What was the first time you thought about getting old? I can tell you exactly when. It was the last day of the school summer term in 1967. I was four years old. I was the youngest in the class at St Vincents. My birthday is in late August, which meant I was a year younger than some of my classmates. Not only that, but I'd been born six weeks premature. If I'd been born on time, I wouldn't even have been the oldest in the year below. But there I was, marooned in a class where I was the smallest, slowest and weakest, by some distance. Although a year may seem nothing, when you are four, it is a quarter of your life. I was being teased. On the last day of term, I was the only boy who was still four in the class. But I realised that time was on my side! When term started back in September, I'd be five, I'd be as big as the rest of them. I'd be five, I'd be a big boy. I hadn't worked out that soon all of my mates would be six and I'd just be five. But it was the moment that I first started to be aware of ageing. Ageing is a funny old thing, when things are best, we want to age faster, as we start to fall apart, we suddenly want longer in the moment. I've no idea what age I thought was the best, but I guess that I didn't appreciate it at the time. I thought it would be worth charting my 'ageing milestones'.
1. The first 'hair'. As I already mentioned, I was the youngest by some distance. I was also blond and I guess of some sort of Nordic origin. At school, my mates of Mediterranian, etc origin were covered in hair by the time they were twelve. None appeared on me. I was massively self conscious of this. I thought I was a freak. The first sprouts appeared about two years after everyone else seemed to be covered in hair. I'd sit in the bath and look at myself in horror. I was massively self conscious. When I had my first sexual experience at around fourteen years old, I was terrified that she'd laugh if she saw my unhirsuite form. To my amazement, this was not an issue. I stopped caring and immediately the hair started sprouting. It hasn't stopped since, mostly in places I don't want, ears, nose, back etc. But believe me, it was a masive stress for me for a couple of years. I'd dread PE and Games at school in case someone noticed. I think I was saved by the rather homophobic culture at FCHS, where we didn't observe or comment on other boys private parts.
2. Train Travel. When I was sixteen, I decided to go to Manchester, to watch Manchester City. The rule used to be that to get a child fare, you had to be under fifteen. One of the benefits of looking very young and angelic for my age was that I never got challenged. That was until I went to buy a ticket. I'd saved up my paper round money and was really excited. I turned up at Euston. In those days, there was no ID. The decision of the bloke in the ticket office was final. Euston had rows of shiny ticket offices and the bloke simply wasn't having it. "If you were fourteen, you wouldn't be going on your own to football". That was that. I was devastated. Then I thought, hang on, there's about ten counters. I looked along the line. Who would take pity on me? I knew it had to be someone who was far enough from the bloke who'd refused. I decided that my best bet was a kindly looking lady. I was working out my tactics. There was a queue and in front of me was a Dad with two young boys in City scarfs. I came up with a cunning plan. I explained my predicament and asked if he could buy me a ticket. He laughed and said of course. The bloke was a really nice guy and I ended up travelling up and back with him. It turned out he was something to do with Manchester City Supporters club in London. I went to a couple more games with him that season. Football fans always loved getting one over on authority, so he was more than happy to help. But I realised that the days of travelling as a kid were up.
3. The Pub. Now whereas I wanted to appear as young as possible for the purposes of travelling on trains, for the purposes of going to the pub, I wanted to appear as old as possible. The first time I went into a pub on my own and had a beer was when I was thirteen. I had gone to watch Manchester City at Upton Park in 1975. I'd hooked up with some City fans on the tube, who felt sorry for me. They took me to the pub and bought me four pints. I loved it. I realised that the pub was somewhere I wanted to spend time. A few months later, I got my sister to take me to the Three Hammers. I sat in the corner and she bought me a couple of Shandies. This went on for a year or two. I loved the atmosphere, and I never got challenged. When I was about sixteen, I went in on my own and bought a beer. No one raised an eyebrow. They had seen me and knew I was OK. A few weeks later, I took a few mates (all a few months older). They all got kicked out and the landlord told me not to bring youngsters into the pub!
4. Leaving School. I guess the biggest right of passage for us all is leaving school. I left Orange Hill school in the summer of 1981, aged eighteen. I did three A levels and scraped passes in two. I had appleid for University but missed the grades by a mile. In hindsight, that was a blessing. I'd chosen the wrong subjects and University wasn't really for me. In fact, the whole concept of studying horrifies me. Being free of it was wonderful. I loved Orange Hill and my mates, but the time had come to move on. I was pleased to open a new chapter in my life.
5. Getting a flat. When I was 21, I was in a serious relationship. We wanted to move in together. That meant that I had to get a proper job. Having vowed never to study again, I enrolled in a TOPS scheme Computer Operations course. This was ten weeks long. At the end of it, I got a job at SPL International, which paid a good salary. I desperately needed the money as being a musician, I'd run up debts. I paid these off. I owed my Dad a lot of money, as he'd bailed me out when the heavies were chasing me after I ran up huge debts on our bands Swedish tour. The deal was I'd clean cars for him to work it off and pay it off as quickly as I could. When I started at SPL, I paid off the last of it in three months. My partner understood that this was the key priority. When I finally cleared it, Dad gave me the money back. He said that it wasn't the money, it was the principle and he hoped I'd learned. I had. The money immediately went towards a deposit for a flat. It was a big deal for me. It was great, but it soon became clear that I wasn't quite ready for a proper, adult relationship. But it was a big moment.
6. Past it. Up until now, all the milestones were, in my eyes at least, positive. You want to be a bit older, so you can do things that your age prohibited. Then all of a sudden, something hits you. You realise that you are not the new kid on the block anymore. I can remember the exact moment. It was the 30th November 1984. I was twenty three. The False Dots were playing at The Cricklewood Hotel. It was a very decent gig at the time. Allen Ashley was our singer. Allen is a few years older than me. We'd always been the new kids on the block, the upstarts. When we played at the Cricklewood Hotel, there was a band on with us that were all teenagers and had a strong teenage following. Their fans simply weren't interested in us, no matter how hard we tried. It was the first time I ever felt old.
7. My daughters first day of school. When my Eldest daughter Maddie started school at St Vincents in Mill Hill, I was back where this list started. But I was a Dad, a responsible member of the community, not a naughty little boy. The Headmistress, the wonderful Anne O'Leary had taught me. Now she was a peer. It was a very strange moment. She joked "Normally, we show new parents around the school, but I guess you know it already". The school was still in it's old buildings, it had hardly changed (a couple of years later, the new school was built over the road). I had all sorts of flashbacks. It was odd, but it was a real moment for me, when I finally had to admit to the fact I'd grown up.
8. My Mum passing. In August 2008, I became an orphan. Of all the moments in my life, it was the moment when I most felt alone and isolated. My mum had been unwell for a long time and I'd long since relied on her for financial and emotional support. But the fact she was there was like an anchor to the past. She was gone and it was incredibly hard for me to accept that I'd never go for a Guinness and a chat with her again.
9. Giving up playing football. I always said that I'd only stop playing football when I could not physically manage it. That moment came in March 2023. My ankle finally gave up. My physio said "Don't play until it has got better". It hasn't. It has been a devastating experience, I hate not playing. Occasionally, it doesn't hurt and I immediately start planning my return. Sadly it soon hurts again.
10. Cancer. This time last year, I was recovering from a radical prostatectomy. It was life changing and not in a good way. It forced me to face up to a lot of things. Get wills and powers of attorney in place. It also made me re-evaluate what I do with time I've got left. I've decided that I'll go down with all guns blazing and enjoy myself. Right now, I feel pretty good. None of us know how long we've got, but we can either face the future with hope or fear. I choose hope!
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And on that note
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