Have you ever thought you were going to die? I know we all die sooner or later, but what I mean is in the next minute or two? It has only happened to me twice. Once when I was hit by a speeding car in Burnt Oak in 1988 and the other when I was an 11 year old pupil at Finchley Catholic High School. I'd been at the school about four months. It was January. The rule was that at break times, we had to all go into the playground. Teachers would guard the door, to ensure that we didn't go back in. On this particular day, it was freezing cold. At the end of 'dinner break', I was keen to get back into the classroom to warm up. I positioned myself at the front of the queue.
Shortly before the bell was due to ring, to allow us back in, there was a clap of thunder and it started raining. There was a mad scrum towards the door. The 'Headmaster of the lower school' Mr Danny Coughlan, appeared. I was being pushed in by the scrum. Coughlan screamed at us all to wait for the bell. This was to no avail. What happened next has troubled me ever since. Coughlan was a large man and I was a small child. He punched me as hard as could in the throat. The whole crowd saw. I don't know if you've ever been punched hard in the throat. I wouldn't recommend it. I couldn't breath. I staggered back and collapsed, gasping for air. Mr Coughlan then came down and started kicking me, telling me to get up. To be honest, the kicks didn't bother me. I couldn't breath and I thought I was going to die. I really can't recall what happened next. I don't know if I passed out or had a panic attack.
My next recollection of the event was that I was up in his office. He told me that if I mentioned the events to a soul, I'd be expelled and no other school would accept a troublemaker like me. I protested that I had done nothing, there was a crowd pushing me. He informed me that if I continued to lie about the event, he would "give me six of the best". He told me that he'd put on my record that I was a liar. I was not the person I am now. I was terrified of him and I thought that no one would believe me. I thought my Dad would clobber me for being naughty. Who would you believe, an eleven year old child or a respected headmaster of the local, prestigious Catholic school?
Why do I mention this now? Well on Wednesday, I went to Manchester with my son. He is 24 and went to FCHS. I was joking about how much times have changed. His generation never had to endure violence from the teachers. When I thought about it, I realised that even with the climate of corporal punishment at the time, what Coughlan did was extreme. In hindsight, I wish I'd told my parents. I had been the victim of a vicious and unprovoked assault. I spent the two years in the lower school doing my best to avoid Coughlan. I used to get extremely anxious about going to school. It got so bad that by the time I was thirteen, I was seeing a paediatrician and was on valium for anxiety. I had not put the two things together, but I recall the absolute trauma and terror of Coughlan.
Sadly, I couldn't completely avoid him. He would take RE lesssons. They were bizarre. He'd dictate the lesson and we'd write it down. We'd then hand it in and he'd check that we'd transcribed it word for word. Being dyslexic, I was on the receiving end of his ire. I'd be called thick and an idiot. I wasn't the only one. Bear in mind, most of us were aged 11 and from good Catholic homes (by this I mean, quite young and naive, not that we were better than anyone). The first lesson he gave us, in the first week, he stood up and said "You are all bent!". He then asked if we knew what bent meant. A few of us sniggered. He made one of the sniggerers stand up. He demanded to know what "being bent" meant. At the time, it was a derogatory term usually used in a homophobic manner. The poor lad suggested that Mr Coughlan thought we were gay ( I can't recall the exact words). Coughlan said "No, being bent means you are crooked, you are sinners, you are bent!". He then told us that we were scarred with original sin and would all go to hell, save for the generous intercession of Jesus Christ.
Now at the time I was an alter server and went to mass twice a week. I'd yet to commit any sins, beyond nicking spare change from my brother's pockets when he was having a drunken lie in and teasing my sister for being spotty. We'd always been told that Jesus was our friend. Mr Coughlan said he wasn't our friend, he was our saviour and none of us were worthy of him. We were just damn lucky we were Catholics. If we were Protestants or any other religion, we'd be doomed. I was quite disturbed. Some of my best mates were Cof E and a couple were Jewish. The thought them and all of their families were going to Hell was terrible. I was lucky, my Dad had a friend who was a retired priest. I asked him if Mr Coughlans theological perspective was correct. I will always respect and thank Fr Traynor for his considered response. He said that according to the second Vatican council, this sort of thinking was completely outdated. It was completely up to God who was allowed in and it wasn't up to us to judge. As Catholics, we knew what we should do to please God, but the concept that there wasn't a non Catholic anywhere who wouldn't be let in was simply absurd. He then explained that some sects like the Jeheovahs Witnesses believe only members go to heaven, but that was an anathema to Catholics. I was grateful such stupidity had been debunked. I wanted to challenge Mr Coughlan but he was a terrifying individual.
The odd thing was, and I only realised this now, is that I have realised that Coughlan knew he'd totally overstepped the mark with me. Other teachers had witnessed his assault and knew about it. He might have killed me. A couple of times over the next two years, I was up before him for misdemeanors. I fully expected to get the cane, but he never administered it. Everyone else I knew, who did such things was caned. In hindsight, I think Coughlan was worried that if I was caned, the assault may have come out. It was all rather odd. He was most reasonable with me.
I spoke to my elder brothers about him. They'd gone to Challoner School, where Couglan was headmaster. It was a fee paying Catholic private school. It merged with Finchley Grammar School to form FCHS four years before I joined. Pop Groves, head of FGS became headmaster and Coughlan had been made Headmaster of the Lower School as a sop. He had total autonomy over the first two years.
When my brothers had been at Challoner, Coughlan had been even more brutal. He'd once caned the whole school as someone had failed to own up for a misdemeanour. It was not about education, it was about brutality. When Coughlan caned a child, he had a ritual, where he put on a cape and ball cap and informed the child that he hate doing it and it was for their own good. I previously wrote a blog about FCHS and got this comment
What a disgusting place that Challoner School was. They knew nothing about nurture and everything about inspiring fear and loathing into our minds. Any joy, or interest, in learning about any subject was squashed. I'm now 70 and still rage at that soulless crow Coughlan and the impact he had on so many young minds. The abuse was daily. There was never a single day where you were greeted with a smile walking into that prison of a school.
I was lucky, I got expelled in my 3rd term. I still don't know why, but thank God for expulsion!
I thought long and hard about writing this blog. I have no doubt that Daniel Coughlan and his regime at Challoner/FCHS damaged a lot of people. I believe that all of the teachers and the administration of the school knew he was dangerous and should not have been let anywhere near young boys. What should have been a pleasant experience that built character and moral fibre, for me and I believe many others, became a game of getting through, counting down the days, until we went to the main school and were free of this idiot. I am sure many didn't have such a bad experience as I had, but I genuinely don't think anyone who saw Coughlan in action would be in any doubt that the man was not fit to be in a school.
I don't want compensations, apologies or a meeting with the school. I just want to put it out there, have my say and fifty years after I was seriously assaulted as a child, let the world know what the man who did it really was. That will do me.
Just in case you are nostaligic for those days, have a look at this
2 comments:
Wow Roger what an incredibly written and visceral read. What a sadistic sociopath. It's a shame he is probably dead, as I think the disgrace he deserved never happened by reading this. Although, who knows, with such abusers, would it thrill, but he threatened you had you shared? Typical.
Only a few years ago Francis Wheen went public and told his story of the painful, unjust and utterly sick abuse at his private school. It really was hard for him, but he needed the closure and to give it oxygen, to finally condemn and cleanse. In his case, it being a boys boarding school it was not just a culture of cruelty but sexual abuse too. This is a man who writes about everything and anything and frankly with guts, and all his life and it was no less honest and powerful as what you wrote, and it was hard for him to do, but like you, at a certain age, it had to be said. This should be read widely.
What is so wrong is parents sent you there believing it was a moral and good grounding with wise mentors. That you were in safe hands. It seems that more abuse happens in private schools than state. Thank goodness you were not a boarding school. Personally, I think parents who send their children to those probably should not have had kids. I know not one who had no complaint bar a Bernardos Boy now a bit older than us, and he said it was the making of him and none of that sort of thing happened. Goes to show. Privilege is to grow up safely without strangers entrusted to your welfare being so evil, yes evil, he should have known that of all people. Did he confess I wonder? I am the type of person who might research if the perp still lives and make sure his family see it. I hate the idea of people getting away with it, like old war criminals, there is no time limit to judgment day in my book. But this was for you and other boys who suffered this monster. Thank you for sharing.
Caroline, just to be 100% clear. FCHS was a comprehensive school from 1970 and was when I went there. The private element - Challoner - disappeared when it was formed.
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