Do you ever have moments in your life where everything changes, where the door that had been holding you back in life opens and you move to a new chapter? I am of the opinion that our society is deliberately designed to divorce us from our true self. Our consumer society is designed to distract us from the things that should really matter. How many times are we too busy staring at our phones to see the beautiful sunset above our heads. I was considering the issue of spiritual awakening and realising that there is something deeper and more important that we should be focussing on. I am not talking about Jesus appearing and suddenly we become a Holy Joe, quite the opposite. I think that often organised religion is one of the biggest problems, because it puts us off finding the deeper meanings in things. I personally do believe it has a place in society, as it provides a focus for ommunity and churches are great spaces. However, I have never actually had any sort of spiritual awakening in a church or at a church service.
I have, however, had moments. These are those moments.
1. Walking around Cornwall in November 1984. I'd just split up with my then girfriend and I needed some headspace. I decided to take a couple of weeks off work and walk around the Cornish coast. There were no toursits around. The weather was cold and crisp. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing or where I was going. I didn't really know myself. I just facied walking around the Cornish coast. There was one moment, when I'd pitched my tent in a farmers field and walked up to the top of the cliffs to watch the sunset, that I sat there. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I was totally at peace with everything. I just enjoyed the silence. When the sun finally set, the stars and the moon were spectacular. It was probably the most beautiful moment of my life. I can remember thinking that although I was a very small part of creation, I was the only person in the Universe who had witnessed that amazing moment. I think this was perhaps the first, maybe the only time in my life that I'd felt completely at peace with the Universe. Then I realised I was cold, hungry and I went to the pub and it was gone. I had no idea of the storm that was brwing for me personally.
2. On a train to a mates birthday party in Surrey in early Spring 1985. I was at a rea low. I had split up with my long term gilfriend, all my fault really. My health had been awful following a serious stomach bleed. The band had split up and I was totally bereft. It was one of the old style trains, the ones where you could open the door whenever you wanted. I decided to look out of the window and I saw a train hurtling towards us on the other track. I thought to myself "I could open the door, jump in front of it and in a second it would all be over". It seemed a very attractive thought. I am not given to such negative thoughts, but I was in a bad place. It seemed like the perfect solution to everything. For a second I was going to do it. Then I thought "What about the bloke driving the other train?" I realised what a terrible experience it would be for him. I thought of all of the people on the train, off for a night out in London. All would have their evening ruined. I thought "Do I really want my final action to be one of devastating selfishness?" I realised that this was not really me. It pulled me back from the edge. I sat back down and started to focus on the the solutions to my problems. By the time I arrived at my friends party, I was in a better place.
3. A yoga class in 1987 in Flower Lane. After my health issues in 1984, I started doing yoga to try and rebuild my health. There was an amazing class in Flower Lane, lead by the redoubtable Joyce, who was a real inspiration. I just did it as a gentle exercise class when I started, to try and rebuild my fitness gently following my healath issues. Joyce was possibly the most spititual person I've ever met. The class was about an hour and a half. We'd do a 10 minute relaxation at the start, an hour of yoga exercises, then a 20 minute meditation at the end. When I started the class in 1985, I dismissed the meditation completely. As time went on, I started to appreciate it. Following the death of my father in 1987, I was devastated. I simply couldn't get my head around it. In 1988, Joyce announced at the start of the class that we should all think of something that was troubling us and when we did the meditation, we'd address that. I immediately realised that it was my Dads death. After the exercise bit finished, we lay down, she dimmed the lights and explained that all problems could be solved, you just needed to free your inner spirit to allow it to guide you. I wanted to know what had happened with my Dad. So as we sank into the medetitive state, through breathing exercises. I wanted to see my father and understand why he had to go. I found myself in the most beautiful garden I could possibly imagine and my Dad was their, fit, young and healthy, with members of his family who had passed. He was delighted to see me. He said "Rog its great to see you". I was totally overcome with joy. Then he said "You shouldn't be here, it's not your time. With that, I was back in the class, but I was completely at peace. From that moment, I knew things will always be alright.
4. Getting run over in 1988 at Burnt Oak. I got hit by a car crossing Burnt Oak Broadway. The driver was doing 40mph and jumoping the lights. I still bear the physical scars. When I saw the car hurtling towards me, I knew I was going to die. There was no way to get out of the way, no where to go. But I felt totally at peace. I realised that I had no fear of death or dying at all. It is just part of the natural cycle of things. But then, a little voice in my head said "Jump", so I did. The bonnet of the car crashed into my thigh, my feet went through the windscreen, I rolled over the roof and then fell on my head. I have never felt such pain, but I was alive. I was pleased to be alive. I have never worried about death since.
5. April 2020 Lockdown. I decided that this was the perfect time to "finish my book". I had been writing it for two years. I started to read through it. I started to get very angry. All of the betrayals, all of the people who'd let me down. All of the people who'd used and exploited me. There was nowhere to go and no way to escape the clautrophobic environment and no outlet to release the anger that was building. I took the dogs for our 1 hours exercise around Darlands Lake. I was very deep in introsective thought and then I realised "It's all done, it all worked out OK, they didn't win, they didn't destroy me". I realised that I was OK, I'd done OK. I'm not perfect, far from it. I don't have all the answers, maybe I don't have any of them. But I am not going to be defined by anger driven by other people who clearly have some sort of agenda. It is easy to forget this, but it is true.
To sum up there were five real aspects, maybe there will be more. But for me, spritual awakening is recognising the beauty in the universe, that is the for all of us for free, realising that self destructive behaviour affects other people and is not the fix for your problems, realise that there is more out there and sometimes you need the right person to help you find it, that in the worst moments you can find peace and enlightenment and finally that letting other peoples anger define you simply holds you back.
I am blessed and lucky. I have good things in life. The most important thing is to appreciate them. Nothing lasts forever. I was inspired to write this, as I was woken up by our inconsiderate next door neighbours builders at 7am. There was a terrible crashing and banging. I looked out of the window and saw this. It reminded me that sometimes, God/The Universe/Random stuff (delete as you please) is trying to get your attention, when annoying stuff happens.
Have a great weekend!
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