Planet Earth to Boris, come in please

Boris Johnson has decided to reappoint Brian Coleman to run the London Fire and Emergency Planning Authority (LFEPA). As I read the news, I pondered the question. Does Boris not know what Brian Coleman has been up to or does he just not care? Does Boris actually enjoy sticking two fingers up at "the little people"? As I understand it, Boris (along with David Cameron) was a member of the "Bullingdon club". As far as I can see, the whole point of this club is to make the lives of any "little people" who they come across as miserable as possible. The philosophy seems to be to be as horrible as possible and then show that you can get away with it because you are stinking rich.

Whilst it is pretty clear that David Cameron seems to have grown up, I can only conclude that Boris hasn't and he sorely misses the days of blissful mayhem. I've often pondered the question of how Boris actually views Brian Coleman. Whilst I can only speculate, I have a theory. I think that Boris Johnson has a "King Arthur" complex. That is why he's so keen on the Boris bus. It's his trusty chariot. He has his round table of advisers at the GLA. So where does Coleman fit in. He's the court jester, the naughty little boy who entertains Boris and winds up all of his other advisers. Boris, for all his sins, is fiercly intelligent and an avid student of history. Boris the lionheart is the boss. The rest of his Tory GLA members are his lackeys and bag carriers. After his own job and the Met Police chair, which Boris did till he got bored, the LFEPA is probably the best paid and most important. Firemen are universally liked, trusted and admired by Londoners. Boris knows this and views them like errant Knights of the realm. Useful when there's trouble in the realm, but troublesome the rest of the time. What better way to keep them in order than making the village idiot their boss. Boris knows that ultimately the firemen will do their job when they have to, but the obnoxious Coleman will wind them up no end in the meantime, and distract them from actually causing real trouble. Sure Coleman also embarrasses Boris and the rest of the Tories, but so what? When doddery old Aunty Flo takes off her knickers at the family get togethers, once you get over the embarrassment, it is actually rather funny.

The only trouble with Boris and his Camelotic view of the GLA is that we are living in London in 2010. The GLA isn't Camelot. It doesn't need a village idiot as its jester and fire chief. It needs competent people who know how to run complex administrations. Before Coleman took over at the LFEPA, I'd not heard of the organisation. It just got on with running the fire service. When I was canvassing, I spoke to several firemen and a couple of their mums. They were universal in their vitriolic disdain for Coleman. Why? Because Coleman has launched all sorts of petty rule changes, which are designed only to make the jobs of firemen more unpleasant. Beds where fire crew relax between callouts are being removed. Coleman has made sexist remarks in his role. He described a female Lib Dem MP as an airhead, for calling out the Fire Brigade when she thought her gas boiler was going to explode, even though the Brigade said she did the right thing. Coleman criticised the British Olympic Athletics team after the 2008 games, claiming they had "blood on their hands" because they competed in China. What about his own hands, following the cuts to the service which he's trying to push through?

Boris appointed Coleman in his first flush and has found him "good entertainment value". At the Met, Boris chaired the committee himself. When he got bored and couldn't be bothered anymore, he appointed boring old Kit Malthouse to run it. Malthouse, actually being a half decent administrator has got on with the job. As a result no one has heard of him. Is it too much to ask Boris to appoint a similar figure to the LFEPA? Let's just hope Boris tires of his clown.

Planet Earth to Boris, come in please -  we need a Mayor who wants to sort our problems out. A Mayor who doesn't appoint people to important and well paid jobs, purely to amuse themselves and wind everyone else up. We want a Mayor who cares about all Londoners and who values brave public servants such as our Firemen. There is a time and place for clowns like Coleman. Sadly that time and place passed long ago.