Hey, it's 2024 and I'm back at work! I was wondering what to say, then I thought I'd just play you a song. This sort of sums up how I feel right now.
Without further ado, I always do my predictions for 2024, here they are.
January
Around the 21st, we look out to see that snow has arrived. Twitter is awash with claims that global warming is a myth. Tube strikes and Doctors strikes continue. The campaigning for the London Mayor and Assembly elections start in ernest. The Tories concentrate on ULEZ and Labbour watsing money. Sadiq Khan concentrates on issues around Susan's Halls character and the idea that she will usher in a new generation of London Fascists. A couple of naughty Tories are slung out of the commons delivering some rather unwelcome, for Rishi Sunak, by elections. These are scheduled for February. Manchester United sack Ten Hag after another loss. Ryan Giggs is appointed caretaker manager, whilst a thorough selection process is conducted.
February
As Rishi Sunak wanted to clear the decks before the March budget, the by elections are held quickly and deliver sound thumpings from the voters. In the Borough of Barnet, the Labour group announces huge cuts to fix the budget defecit. Manchester United's results improve under Giggs with victories over West Ham and Aston Villa, their fans clamour for Giggs to be made permanent.
March
Jeremy Hunt announces a giveaway budget. Inheritence tax is abolished, along with huge tax cuts, especially for super rich Tory supporting billionaires. Labour reply that they are rewarding their mates before they are booted out. The Doctors dispute and the Rail strikes are also settled with big pay rises. Sadly for Sunak, the polls still look dire. Manchester United appoint Ryan Giggs as a permanent manager.
April
A heatwave hits London, followed by storms and floods. Twitter is awash with tales of global warming and climate change. The Tories poll ratings still linger in the doldrums. Liverpool and Manchester City are neck and neck in a thrilling Premiership race.
Talk of a May election is put to bed and the smart money goes on an October date.
May
The weather turns mild and pleasant, a huge wave of small boats arrives. The Home Secretary announces that "new measures will be taken to stop the boats" and that Labour will make the situation worse. Several cabinet minister resign, claiming that they cannot support the Prime Minister anymore, as he's not stopped the boats. Keir Starmer continues his "Invisible man strategy" of saying nothing.
The country starts to get excited about the Euro 2024 tournament in Germany. Sadly, Harry Kane is crocked in the last game of the Bundesliga Season, and Phil Foden and Jack Grealish suffer hamstring injuries in the Champions League, ruling them out for the first few games. Jude Bellingham also has metatarsal injury and is ruled out. The Sun announces "Time for Southgate to Deliver".
Sadiq Khan romps home in London, with Tory Susan Hall finishing a shock third behind the Lib Dems, who's message that "if you can't vote Khan or Hall, vote for us" proves surprisingly appealing to many Londoners. Sadiq Khan announces that he is the most popular politician in Europe, despite getting a million less votes than last time. FOr the first time, a majority of Londoners do not vote.
June
England start the Euro's with a no score bore draw against Serbia, lose to Denmark and scrape through with a win against Slovenia. Finishing second, they draw France in the Next round. After a stirring first half, where they take a 1-0 lead, France equalise and England galantly go out on penalties. england Sack Gareth Sountgate after the Euro flop.
Following a bad Champions League campaign, Real Madrid,Carlo Ancellotti is sacked and in a massive shock, Jurgen Klopp takes the reigns.
Temperatures in London hit 40 degrees. The press is awash with stories of global warming. The National rail network grinds to a halt due to rails buckling. Rishi Sunak blames Labour.
Towards the end of the month, a huge volcano erupts in Iceland and the subsequent dust cloud grounds flights for a month in Europe, stranding thousands of football fans. King Charles is stuck in Germany as well, as his flight was grounded and has to stay at The British Embassy with Rishi Sunak.
July
The dust cloud persists, causing havoc with people's holiday plans. The cloud also causes turbulance in the Atmosphere causing snow to fall in London in July for the first time since records began. Social media claims that "Global warming is dead".
Towards the end of the month, the cloud finally lifts and the silly season starts in the press.
August
A warm August again see's record small boat crossings. Rishi Sunak makes "stopping the boats" a key pledge. He announces that new laws to stop them will be the key part of his manifesto. Keir Starmer says nothing, except that Sunak is clearly not fit to run the country.
The football season starts. Championship champions Leicester City are promoted on a wave of excitment, with a record title, but crash down to earth, being thrashed 4-0 by Manchester City in the first game of the new season. Real Madrid offer Manchester City half a billion pounds for Haaland, City refuse.
September
England appoint a new manager, with Carlo Ancelotti taking the reigns. The heatwave breaks and once again, we have massive storms. The three promoted clubs sit at the bottom of the Premiership. Pundits announce that "This year we appear to have a proper title race" as Liverpool and Arsenal draw with Man City.
The 'small boats' and Rishi Sunak announces his policy is working and announces an election on 24th October.
October.
To no ones great surprise, Labour wins a landslide victory. Rishi Sunak steps down and replaced by Suella Braverman, who declares the Tories lost because they weren't right wing enough. King Charles causes controversy by telling Starmer that he can't possibly be worse than the last couple of PM's and he hopes that He lasts longer than Truss did.
The US presidential race is thrown into total chaos as Joe Biden collapses onstage at an election rally and is forced to withdraw from the election. Donald Trump announces that this shows only he is fit to be president and it's a sign from God. Three days later, Trump also collapses and withdraws. The race, for the first time ever see's two Vice Presidents stand off against each other.
November
The US presidential election is postponed until January as state funerals are held for both Trump and Biden, neither of whom survive. In the UK, SIr Keir Starmer announces a new treaty with France that he declared will stop the boats humanely. Not a single boat crosses, but this is as much down to the weather as anything else.
December
The US ends the year with Kamala Harris as 'stand in president'. Both sides in the Ukraine war announce that they are winning, despite no movement at all. The Ukrainians say that another 100 Billion in aid will 'finish the job'. Putin announces that "most of the obectives of the special operation have been met and fascism in Ukraine is being crushed".
Prince Harry announces that he wants to make friends with his family, but only if they sorry for being beastly to him. The year ends with Arsenal on top of the table by two points, and Arteta announcing that "This is the season we win the Premiership".
The King, in his Xmas message says "Blimey, I didn't realise what a tough gig this was, Mummy always seemed to be enjoying himself".
Please note that the above predicions are purely for fun, I have no "insider knowledge"
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