If you'd just met me, byt didn't know me, you may well be surprised at what a sickly, unhealthy soul I am. On a visit to the Doctor a couple of years ago, I had a minor argument with her. I had been feeling unwell and I was concerned that it may be something serious. She did a quick examination, proscribed anti biotics and told me she'd write me a sick note so I could have a couple of weeks off work. I replied that I didn't want a sicknote, I work for myself and skiving costs me money. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't something more serious and asked her to have a quick browse through my medical history.
After she pondered it for a couple of minutes she said "Oh". SHe then explained that most people who come in and are my age are alzy hypochondriacs who simply want permission to skive and its cheaper to give them some pills and a sicknote. A whole range of tests were commissioned and a load of new conditions to add to the existing list were added. Fortunately none are at the stage where they are serious, so long as I am sensible. The problem is that I am not sensible sometimes. Each condition has its own different list of things that need to be done to keep them in check.
So for your entertaiment and to remind me, here is my list of non medical remedies that seem to work.
1. Hiatus Hernia. I was diagnosed with this in 1984. I was prescribed Tagamet until they found it caused cancer. I am now prescribed Omnaprazol. But if I follow a few rules, I do not get acid reflux at all. So what are the rules. Drink a litre of water before I eat in the morning. Then have porridge, nothing greasy. Don't eat after 6pm, don't eat greasy food. Don't drink acidic drinks like orange juice. Don't overdo the alcohol.
2. Gallstones. This was a recent discovery. When I was first told I had them, I didn't recognise any of the headline symptoms, but after eating a very greasy burger at a music festival the penny dropped and I realised this has been a massive problem for years. The remedy is simple, don't eat more than 40 grams of fat a day. It can be a bit boring. I can have a bit more on occasions, but I've had my last greasy burger. Just as important is to also eat more fibre. And one other thing, which was causing all manner of problems, I have stopped fasting. This is very bad for gallstones.
3. Prostate Cancer. Well I had my prostate out, but I completely changed my diet when I was diagnosed in 2011 and it has made me feel far better, so I persist, even though, in theory, it is unnecessary. I avoid dairy and I add Pomegranite juice to tea.
4. Vitamin B Complex deficiency. I didn't eat meat for 16 years. In 2001, I started to get all manner of odd symptoms. I was even given an HIV test (I am not in a risk group). Then I mentioned to my Dr about the not eating meat. He advised me to go and have a big dinner of liver and bacon. He said "come back in a week". I did and all of the symptoms had gone, almost magically. He said "You had a vitamin deficiency caused by being stupid, eat liver at least every three months". I have done. No more boils on the bum.
5. Severe joint pain. I have played a lot of football over the years. I've broken many bones. I've been run over. There are more bits that hurt than don't. I can't take anti inflammatories since I had a stomach bleed in 1984. However, I have found out that if I take turmeric, I can get by. It eases the inflammation and I am still here.
6. Ankle and knee issues. This has been ongoing for several years. It was getting too much, but I saw great physio, who recommended instep supports for my shoes. These massively helped. I can walk around 10,000 steps per day without pain. Sadly if I do more, it swells up and hurts and I have to rest for a few days and elevate it. It was suggested that maybe a new knee may help, but actually the ankle is far worse, where will it end?
7. Spider bite. I was bitten on my ankle in Australia by a spider in 1987. It has never properly healed. I still get really bad itchy eczma at the point. However an Aussie mate told me to wash my hair with Head and Shoulders and then put some on the eczma and it will improve. It did. So long as I do it, there is little itching.
8. Tinnitus. This is in some ways the least of my issues and at times the worst. It can literally drive you mad. For me it started after an operation to remove an infected polyp from my ear in 1984. The only thing that works when it is really bad is alcohol, which ain't great for some of the other conditions. However, if I get overtired, it gets worse, so it is a balancing act.
9. Anxiety. When I was 13, I was diagnosed with anxiety issues and given medication that my parents zombified me. I actually thought it was depression until a friend who was a GP explained that the medication was for anxiety. It made more sense. After I had my stomach issues in 1984, I took up Yoga and meditation. I still periodically suffer with anxiety, but so long as I realised that is what is happening, I can control it by using relaxation techniques.
10. Chronic back pain. When I was run over in 1988, I suffered a stress fracture in my L2 vertibrae. This has caused me significant pain ever since. In 2007, I saw a specialist and had an MRI. I was offered surgery, but there was a 20% chance of paralysis.I asked if there was another option. I had 26 sessions of physiotherapy. I now have a series of exercises and stretches that keep it at a just about manageable level. I also have massages and have had acupuncture. It is kept in check.
I played football until I was 60, I still play in a gigging band. I almost never take sick days, apart from medical procedures. I've never claimed benefits because I couldn't work. I've got the MRI's and X-Rays to prove all of these. I am a believer in the mind being able to drive you through anything. There are things I'd love to do Run a marathon, do the Camino. They are not possible, but I will go down fighting, We are all different. I have great sympathy for everyone who has any of the above conditions. They are all horrible in their own way. I don't judge other people, however for me. the first question I always ask is "What can I do to help myself?". My Doctor advised me that I appear to have an extremely high p[ain threshold. I suggested that this was a good thing. She said "not really, most people get their issues sorted out rather than enduring them". I asked which ones could be mitigates with minimal side effects or risks. She had another look and said "Er, Nothing".
In truth, so long as I remember all of these rules, I am fine. It's when I don't that it all goes wrong.
Have a great Saturday. Here's a song I wrote about living with all of my ailments.
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