I've been there three times. Only once have I ever actually reached the point I might act on it. That was only for about five seconds, but it may have been the second longest five seconds of my life. It was 1985, probably around April (I don't think I noted it). I had no girlfriend, the band had split up and I had no energy to put it back together. I have ned bosses at work, who were doing their best to get mey to leave without a payoff. The reason? I didn't have a degree and the company who'd bought the company I worked for didn't employ technical staff who didn't have degrees. I was sharing a flat with a couple of people, wo were dealing drugs from the residence. Money and possessions were being nicked by their clients. I'd come in to my own front room and people would go "Who the f**k is he". It wasn't any fun. Nothing was. A year before, it all seemed too good. I had everything. I am resilient, but it seemed like a perfect storm and I could see no way out of it. Some of it was my fault, the relationship break up, the disintegration of the band. Some of it wasn't, the job, the flat situation (I shared a flat and the former flatmates had moved out and been replaced by some dodgy characters, which I couldn't prevent, as I was outvoted). I was also having serious health issues, mostly caused by the misprescription of drugs by my former GP. In short, I was feeling extremely down.
A friend of mine, who lived in Surrey, was having a birthday party. I didn't want to go, but I had said I would. I wasn't in the mood to socialise with anyone. There is nothing more depressing than having to pretend to be enjoying yourself, when you are feeling terrible. The train journey was a long and boring one. It seemed to go on forever. I was on my own in a carriage, the train was formed of the old slam door stock. It was extremely hot, the heating was on, even though the weather was hot. I opened the window and there was a pleasant blast of cool air. I stiuck my head out of the window and enjoyed the sensation of the air rushing through my hair. I felt a wonderful feeling of peace. The train was going at a good pace. I saw, in the distance another train heading towards us on the opposite track. The thought came to me that I could simply open the door and step in front of it at the key moment, and none of my worries would exist anymore. It was the most appealing idea I've had for months. I watched the other train hurtle towards us. For about five seconds, I committed to simply letting go and jumping.
Then I thought about the guy driving the other train. If I was going to do such a thing, it would be extremely unfair to inflict it on him. My problems would go away, but everyone on both trains would be inconvenienced. The driver might get injured or psychologically scarred. Am I that thoughtless that I could do that? If I was to do such a thing, surely I should do it in such a way that I upset as few people as possible. If I could have just ceased to exist, and all memory of me be erased, that would be great, but I realised that however you do it, there are consequences. I suppose skydiving into a volcano might work, but not much chance of that in Surrey. I also hated the idea of a bunch of mourners standing around saying how sad it all was,when I was happy with the whole thing.
I sat down and felt even more miserable, then I had a moment of clarity. All of the things that were making me miserable were fixable. I could get another job, I could find another flat easily enough. Why stress about them. The band? Well surely I simply needed to learn from the mistakes. Why did it not work? Why did I lose control of the situation? The answer was easy for me. We needed better songs and I needed to play guitar better. Thats fixable, practice more. Do a songwriting course. My health? I was thinking about it the wrong way. I needed to make changes. I needed to get my fitness back. I needed a new diet. I had been drinking too much. Then I'd been not drinking at all, as it was killing me, and so I stopped, then I recovered and I was drinking too much again. I enjoy drinking, but doing it every night didn't work. I realised that I was drinking because I don't like being bored and lonely and I hated being in the flat. The pub was better. But it was detrimental to my health to go every night. As for being in a relationship. It occurred to me that I needed to get my head together, before I would feel comfortable inflicting myself on anyone else.
The first thing was to sort out the job. Everything else could wait. I knew the bosses were scheming against me, I had to move first and get security. Then I could sort out the flat. Once I had the flat sorted, I could sort everything else out. Unless I wanted to date crackheads, I couldn't bring them back to the flat. But whilst I was living there, I could practice guitar more. I found a songwriting course, running in the evening. That was one evening out of the pub. A mate recommended a Yoga class, that was another evening, and that would help with the health. I stopped eating meat. I figured that this would make me more mindful of what I was eating.
I had not had a holiday for two years. I decided to go down to Cornwall and walk around it. My bosses were rather cross, they said "You've had three months off sick this year and now you want a holiday". I said "I need a holiday to recover". I pointed out that I had not had one for two years,which was probably why I'd got ill. It was just what I needed. When I got back, I felt recharged and ready.
What shocked me was a couple of my mates told me they thought I was going down to Cornwall to end it all. They had wanted to come with me, but I said I needed time on my own. They had recognised that I was depressed and in a bad place before I went. I explained that I had been, but that was never the plan. I just needed to feel the wind and the spray from the sea on my face, whilst I made my plan.
I was back. The dark place I briefly visited on the train was long behind me. I cannot even conceive how I got to that place now. The fact that I considered a very permanent solution to what were temporary problems shocks me now. But I also know how detacted and disconnected we can become and I understand how people get to that place. I am genuinely not sure how close I came to opening that door. I would never judge anyone who did. I am just genuinely glad I didn't. Life has been good to me since then, but I couldn't see it for a short period of time.
The day I returned, my bosses informed me that they were recruiting my replacement. I was ready for them. I had a job lined up, it would double my pay, but was with a customer of our company. I told them that I'd go if they waived the "no poaching" rule. They were shocked, I realised that they didn't like the fact they'd lost control of the process. I explained that if they prevented me, I'd take them to a Tribunal, as they were trying to constructively dismiss me. I went.
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