The Saturday List #5 - My least favourite sportsmen

Tomorrow is the first time a Brit appears in the Wimbledon final since 1938. Sadly that Brit is Andy Murray. I hope he gets stuffed 6-0, 6-0, 6-0. Why you may ask? Well he always stikes me as a particularly charmless and dull individual. On top of that, his statement that he always cheered when the England football team lost meant I hold him in nothing but contempt. Wimbledon is in ENGLAND and if he doesn't like us, as far as I'm concerned he can "Feck Off". Not only that but Roger Federer has a very cool name and is a man who exudes class.  Anyway in honour of the sulky Scot, here's my list of all time least favourite Sports Stars.

1. Andy Murray (see above).

2. Roy Keane - He was a horrible player, responsible for ending Alf Inge-Haarlands career with a deliberate vicious assault of a tackle. If you watch the footage carefully, Keane spat on Haarland as he lay prostrate on the floor with a broken leg. He also let down the Irish national football team by flouncing out in the middle of a world cup. Football is a team game. Roy Keane thought he was bigger than the nation.

3. Sir Alex Ferguson - He is the manager of Manchester United and has lead them to a period of unrivalled domination of English football. As a Manchester City fan I loath him.

4. Joe Bugner. I'm a big fan of boxing, but I never warmed to Joe Bugner. He always seemed particularly charmless. This was reinforced by his demeanor on I'm a celebrity.

5. Don Revie. Revie fashioned a Leeds side that were cynical and dirty. Their footballing ethos was horrible. He then became England manager, replacing Sir Alf Ramsey who had won the world cup and made England into a real world footballing power. Eight years later under Revie they failed to even qualify for the World Cup. How can you like such a man.

6. Damon Hill. Formula One drivers should exude passion and excitement. Damon Hill was the Gordon Brown of motor racing. Dull, Dull Dull. I love drivers such as Senna who was the archetypal driver. I even like nutcases like Nigel Mansell, who won races purely on the tactic of having the largest gonads. What can we say about Hill? Nothing very interesting.

7. Dwain Chambers. I hate all drugs cheats. Every preson they have ever beaten has been cheated by them. That is bad enough, but Chambers bleating "it's not fair, I WILL go to the Olympics" makes me sick. I hope he comes last.

8. Chris Eubank. The only positive thing I can say about Mr Eubank is that he was in the right profession. He really is someone who you want to thump.

9. Sepp Blatter. The reasons are numerous, but his conversion to goal line technology when a decision benefitted England was the final straw.

10. Tony Gregg. The South African born England Captain, who annouced he'd make the West Indies (at their peak) grovel before the might of England. England were soundly thumped. There were clear racist overtones in Griegs comments. How fitting that such a man is only remembered for being an arse. Here is a great clip about the incident

The Friday Joke - 30/9/2011

As I sit contemplating this glorious Indian summer and the shenanigans at Barnet Council this week, I was rather stumped for a suitable Friday joke. Then I remembered may dear old Dad's favourite joke. I've modified it slightly to make it more current. There's an English Councillor - Brian Coleman, Sir Alex Ferguson ( I've been told he's a well known Scotsman), and a Welsh Councillor - Daniel Thomas (the only twat in the Village by all accounts).

They are at a civic reception to celebrate Great Britian at Hendon Town Hall. To show their national allegiance, Brian Coleman has a red English rose, Sir Alex Ferguson has a Thistle and Councillor Daniel Thomas has a bunch of Daffodils. All three get struck down with a sudden urge to go for a poo, they are ushered into the Mayors private lavatory (refurbished recently at a cost of £11,000 - seriously).

Brian enters the toilet first and after many gurgles, farmyard noises and pongs, emerges with a smug grin. He announces "Sorry guys, I've used up the last of the Mayors toilet roll". Undaunted, and using the sharp minded intellect for which he is famed, Fergie grabs the bunch of daffodils off Thomas and enters the cubicle. After more farmyard noises and smells, Fergie emerges with a huge grin, but no daffodils. Thomas enquires "What have you done with my daffodils". Sir Alex laughs "Sorry Sonny, their was no toilet paper and needs must". Thomas is mortified "But daffodils are the national symbol of wales, you've wiped your arse on the national symbol of wales." Sir Alex, chortles and says "I'm sorry sonny, here get your own back when you go" and hands him his Thistle.

Have a nice weekend (and for those of you who don't understand humour, it's a joke. I'm sure that Sir Alex would never do such a thing to Councillor Daniel Thomas. As to whether Brian Coleman would leave Dan Thomas in the lurch with the loo roll situation, I'm pleased to say I have no idea whatsoever).

I agree with Alex

The words I never thought I'd say. Yes it is true. I agree with Sir Alex Ferguson. Speaking yesterday, he suggested that Roy Hodgson should be named manager of the season for his achievements leading Fulham to the Europa League final. Look at the pedigree of the clubs they've knocked out. As regular readers of this blog will know, I spent a bit of time in Sweden in the early 1980's and actually met Roy having a drink. We had a brief chat about football and he seemed like a really nice bloke. Bear in mind that at the time he was completely unknown and I knew nothing of Swedish football, I thought his team was the equivalent to the Royal Scot FC, who I played for occasionally at the time. One of the Swedish guys with him told me that he was the best thing ever to happen to Swedish football.

It certainly looks like he's the best thing ever to happen to Fulham Football Club.I for one will be an honoury member of the Fulham FC supporters club on May 12th. It's my sons birthday and I think he may well be allowed a late night to stay up and watch the match.

The worst job in the whole universe !

One of the organisations I despise most is News International. I don't like their papers, I don't like their politics or ethics and I hate the fact I have to give Sky TV nearly £50 a month to watch football. In light of this it gives me great satisfaction to think that the person with the worst job in the world is on their payroll !

Who do I mean? I mean the bloke who's job it is to listen in to the phonecalls of all the celebrities that they were bugging. Just consider some of the victims.

Alan Shearer, Vanessa Feltz, John Prescott, Alex Ferguson to name but a few. Can you imagine how mindnumbingly boring some of these conversations could be, especially with the accents of some of the victims. Have you ever sat next to someone on the train, who is chatting on the phone? Can you imagine having to suffer that for 7 hours a day. Especially if you are expected to come up with juicy scoops. Just imagine the scenario

In the NI Office :
Editor : "Ted, pick up Line 1. We've got Alex Ferguson calling John Prescott, bound to be a story there"
---
Fergie "Aye, Prezza, scoon dein hurgle"
JP: "Oh Hi Alex, I was just putting some peas on to boil"
AF: "Theet Blar scunner, hays a dungle furgle, Scurdle, Yurdle durdle"
JP: "Oh that was at quarter past three"
AF: "Ach aye. Deedle gurdle yet orgle borgle"

20 Minutes later

JP: "Oh Alex that's hilarious"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle and burdle"
JP: "oh yes, Oh yes, Oh Yes"
AF: "aye, aye, scurdle burdle and durdle durdle"
JP: "Oh dear Alex, I've let the peas boil dry, Pauline will be furious, must go"
AF: "Aye, Aye, scurdle durdle"
---
Editor : "Ted, I see the Fergie call has dropped. Any exciting scoops"
Ted (lying through his teeth): "Erm, oh, yes, Fergie told him that he's signing Alan Shearer for £18 Million".
Editor: "Great, we'll make some enquiries"
---

30 Minutes later.
Editor: "Quick Ted, pick up line 1, Shearer's Agent is calling him"
Ted (Rather worried) : "Oh Ok"

Agent: "Hi Alan. The News of the World have just called. They've been tipped off that Manchester United are going to bid £18 million for you !"
AS: "Oh dear. I've just planted some tomatoes in the allotment"
Agent: "But Alan, this is your chance to make a fortune"
AS: "I'm thinking of putting a shed there as well. Do you think Argos will give me a free shed if I say 'I like Argos sheds' next time I score a goal"
Agent: "Alan, Manchester United are GOING TO BID £18 MILLION FOR YOU"
AS: "Look I'd better go, I think we've got greenfly on the runner beans"

Editor : "Ted, what did they say"
Ted: (Lying through his teeth) - "Shearer said he wouldn't go for less than £35 Million and he wants £200,000 A WEEK."
Editor : Great.

20 Minutes later:

Editor : "John Prescott is calling back Fergie. Ted, quick pick up the line"

JP: "Alex, Alex, I've just had Tony on the line. He's livid. He's heard you are going to pay £35 million for Shearer and give him £200,000 a WEEK. Alex he's a Newcastle fan. He watched Jackie Milburn on the terraces for years. He's blowing his top. Apparently MI6 have just intercepted a call from his agent."
AF: "Theet grady scunner sharher wents £200,ooo a wek. The grady battard, the greedy greedy battard. Well yae cun teel ya meet Townee thet, sharher can feek raight arf. Aye wunnae pey the grady battard 50p a wek. Hees troouble, hes a skunner, skin landy gurtle snortle, maust gae"

Editor : "Ted, Ted, whats the news?"
Ted : "Deals off boss, United wouldn't meet his demands" (deep internal relief)

2 minutes later :

Editor: "Ted, Ted, quick pick up line 2 - Vanessa Feltz is calling her fiance"

VF - "Hello darling I'm feeling hot, really hot are you"
Fiance - "yes Darling"
VF - "I'm wearing stockings suspenders and I'm covered in Chocolate..."

At this point Ted, takes off the headset, runs to the top of NI Towers and jumps.

Would you really want that job?