The Friday Joke 4/9/2015 - 18 laws of physics they dont teach you at school

Have a great Friday and a great weekend


1 . Law of Mechanical Repair   -  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

   

   

2. Law of Gravity  -  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

   

   

3. Law of Probability  -  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

   

   

4. Law of Random Numbers  -  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

   

   

5. Variation Law  -  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

   

   

6. Law of the Bath   -  When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

   

   

7. Law of Close Encounters  -  The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

   

   

8. Law of the Result  -  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

   

   

9. Law of Biomechanics   -  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

   

   

10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena  -  At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

   

   

11. The Coffee Law  -  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

   

   

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers  -  If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

   

   

13. Law of Physical Surfaces  -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

   

   

14. Law of Logical Argument  -  Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

   

   

15.   Law of Physical Appearance  -  If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

   

   

16. Law of Public Speaking  --  A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

   

   

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy  -  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

   

   

18. Doctors' Law  -  If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. 

Dear Brian, Please get some professional help before you hurt someone else

The Barnet Eye is getting increasingly worried about the erratic and rather odd behaviour of former GLA member and Barnet Councillor Brian Coleman. We have reached the opinion that this is not a laughing matter and are seriously worried that Mr Coleman may hurt another person (he's already been convicted for attacking and injuring Helen Michael) or himself. Whilst some people may wish harm on people, as a pacifist, I am not going to drop my standards, even for someone like Coleman who assaulted a good friend, at a time when her mother was in the final stages of cancer. Mr Coleman has taken to leaving rather obnoxious tweets about all and sundry, including my mother and the victim of his assault, Ms Michael. To me, this is not the working of a sane, rational mind. Having been convicted once for assault by beating of Helen Michael (admitting his guilt and telling a packed courtroom that the Police CCTV footage was "not as he recalled") surely a sensible course of action would be to forget about Ms Michael and leave her alone. Instead Mr Coleman seems to have invented a complete fantasy world where he was the wronged party. Mr Coleman described his attack on Helen Michael in the following manner on Twitter yesterday

Brian Coleman ‏@BrianColeman251 21h21 hours ago

@hammerman1111 @Barneteye @DurraniMix assault ? you mean minor altercation with troll with camera

There was no need for Coleman to be insulting about the victim of his assault. If you have any doubts about the viciousness of Colemans attack, you can view the footage on Colemans favourite newspapers website - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/10036838/Conservative-councillor-Brian-Coleman-caught-on-CCTV-assaulting-cafe-owner.html  and as you can see it was anything but a minor altercation. Coleman only desisted and ran away when passers by intervened. As to Ms Michael being a Troll, she was working in her business, when Coleman broke the law by parking in a loading bay outside of her cafe. As he had been in charge of the Boroughs parking policy parking, Ms Michael tried to take a picture of him flouting the laws he expected others to follow. This is not Trolling, it is a perfectly reasonable response to abuse of position. 

But it is not only Helen Michael who has to suffer from the ill mannered taunts of Coleman. Prior to this tweet, he launched an unprovoked attack on me in relation to my elderly mothers care. I had written a blog about the meals on wheels service, yet Coleman sought to use twitter to attack me, even though I'd made no mention of him in the piece (TBH I'd almost forgotten he existed). 

Here is my tweet and his response.

1. 1. Rog T ‏@Barneteye Aug 31 Barnet, London

      Meals on Wheels - A quick Fisk of the Barnet Council position http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/meals-on-wheels-quick-fisk-of-barnet.html … @barnet_unison @BarnetAlliance @BrokenBarnet

      2 retweets 0 favorites
3. Brian Coleman ‏@BrianColeman251 21h21 hours ago

   @Barneteye Quite why you seem to be proud of your elderly Mother having to rely on meals on wheels when you only lived up the road ....

    

 Is it normal, sane behaviour to attack the way people for the way they care for elderly relatives? If you do not know the circumstances, surely discreet silence is the sensible option, even if you think people should behave in a different manner. For the record, although my mother had issues with speech and mobility, she was not suffering from dementia. She lived independently until the day she died by choice. She had the option of living with us or any of her other children, but did not want to. She agreed the meals on wheels service with the Council. Her view was that this wasn't charity, she paid for the meals. She didn't want charity and she didn't want to live with other people. Coleman queries why I'm proud my mother "had to rely on meals on wheels". Well yes I am. I am proud because it allowed my mother to live her life the way she wanted to, despite enormous challenges. Despite her failing health, she organised her own care and was perfectly capable of making decisions. We used to make her an evening meal every evening. My mother would insist on paying for this. She was not poor, she was technically a millionaire, following a very successful business career. 

I used to visit my mother every night and share a Guinness or a Whisky with her. The week before she died, I accompanied her on a pilgrimmage to Lourdes (my mother was a Roman Catholic) and we spent a week together. She had a  massive stroke and died the week after we returned. 

It is clear to me from Colemans comments that he was simply trying to attack me in the most hurtful way he could think of. Whilst I was initially quite angry about his comments, I reflected on the psyche of a man who could write such a thing. Such bile breeds all manner of negative thoughts. But the decent thing to do is to look beyond the bile and see what is the route cause. 

It is a matter of record that Brian was relentlessly bullied at school. Many victims of such treatment develop warped characters and seek to lash out and hurt others. In Brians attack on my mother, I see his own insecurity written large. I have a clear conscience with regards to my mother and miss her dearly. As Brians own mother is in her 90's, he clearly feels deeply worried about what the future holds. I suspect that throughout his life, his mother has been the one rock for him to hang on to. In his comments to me, perhaps we see a window into his own lack of self worth and insecurity. I am sure he feels he let his mother down terribly getting arrested, spending the night in jail and getting a criminal record (what decent person wouldn't).

I am sure Brian will read this, in his disposition to the investigator into the standards case I brought against him he announced that he loved reading about himself "all councillors do". So here is a short, open letter to Brian. It is written in a spirit of Christian Charity, something my mother always urged me to display (and to be quite honest, one thing I often let myself down in).

Dear Brian,

As you are no doubt aware, we are not friends and are never going to be. Your actions in assaulting a friend of mine, causing her injury, stress and pain are unforgiveable. That you chose to lie about it only compounds my feelings of antipathy towards you. However you are another thinking, feeling and hurting human being and as the good Lord says, we have to love our enemies. It is clear to me that when you lost your political career, you suffered a majour bereavement. It is also clear to me that you are still in the anger stage of dealing with your loss. As someone who clearly has issues with anger, having lost your career and good name as a result of this personality disorder, I would urge you to seek counselling to deal with your many issues. 

Many of your political friends, such as Jane Ellison and Joan Scannell, have over the years told me that there is a good side to you and that you have gifts to offer. It is clear to me that until you come to terms with your guilt, address your anger and move on, you will be stuck in an ever more self defeating spiral of despair. I am not only worried for you, but worried about what you may do, should you again find yourself in a confrontational situation. As you are now a convicted criminal, you would not be in a position to ask for leniency should a further altercation occur. Your hate filled outpourings on Twitter, clearly show that there are issues to resolve. As an intelligent man, surely you can see that the sooner you deal with these and reconcile yourself to the loss of your political career, the sooner you will move on. My advice to you is to seek professional help and address the issues that are ruining your life.

Regards 

Roger Tichborne

#SaveLondonMusic - why we need music venues

The future for London music studios?

Creative industries add £8 million an hour to the UK GDP. This is an area where the UK is an undisputed world leader. Whilst the clothes you wear, the TV you watch and the car you drive is likely to be made in a different country or even continent, the chances are that wherever you go in the world, the music you will hear will have been made in the UK. Recently Joy Beverley died, one of the Beverley Sisters. These were the first female UK artists to have a charting record in the USA.  At the time, this was seen as hugely novel for UK artists to enter the U.S. Charts. Now it is seen as unusual, even a failure if a successful UK act fails to do well in the USA.

It is not just the USA though, every continent rocks to the beat of the UK and London is the heart of this. Sadly the huge value of this contribution is not recognised and even worse, the whole sector is under attack. Property developers are gobbling up sites used by rehearsal and recording studios, for luxury flats. Landlords, seeking to cash in on the London property boom are selling up, displacing long established businesses. Pubs and clubs that host up and coming artists are being forced to close, often being bulldozed without planning permission by greedy developers seeking to maximise profits. Areas made trendy by the great venues and nightlife get overrun by yuppie types, attracted by the edgy area, but soon they decide that they value early nights more and complain about the noise and disruption associated with the very things which attracted them. Building new studios is almost impossible, as local authorities planning departments do not understand the business, fail to recognise the benefits and put all manner of needless barriers in the way.

As someone who runs a studio and promotes gigs, I see just how difficult this is becoming. Our studio business is booming. We are in the lucky position of having a new building and security of tenure. As other studios are forced out of business, we see regular customers arriving from ever further flung parts of London. Whilst this is great for us in the short term, it is terrible for the creative industries of London and ultimately bad for us all. That is why we've launched the #SaveLondonMusic campaign. We believe that protection for studios and music venues is vital. The government passed green belt laws to protect open spaces as these are good for the country. Decrepit old palaces of the mega rich get Grade 1 listed protection too scare off developers. The case for safeguarding our musical heritage is equally compelling. It is truly unbelievable just how little we value our rock and roll heritage. You would think the English Tourist board would be fighting the corner, given the huge global interest, but not a bit. You'd think George Osborne would be investing, as the returns are massive. Not a bit of it. The case for preserving our heritage is compelling on every possible measure, but no one seems to be listening.

We are in the process of building a website. On Friday 18th September, we are staging a local gig at the Midland Hotel, by Hendon Thameslink Station. The gig kicks off at 8pm and we'll have several great local bands. If you are interested in supporting the campaign, please come down.

We also have a full campaign launch planned for Friday 6th November at the Fiddlers Elbow in Camden. We are working to get a great line up for this gig. Watch this space...

Meals on Wheels - A quick Fisk of the Barnet Council position

Barnet Council are planning to stop Meals on Wheel. We say this is a bad idea, our comments are in red italics

Click here for the source page on the Barnet Council website

 

Meals at home

Hot meals

Many supermarkets offer home delivery services so that you can still have food at home even if you are not able to get out yourself. They also provide a range of pre-prepared meals which you can heat up when you want them. The small hole in Barnet Councils argument is that many elderly people are not able to use the internet or have issues with communications, it is all very well saying food can be delivered, but for those who are not technology savvy, how are they supposed to place these orders? In my experience, my mother could not use a computer or order by phone. She had macular degeneration and would have struggled to read heating instructions.

There are also independent organisations such as Wiltshire Farms Foods and Oakhouse Foods, which can provide home-made, frozen meals and desserts to your door on a weekly basis. Many elderly people suffer from macular degeneration and other issues with sight/reading, making microwaving of food impracticle (assuming the person has a microwave). This also means that fresh cold meals with salads etc will not be provided. What happens if the company doesn't deliver or the person is out when meals are delivered (many elderly people have regular hospital visits etc)? Do these companies have training in helping elderly people. If the person doesn't answer is food left on the doorstep or with neighbours?

To find out more, contact:

• Wiltshire Farms Foods
• Oakhouse Foods

Casserole Club

In Barnet we now also have the Casserole Club. This helps people in the community to share extra portions of home-cooked food with others in their area who might not always be able to cook for themselves.

The diners receive free meals and a little company whilst every cook receives the joy of helping someone in the community. Less food goes to waste as the spare food you make is given to someone who will eat it! This suggestion means that the elderly have to rely on charity of neighbours. For many this will be humiliating and degrading. They currently pay for the meals on wheels service. Many people do not want neighbours etc to know their circumstances. What checks are the council undertaking to ensure hygene standards are met, nutritional requirements (both dietary and religious) are met and what happens when the kind neighbour decides for whatever reason they cant cook a spare meal one day. The above description is also rather dishonest as it implies the food is spare, but it isn't. The kind neighbours will have to buy and prepare extra portions and they are then committed to delivering 365 days a year.

For more information, contact:

•  www.casseroleclub.com
•  Email: barnet@casseroleclub.com
•  Tel: 020 3475 3444

Barnet Home Meals Service

We are currently engaging with people on the future of the Home Meals Service in Barnet. This engagement seems to be a couple of pages on a website and an invitation for comments. Where is the proper attempt to get peoples views and engage with the real issues. Many important matters are not discussed.

We are proposing to no longer provide a home meals delivery service in Barnet. Instead we will be supporting customers to identify and arrange for alternative options within the community, for example, lunch clubs or other catering companies.  For more information on the background and our proposal please see the factsheet. (we will look at the so called factsheet tomorrow)

Residents who are currently receiving a home meal service delivery by Sodexo will continue to receive a meal.  Over the next few months, the social care team will work with individuals and undertake a review to identify alternative ways of supporting people to get a meal and give them more choice and control.  The information we gather at these individual reviews will inform the decision making process. So it appears that the council have decided before actually interviewing the people concerned. This is not exactly honest or fair to the people concerned, is it.

For new referrals, we will look at alternative solutions before offering a delivery home meals service through Sodexo. What if alternative solutions are not appropriate?

We want to hear your views about our proposal or your suggestions about how else we support people to meet their nutritional needs. Do they really? Surely if they did, the news teams at the local press would have been informed?

Please tell us what you think by Friday 18 September 2015 by 

• Completing an online form: Engage Barnet
• Writing to us at: The Engagement Team, Adults and Communities, Barnet Council, North London Business Park, Oakleigh Road South, London N11 1NP
• Email: engage.adults@barnet.gov.uk
• Phone: 020 8359 4366

The feedback we receive from you will be considered by Barnet Council’s Adults and Safeguarding Committee in November 2015. After this date, a decision will be made on the proposals. 

More information about Barnet Meals at Home Service can be found on the following page:

• Meals at Home Service 

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• Comments, compliments