Wednesday, 24 March 2021

A guide to the Festival of #Brexit

#BREXITFEST SPPONSORED BY PORKIE'S PIES

The Barnet Eye is absolutely delighted to be able to announce that we have been leaked an early copy of the plans for Boris Johnson's Festival of Brexit from our mate Stan in the Cabinet Office.

 Here are just a few of the amazing exhibits that we can expect to see.

1. R├ąttenfisk - This amazing installation consists of 43 tonnes of rotting fish, which fishermen are now unable to export to the EU following the new Brexit rules. You can take home your very own rotten haddock, which can be easily tied to the subframe of your neighbours car, giving you hours of fun as he tries to work out where the pong comes from.

2.  Visaworld! -  This brilliant work is a collection of all the Visa's that you now need to secure if you wish to visit Europe. There is a fascinating section displaying all the attractive stamps you can now get in your passport, for a small fee, when you visit EU member states. 

3. 90 Days? A short film documenting the fun British expat citizens living in the EU, who did not fill out the required paperwork for residency, have had packing their possessions as they move back to Good Old Blighty.

4. Scheisse! An immersive display, where you can bathe in fresh river waters from around the UK following removal of EU protections for water quality.

5. Road Trip. A humourous look at life in the fast lane of the M20, with a UK Lorry driver explaining the hours of fun you can have filling customs declarations and border checks as you collect Gherkins from Hungary to fill our shelves.

6. Ireland Oh Ireland. The romantic tale of the cross border trade in horse semen for the Irish racing industry throughout the ages and how the new border in the Irish sea is affecting Irish racehorse owners racing horses in the UK.

7. A Place in the Sun. A fantastic display of ways that the mega rich can get around all of that annoying paperwork that prevents plebs buying homes in the sun, now we are no longer EU citizens, with a humourous introduction from Stanley Johnson, explaining how checking your second property is not a holiday for the purposes of Covid laws.

8. Born to Be Blue. A look at the amazing new blue British Passport and a short list of all the places it is now easier and cheaper to visit since Brexit..

9. Goal. This fantastic installation looks at all of the profesional footballers who Premiership clubs would no longer be able to employ had #Brexit been in place and explains the huge benefit not being able to recruit young talent from the EU will have on the Premiership.

10. Love in a cold climate. A specially commissioned play detailing the tragic tale of Romeo a young Frenchman and Juliette a young Londoner, who fall in love but are kept apart for 90 days out of every 180 by Brexit regulations.

AND A VERY SPECIAL UNVEILING OF A STATUE OF NIGEL FARAGE BOARDING A SEALINK FERRY TO CELEBRATE THE SUCCESS OF BREXIT!

Disclaimer - Sadly, we made this up. Not the effects that are detailed, which are 100% accurate, but sadly you won't be able to get a rotten haddock, swim in Schiese of see the wonderful collection of visa's at the festival. However, if Boris fancies paying me as a consultant at the usual exhorbitant consultancy rates that he pays his mates, I'll happily put it all together for him!


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