Friday, 21 June 2024

Friday Fun Special - THe Friday Joke, local music round up and The Robert Elms show is 30 years old!

 It's Friday, it's a tradition amongst us Barnet Bloggers, that we start with a joke, to get the weekend off to a good start! This wonderful tweet from the Lancashire Archive made me smile. I wonder if she's Aunty Dot! (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN if you don't get the reference!)

Today see's a special anniversary. Local boy from Burnt Oak made good, Robert Elms celebrates the 30th anniversary of his show on BBC Radio London today. I've listened to the show since he started on the channel in 1994. To keep a show relevent and listenable for 30 years, over two millenia is some achievement. I have a massive personal debt of gratitude to him. Probably 30% of the new artists I've discovered in that period, I've heard first on his show.. I've even made friends as a result of going to gigs and chatting to the artists in question. Such amazing artists as Eli Paperboy Reed spring to mind as a great example

 Robert was the first to play Amy WInehouse \(Although I knew of her first as she rehearsed at the studio!). His slot on a Sunday, where people plug there events is a must listen for anyone who wants to enjoy the good things in this city. It has alerted me to some wonderful events, such as the Jah Wobble book reading at The Social in Little Portland Street recently. Robert has been very supportive of our campaign to keep London's grassroots venues alive. We launched the Save London Music Campaign on his show. 

It has to be said that the BBC management seems to be less than supportive of Robert (and the other brilliant presenters) at times. His show times have been mucked around with several times over the years and most recently his hours were cut down. This has meant Robert has far less time to introduce new artists, have guest sessions etc. Fortunately for us, he seems to get on and get by. 

Anyway Happy 30th Anniversary Robert. Before we look at the gigs, here's a special track for Robert, hopefully reminding him of his roots!


LOCAL GIG ROUND UP

First some advanced notice of next week's big festival. Barnet's biggest music event of the year, The East Barnet Festival starts on Friday. I am delighted that The False Dots are playing at 5pm on Saturday. Click here Click here for the full line up

Next up, a plug for our gig tomorrow night, celebrating 50 years of Charly Records. Click here for cheap advance tickets.


And finally, this weekends local gigs


Bad Bones gig at East Barnet Shooting Club
Bad Bones (Acoustic, Duo) at East Barnet Shooting Club, New Barnet
info icon7pm - 9.30pm



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Thursday, 20 June 2024

Charly Records at 50 - celebrating our Independent Record Labels

Imagine my delight at being asked by Tony Gleed, the promoter at The Dublin Castle, London's most iconic music pub, to play at the celbration they are hosting to celebrate 50 years of Charly Records. The headliners will be The Bollock Brothers, who released several albums and singles on the label in the 1980's. The label these days specialises mostly in reissues of jazz and 1960's slightly obscure music.  The catalogue is quite amazing and worth a look at if you are interested in music. For an independent label to keep going for 50 years is a fabulous achievement and we are delighted to be participating. They have done a sterling job in keeping the music of a whole host of musicians alive and also providing royalties for artists who the major mainstream labels had long ago lost interest in. Here's a list of just some of the acts associated with the label


The anniversary gives us an excellent chance to pay some homage to the Independent labels that have shaped the UK music scene. There are so many, operating in different genres, that it would be impossible to cover all in a short blog. Most labels eventually get gobbled up by majors, who want to monetise the back catalogue, and the creativity often dries up. Some manage to heep their identity, to some extent. Perhaps the most iconic of the Jazz labels is Blue Note, Established in 1939 by German-Jewish emigrants Alfred Lion and Max Margulis.  Andy Warhol also did work designing covers before he was well known.

As well as releasing much of the best Jazz music ever released, Blue Note was noted for the amazing album covers, usually created by graphic artist Reid Miles using the photography of Francis Wolff. There are probably almost as many posters and prints of these adorning the walls of jazz collectors and music lovers as there are copies of the records (a slight exagerration but you know what I mean).

I suspect that without Blue Note, popular music as we know it would not exist. Blue Note invented the concept of cool, the music was cool, the album covers were cool, the artists looked cool. The rhythms on these recordings have formed the foundation of everything musical that has followed since. 

Blue Note Records was acquired by Liberty Records in 1965 and subsumed into EMI in 1971, who phased it out. Fortunately. in 1985 EMI saw sense and relaunched it as a specialist Jazz label. 

Next up on our journey we will look at Trojan Records. The label responsible for the late 1960's UK Ska Explosion. Trojan was set up in 1968 by Duke Reid and Lee Gopthal in 1968. Reid, a Jamaican, realised that the islands music had enormous potential for the UK market and teamed up with record shop owner Gopthal. Trojan was instrumental in introducing reggae to a global audience and, by 1970, had secured a series of major UK chart hits. Successful Trojan artists from this period include Judge Dread, Tony Tribe, Lee "Scratch" Perry's Upsetters, Bob and Marcia, Desmond Dekker, Jimmy Cliff, the Harry J All Stars, The Maytals, The Melodians, Nicky Thomas and Dave and Ansel Collins. For me, the impact of Trojan is impossible to understate. I would not be in a band if it wasn't for Trojan. Bands such as The Clash, Madness, The Specials, The Police and The Beat, to name a few would probably not exist without the influence of Trojan. As a lover of Ska music since I was a nipper, Trojan was the soundtrack of my youth. 

In 1972, Island Records owner Chris Blackwell withdrew his interest and the label went bust in 1975. It was revived in 1985 by businessman Colin Newman, who sought to re-release much of the catalogue and has been owned by Sanctuary, Universal and BMG since. 


Next up on our tour is Stiff Records. Set up by music hustlers Dave Robinson and Jake Riviera, Stiff was at the forefront of Punk and New Wave.  Stiff signed various punk rock and new wave acts such as Nick Lowe, the Damned, Lene Lovich, Wreckless Eric, Elvis Costello, Ian Dury, and Devo, also signing artists with significant crossover appeal such as Motörhead, Larry Wallis and Mick Farren. In the 1980s, with most of their early signings having moved on, the label found commercial success with Madness, The Pogues, Tracey Ullman, The Belle Stars, Kirsty MacColl and others.

The Damned released the first UK punk single. New Rose on Stiff. Stiff records was well known for it's innovative marketing and slightly naughty slogans "If it ain't Stiff it isn't worth a F**k". The label organised tours, with the likes of Ian Dury. Elvis Costello on the first "Be Stiff " Tour. Stiff were seen by many ast the label to be on. The label ran into financial trouble in 1985 and was acquired by ZTT.

If you've ever heard The False Dots, you will instantly recognise how much I love Stiff Records. It is impossible for me to deny the influence (not that I'd want to) of Ian Dury, Madness, The Damned and Elvis Costello on the band. I have all the releases by these artists on Stiff Records in my record collection. Given Stiff records annoying policy of deleting vinyl from the catalogue after a few months, this was something that required me to get a paper round when I was 14 to ensure I had cash and didn't miss out. 


And finally. A quick mention for a label that was one which changed the world, but unless, like me, you are a punk rock nut, you'll never have heard of. It is New Hormones. It was set up by Manchester band The Buzzcocks, to launch their career with the Spiral Scratch EP. It was the first UK self released punk single. It sold 10,000 copies of the first release. Although it didn't bother the charts, it inspired  a whole generation of artists to 'Do it yourself'. To this day, the ripples of New Hormones live with us. The concept of Indie Music was born. The Buzzcocks proved it could be done. 

In this day and age, setting up a label for your band is easy. The False Dots have our own label, Blue Moon London Records and we release songs on streaming platforms. It is not hard and inexpensive. It opens up your music to the world. As we do this, we realise that we are walking in the footsteps of giants!

If you want to come along to the party on Saturday night at The Dublin Castle, CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

You can listen to our independently released catalogue of songs here


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Wednesday, 19 June 2024

Rock and Roll Stories #12 - I love Rock and Roll! Stick another dime in the Jukebox Baby!

 Why do I still do it? Let me tell you a story. When mym mum was pregnant with me, back in 1962, she was really unwell. She spent virtually the whole pregnancy in hospital, resting. She was terrified that she'd lose me. As she already had five kids, perhaps that wouldn't have been much of a disaster and after a few months, she'd have forgotton the baby that never was. An elderly nurse, who was also a nun, told her, when she was having a teary moment, not to worry. She said she could foretell the future and that the baby would be born, I would be strong and healthy and when I grew up, I would become Roger Tichborne, the Archbishop of Cantebury. That was why my mum named me Roger. 

Why do I mention this? Well because I suspect that I am about as likely to ever become the Archbishop of Cantebury as I am to appear on Top of The Pops, with a no 1 hit! So why do I do it? What is the point playing in a band that does not sell millions of records, have bevvy's of luscious groupies and go on world tours with The Rolling Stones as the support act? If you want to know the truth, for me, none of that was ever part of the deal. When Pete Conway and I wrote "The False Dots manifesto", before we recruited any other members, we said that the first principle was "No compromise on the music". We vowed that we'd never change a lyric or not play a song because 'the powers that be' objected. The second principle was that we wouldn't 'sell out and appear on Top of The Pops! This will seem bonkers to anyone too young to have lived through punk, but it was a sign of autheticity that bands 'didn't do Top of The Pops'. Except they all did, or at least all the ones people remember do (when I talk about people, I don't mean people like me who used to follow anarchist bands like Crass and The Poison Girls, who were never asked, but you know what I mean). Times have moved on. I'd loved to have played TOTP in hindsight, although not when Jimmy Savile was hosting! Not so much because it would have sold us lots of records, but it would have been a real crack. Sadly, TOTP is no longer with us. I think of all of the acts of cutural vandalism that the BBC have undertaken in the last 20 or 30 years, this is the worst. BRING IT BACK, even if they won't play The False Dots.

In the 45 years since the band started, I've mellowed. We did a gig on Sunday and my Sister Caroline, who has seen every incarnation of The False Dots, going back to our first gig was there. She said that in her opinion, the current line up and gigs we are doing are the best ever. I was quite surprised, but she gave several reasons. We can all play better, we've got a bigger selection of songs to choose from and for her, the fact that all our kids come along and have a boogie is a massive factor. The thing is that they enjoy the music and 'get it'. Of course, they are a home crowd, but what is great is that we seem to connect with all manner of people who turn up. There are quite a few bands doing Ska tributes etc, who are great, but we are one of the few mashing up Ian Dury/Madness and Ska themes and producing orginal music. As there is no one really like us around, it is a fresh sound. What is great is that in our recent run of gigs at The Dublin Castle. we've met some amazing young bands and become friends with them. Last Sunday, a young band from Ireland called WineMom were on the bill. I thought they were amazing. After our show, we had a good chat and they told is they loved our set. They were playing the final night of their mini tour last night. We went down to give some support. They were playing at The Social in Little Portland Street. We turned up and were amazed. The place was sold out and there was a mass of people outside. 


When we went in, we bumped into the band who were really delighted to see us. We had a nice chat, the went down and watched the support band. They too were on tour. They were called Radio Free Alice and were over from Australia. They were really good. They had strong Bunnymen and Artcic Monkey vibes. Clare loved them. Clare had been reticent about a late night on a Tuesday, but I bought her a ticket and she didn't regret it! Winemom came on and were amazing. Singer Rosanne's vocals remind me of Gloria Gaynor at times (I'd love to produce a song for them one day). She is an amazing front woman. If I was her manager, I'd get her to put the guitar down as she I felt she really came alive without the constraint of playing. Her playing is fine, but I do think Matthew on guitar can more than carry it. I wouldn't abandon it completely but I'd deffo do that for the second half of the show when it is cooking. As a guitarist/vocalist, I know that playing does constrain you. We don't have another guitarist, so I have no choice! None of this is a criticism, they were wonderful.


For me, there is nothing better than discovering new bands to get into. I am as much of a music fan as I am an artist. Often it is the little things. Going into a pub and someone puts something great on the jukebox is always a great buzz. A few of years ago, I met a mate at the Artillery Arms near the Barbican for lunch. I arrived ten minutes early, before the pub was open. The barman saw me and let me in. He was playing What we did on our holidays by Fairport Convention. It made my day. We had a chat about the band and he even gave me a free pint! That pretty much sums up how I feel about music. I mentioned this in a blog back in 2016. 

Ticket from our 2010 show 

As my sister noted, music brings us together. It gets us out and makes friends for us. For my band, our next gig is on Saturday supporting punk icons, the Bollock Brothers. We last supported them in Camden Town at The Purple Turtle in 2010. It was a great gig. The brothers are lead by the legend that is Jock McDonald, one of the key figures in the early punk movement. Jock is always great value for money, looking for schemes to cash in on the latest scandal. When Mchael Fagin broke into Buckingham Palace and found himself in the Queen's bedroom, Jock recruited him to record a version of the Sex Pistols "God Save The Queen".  When Nick Leeson crashed Barings bank, he was recruited by The Brothers to sing "My Way".  The Pistols cover was released on Charly Records, and Saturdays gig is a celebration of 50 years of Charly records. It should be a brilliant night. 

You can book tickets BY CLICKING HERE 

In many ways, Jock encapsulates the true spirit of Rock and Roll. A tradition that the likes of Wine Mom and Radio Free Alice are continuing. Why do I still do it? The answer is simple, to quote Joan Jett -  I love rock and roll, stick another dime in the jukebox baby!

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BTW we will be appearing as a three piece on Saturday as Tom is unable to make it. He will return for The East Barnet Festival. As such, we will be playing a few of our older songs, which Tom doesn't feature on. Here's Sci Fi Girls from last year

 

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Tuesday, 18 June 2024

The Saturday List #429 - A list of all the gigs the False Dots have played in 45 years!

The False Dots did a rather spiffing gig on Sunday night, even if I do say so myself, at London's most iconic pub venue, The Dublin Castle in Camden Town. It was the 9th time we've played their in three years, a residency we've thourougly enjoyed. This time, the Dublin Castle enjoyed us so much, they asked us back this Saturday, the 22nd June for a very special gig, the 50th Birthday of Charly Records! We will be supporting iconic punk band, The Bollock Brothers who feture the legend that is Jock MacDonald on vocals. 

Every single gig The False Dots have played have been at small, independent grassroots venues. So it seems fit to celebrate by listing all of our gigs, ever! The Red Italics are not UK gigs. As you can see the band had some years where we were frantically busy, a few years where we weren't and a few big gaps, where we were doing other things.

1980

Our first ever gig after nearly two years of trying to get it together. Our singer, Pete Conway didn't show up! For these gigs, Craig Withecombe, myself (Roger Tichborne) and Paul Hircombe shared vocals duties. We decide to continue like this!

13 December  - The Harwood Hall, Mill Hill

1981

31 January - The Harwood Hall

18 February - Orange Hill School, Burnt Oak

13 March - Hendon Rugby Club (supporting The Chevrons)

3rd April - The Midland Arms (Supporting Way of The West)

18th July - Harwood Hall, Mill Hill

26th September - Kenton Jewish Youth Club (our drummer Mark Barnet was a member and got us a couple of well paid gigs here!)

18th October - Kenton Jewish Youth Club


1982 

We start 1982 with a bang, a tour of Scandinavia with The Gagget band!

13th January, Karsbygarden,  Norseborg  - Stockholm

15th January, The Underground club, Stockholm

16th January, Pub Bastun, Aland, Finland

19th January, Tumba Gymasium, Stockholm

20th January, Alby, Stockholm

7th March, The Moonlight Club, West Hampstead

27th August, Bell MCC Rally, Elstree

Around this time Eleanor Caine joined as a singer

26th November, Gooners Club, The Copper, Tower Bridge Road

1983

28th January, Gooners Club, The Copper, Tower Bridge Road

1st February, The Ad Lib Club, Kensington

23rd February, The Moonlight Club (supporting Tokyo Olympics)

15th March, The Tunnel Club Greenwich

26th March, Harrow Music Festival (daytime)

26th March, BACS Ltd (supporting David Anderson) 

8th April, The Moonlight Club, West Hampstead

Craig & Eleanor leave and Venessa Sagoe joins on vocals

26th August Bell MCC Rally, Elstree

16th September, Chequers MCC Rally, Cambridge

3rd October, Prince Albert, Golders Green

28th October Prowlers MCC Rally, Abbots Langley

18th December, Barnet College


1984

7th January, George IV, Kentish Town

26th February, Dingwalls, Camden Town

15th March, Bald Faced Stag, Burnt Oak

19th April, Bald Faced Stag Burnt Oak.

25th May, Bald Faced Stag, Burnt Oak

3rd July, Pindar of Wakefield (venue now The Water Rats), Kings Cross

2nd August, Grahame Park Festival

24 August, Hendon Rugby Club

3rd September, Watling Festival, Montrose Park

Vanessa Sagoe leaves the band

1985

Allen Ashley joins the band on vocals

12th July, Old Bull Arts Centre, Barnet

23rd November, Le Tiki Club, Belgium (supporting Soldier Bike)

30th November, Cricklwood Hotel, Cricklewood

13 December, Old Bull Arts Centre, Barnet

22nd December, The Three Hammers Pub, Mill Hill

Allen Ashley Leaves the band

1988

Neil Cox formerly of The Mods (appeared on the Mods Mayday album) joins on vocals

22 August - Mill Hill Music Complex Party

28th December, The Midland Arms (now Claddagh Ring), Hendon

1989

23rd February, The Midland Arms (now Claddagh Ring), Hendon

1990

Neil Cox leaves and Tony Robotham joins on vocals

19th May, St Josephs College

Tony Robotham leaves - The Band takes a short break from activity

2002

Fil Ross joins on guitar and vocals 

20th April, The Red Lion, Colindale

7th September, Mill Hill Music Complex Party

2nd November, Mill Hill Sports Club

20th December, The Three Hammers (Boz Boorer joined us on guitar)

2003

6 June, Mill Hill Music Festival, Mill Hill Sports Club

26th June, The Three Hammers Mill Hill

2005

1st June 1985, MHMF,Mill Hill Sports Club

2006

3rd November, Mill Hill Sports Club (Kate Nash was support act)

2007

8th June, MHMF, Mill Hill Sports Club

18th December, Mill Hill Music Complex Party

2008

3rd March, The Bull Theatre (supporting Lee Thompson & Chris Spedding band)

2009

15th December, The Claddagh Ring, Hendon

2010

Connie Abbe joins on Vocals


15th Februrary, Lock 17, Dingwalls, Camden

14th May, Mill Hill Sports Club

19th May, Fiddlers Elbow, Camden Town

15th June, Purple Turtle, Camden Town (supporting The Bollock Brother)

13 November, The Claddagh Ring

2011 

29th January, The Arts Depot, Finchely (supporting The Foundations)

27th June, MHMF, Mill Hill Sports Club

Connie Abbe leaves the band

2012

Allen Ashley rejoins the band on vocals, Fil Ross switches to Bass, long time bass player Paul Hircombe dies having quit in 2009 to become a career criminal. 

13 December, Friern Barnet Library (End of occupation party)

2013

11th October, The Bohemia (Occupation Party)

2014 

20th December, Midland Hotel, Hendon

2015

23rd May, Midland Hotel, Hendon

18th September, Midland Hotel, Hendon

6th November, Fiddlers Elbow (with Dell Richardson of Osibisa and The Black Doldrums)

19th December, Chandos Arms, Colindale

2016

29th April, Midland Hotel, Hendon

26th June, Chandos Arms, Colindale

21st October, Chandos Arms, Colindale

16th December, Midland Hotel, Hendon

2017


21 May, North Finchley Festival, Bohemia, Finchley

19th June, Jesterfest, Fortune Green

22nd September, The Bohemia, Finchley

9th December, Chandos Arms

2018

24th February, Midland Hotel, Hendon

12th May, Kings Head, Enfield

30th June, Mill Hill Town Square (daytime )

13th July, Midland Hotel, Hendon

13th October, Midland Hotel, Hendon

14th December, Mill Hill Rugby Club

2019

15th March, Midland Hotel, Hendon

19th June, MHMF, Adam and Eve, Mill Hill

19th November, Adam and Eve, Mill Hill

13 December, Midland Hotel, Hendon

2022

Allen Ashley leaves the band and Roger Tichborne takes over on vocals

11th June, Adam and Eve, Mill Hill

19th August, The Bohemia, Finchley

28th September, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town

23rd November, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town

2023

17th February, The Edgware Services Club, Burnt Oak

24th March, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town

6th May, The Mill Hill Services Club

15th September, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town ** Tom Hammond joins on Trumpet

28th The Old Bull Arts Centre, Barnet (with The Silencerz)

4th November, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town

23rd December, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town (supporting The London Sewage Company)

2024

3rd February, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town (The False Dots 45th Birthday Party)

23rd March, The Beehive, Bow ** Without Tom

13th April, The Bull Theatre, Barnet (supporting The Silencerz)

26th April, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town (supporting Skaface)

17th May, Mill Hill Music Complex Studios

30th May, The Horn of Plenty, St Albans

16th June, The Dublin Castle, Camden Town.

22nd June, The Dublin Castle (Charly Records 50th Birthday Party with The Bollock Brothers)  Without Tom

29th June East Barnet Festival (main band The Alan Warner Band) with Tom

6th July, Jesterfest, Fortune Green

Next Gig

17th November, The Dublin Castle


2024 has already become the joint busiest year for gigs since the band got back together in 2000 (to have a jam and record a few old numbers). We've already surpassed last years total of seven and we are only half way through the year!

We still have two to go to equal 1984, but we will be doing our best!

What is even better to hear is the response of the audiences. This was one comment posted on Instagram, saved for posterity. When you see comments like this and get the response they are talking about, it really does make it all seem worthwhile. 

Being a band on the grassroots circuit for 45 years is something of an achievement. One of  the comments we here time and time again is "Why have we never heard of you before?" from both young and old audience members. There are three reasons.

1. When we were young, we were always falling apart as band members came and went. Four times we were on the verge of deals and it all went pear shaped.

2. The sort of music we were playing was viewed "Last years thing" by 1983/4 when we really hit our peak and we were under constant pressure to blow with the wind. It was hard playing Ska/Punk when everyone wanted New Romantic music!

3. We were too naughty for many of the labels that looked at us. Although Rock and Roll music is supposed to be rebellious, apart from the punk explosion 1976-80, if you didn't play the game, they were not really interested in you. Anti war songs like Action Shock and songs sympathetic to transvestite prostitutes having relationships with Tory MP's, like Not All She Seems were just a  bit too edgy. I will never forget the look on an A&R guy from EMI's face when he said "That Not All She Seems tune is really catchy, what is it all about?" and I told him. 

We've mellowed a bit since then, but the energy is still there. 

We've just released a brand new single, to celebrate Englands participation in the Euro's. We hope you like it!

First published on the 23rd December 2023 and updated 18th June 2024

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Sunday, 16 June 2024

The Sunday Reflection #15 - Why I can't be doing with Fathers day

Good times - Sis Caro, Me, Dad
Of all the 'festivals' in the year, this is the one I like least. Don't get me wrong, no one is more in awe of their father than I am, or misses them more. For me though, the day to do it is my Dad's birthday, 1st April. A special day that I always miss him like hell on. I don't want to share my Dad's special day with the rest of the country. I have no idea when Fathers day first started in the UK, I don't recall celebrating it when my Dad was alive (He passed away in 1987). Since 1995, I've had children of my own. I've always tried to discourage them from celebrating it. I see no points lining the pockets of card companies or buying me stuff I don't really want. In truth the reason is I don't think I measure up to my Dad and I would never compare myself to him for this reason. 

There are many ways that I feel that my Dad was a man who was unique. He only had two years worth of formal education in the outback of Australia, yet he passed officer exams in the Royal Australian Air Force, flying bombers in World War II. He was shot down, taken POW, escaped, made it back to the UK. He started a very successful business, had six kids, all of whom are very smart (apart from me, I was always "The thick one", the one who didn't go to Uni or get any education after school). He was an excellent sportsman. A good cricketer and a handy boxer, winning tournaments in the RAF. He was also a bit of a hardnut. Legend has it ( and scalliwags in Burnt Oak who worked for him and knew him in his prime confirmed this) a local gangster came down to try and extort money from him. Dad picked him up and threw him in the incinerator where they burned waste. No more threats. He could mend anything. Fridges, ovens, cars, bikes. All I could do was bugger them up. He was funny and miscievious. At a charity banquet at the Town Hall, he was sat next to the Mayor. To my mothers horrors, he distracted the Mayor and nicked a sausage of his plate. As for lessons. He taught me a few. When I was a kid, I was scared by an episode of Dr Who and the monsters. He picked me up, told me that he was going to show me the scariest monster in the world. He told me to shut my eyes. He took me upstairs, then said "Do you want to see the monster now?". I said yes. He said "Open your eyes". I looked at myself in the mirror. He said  "The only thing you should be truly scared of is what you may do if you take the wrong path". He then told me about the German guards in the POW camp he was held in. He said that they were all good, decent men, but fighting an evil cause and most of them didn't even know. He said what the Nazi's did was a million times worse than any monster had perpetrated. 

When he died, I couldn't have been more shellshocked. It came completely out of the blue. He had an anuerisym and died suddenly. I simply couldn't believe it. I was 24 at the time. It had never occured to me that he was mortal. I had believed he'd always be there. About three months before he died, we went for a game of snooker, a curry and drunk a bottle of scotch. It was probably the only proper adult conversation we had. By this time, I had a decent job working for BT, as we built up the studio. He told me that he had to apologise to me. He said that he'd thought I was a complete let down to the family for a long time. He simply didn't understand my obsession with punk rock music. He'd thought that the band was trivial nonsense. He thought I was as thick as a plank and unemployable. He'd also thought I was rude and argumentative. He also thought I'd never get a girlfriend. 

He opened up and said he'd been wrong on all counts and he couldnt be prouder. He said that when he finally saw the band (in the summer of 1985 at The Grahame Park Festival), he was amazed how good we were. He was also amazed by the way I engaged with a bunch of scalliwag children who were set on causing trouble for the bands. A couple of other bands had their sets ruined. I offered them a pound for the one who did the best dance. They boogied through the set. My cousin, who was a missionary priest had come down with him. He said it was the most joyous thing he'd ever seen in England, commenting that he thought such fun only happened at African carnivals. He told me he was wrong to dismiss it. He was aolso proud of the work we were doing to build the studio which was starting to gain a good reputation. He was also proud that I'd got a job doing difficult technical things for a blue chip company and was earning good money. He said that he'd never seen it coming, but had realised that he'd realised that I was simply unmotivated at school etc. As to being rude and argumentative, he said he'd also realised that this was very much because I wouldn't take bullshit. Finally, he told me that he thought I had excellent taste in girls and that he'd been wrong to think no one would go near a slob like me. 

We laughed about all of this. He told me that his biggest regret was that this was probably the best chat he'd had with any of his children when they were adults. He told me that he found it incredibly difficult to treat us as peers. He said that he always found it hard to take what we had to say seriously. I asked him why. He said that with his daughters, he felt incredibly protective and wanted to make them happy. As for myself, Laurie and Frank, he found it difficult not to find fault in what we did. Even though my brothers were forty at the time, he couldn't stop himself finding fault and found it difficult to keep it to himself. I asked him what his biggest criticism was and he said "You know, the thing that really gets me about your brothers, is I really don't think they know how to enjoy themselves". I then asked about me. He replied "Oh, you like to enjoy yourself far too much but so long as you pay your way, I can't criticise that". He then said "You know, I've spent my life trying to get your mother to enjoy herself and she's spent her life trying to stop me spending all our money". We both laughed. 

Dad was going off to Florida shortly after this. We made a promise that we'd drag Frank and Laurie out and have a proper boys night out. Curry, beer, scotch and hangovers. It never happened. I never saw him again. 

God only knows what my kids will write about me in 37 years, if I dropped dead tomorrow. I hope the majority of their memories will be happy ones. For Birthdays, Xmas and any other celebration for my Dad, I'd always ask what he wanted. The answer was always the same "A big smile".

God Bless you Dad, wherever you are. I will remember you tonight, when the False Dots are playing at The Dublin Castle in Camden. If nothing else, you gave me the gifts of fun and love. 

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Saturday, 15 June 2024

The Saturday List #444 - TV mash ups that should be made

 Back in the 1970's, there were two iconic shows on TV. The Sweeney and Morecambe and Wise. One was a gritty TV Cop series, perhaps the first 'modern' take on the Police, where they were more anti heroes, with all manner of personal vices. Morecambe and Wise were safe comedians, who were national treasures. In perhaps the most unlikely mash up ever, they appeared as themselves in an  episode of The Sweeney. I've always thought this was the most brilliant and off the wall piece of TV ever. 

I've long thought of other mash ups that should be made. Here is my list.

1. The Flintstones meet Homer Simpson. The references are numerous to The Flintstones in The Simpons. However, there has never been an episode of The Flintstones that reciprocates. Here is my premise. An accident happens at the nuclear plant where Homer works. A timewarp happens and Homer is transported to Bedrock and found by Fred and Barney on the way to bowling. They pick him up. Homer is very disorientated, babbling about things that don't exist in Freds world. They assume he's had a bash on the head and take him bowling and drinking. Soon Homer fits in, as if nothings happened. Being a great ten pin bowler, he's just about to win the bowling trophy, when a team from Bedrock hospital turn up. They tell Fred and Barney that Homer is an escaped patient and take him away. They are in fact Men in Black from now, who need to bring Fred back before he damages the timeline,  changing the world forever. Fred and Barney sit around wondering how they didn't realise he was an escaped patient. The ending scene, features palaentologits digging up a bowling trophy with the name Homer Simpson engraved on it, in Springfield amongst dinosaur bones.

2. Coronation Street and UFO. I've long been a fan of Gerry Andersons UFO and think that like Doctor Who, it should be revived and modernised. The idea that SHADO, a secretive organisation run by men in black (and ladies in purple wigs) operate under the radar and keep us safe from aliens. I'd love to see a mash up with Corrie, where odd things start happening in Wetherfield and the patrons of The Rovers start talking about "odd lights in the sky" and "people disappearing on Incermon Street". There would be some cameo appearances by whoever plays the modern Ed Straker and Paul Foster, in the Rovers, explaining that they are a "film crew from Harlington Straker studios". Gail Tilsley would have an encounter with the alien before he is captured. Paul Foster administers some memory erasing drugs, so she forgets the encounter. Gail and the Rovers crew decide that the film crew are dodgy, as they assume she was slipepd Rohypnol. An episode of UFO would be screened the next night, where the SHADO operation is followed. How a UFO is tracked to Wetherfield and how the Alien trys to abuct Gail, before being apprehended. As the team leave, Foster says to Straker, "You know that pub looked terribly familiar" and wonders if he too had some sort of memory erasing experience. 

3. The Jools Holland Show and Doctor Who. To me, this is such an obvious one. Doctor Who has a Tardis. Just imagine what Jools Holland could do with that! I'd love to see the Tardis materialise on the set and take Jools on a tour of some of the best moments in music history.

4. Fr Ted and The Great British Bake Off. Sadly Fr Ted's Dermot Morgan has died, but I love the idea of a "Ted Memorial bake off" in Craggy Island, with Fr Dougal presiding chaotically, Mrs Doyle providing the teas and various charactures from the series making inedible Victoria Sponges. ALl judged quite seriously by the GBBF team. I love this idea.

5. Friday Night Dinner and Narco's Mexico

Jackie is reeling after the death of Martin. Auntie Val wins a competition for the holiday of a lifetime to Mexico. What they don't realise is that the competition was a scam to recruit unwitting drug mules. The family see them off for the holiday and they arrive and are having the time of their life. The Narco's team are on to the scam. They don't want to tip off Jackie and Val as they are planning a sting. A fake robbery occurs at the hotel. The 'competition organisers tell Val and Jackie that they will replace all of their luggage and clothes free of charge. They send them out to buy new clothes and supply new baggage (with cocaine already packed in the lining). The Narco's team are on to the scam, but want to find out who the contacts in the chain are in London, so arrange for Jackie and Val to pass through the airports unimpeded. A huge stakeout of the house is set up, so the smugglers can be arrested when they come to retreive the coke. Jackie and Val are totally oblivious to the scheme. Val decides that the new bags are "too heavy" and on the final day, buys a new set of luggage more to her liking and the girls repack. At the airport, the 'competition organiser' meets them to 'see them off' as they pass through departures. The Narco's are all watching to see what happens. When he sees the new luggage, he asks what has happened to the luggage he bought. Val say's "It was very nice but it was too heavy for us so we bought some new luggage, it's at the hotel". Thinking there has been a sting, he gets quite aggresive. The Narco's team are forced to intervene and stop him. Jackie and Val, are a bit puzzled at why he was so upset about them not liking the luggage he supplied. They get back to London and the boys ask "How was the holiday?" They say "Great, really relaxing". The boys then ask if they saw about a  big drug barron being arrested at the airport. Jackie and Val say no, then put on the telly to see the "competition organiser" being lead away. They both say in unison "blimey". 

6. Derry Girls and Top of The Pops. The girls win a trip to watch Top of The Pops being filmed and to meet the stars. Out of their natural environment and rubbing shoulders with the stars, staying in a posh hotel, with all manner of fancy food, the girls react very differently to the envionment. When they get to meet the stars, they are all super excited, but are totally overawed and rather embarrass themselves. Being in London for the first time, the girls realise that growing up in London would have been a very different experience. They all have very diffrent reactions to the experience.

7. Songs of Praise and So it Goes. 

Of course Tony Wilson is no longer around. The Granada TV series So it goes  featured all of the early punk bands, before anyone else had ever heard of them. Cancelled after Iggy Pop was a bit too sweary for the TV bosses. I've long thought that it would be brilliant to revive the format. The BBC's long running Songs of Praise show, featuring hymns from churches around the country has hardly changed over the years. I think it would be great to do a mashup, presented Tony Wilson So it goes style, where punk and very left field artists do their favourite spiritual or religious song and say a few words why maybe? Maybe finish off with a choir singing Pretty Vacant as a final nod to the mash. I actually think that much of the best spiritual music is not hymns or traditional religious songs. 

So those are mine, what are yours?

These are my ideas, copyright to Roger Tichborne 2024. Anyone interested in nicking them, I'm more than happy to let you, for a small consideration!

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1. Come and see my band, The False Dots tomorrow night at The Dublin Castle -  CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS.


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3. Have a listen to our brand new single celebrating England in the Euro's

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