About forty years ago, I was awoken at 3am on a Sunday morning by a mate of mine, in an agitated state. I wasn't too thrilled to see him, but I always open my door if someone turns up out of the blue (and my mates have done the same to me when I needed them). I ushered him in and offered him a cup of tea. He was clearly not in a normal state of mind. I soon ascertained he'd taken a large amount of LSD and was in the middle of a trip. He explained that he'd come around as he knew I was sober (I wasn't drinking at the time) and he wanted 'someone who was straight who I can trust to listen'. He'd been with a group of mates and they'd all gone to Arrendene open space to 'enjoy the trip'. They had suddenly disappeared and he'd found himself alone. He had spent some time staring at the stars, when he'd had a revealation. It was really important that I took note of this and listend. So I did. He wanted it to be preserved for posterit. He knew that when he came down, he'd forget it and couldn't risk this.
My friend was a self identified atheist who considered all religion to be a 'load of old cobblers'. I've always respected my mates views, regardless of whether I agree with them on matters such as religion etc. Most know mine, and we live and let live. He then explained. "Rog, I've got it all wrong about God. I always thought that God was just a figment of the imagination of people who couldn't cope with fact that our reality is a transient thing and that when we die we cease to exist". I was familar with this line of thought as he'd voiced this opinion many times. He then said "Rog, you've got to listen to this and remember it. This is really important". I was waiting for something profound and important. He then said "Rog, I've realised that God does exist. It is us who don't exist, we are just a figment of God's imagination, none of this is real". At this, he downed his tea and said "I've got to go now, but you must write that down and remember it". I got a pen and a piece of paper and wrote it down and put it in my pocket. He then said "When I am straight, I'll be back, we can discuss this properly". He then went off on his way, I went back to bed, sightly irritated, but looking forward to our next chat.
We met the following Friday at the pub. He hadn't called but we used to gather there on a Friday. I was looking forward to the discussion. When he saw me, he was huegly embarrassed. He immediately said "Rog I'm so sorry about last week, I was off my nut". I just laughed. I said "Do you remember our conversation?". He looked really embarrassed and said "I don't really want to talk about it right now, can we forget about it?". I agreed. We never spoke about it again. I did notice that he never expressed a veiw on religion in my presence again. I don't think he really changed his views on life and the afterlife, but I got the feeling that the 'revealation' had affected him and he didn't feel comfortable with whatever had been going through his mind.
I was reminded of it this week. I had a beer with a mutual friend of ours on Thursday. We were having a beer and a game of pool before I did a recording session at the studio. A friend of his joined us. We were having a chat about death and funerals. I was recalling our friend, and the unfortunate event that happened when we gave our friend who had the revealation's ashes to his girlfriend. We were sharing a few jokes. As we chatted, his mate interjected that when we die, that's it, there is no afterlife, no God, that's it and religion is a load of old nonsense. It made me racall our departed mate and conversations I had with him, before his LSD experience. I did wonder if this chap had ever had such a moment in Mill Hill Park?
At the time of his experience. I myself identified as an Atheist and a complete non believer. This infuriated my Father, who was a devout Roman Catholic. I never sought to upset him and knew how important faith was to him. Dad passed away in 1987. In November 1986, around this time, my mum visited her sister in Bournemouth. My Dad had stayed at home. We went for a game of snooker and a beer at The Mill Hill Services club and then a curry at The Mill Hill Tandoori. We ended up drinking half a bottle of scotch and staying up until 3am. We got onto the subject of religion and faith. Dad explained to me that he passionately believed that he survived the war purely through his faith. He was a bomber pilot. He served a full tour of duty and was shot down on his final mission, bombing oil fields in Ploesti in Romania. He told me of the final moments of the mission. As they were flying in, he suddenly saw a mate of his in the co-pilot's seat on the Wellington. It was a mate of his called Jack Scheider, who had been shot down the week before. Before my Dad could say anything, Scheider said "It's a killer the way these Wimpeys (RAF slang for a Wellington bomber) go down, istn't it Laurie".
Dad was startled. Before he could say anything, Scheider had disappeared. As he stared at the empty seat, he heard some terrible bangs. A German nightfighter had attacked the plane, shooting and killing the rear gunner. Dad tried to take evasive action, but the fighter came back and shot out the engines. He gave the order to bail out. He was last as captain. As he was preparing to abandon the burning plane, his sole thought was to pray to the Virgin Mary. He said "Our lady, if you give me my three score and ten years, I'll lead a good life". He baled out at about 1,000 feet. He landed almost unscathed apart from two sprained ankles. He survived. Dad was in his 70th year. It didn't occur to me to ask, but was he worried? His deal was up. Dad was so superstitious that I knew pointing this out would really upset him. He then said "Rog, keep an open mind on things. I know you don't like all the ceremonies and services of Churches and you have had issues with some of the priests in Mill Hill (I was an alter server and there were I couple who I really disliked, they were not sexual predators, just silly men), but there are good things in religion. I didn't want to spoil a wonderful evening with a debate, so I said "I try and keep an open mind Dad". In truth, at the time I didn't. His stories bothered me. He was a very solid man, not given to flights of fancy.
When he passed away, I had even more cause for thought. Two days after he passed away, very suddenly with a heart attack, he appeared to me, at the end of my bed. He gave me a message for my mother. It was nonsense. I didn't want to bother my mother with it, so I didnt' tell her. A year later, I mentioned to my sister about the message. I didn't share it, but told her it was nonsense. Six months later, I was having a beer with my Mum. She suddenly said "Roger, your sister tells me Dad gave you a message for me? Why haven't you told me?". I was really embarrassed. I said "Mum, it was nonsense, I didn't want to bother you". She said "How dare you, that is for me to decide, what was it". I said "He said 'Tell your mother I am really sorry for leaving her, I didn't want to but I had to go' ". At that she went mad and threw me out of the house. I was really cross at my sister for telling her. I assumed Mum thought I'd made the whole thing up and it had upset her.
We didn't speak for a fortnight. Then she rang and asked me around for a beer. I expected another dressing down. My mum was not one to forgive and forget. We sat down and then she said "Roger, I am really sorry for how I reacted. I have realised that Dad told you as he knew you'd tell me when I was ready. If' he'd told the other kids, they'd have told me when I was still in shock and it wouldn't have sunk in". I was flabberghasted. I said "Did the message mean anything?". She replied "I have been furious at your father for leaving me, since he died. He always promised that he'd never leave me alone. It has helped me finally get closure". I couldn't have been more shocked.
A couple of years before she passed away, she told me that she had come to realise that not only was Dad apologising for breaking a promise, he was also telling her that everything was OK. She said that as she was getting older, that was more important to her. She asked me if I'd ever thought about why we are here and what comes next. I have thought about it quite a lot. She said that we shouldn't really worry too much about such questions. Everything will be alright. The older I get, the more I agree with her.
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My band, The False Dots are holding an album launch party at the Dublin Castle on the 17th November at 2pm. A few of our songs deal with life and mortality. Here is one of my favourites, a live version of Buy me a bottle of Jack
