Wednesday 12 July 2023

Sometimes, you lose sight of the important things

 Last Friday, I wrote a very down and negative blog. I feel that it is necessary to be honest in my journey, especially my travails with Prostate Cancer. Everyone I've spoken to has dark moments on the journey. I think last Friday was as bad as I've felt in my life. I actually felt physically numb, I have never felt such desolation. For a time, it really did feel too much. It isn't just the cancer, the past three years have been a nightmare for our business. I feel that the stress has contributed to the recent flare up. In 2019, everything was going wonderfully. I have never felt like giving up on music and the studios, ever, but I did on Friday. We were having a family celebration on Friday evening, to celebrate my son getting his the result of his degree finals. We had booked a meal at the rather wonderful Chinese at Beaufort Park. I'd agreed to drive. If I could have gotten out of going, I would have. I just wanted to lie in my bedroom, with the blinds shut. But out of respect for my son, I dragged myself down there. We had a pleasant evening and not drinking (well one small bottle of beer) was a good thing. 

On Saturday, the Sun rose and I felt different. The numbness and despair had disippated. I had a strong urge to work. I had been working on a new video for The False Dots and I finished it (I think it's come out rather well). We met friends for a pleasant meal and a few drinks in the evening, at The Orange Tree, which coincidentally appears in the video.

On Sunday morning, as I always do, I went to mass at 11.30. I am a very bad Catholic. I go to mass every week, I try and listen to the readings and the homily, but often I spend an hour in a world of my own. Mass is one link with my past, my parents, my youth. The church has changed, but I think how I deal with Mass hasn't. As a kid, I was an Alter Server. I was useless. I'd zone out in a world of my own and forget to ring bells and bring water over etc. But the reflective, medatative time does help. In truth, I wish that they still did sung Latin masses. I'd feel less guilty about not listening and it would be easier to quietly meditate. I came out, bought a custard tart for me and chocolate brownie for my son, for what I used to buy a curry and six pints for.  That made me laugh. Then we went off to Blur. It was wonderful. A day with friends watching amazing music. 

On Monday, it was back to work. Back to reality.  My band are playing at The Dublinb Castle on the 15th September, so it was the scheduled day to start getting people along. We work on an week cycle. We dropped the new video and sent invites etc.  All good. The initial response to the video has been wonderful. Monday was one of my non drinking days. All was fine, some nice customers and a few good chats. In the evening, I prepared a vegetarian barbeque in the garden and my daughter cooked Pizza's. It was lovely. 

You might find all of this rather dull, but there is something very important in all of this. I feel OK. I'm not just saying this, I do. I feel positive and the sun has come up again. I could have written this blog on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, but I wanted to make sure all was OK. Over the last five days, I've done a lot of thinking. I realised something that I should never take for granted. The good Lord has blessed me with the greatest gift of all. I am lucky. I am lucky with my family. I am lucky with my wife. I am lucky with my choices. I've made amny rash decisions, but almost always they've turned out well. I am also lucky with my enemies. I have a few. If you are going to have enemies, have ones that are not only stupid, but believe themsleves to be genius level intellects, with a stack of cunning plans (none of which ever work). 

I'd have achieved nothing without extraordinary good luck. All of the important things in my life are good. You may ask how someone may consider themselves lucky, if they have cancer and need to have treatment that may severely impact their quality of life? Well sometimes, we need a wake up call. If I died tomorrow, I'd have had a wonderful life. I don't want to, but that is the truth. Things will change, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself. I just have to adapt. In my life, all of the important things are good. We all have challenges, my response to them is what my response always is. I work harder. There will be bumps on the road, I know that, but there are things to do

If you haven't seen it yet, please check out The False Dots new video. I'm rather proud of it.

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