I ask this because last night I had a brief moment of stunning clarity, in the most unexpected of circumstances.I was playing at the Midland Hotel in Hendon and the gigs was going really well. There was a great crowd and the response from the crowd was fantastic. As a band, we like to clown around when we are playing. I decided to leave the stage and just sit on a table near the front of the stage where some punters were having a drink to play my guitar solo. As I sat there, I was in a no mans land between the band and the audience and I thought "it doesn't get much better than this". Being able to watch the band from the audience perspective, whilst being part of the band was fascinating. There are two ways of looking at it. After a 40 year career paying in the False Dots, the fact that we are still playing at our local spiritual home in Hendon could be seen either as a stunning success or a complete, abject failure. For me, what could be better than being surrounded by friends, playing great music, on our drummers birthday. As often happens at Dot's gigs, a bunch of people who'd never seen the band before came up and complimented us on a great show. Perhaps the nicest compliment was from a couple who were staying at an Airbnb in Hendon, for a visit to London. They had been out for the day in town, seen the pub as they alighted the station and decided to nip in for a quick half. They stayed till the end of the show and thanked us profusely for giving them such a great night. The guy had been a hippy in the 1960's and told me it had reminded him of his youth, he hadn't been expecting such a show as he alighted the train.
The False Dots at the Mids! https://t.co/MqdhxD2oS2 pic.twitter.com/iGt0OFWvTu— John V. Keogh (@JoViKe) March 15, 2019
We can all take what we want to take from anything. To me, playing live music in a grassroots venue is what music is all about. Meeting new people, helping save pubs, and having great friends is as successful a life as I could wish for. I realised in this brief moment of clarity that we are all, in some ways, slaves to the expectations of ourselves and others. My father once told me, as I was struggling to deal with a difficult situation in my love life "Son, life is never really as good or as bad as you think it is at the time. The best moments pass quickly and the worst moments seem to last forever, but they do pass". He then said "look, sometimes you can't have what you want, you just have to find someone else to want instead and try not to screw things up next time". That was perhaps the best advice he gave me. He told me that you can only truly be free if you can leave the difficult moments of your past behind. So if you want to free your mind, here are my top ten tips!
1. There is nothing you can do to change the past.
Once something is done, it's done. Endlessly analysing past mistakes and trying to figure out what you did wrong is unproductive (unless you are an air accident investigation officer). If you screwed up, learn from it and move on
2. You live life for yourself.
Whatever decision you make in life, it has to be right for you. Shotgun weddings are seldom happy. Whether it's choosing a uni course because your parents wanted you to study the subject or selling your motorbike because your wife thinks you should start being sensible , if you let someone else dictate your path and force you down a path you don't want, you will never be truly happy and you will always feel resentful.
3. Avoid negative people.
The one thing that is guaranteed to destroy you is negativity. If you have a person who constantly puts you down and makes you feel bad, then it will destroy you. Simply edit them out of your life. If you can't (relative etc), then keep all contact to a minimum and when they engage in conversation, talk banalities and refuse to engage.
4. Learn to value quality over quantity.
We settle for second or third best far too often. We can't have the best all of the time, but we should all make sure we occasionally have the best. Last year we went to Australia on holiday for two weeks, It cost an arm and a leg, but was worth it. It gave us something to look forward to for the year we were planning it and something to look back on. I doubt that going to Majorca ten times would have quite the same uplifting quality.
5. Never accept cruelty.
I detest cruelty above all other things, be it cruelty to animals, children or vulnerable people. I hate snide put downs that undermine people. If you see someone being cruel, then that is a person that you should avoid like the plague. If you are in a position to call them out, do.
6. Learn to take time out.
The hardest thing in todays world, with mobile phones, social media 24 x7 TV is to get quiet time. I go to Church once a week. The phone goes off and I sit at the back and simply reflect on life. Often I don't listen to a word that is said, but I always feel like my batteries have been recharged, I've also done yoga for many years and that is another great way to chill. As mentioned above, playing the guitar is a great release. One of the reasons I love vinyl records is that you put them on and leave them alone until the side finishes. No fiddling around to select the next track. All of these things help keep me sane.
7. Block social media trolls.
It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but if you are interacting with someone on social media, who makes you feel bad, simply block them. In one click of a button, a major source of misery in your life will disappear.
8. Accept pain and misery.
When I was a child, I had no grandparents, they'd all died before I was born. The nearest thing I had was Mrs O'Keefe. She was my mums cleaner. She came from county Kerry and was lovely. She'd play with me and always bring me chocolates and treats. She worked for my mum until she retired. I used to visit her home in Homefield Road Burnt Oak and she'd always make me tea and toast. Towards the end of her life, she developed cancer. I went to see her in hospital shortly before she died. She was frail and weak and in pain. I asked her how she was and she said "It is awful, but I am offering up my suffering for the Holy Souls". She simply accepted her pain and troubles. She said "what will be, will be Roger, just be happy for the good life you have". I went home and cried, I was about 14 at the time. I didn't understand what she was saying. I do now. You have to accept misery and pain as part of the human condition. It makes us appreciate the good times.
9. You learn from listening.
You never learn anything from talking. If you are a master of an art, then it is great to pass on your knowledge, but if you are not, learn to listen. My blogs are full of reminiscences of people's sayings, I hope I listened enough.
10. Respect everyone.
When we were putting up studio 1, back in 1990, I was fitting a gutter to it (we built it from the ground and did all of the work ourselves apart from wiring and blockwork). An old Irish builder came over and started taking the mickey out of how I was doing it. Anyone who worked in the building trade, would know how such a conversation would go. One of my studio partners was amazed when I took the gutter down and started again. He said "Why are you listening to that old fool?". I replied "How many gutters have you put up?". He replied "None". I said "I imagine he's put up a few more then?". Although the chap was a mickey taker, that was his way of making me do the job properly. My former partner had made the mistake of not respecting him. I volunteer with a disabled charity and I've learned that everyone is deserving of respect. When we lose sight of the fact that every human is entitled to the same level of basic respect and dignity, we lose our humanity. Even when people do terrible things, we should still treat them with respect and dignity. That is why we have rule of law. After the second World War, the top Nazi war criminals were given legal trials and had the best defence lawyers. Had Hitler won, our leaders would have been summarily executed or paraded before the world and given staged show trials. That is why I believe our system is better. Never stoop to the level of those who's actions disgust you. They will only drag you down. Disengage from them, but always be respectful.
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