The Sunday Reflection #30 - Why is modern religious music so rubbish?

 When I was a little kid, my parents made me go to Church every week. I wouldn't say they forced me, it was just what our family did. There was a ritual. Dad had a big car, which started off as a Humber Sprite, then a Ford Zephyr and a Ford Zodiac. They all had bench seats. At 10/40am us kids would all pile in the front, then Dad would drive up to the Cottage Homes (retirement home for old ladies). He'd pick up three old ladies, I can recall Mrs Faller and Mrs Monaghan and he'd take us all to 11am mass at The Sacred Heart Church. After mass, he'd drop the ladies home, take us to the 'little shop' on Shakespeare Road and stock up on provisions. This included freshly cut ham, garibaldi biscuits, smoked salmon, and other tasty provisions that my frugal mother considered to expensive. He'd then drop us back and go for a drink whilst Mum made dinner.

When I was a small, Mass was in Latin. It was all sung, incence was liberally dispensed (a mate at school, when asked what he liked best at mass by a visiting priest replied 'The smell of incest', for which he was sent to the Head Mistress for a beating with the tennis bat. None of us knew what incest was, until I asked my sister). I used to quite enjoy it, it was very different from the rest of the week. The main proceedings were unintelligible. Then we'd get berated by the priest in his sermon and told we were all going to Hell if we didn't repent, and we'd sing a few hymns. There were several that I rather liked. Oh Praise ye the Lord was a banging tune. Faith of our fathers was a bit more reflective and others had excellent melodies such as How great though art. 

When I was about seven or eight, things changed. Suddenly mass was in English and we started to get modern hymns and even worse Folk Masses, where geezers with beards would play guitars and sing songs with duff melodies and choruses that had clunky choruses which didn't scan very well, that were sort of like Jesus you are marvellous, Jesus you are the best, Jesus I think your wonderful, Jesus you are blessed. Even as a child, I hated these. I couldn't really see the point of telling God how marvellous he was. I mean, God is meant to be omnipotent and all knowing, so he must know we like him and if we don't and we're telling porkies, it would just irritate him and he may smite us?

As I got more into music and analysed what made a good hymn, I concluded a good tune was the key. Perhaps the best hymn is Abide with me. It also has decent lyrics.

Abide with me, fast falls the eventide

The darkness deepens, Lord with me abide

When other helpers fail and comforts flee

Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me

To me, this makes sense. When you are in the deep do do, it is quite natural to want Gods presence, so it is a very logical and sensible emotion. I concluded that the best hymns are also sensible prayers, not telling God he's marvellous but asking politely for his support through the dark moments in our lives. 

Sadly, the vast majority of hymns fail to have any merit at all. Where are the Amazing Grace's of the current era? A mate suggested that Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen is up there and I don't disagree, but I am not entirely sure it qualifies as a hymn, as to me a hymn should be specifically written to be sung by a congregation. I used to work with a lovely chap who was also a brilliant guitarist. He was an evangelical Christian and I mentioned this view. He immediately brought me in some CD's of modern Christian music that he said would totally refute my view that modern Christians can't write religious music. Sadly, the CD's largely by failed American rock musicians, who'd discovered God, had the opposite effect to what he intended. They were all in major keys and the message was Oh Lord, you are marvellous, please make me marvellous as well. I wanted to burn the CD's as I thought the music was horrible. 

When I first got Sky TV, I flicked through the channels and found a US TV Evangalist channel. There was a geezer with a moustache who looked like a porn actor. He was tellinge everyone that if they prayed and donated lots of money to him, the Lord would make them rich. There was suitably trite music in the background, there was one 'song' which sort of had the Chorus of "Oh Lord, I've made my donation, now give me a massive bung of wonga". Well those weren't the exact lyrics but that was the sentiment. I wish ill on no one, but I do hope there is a special place in Hell for such charlatans. 

I was discussing my aversion to religious music with a friend who is a Catholic Priest. He suggested that I write a hymn, if I am so dismissive of other people's attempts. I had a go and realised it is not easy. As my lyrical style is mildly humourous observational sarcasm, it is not really suited to such things. But having said that, could it be worse than some of the abominations that have been written? My rather uncharitable take on many modern musicians who play in Church is that they do it for the captive audience. Of course, many churches have amazing choirs and great players, but I am sure anyone who regularly visits a church will know of certain people who give our lugholes a right old bashing. Of course, this is not a very christian observation, as we should be inclusive and encourage everyone to participate. 

Having said that, I was slung out of the choir at the Sacred Heart when I was a kid for being 'unmusical' and not able to sing, so I guess I have an axe to grind. What I subsequently realised was that most hymns are simply in the wrong key for my voice and the melodies push past the range of what I can manage. I realised that the majority of hymns were actually written to suite people with a different vocal range and style to me. Now I would never claim to be a technically gifted singer, but it would be nice if there were a few decent ones that I could join in with. 

One of the things that not too many people realise about singing is that it alters your mood and makes you feel better. There is a reason for this. The simple act of singing means that you inhale far more oxygen than you would normally, as you need a large volume of air to excite your vocal chords. This means that you have more oxygen in your blood stream, which actually makes you feel good. So a stonking hymn at a church service, that you can sing along to, will physically change your mood and brain patterns. Singing in a choir is a great thing to do, if you can manage the notes. I just wish I could and I wish that the stuff they sing at church these datys inspired me in the way that Ska and Punk rock music does, and even the old classic Victorian hymns did. But then again, this is the way God made me, and as my mate Bob the Scouser always says "God doesn't get things wrong". 

I did start to try and write a hymn during lockdown. It soon morphed into a song about our local church, because as I said my style is observational humour. When I started playing it, I realised that it was dull pompous and boring, so I kept the first verse and widended the subject matter to a general comment on Sundays in the 1970s. Much of the rest of the song is inspired by the reminiscences of our drummer Graham Rambo Ramsey. I rather like it now, I hope God does!

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