condolensces to friends and family and people who are personally affected is appropriate, and if you can't bring yourself to do that, maybe you are the problem and not the solution. I'm not going to speculate on how or why Anne Widdecombe met her death. I don't know and the last thing anyone wants is uninformed commenters speculating. But I do have this to say. I was brought up to believe that any form of violence against women is plain wrong,  a hundred times more so when they are a defenceless old lady. So I will be sending my thoughts and prayers to the friends of Anne Widdecombe as I cannot imagine how traumatic and horrible the situation is. 

The way we achieve political change in the UK is via the ballot box. If you don't get that then you really have nothing of interest to say to me. 

The Sunday Reflection #92 - Who are the traitors?

 I used to work a stones throw from the Tower of London. I had to actually walk through it to get to my office from Tower station. Oddly, I've never been inside to see the Crown jewels. In fact I have a deep aversion to the building and it gives me the creeps. I am not silly enough to want to see it demolished and replaced with a block of flats, that would be ridiculous, but the building has a terrible history. I am not quite sure whether this aversion dates from my times at St Vincent School, where Irish nuns would regale us with tales of British inhumanity and injustice, and how heads of 'traitors' would be placed on spikes outside the tower, as a warning to anyone who might consider opposing the monarch of the day. 

It may also have been down to the fact that an ancestoral relative of mine, Chidiok Tichborne, a poet and an opponent of Queen Elizabeth the first was held in the tower and hung, drawn and quartered for his role in the Babbington plot. For me, I have always felt an affinity with Chidiok. He is 400 years (almost to the day) younger than me. He was an idealistic young man, who wanted a better world. Chidiok joined the Babbington plot in response to Queen Elizabeth banning Roman Catholicism. It seems insane in this day and age that a Christian religion, which had recently been the state religion could be banned and the followers persecuted, but that was the climate in which Chidiok lived.

My father, a proud Roman Catholic, always mentioned with great pride that three Tichbornes are listed as official Roman Catholic Martyrs in the annals of the Catholic Church, Chidiok was the most high profle, but Thomas Tichborne, a Catholic Priest and Nicholas Tichborne, who helped spring him from prison, were also executed by the English state. Catholic worship was banned in England until 1781 and in 1829 Catholics were once again allowed to hold public office.

I am not a historian, however I think there are some important lessons to be learned from history. If we do not learn such lessons, then we may make the same mistakes again. I find the concept of people killing each other over religious differences to be completely sick. The fact that there are many places in the world this still happens is a stain on humanity. Fortunately, Catholics and Protestants seem to have moved on (although there are still tensions in places like Glasgow and Northern Ireland). In England, the main cause of the schism was the dispute between Henry VIII and the Pope over the annulment of his marriage. By most measures, now we'd consider Henry to be a psychopath and a sociopath. He had ultimate power and could exercise it in England as he saw fit. 

What the Nuns at St Vincents never really taught us was that there was more to the Potestant cause than just Henry's loins. The Vatican at the time was a deeply flawed institution. Many such as Martin Luther felt that it had lost its way and was more about maintaining unstitutional power than spreading the message of peace and love. When I researched the issue, I was quite disturbed to find that the deeper I dug, the more I agreed with Luther's criticisms of the Church. Had I been around at the time and heard Luthers criticisms, I may well have lined up on his side. As both the Pope and Henry weilded power without balances and checks, Europe descended into a dark period of religious war. 

Fast forward to 2026. We have Donald Trump as the most powerful man on the planet. He fires anyone who disagrees with him. He has launced a war against a theocracy in Iran, where the Mullah's control the country and have a despised religious police to enforce their edicts. The more I see of Trump, the more he reminds me of Henry VIII. He is partial to a wife or three. He portrays himself as a ' defender of the faith' whilst completely ignoring the basic principles of the religion (fhonesty, forgiveness, faithfulness). 

More worrying for me, is the demonisation of Islam on social media. I am not a Muslim, but I know many honest, decent and caring people who are. I believe that seeing their religion constantly being abiused by people who know nothing about it, is extremely dangerous. Given the history of this century, it would be naive and stupid to deny that there are a small minority of very dangerous radical islamists who have shown themselves to be hellbent on causing death and destruction. But they are a tiny minority in their community. There are similarly dangerous, mentally unstable people in all faith communities. The history of England has plenty of examples of religious crime. Sadly, if we look at nations such as the USSR and China, which adopted atheism as the national faith system, it is no better. 

To me, the lesson is that unchecked power is the problem. Whether that power is hard power, as used by Donald Trump, or soft power, where people submit to "infallible religious authority" my view is that without checks and balances, people are repressed and death and misery follows. 

I started this blog discussing The Tower of London. It's most famous entrance traitors gate, was where many entered to meet their fate. It may seem strange to some that the last person executed at the Tower was in living memory,  was Josef Jakobs, a German spy, who was shot by a military firing squad on August 15, 1941. I believe that the term traitor is much misused. To me, a traitor is someone who willfully sells out friends or a principle for a degree of personal gain. My ancestor Chidiok Tichborne did not betray his beliefs. Of course if you try and assinate a monarch and get caught, it will not end well. But to me he is not a traitor. His poetry, inspired the final song on my bands new album. His poem, written the night before his execution, makes up the middle eight. This one is for you, my spiritual brother.

Traitors (To The Tower)

 
The darkest secret is the one that you hide from yourself
You're terrified that it will emerge from the back of the shelf
We built those walls of stone to keep the fear in
But it's the cancer in our soul that denies the truth of our sin
 
The tower holds the jewels
But its meaning is a tool
And behind the smiling face
Are the darkest of places
 
The darkest secrets of our kings and queens
 
(The Tichborne Elegy)
My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
And all my good is but vain hope of gain;
The day is past, and yet I saw no sun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
My tale was heard and yet it was not told,
My fruit is fallen, and yet my leaves are green,
My youth is spent and yet I am not old,
I saw the world and yet I was not seen;
My thread is cut and yet it is not spun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
I sought my death and found it in my womb,
I looked for life and saw it was a shade,
I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb,
And now I die, and now I was but made;
My glass is full, and now my glass is run,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
 
The tower holds the jewels
But it's meaning is a tool
And behind the smiling face
Are the darkest of places
 
The darkest secrets of our kings and queens X 4

The Saturday List #502 - Thirteen ways I've been blessed with good luck!

 When it comes down to it, I am a lucky sod. In my life I've been blessed wth the most amazing luck. It seems to me that even when things have been bad, they've always worked out well. So I think it justifies a list

1. I was meant to be born on the 5th October 1962. My mum became very unwell and I was induced and born in August instead. I was very ill, I had three blood transfusions.You may think that such a start to life would be a bad thing? For me, it was a massive stroke of luck. It meant that I was in the year before I should have been. I was, for most of my schooling, the smallest, weakest, thickest child in the class. Given that some of my classmates were actually over a year older than me biologically, it was difficult. But it had several bonuses. I didn't start school (which I hated) until the April, rather than in September. It also meant that I had some key friends in my year, who have played a massive part in my musical career. Had I been born when I should of been, I probably wouldn't have been friends with them.

2. I was the youngest of six children. This meant that I had two elder brothers and three elder sisters on my side in life. They influenced my musical career and have always supported me throughout my life. I'd be lying if I said I never argue with them, but I love them all to death.

3. My father was an Australian RAF war veteran. By any measure, my Dad was an absolute hero. He was a role model and instilled in me an unshakeable self belief. Dad always taught me to be self sufficient and trust my instincts. He taught me to never show fear, even when I was terrified. He taught me that in life we always have choices, but a bad choice today means a more difficult choice tomorrow. He always supported me and in our last conversation, he told me that he had thought me to be a useless waster when I was a teenager, but he realised he was wrong. He had mistalen my stubborness and self belief for just being a difficult contrary person, but he'd realised I was just living life to my own rules, which he approved of. 

4.  My Mother was the daughter of an Irish immigrant. She was fiercely intelligent. She was in many ways very difficult, especially towards the end of her life. However she had the right values in life and great self belief. She reinvented herself and did very well in business. She was unafraid of taking risks. Like my father she was a great role model. I genuinely believe that good parents are the most lucky thing you can have. Bad parents are the opposite.

5. Clare. Without my wife, I have no idea how my life would have panned out, but I know it would have been worse. She has always supported me, done the heavy lifting and the boring stuff and given me three great kids. I've never actually been sure whether she likes me, but I know she loves me. 

6. My kids. Having great kids is the best blessing God can bestow on anyone. I never wanted kids, but was given no choice in the matter. Now I wish I'd had ten of the buggers. They are a joy I am a lousy father in many ways, but the all seem to love me. 

7. My faith. I don't tak about it much, but I have a deep, personal relationship with God. I daresay a few of you reading this will think "Oh no, he's a nutcase". I get that but I find that when I do the right things, good things happen. I don't pray for money, cars or even football results. I just pray for the wisdom to make the right decision. It is strange how often when I do I get a moment of clarity and I see the right path. When I hear things like US Presidents saying God told them to bomb Iraq, I despair. I genuinely believe that is not how it works. Sadly, I think most promenant, vocal Christians are the worst advert for faith imaginable. For me, God isn't a bloke with a white beard. God is someone who, in quiet, reflectful moments, you may get a better insight into life from, usually in a way you least expect. Often, this comes at the most difficult and challenging moments. But I get it that not everyone sees it and if you think its all mumbo jumbo that's fine. So long as we all keep our minds open and we appreciate what we've got in life that is enough!

8. The False Dots. I genuinely cannot imagine life without my band. In some ways it has given me everything. I met the person I love at one of our gigs. I started my business so I could have somewhere to rehearse with the band. I persuaded my Mother not to sell the site where our studios are for a pittance in 1989, after my father died, so I could have somewhere to rehearse. Myself and my siblings now manage the site and it has proven to be an amazing investment. But most of all, it is such a blast. I am proud of the music we make and I love my bandmates..

9. SPL International. In 1983, I did a TOPS course in Computer Operations. I wanted to get a job with a stable income, so I could move in with my then girlfriend. At the end of the course, they set me up with interviews at various companies. The first two places I went were horrible. The third interview was with a software company called SPL International. I had no expectations of getting the job, but my then boss, Peter Sutherby liked me. The job was brilliant. I worked there for two and a half years. Another software company called Systems Designers took them over and sadly the vibe was gone, but by then I had a proper career. 

10. Hadley FC. About eight years ago, my nephew suggested that I go with him to watch Hadley FC, a local Non League football team. I'd never heard of them. I thought it may be fun. When I got there I loved it.  My main football team is Manchester City FC, who I've supported through thick and thin since 1968, but Hadley is something very different. I am a season ticket holder and a shareholder. I met Tom Hammond, our trumpet player there. Whilst I am a City fan, I am part of Hadley FC.

11. Cancer. How can it be lucky to have cancer? I got very lucky. When I was 49, Dr Cuttell at Millway surgery suggested I had "a well mans MOT".  I was diagnosed with a non aggressive prostate cancer, following a high PSA test. I was put on active surveillance In 2015, it became aggressive and I had HIFU treatment. That addressed the issue until 2023, when it became aggressive again. I had a radical prostatectomy. Had I not had that PSA test, by now I'd probably have symptoms and be faced with very different choices. The year after I was diagnosed, the NHS stopped doing routine PSA tests. 

12. My friends. How lucky am I to have the great friends I have? Some of them date from the day I walked into St Vincents School. Some I've got to know in the last couple of years (such as Tom our trumpet player). All have brought blessings to me.

13. This blog. I never set out to be a blogger, it happened by accident. Being dyslexic. I didn't think anyone would be interested in my blatherings. But it seems they are. I get a lot out of writing the blog. I've met great people and learned so much researching it. It is a form of therapy for me. 

As I am sure you know, The False Dots releaased a new album last Saturday called "We don't live in America". Please have a listen

Rock and Roll Stories #70 - Sometimes recording sessions can be fun!

 For many bands, the most stressful experience of all is making recordings. There are reasons for this. It is expensive. You have to spend extended periods of time in the company of people and you get to see a different side of them. If you are serious, you have strong opinions. Often you get tired and hungry. Sometimes, drink and/or drugs cloud your judgement. Often musicians are more concerned that their virtuoso playing is showcased, rather than a brilliant end product is produced (some people only think it is brilliant if all you can hear is them noodling). I was chatting with our vocal coach, Josh Alumu yesterday. He's just back from working on a recording with two megastars. Mark Ronson was producing. I really rate Mark Ronson as a producer. If I had an unlimited budget and a new artist, I'd get Mark to produce it. I asked Josh what he's like. He said "He's a nice guy, really calm". This made me think. Being calm in the studio is something that is a massive asset. 

I have produced a fair number of artists over the years. Most of them have been new and up and coming artists, with little or no studio experience. Getting a performance from someone who is absolutely terrified in an alien environment is never easy. I only work with people I think have something. Often, they are so scared of making mistakes and embarrassing themselves, that they do not produce a performance. Having worked with a few vocal coaches in the studio, there are tricks that you learn to get people to produce a better performance, but ultimately if you are going to get a proper performance, you have to challenge people and push them to their limits and sometimes beyond. This has to be done in a sensitive and calm way. Once you an artist gets over their fear, often they start to have fun. A great artist will know their own talent better than anyone, and when they realise what they can do, all of a sudden you find that they have more to contribute than you dreamed.  When you are working with a solo artist, this is easy. When it is a band, it can cause problems. When bands first start recording, they all want to be involved. The drummer gets a very raw deal. They record first and then they are done. They have to hang around for hours/days/weeks, just watching everyone else do their bit. The same is pretty much true for the bass player. With the rythm section, when it is done, it is pretty much done (unless they do backing vocals). 

Guitarists, keyboards, brass are then done. Finally the vocals. Most producers etc do far more work on vocals, as this is what sells records. Often other members get frustrated that the vocalist gets so much attention. I had a mate who worked for a major record label. His job? To take the rest of the band to the pub and buy them beers, whilst the vocalist did their takes (and often whilst session musicians came in to replace their dodgy takes!).  I read an interview with one band, who complained that they didn't realise that the band were actually paying for this, as it got deducted from their royalty cheque. If you don't know the industry, it may sound shocking but if you do, you get it.

These days, I am lucky. I have my own studio and when I do work in it, it's free. That is one stress removed. Another stress removed is that we have all been around the block and know what we are doing. We focus on getting a great end product. But we also have fun. I think this shows in our music. It doesn't sound sterile and bland. We have a craic in the studio. Whereas when we first started, we used to get really stressed about playing the perfect performance, now we get that getting the right feel is more important. We get a kick out of coming up with ideas that sound great.

I've learned that the less stress you have in the studio, the better the result. My band, The False Dots has evolved into a very low stress organisation. We do our thing and we have fun. When we were recording our new album, We don't live in America, Tom the Trumpet suggested that we get a crew of friends in to do some chanting on the title track. We turned it into a party. Given the title, we suggested everyone brought their favourite beer from around the world (so long as it wasn't American, cos their beer is wee wee). We then went around and made a clip of everyone telling us what the beer was. We provided Pizza's as well. It was a good fun experience. 

It turned into a bit of a party and we had a blast. It was very different to our first recording, with Alan Warner back in 1980. We rehearsed solidly for a week and were all as uptight as it is possible to be. Alan did a great job, but we could hardly play and none of us wanted to be the one to let the band down. It actually turned out OK, but it was anything but fun. Growing up does have its benefits!

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