We need proper action to stem the tide of young people taking their own lives

 

What is the worst thing that could happen to you? Two of my very best friends have suffered what I suspect is the worst thing. They have both suffered the loss of a child to suicide. My friends Chris and Elaine lost their lovely daughter Ellie just before lockdown. It was a devastating blow. What troubled me more than anything was that lockdown hit and I simply couldn't be the friend I felt I should be during their darkest period. They live in Yorkshire and unlike Dominic Cummings, I did not feel that a trip up the M1 to 'test my eyesight' was responsible.  I wrote about it on 12th March 2020. Before the dust settled on the blog, we were in lockdown. We had a few phonecalls, but to be honest, I felt this was difficult and awkward, as I had no insight, nothing to say, nothing to add. If we'd been able to see them, have a beer and a chat, maybe I could have at least got to properly empathise, but I felt useless. 

I felt pretty damn awful about the whole thing. I made a personal vow to myself that if ever I was in the situation of having to support a friend again, I'd try and do better. I hoped and prayed that the Good Lord would spare me that burden. Sadly, last January (2021), another tragedy struck. The drummer of my band, on and off since 1985, saw the tragedy of his son taking his own life. For Graham, in some ways it was even worse. He was testing positive for Covid, so couldn't even leave the house to do anything. He was aware that his son was troubled, we'd had long chats about it, but suicide did not seem to be something that was discussed. I don't really think anyone knew the depths to which his son had sunk. What was clear for a long time before was that he needed support and this wasn't there. 

I wrote a blog on the subject at the time. It is a rather painful blog to read. I felt useless again, but I vowed to do something, anything to support Graham. The only thing I really thought I could do was to get him active in the studio again. I wrote some new songs and we started to work on a new album. I shaved my head to show solidarity with Graham and made a short video explaining why. 

It was all I could do. I was very worried about Graham. He's had his own mental health issues. He's been sectioned three times in his life. He is constantly on medication for it. I had no idea if he could cope. I was terrified that something would happen to him. I have always believed that music heals the soul. I'm not sure if this is true, but Graham tells me that playing in the band in the dark days helped get him through. 

I don't think anyone could get through such an event unscathed. Graham has had his ups and downs. Although he doesn't give himself the credit he deserves, apart from being an excellent drummer, he's a very intelligent, insiteful and sensitive soul. I've often felt that the reason Graham and many others have mental health issues is because they actually see the world for what it really is. It can be scary, I think people like me spend their life wrapped up in a fantasy in their own little world, pretending that tbad things aren't really happening. I think perhaps Graham lives a little too much in the real world. 

Anyway, please can I ask for your help. Graham has started a petition to get a massive increase in NHS resources for mental health and suicide prevention. PLEASE CLICK HERE AND SIGN IT. 

Why did Graham start it? Here are his own words.

Because of the shocking catastrophic loss of life due to whatever the wide spectrum of ailments are and that is a really large and complex spectrum ,The n.h.s is in a position to make a difference but it's not deemed a priority, only when it lands in a very common crisis situation and even then people are being failed and are dying unnessescarily having lost a son to suicide because the hospitals wouldn't admit him on the grounds that he didn't present debilitating symptoms of mental illness this is a classic mistake for the n.h.s not following up on cases were people including my son were showed off premises 10 to 20 times he even got 3 months jail for unlawfully holding 2 mental health nurses in a siege he thought it was nothing until a warrant was out for him the T.S.G turned up tasered him after he told em he had a gun then straight to court and 3 months ,not one of these authoritarians could have stopped and said why did this man do all this there is a lot more but I'll be late for work .this is an example of the shocking state of our n.h.s yes OUR it's our money that runs it don't belong to them whoever they are so dig in and speak and step up .what a great organisation CHANGE .ORG IS GOOD DAY

This is a real plea from the heart. It is seared with the pain of having experienced the worst that life can throw at you. Please share this with your friends. Don't think this couldn't happen to you or your loved ones. We are civilised Nation and I passionately believe that the health and happiness of our young people is the most important job of stewardship we have in life. We are failing them. We need to change the way we approach this whole issue.

Most people with Mental Health issues do not attempt to commit suicide, but they still need help. Some government ministers do not even accept that Mental Health issues are an illness. Sadly, many people find out the hard way that they are, and for some are as deadly as cancer or a heart attack.

I'll leave you with a short clip of Graham playing the drums on a new song we we started working on last week. For myself and Graham, music is a ray of sunlight in a punishing world (you can get a sneak preview of the full album we've been working on here soundcloud.com/falsedots/sets/the-false-dots-a-finger-in-the ) - I have untold admiration for the work Graham has put into this music over the last 18 months. I think it shows that you cannot dim human spirit completely. Sadly Graham tells me that mental health services that got him through his first breakdown simply don't exist anymore. Which may or may not be why he's here to make this amazing music and his son won't be. 

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If you are having issues with mental health you may want to contact your local branch of  Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/about-us/local-minds/

If you are feeling suicidal, please contact Samaritans

https://www.samaritans.org/

One lesson I've learned from the events of the last few years is that I really don't think Young people are aware of how loved they are or that there will be brighter times ahead, if you hang in there.

Suicide - Where can you get support when you need it most

A just under a year ago, we were heading up the M1 to Yorkshire for the funeral of one of my best friends 19 year old daughter. She had sadly taken her own life. It was a devastating event, one which life had not prepared me for. The pain, heartache and sense of hopelessness felt by everyone was beyond anything I could imagine. I didn't know what to say to my friends when we saw them. I felt a mixture of pain, guilt, sorrow and embarrassment at my total inadequacy faced with the situation. I had to be there, yet felt I could do absolutely nothing to help them. I even didn't know what to say to my own children who had grown up with her.  I had hoped that it would be a unique life event. Tragically, I was wrong. Since that sad day, my daughter has lost three of her group of friends to suicide. Last week, the drummer in my band, one of my best friends for the last 40 years, buried his own son. His son left behind a son of his own, who will now grow up without a father. In a pandemic, we can't even offer the support we want, go to the pub, have the beers, give someone a hug. I feel helpless, impotent and useless in the face of these challenges. 

But this is too important to simply sit back and do nothing. I've struggled to face up to how I could show support, what I could do. How I could show that I care. So I did the only two things I could think of . First of all I wrote this blog and recorded this video. Please watch this before reading on.

I wanted to make sure that I got the message out to as many people as I can, that if you need support and are contemplating taking your own life or know someone who you think might be, the Samaritans are there and can offer practical support. If you don't know what to do, how to approach someone, what to say, call them don't worry. This is why they exist. The British have an aversion to "wasting people's time", but when an organisation exists solely to help people who have such issues, no call is ever a waste of time. 

The second thing I could do was a gesture of solidarity. I thought long and hard about this. On Saturday morning I took the plunge and shaved my head. There are three reasons I did this particular act. The first is that you can't fail to notice it. It is a talking point. The second is that Graham, our drummer has a similar lack of hair and I felt it was a good way of showing solidarity with him. The third is that it is clearly a mistake (I look like a cross between Fester and Shaun Ryder) and it has caused much myrth amongst all who have seen it. I did not share my reasons for shaving my head until now. I thought that by inviting a bit of sniggering and then explaining, it might make people stop, pause for thought and think. People do many things we don't understand. Sometimes we judge them, laugh at them, tease them, without the slightest idea of why they have done something we might think stupid, laughable, idiotic. Sometimes though, they have a reason we were unaware of, something unfathomable. I was hoping that my loss of hair and my explanation may well spur a realisation that there sometimes is more going on. My hair will grow back, unlike suicide it is something that will be forgotten in a matter of weeks, leaving no trace. For families coping with suicide, birthdays, Xmas, all manner of other previosly joyous events come back as reminders.

The bottom line with this is that the five people I mentioned are five too many. Suicide has taken more people that our family know than covid in the last year. One thing Graham, our drummer told me, which I wanted to pass on. If you think that someone is about to harm themselves imminently, call 999. 

I will just reiterate one more time that if you need help it is there contact The Samaritans.

https://www.samaritans.org/

Suicide and young people - The unimaginable grief

Sometimes, I feel a great responsibility writing this blog. Some things need to be said, but how to say them is a burden. By a bizarre set of circumstances, I spoke to three different close friends who happen to be members of a club that no one wants to join. All three have lost children. Each was a terrible loss that will cast a shadow from which I am not sure one can ever truly emerge. I had arranged a recording session at the studio to lay down some new tracks last night. On the way, I bumped into John, who was picking up a curry at the Mill Hill Tandoori. I've not seen him since last year. His son James passed away in a terrible boating accident  in New Zealand in 2015, in which James heroically rescued a drowning friend, but was unable to save himelf. John was the first friend I knew who had suffered this sense of loss. Our friendship group gathered around the family as best we could, offering what support we could. We felt helpless, I could not imagine that anything good could come out of such a terrible event. At first, no one really knew what to do or say. However, there was one good thing which did emerge. James's friends rallied around the family, setting an example for us  older people. They showed us just how important it is to support your friends. The efforts they went to making us realise James had been loved was a huge help for all. It was an education for me and many of our friends. Due to the lockdown rules, I could only really nod at John and exchange pleasantries, but it was great to see him. 

The lessons of what James and his friends taught us sadly was reprised this time last year, when another good friend, Chris lost his daughter to suicide. This week, the coroner finally released their report. This week the family received the coroners verdict. This has shocked and saddened them. One of the worst aspects of lockdown is that we've been unable to visit Chris and Elaine and give any more support than the odd phone call. Reading the report, I arranged to speak to Chris tonight (Friday). He  called me last night, just as we were about to start recording, getting mixed up which day of the week it was. When Chris realised, he said he'd call back today. Much as I would normally have made the time and chatted, I couldn't last night. You may think "What could be more important than chatting to a friend going to a difficult time". Well sadly, the answer was that it our drummer Graham's son took his own life in January and it was the first time I've seen him. In case you are wondering, the track is part of a professional project we are working on. Our studios are large and we can properly socially distance. Much of the work we do is for clips that are used in various productions. We'd put this off as long as possible, but Graham came down and was in fine fettle as a drummer. It always amazes me how musicians can forget the ills of the world when they play. 

Much as I'd thought the passing of James and Eleanor was awful, for Graham there was the added dimension of lockdown. He has not been able to socialise, get support or even drown his sorrows in the corner of a pub. Whilst you cannot compare grief in such circumstances, only being able to see one of my very best friends in a working environment was difficult beyond imagination. We did have a good (socially distanced) chat. The session was quite intense and productive and Graham said at the end that he was really pleased he had come down. Two hours concentrating on something away from real life problems is always a powerful force for the good. There are many aspects of what happened that are troubling and I may well come back to them after the coroners report has been released, if the family are comfortable with it being discussed. There are however three things that need discussing.

 The first is the unimaginable strain put on people in the situation Graham finds himself. I fully understand and support lockdown regulations, but I do think people in his position are in exceptional circumstances. I would love to ask him around for a drink and a chat at home, but this is forbidden. by the regulations. I am not a believer in adapting the rules to suit yourself. We stayed sober for the session. Graham has been very wary of drinking on his own, he works for Camden council and has to get up, drive and be functional. I do think that in such circumstances, some form of special dispensation should be available. Not for a massive shebang, but to visit another household for support. 

The second thing that this flagged up to me is the issue of Facebook Suicide groups. I do not want to prejudge the coronors report as to the role, if any, these played, but it was clear that he'd viewed sites containing information about killing yourself. I cannot believe that such things are allowed to exist. It is clear that there are administrators and they clearly are not killing themselves. I really cannot believe that a responsible social media platform allows anything that promotes self harm. I do not know too much about this, I was horrified to learn that such things are permitted on easily accessible platforms. There are many things on social media that I don't like, but these are clearly dedicated to promotion of self harm. I've no idea of the scale of the problem, but it should not be a problem. 

The third thing that struck me happened after Graham left. As I went to return the keys to reception, the young lady we had on reception asked how the session had gone. I explained that it had gone well, but mentioned Graham's son. Graham is well known at the studio, being an original partner when we first started developing the business and having been a customer and studio user ever since. She looked dejected. She said "what is going on", explaining that a friend of hers locally had taken his life recently.

Something is seriously wrong. To learn of three young people so close to us who have taken their own lives in less than a year is terrible. I am not sure what we can do, where we can start, how we can persuade young people that there is a better way.  There are many things I could say, but the sadness and grief caused by young suicides is horrific. It is beyond my comprehension to understand how someone can get to that position, but it seems our young people are getting to that place ever more regularly. I cannot imagine the grief it would cause me to lose a child. I cannot believe my friends are so stoic, I am sure I would be in pieces if such a thing ever happened. I hope to God my kids know how much I love and cherish them. I believe that lockdown is not good for anyones mental health, but for young people it is especially tough. Occasionally we hear talk of the government doing something, but clearly it isn't working. I have no suggestions, but there are cleverer people than me out there, who understand the subject. We, as a nation, need to allocate some serious resouces to this issue. Seeing great people at the edge, is something we need to address, we need to pull them back. Nowhere in the whole lockdown response has been anything to assist people with grief. But the one lasting lesson James Murphy's passing taught me and it is one I will try not to forget is that we can do something. We can talk to our friends and support them when they need it. So take a moment to think who might and do what needs to be done. I will be speaking to Chris later. Maybe this time, he may even support me just a little bit, as I seek to help Graham. 

Apologies if this blog seems a little more all over the place than normal. It has been a tough old week.

A message to Matthew Offord MP - Go forth and Multiply

Anti same sex marriage campaigner Matthew Offord MP has been attracting much attention to himself of late. He has gone public with his view that the purpose of marriage is to procreate. As Mrs Angry rather cruelly points out, Mr Offord has thus far failed to actually procreate himself following his marriage. Now I'm a big fan of marriage and I'm a big fan of procreation. I have spent many a happy hour whiling away the time daydreaming about procreating. Being a good Roman Catholic, I'd have happily had ten children, because there is nothing I enjoy more than being in a mad house . Having children is great. It allows you to meet lovely new friends and develop exciting new hobbies. Since my kids were born, some of the marvellous new hobbies include getting up at 4.15 to ferry kids to the swimming pool, standing in the pissing rain for two hours watching inept eight year olds failing miserably to kick a ball to each other and best of all the marvellous sport of trying to get a coherent sentence out of a teenager.

It also teaches you great humility. After all of the sacrifices, you know you have succeeded as a parent when a polite request to move a coat dropped in the middle of the living room is met with "OH MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!" or a request to turn off a light or shut a door is met with "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM".

Now sadly  for me, my chosen wife is not a Roman Catholic and she doesn't share my desire to be driven insane at all times, for the fun of the intellectual challenge. Therefore she selfishly limited our family to a mere three children (she is also not of the faith, so doesn't feel guilty about it). As three kids singularly failed to cause me enough brain damage, I have successfully managed to persuade her to add two dogs to the mad house. Dogs are far better than children in many ways. If you give them food they eat it. They don't answer back and they wag their tails when you enter the room. Matthew Offord is also a fan of dogs. He made a huge fuss when the Parliamentary authorities banned him from bringing his dog to work. He claimed that it breached his dogs human rights. Personally, I think anyone who breaches a Dogs human rights must be a terrible meany.  How could they be so cruel to poor old Max (Matthews doggy). I must commend Matthew for subjecting himself to such public ridicule on behalf of Max. Personally, whilst I love my dogs, I would not want the world to think I had a screw loose on their behalf.

Matthew claims that  Gay marriage is the first step on a long, rocky road to the destruction of the institution of marriage. He used the issue of polygamy to demonstrate one way in which it might be undermined. Just think how society would collapse if we could all have as many wives or husbands as we like? As I stated above, I'm quite a fan of procreation. Matthew is quite right that dastardly devils such as myself would be tempted to try and bring extra wives back home. I can just imagine the conversation "Hello Darling, this is Uma, you may have seen her in Kill Bill, I met her at the drugstore and we got hitched at the Elvis chapel. I thought she could help you with the chores". Poor old Matthew doesn't realise that such things are not really the thing which damages most marriages in this country. Usually it is more likely to be a bit of extra marital shenanigans with Betty from billing or Bob from the Butchers.

I was discussing the gay marriage thing and Mr Offord with a friend of mine who was gay and had been married a while back. He married a woman when he was younger, before he came out. He believed that if he married and had kids, he would be able to manage. In the end, his wife got sick of the fact that her husband wasn't really interested in her. She suggested that they would be far happier as friends, if he could live his life the way he wanted and she could find a man who wanted a woman. They parted amicably and he says they are good friends, the children are happier and his ex wife is fulfilled. He plays a full role in his childrens life as a father. I asked him if he regretted what happened. He said that he would never regret having children and his children were the one thing in his life that he was truly proud of, but he bitterly regretted the hurt he caused his ex wife and says that he is blessed that she is so kind and forgiving. I asked him about how he feels about his ex's new husband. He laughed and told me they regularly play golf. It was a bit awkward at first, but once everyone realised that they had each others best interests at heart, it was fine. You may wonder about the kids. He said that because both he and his wife cared passionately about them, they did everything they could to protect them. When they finally told the kids the truth (at an age when they thought they could deal with it), the kids told them they'd known for years and their biggest worry was that "daddy wouldn't love them any more". When they realised that Daddy did love them and that Daddy was still there for them, they were happy.

I asked him how he felt as a father? He said that he had never missed a parents evening, a football match, a birthday party or anything else. He said that his kids talked to him as friends and confidants and felt there was a mutual bond of trust. When one of the children was seriously ill, he'd stayed at the family home for several weeks and was fine with it.

Then I asked him about gay marriage. He said that having been married and failed to keep the marriage together, he would not try again. He said that he felt everyone who marries should regard it as a solemn sacrament and be 100% committed to the marriage. He said that he couldn't judge anyone else as he'd failed himself.

My friend, who was raised a Roman Catholic, asked me how I felt about the position of the Church on the issue. I said that I feel it lacks a bit of compassion for people. I find it hard to condemn people to a lonely existence who have a different predeliction, when I enjoy my own, more conformist one so much. I find it almost selfish. I am happy and fulfilled with my life choices, so how can I possibly judge others who are wired so different.

His response to this shocked me. He said that I didn't realise just how miserable he'd been at one point. He said he knew his wife was being made to live a horrible existence and it was all his fault. He was considering committing suicide as a "honourable way out for all concerned". He said the only thing that stopped him was his son one day saying "daddy I love you so much, you won't die will you" after watching a documentary about a father who had a terminal disease. He then said that he entered a period of praying madly for "a cure". This brought no joy, just angst and turmoil. Eventually he asked a priest for guidance. The priest, who was clearly a wise and spiritual man said "God made you the way you are, that was his plan for you and it is not a cure you need. What you need is a purpose and a away forward, pray for guidance, not a cure".

He said that he prayed for this that night. He said that the priest had been the first person he'd ever discussed his feelings with properly. Shortly after, his wife asked him if he was gay and they worked out their separation. He said that his biggest fear was that she would cut him off from his children and cease to be his friend. In the circumstances, she insisted that he "remained their father and remained a part of the family".

Which brings us up to date. The children have almost grown up and are well adjusted and successful, the ex wife is happy and contented with a partner that appreciates her. In short, although we are not at the ending, everyone is pretty happy at the moment.

And the conversation returned to where it started. With our local MP, Matthew Offord. My friend said that perhaps the best thing Matthew could do is go forth and multiply. I'll let you decide exactly what he meant.

*** We discussed if he'd mind me blogging the conversation as reported above. He said that so long as I didn't identify anyone it would be fine. He read this before I blogged it and agonised over whether he'd be happy with me publishing it. That is why it has taken a few days to emerge. When he read it, he found it a bit "raw" but in the end decided that he wanted the story told. He said that I was the first person he'd ever really told whole story to. I find it tragic, I hope that getting it off his chest helps in some way.  As for Mr Offord, I hope he gets plenty of opportunituies for sex and travel after the next election. --- I have to admit that this is possibly the most disturbing blog I have ever written. When you realise just how sad and low peopleyou know and you like can really get, you have to readjust your views on life. If you are feeling the way my friend was feeling, please contact someone to talk it through with, be it a friend, a priest, a rabbi, or the Samaritans. The one thing I can say without fear of contradiction is that the world would have been a worse place if my friend had killed himself.  To me, that is all that really matters.  ***