One of the organisations I despise most is News International. I don't like their papers, I don't like their politics or ethics and I hate the fact I have to give Sky TV nearly £50 a month to watch football. In light of this it gives me great satisfaction to think that the person with the worst job in the world is on their payroll !
Who do I mean? I mean the bloke who's job it is to listen in to the phonecalls of all the celebrities that they were bugging. Just consider some of the victims.
Alan Shearer, Vanessa Feltz, John Prescott, Alex Ferguson to name but a few. Can you imagine how mindnumbingly boring some of these conversations could be, especially with the accents of some of the victims. Have you ever sat next to someone on the train, who is chatting on the phone? Can you imagine having to suffer that for 7 hours a day. Especially if you are expected to come up with juicy scoops. Just imagine the scenario
In the NI Office :
Editor : "Ted, pick up Line 1. We've got Alex Ferguson calling John Prescott, bound to be a story there"
---
Fergie "Aye, Prezza, scoon dein hurgle"
JP: "Oh Hi Alex, I was just putting some peas on to boil"
AF: "Theet Blar scunner, hays a dungle furgle, Scurdle, Yurdle durdle"
JP: "Oh that was at quarter past three"
AF: "Ach aye. Deedle gurdle yet orgle borgle"
20 Minutes later
JP: "Oh Alex that's hilarious"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle and burdle"
JP: "oh yes, Oh yes, Oh Yes"
AF: "aye, aye, scurdle burdle and durdle durdle"
JP: "Oh dear Alex, I've let the peas boil dry, Pauline will be furious, must go"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle"
---
Editor : "Ted, I see the Fergie call has dropped. Any exciting scoops"
Ted (lying through his teeth): "Erm, oh, yes, Fergie told him that he's signing Alan Shearer for £18 Million".
Editor: "Great, we'll make some enquiries"
---
30 Minutes later.
Editor: "Quick Ted, pick up line 1, Shearer's Agent is calling him"
Ted (Rather worried) : "Oh Ok"
Agent: "Hi Alan. The News of the World have just called. They've been tipped off that Manchester United are going to bid £18 million for you !"
AS: "Oh dear. I've just planted some tomatoes in the allotment"
Agent: "But Alan, this is your chance to make a fortune"
AS: "I'm thinking of putting a shed there as well. Do you think Argos will give me a free shed if I say 'I like Argos sheds' next time I score a goal"
Agent: "Alan, Manchester United are GOING TO BID £18 MILLION FOR YOU"
AS: "Look I'd better go, I think we've got greenfly on the runner beans"
Editor : "Ted, what did they say"
Ted: (Lying through his teeth) - "Shearer said he wouldn't go for less than £35 Million and he wants £200,000 A WEEK."
Editor : Great.
20 Minutes later:
Editor : "John Prescott is calling back Fergie. Ted, quick pick up the line"
JP: "Alex, Alex, I've just had Tony on the line. He's livid. He's heard you are going to pay £35 million for Shearer and give him £200,000 a WEEK. Alex he's a Newcastle fan. He watched Jackie Milburn on the terraces for years. He's blowing his top. Apparently MI6 have just intercepted a call from his agent."
AF: "Theet grady scunner sharher wents £200,ooo a wek. The grady battard, the greedy greedy battard. Well yae cun teel ya meet Townee thet, sharher can feek raight arf. Aye wunnae pey the grady battard 50p a wek. Hees troouble, hes a skunner, skin landy gurtle snortle, maust gae"
Editor : "Ted, Ted, whats the news?"
Ted : "Deals off boss, United wouldn't meet his demands" (deep internal relief)
2 minutes later :
Editor: "Ted, Ted, quick pick up line 2 - Vanessa Feltz is calling her fiance"
VF - "Hello darling I'm feeling hot, really hot are you"
Fiance - "yes Darling"
VF - "I'm wearing stockings suspenders and I'm covered in Chocolate..."
At this point Ted, takes off the headset, runs to the top of NI Towers and jumps.
Would you really want that job?
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