Suicide and young people - The unimaginable grief

Sometimes, I feel a great responsibility writing this blog. Some things need to be said, but how to say them is a burden. By a bizarre set of circumstances, I spoke to three different close friends who happen to be members of a club that no one wants to join. All three have lost children. Each was a terrible loss that will cast a shadow from which I am not sure one can ever truly emerge. I had arranged a recording session at the studio to lay down some new tracks last night. On the way, I bumped into John, who was picking up a curry at the Mill Hill Tandoori. I've not seen him since last year. His son James passed away in a terrible boating accident  in New Zealand in 2015, in which James heroically rescued a drowning friend, but was unable to save himelf. John was the first friend I knew who had suffered this sense of loss. Our friendship group gathered around the family as best we could, offering what support we could. We felt helpless, I could not imagine that anything good could come out of such a terrible event. At first, no one really knew what to do or say. However, there was one good thing which did emerge. James's friends rallied around the family, setting an example for us  older people. They showed us just how important it is to support your friends. The efforts they went to making us realise James had been loved was a huge help for all. It was an education for me and many of our friends. Due to the lockdown rules, I could only really nod at John and exchange pleasantries, but it was great to see him. 

The lessons of what James and his friends taught us sadly was reprised this time last year, when another good friend, Chris lost his daughter to suicide. This week, the coroner finally released their report. This week the family received the coroners verdict. This has shocked and saddened them. One of the worst aspects of lockdown is that we've been unable to visit Chris and Elaine and give any more support than the odd phone call. Reading the report, I arranged to speak to Chris tonight (Friday). He  called me last night, just as we were about to start recording, getting mixed up which day of the week it was. When Chris realised, he said he'd call back today. Much as I would normally have made the time and chatted, I couldn't last night. You may think "What could be more important than chatting to a friend going to a difficult time". Well sadly, the answer was that it our drummer Graham's son took his own life in January and it was the first time I've seen him. In case you are wondering, the track is part of a professional project we are working on. Our studios are large and we can properly socially distance. Much of the work we do is for clips that are used in various productions. We'd put this off as long as possible, but Graham came down and was in fine fettle as a drummer. It always amazes me how musicians can forget the ills of the world when they play. 

Much as I'd thought the passing of James and Eleanor was awful, for Graham there was the added dimension of lockdown. He has not been able to socialise, get support or even drown his sorrows in the corner of a pub. Whilst you cannot compare grief in such circumstances, only being able to see one of my very best friends in a working environment was difficult beyond imagination. We did have a good (socially distanced) chat. The session was quite intense and productive and Graham said at the end that he was really pleased he had come down. Two hours concentrating on something away from real life problems is always a powerful force for the good. There are many aspects of what happened that are troubling and I may well come back to them after the coroners report has been released, if the family are comfortable with it being discussed. There are however three things that need discussing.

 The first is the unimaginable strain put on people in the situation Graham finds himself. I fully understand and support lockdown regulations, but I do think people in his position are in exceptional circumstances. I would love to ask him around for a drink and a chat at home, but this is forbidden. by the regulations. I am not a believer in adapting the rules to suit yourself. We stayed sober for the session. Graham has been very wary of drinking on his own, he works for Camden council and has to get up, drive and be functional. I do think that in such circumstances, some form of special dispensation should be available. Not for a massive shebang, but to visit another household for support. 

The second thing that this flagged up to me is the issue of Facebook Suicide groups. I do not want to prejudge the coronors report as to the role, if any, these played, but it was clear that he'd viewed sites containing information about killing yourself. I cannot believe that such things are allowed to exist. It is clear that there are administrators and they clearly are not killing themselves. I really cannot believe that a responsible social media platform allows anything that promotes self harm. I do not know too much about this, I was horrified to learn that such things are permitted on easily accessible platforms. There are many things on social media that I don't like, but these are clearly dedicated to promotion of self harm. I've no idea of the scale of the problem, but it should not be a problem. 

The third thing that struck me happened after Graham left. As I went to return the keys to reception, the young lady we had on reception asked how the session had gone. I explained that it had gone well, but mentioned Graham's son. Graham is well known at the studio, being an original partner when we first started developing the business and having been a customer and studio user ever since. She looked dejected. She said "what is going on", explaining that a friend of hers locally had taken his life recently.

Something is seriously wrong. To learn of three young people so close to us who have taken their own lives in less than a year is terrible. I am not sure what we can do, where we can start, how we can persuade young people that there is a better way.  There are many things I could say, but the sadness and grief caused by young suicides is horrific. It is beyond my comprehension to understand how someone can get to that position, but it seems our young people are getting to that place ever more regularly. I cannot imagine the grief it would cause me to lose a child. I cannot believe my friends are so stoic, I am sure I would be in pieces if such a thing ever happened. I hope to God my kids know how much I love and cherish them. I believe that lockdown is not good for anyones mental health, but for young people it is especially tough. Occasionally we hear talk of the government doing something, but clearly it isn't working. I have no suggestions, but there are cleverer people than me out there, who understand the subject. We, as a nation, need to allocate some serious resouces to this issue. Seeing great people at the edge, is something we need to address, we need to pull them back. Nowhere in the whole lockdown response has been anything to assist people with grief. But the one lasting lesson James Murphy's passing taught me and it is one I will try not to forget is that we can do something. We can talk to our friends and support them when they need it. So take a moment to think who might and do what needs to be done. I will be speaking to Chris later. Maybe this time, he may even support me just a little bit, as I seek to help Graham. 

Apologies if this blog seems a little more all over the place than normal. It has been a tough old week.

Eleanor Lomax RIP - Why we need to wake up to the issue of teenage suicide

Sharp eyed readers will notice that I did not write a blog yesterday. The reason for this is that I was at the funeral of the youngest daughter of two of my best friends, Chris and Elaine Lomax. Their daughter Eleanor took her own life a couple of weeks ago, aged 19, following a battle with mental health issues. The last thing we saw from Eleanor was the sharing of a very disturbing Facebook post, which indicated a total lack of hope for the future. Sadly no one realised that this would be her farewell. She had not seemed distressed when she returned home from visiting friends, and had plans for the week to see friends.

We had last seen Chris and Elaine at New Year, they live in Yorkshire, so we'd had a few days outr with them and other friends to see in the new year. Eleanor couldn't join us as she was in a clinic undergoing treatment for mental health related issues. Chris and Elaine were really worried, as any parent would be. Sadly, there is such an epidemic of mental health related issues amongst teenagers, that I was not shocked or surprised at the news.  I've known Chris for well over 35 years, before Chris and Elaine had children, we'd travelled widely with them, going around Europe in my old camper van and across the North East of the USA. We'd watched their four children grow up, all lovely kids. Eleanor, the youngest was a quirky, beautiful girl who was always fun, She was the same age as my son, so our kids spent many a day playing together when they were younger. As  she got older, Eleanor and her Chris joined me with our HCPT group, taking disabled people to France. She was a very caring girl and great member of the group. When Chris's parents started to require more help, sadly they could no longer join us. I've not seen so much of Eleanor since.

Our families have a tradition of spending new year together, so that was where we'd catch up. Chris is a great guy. A natural comedian, who worked in both IT and nursing. Yesterday, when he gave a truly amazing eulogy, along with his eldest son Jason, who showed immense strength in speaking, this shone through. Chris managed somehow to sum up Eleanor in a way that was funny, accurate and heartbreaking. I can think of no one else who would have managed such a feat, in such circumstances. As a parent, this is perhaps the worst nightmare of all. We all want to see our children happy, healthy and thriving. For your daughter to commit suicide is the worst possible thing anyone could face. I am sure any parent would swap any amount of pain to change such an outcome, but sadly in the real world, that is not an option. As Eleanors small coffin entered the church, the true horror of what Chris and Elaine must be feeling hit me. The church in Penistone was packed to the rafters with friends, family and local well wishers. The vicar's daughter had been a school friend of Eleanor. One  of the jobs  for vicars is to preside over funerals and counsel those who are grieving, yet he acknowledged that even he could make no sense of the situation.

His address was one of the finest I've heard. His message, to a church  packed with teenagers was to be kind and support one another. He stated that social media was not the real world, but the pain it can cause is real. He emphasised that we are a community.

There is an old cliche that there was not a dry eye in the house. This was certainly true, in a way I've rarely seen.

I rarely ask for readers to support anything. However, if you have a few spare pounds, one of Eleanors friends set up a page to raise money for Mental Health UK. Whilst most readers will not know Eleanor or her family, sadly I think we all know people who have issues with Mental Health.

Please give a donation.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/eleanor-lomaxx

The page was set up by Tyler Beever one of Eleanor's friends. Like many of her peers, he is struggling to come to terms with what has happened. This is what he said

Unfortunately at the beginning of this week, we lost one of our best friends, Eleanor Lomax, who sadly took her own life. Ellie was only 19 years old. The circumstances of her passing are truly heartbreaking for everyone. Ellie has had ongoing mental health matters for a long period of time that she fought for years in which both family and friends have fought alongside Ellie to fight off the demons inside her head. The demons regrettably overcame our girl and the angels came to give her her wings to take her to the stars to have eternal happiness.
The most recent survey of the mental health of children and young people in England found that 12.5% of 5 to 19-year-olds had at least one mental disorder when assessed (2017), and 5% met the criteria for 2 or more mental disorders.This means that right now there are at least 10 million children and adults having issues with their mental health and well-being.In 2017 there were approximately 5,821 registered deaths by suicide in the United Kingdom, equating to an average of 16 suicides per day in the country.Mental Health UK:“1 in 4 people in the UK is affected by mental health problems every year. We bring together over 40 years of expertise from four national mental health charities to provide advice, information and support.”Our ask of you:
All we ask is for any donation possible (or even a share of this page) towards such an incredible and devoted organisation that helps people all across the UK. Organisations like this benefit from the funding they receive from donations that lead to help people who may be more vulnerable than ourselves.
Organisations like this also helped our Ellie during her fight and it would mean so much to us to return the favour for all of there hard work and commitment when helping our friend.
Furthermore, we are making charms and bracelets to sell with 100% of the proceeds going towards the four charities that are made up in Mental Health UK. 

But sadly there is more to the story, there are a few things that need to be said. Eleanor was lucky to have extremely supportive parents and a loving home. Sadly, the story reveals some major flaws in the way the UK deals with teenage mental health problems. I had a long chat with Chris last week. He told me a couple of things which shocked me. The first is that one of the biggest problems was that when Eleanor turned 18, she was no longer dealt with as a child and her whole mental health support team changed. There was no sensible transition from Childrens to Adult care. When you have built up a support network and this suddenly stops, this causes a massive problem. We have seen this amongst other friends in London, so it is a national problem. My view is that there should be a gentle transition for teenagers under the care of mental health services. I would suggest that rather than a sudden cut off at age 18, it is transitioned over a period of perhaps three year, with a proper plan in place. I know that the current system caused Eleanor, Chris and Elaine all manner of problems. The whole concept that fragile people can be dropped by their care workers on an almost arbitary date is horrific. Chris told me that the care and support the family has been receiving since Eleanor passed away is far better than the support Eleanor received once she became an adult. Clearly they need a massive amount of support to get through the family crisis, Chris described this like a bomb being detonated in the family home, but if the support had been in place for Eleanor, maybe this wouldn't be needed at all.

Our young people are precious. They are delicate. As a society they are our future. The sad thing is that in the case of Eleanor, she seemed to be the only person who couldn't see what a fantastic person she was and what a bright future she had.

As a friend who cares dearly for the family, I have to question if there is anything I might have done that might have made any difference. I have had several sleepless nights asking myself this. I came to the realisation that it is the wrong question. The right question is "How can I stop anyone else having to go through what Chris, Elaine and the family are going through?".  What can any of us do? Well, the first thing we can do is to make support for young people with Mental Health issues a priority for the NHS and local councils. Like all of Eleanors friends, we can support mental health charities. As  the vicar said in his Eulogy, we can remember that the people we interact with on social media are real and they have feelings. Be kind.

In memory of Eleanor, I am committing to making support for people with mental health one of the missions for this blog. This will be a theme we return to. One rather strange thing, which I can't fully get my head around, is that on the 18th Feb, the day after Eleanor passed away, I felt a compulsion to post a blog about the need to support people with Mental Health issues. This was inspired by the sad suicide of Caroline Flack. I had literally posted the blog and put the kettle on when we heard the news of Eleanor. My daughter had seen a post on Facebook by Eleanor's sister Faye and phoned us in absolute bits. The shock had made me forget the blog, it seemed irrelevant, but I was reminded yesterday of this  by one of our friends at the funeral, who asked why I'd not mentioned Ellie, assuming that it was inspired by her passing. I gave a couple of links in that blog for people who are suffering issues. It seems sensible to repost them here.


If you are experiencing issues, there is advice from the NHS here - https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

If you need support in dealing with any issues related to mental health or are concerned about a friend, here is a list of various available services
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support

If you live in the Borough of Barnet then there is also Barnet voice for Mental Health
https://www.inclusionbarnet.org.uk/barnet-voice-for-mental-health

For those in South Yorkshire, there is Mind
https://www.rbmind.co.uk/

And of course Mental Health UK, who Eleanor's friends are collecting for
https://mentalhealth-uk.org/


I will finish by saying that with every year, I find the world harder to understand. It is beyond my comprehension why someone as lovely as Eleanor could see no future. We can't fix all the problems on the world, but we can be there for our friends. If you've been meaning  to pick up that phone, or pop around to see someone who might need a bit of support, but you've been a bit busy, then do it. That is all we can do, when it comes down to it.