I thought long and hard about whether I should write this and if so what should I say, but I think it is a really important subject and I genuinely feel that it is a subject worthy of discussion. I started writing this blog a couple of years ago, but when I read it back, I realised that I didn't answer the question I'd asked in the title. I wanted to say this, but it has taken four drafts and I think I've got it right! In fact the answer is the answer to all life's problems (for me at least).
I don't want to delve too much into the background to this, in truth because to this day I don't really understand it. But in a very concise summary, about 20 years ago I was having a drink with someone and they became very serious and said to me, completely out of the blue, do you know that XXXXX absolutely hates you?
I was completely taken aback. I had no idea at all. They then told me that they felt they had to tell me, as without realising the ill will born towards me, I could be laying myself open to situations that would be very bad for me. In truth, I didn't believe it. In my own mind, there was no reason for it and no inkling of the ill will. I asked why this was and they said that the person had a raging hatred but hadn't actually explained the reason why, beyond the fact that they thought I was the devil incarnate.
I am always someone who seeks to get to the bottom of the matter. I assumed that there had been a misunderstanding, so I confronted the person in question. I expected them to say "Oh sorry about that, it was about this" and we'd sort it out. Their response was shocking to me. They said "That was a private conversation and I didn't intend for you to be told". My response was "So it's true". They said "yes". I asked why. I expected to be told of something I'd done that had been misinterpreted. What I got was a complete character assassination, listing all of my worst personality traits and explaining why this made me a despicable human being. I listened, but was rather confused. I am far from perfect, but in my own mind at least, I'd always been very onside with said person and it seemed a bit bizarre. I pushed and said "I'm not perfect, who is, I simply don't understand why you are saying this". They then said "You told such and such XXXXXX". I hadn't and we both knew the person was a habitual liar and a trouble maker. I said "How can you possibly believe that?". They replied "It has the ring of truth". I realised that there really wasn't any point arguing. When someone makes up their mind, you are not going to change it. I said "When you realise that's a load of old B****** we can discuss this further" and walked off. To this day they haven't.
The truth is that it really upset me. If it was someone, I didn't like, I'd not have cared a jot, but I liked, respected and admired the person in question and they clearly hated my guts. What was worse was the fact that I knew they were highly intelligent, but they seemed to be totally unable to provide a rational reason. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that this wasn't a new thing. Things I'd laughed off years before, I now realised were calculated micro-aggressions, designed to rile me. I also realised that this explained why certain mutual acquantainces had suddenly and for reasons I could not understand, also become hostile.
The most difficult thing of all was that I couldn't disengage from seeing the person in question. They would be around and creating issues, whether or not I liked it or not. I realised that they would be dripping poison about me behind my back. For a while, this caused me a big problem. Initially, I wanted to fix the problem, assuming it must be my fault and that it was down to me to sort it out. When I found out I had cancer in 2011, I thought it was an ideal opportunity. To my surprise, my overtures were met with the response "It's Karma mate, you deserve it" or words to that effect. I was so taken back that all I could respond was "I didn't realise that you were into new age stuff".
In truth, I was really hurt by this, but it was the best thing that they could have said. It made me realise that there wasn't much point trying to reconcile. If they can be nasty about getting cancer, then they are just nasty and that is that. I spent years trying to analyse what the whole thing was about, how I could have been so unaware for so long and missed all of the signs. In truth, the more I thought about it, the clearer it should have been. But I still found it all rather upsetting. It bothered me that this person I liked and admired could feel so vitriolic about me. During lockdown, I had time out. I got a lot of things straight in my head. Of all the situations in my life, this was for me the one that I understood least and that bothered me most.
I came to realise that the main problem I had was that I was letting the situation upset me. If I thought about it in a rational manner, it was quite easy to resolve. Firstly, I had to accept that the person had made their mind up. I can't change that. There is no point at all expending emotional capital on people who don't like you. Then there was the issue of the people who knew both of us. I try not to badmouth people, but I knew for a fact that this was not reciprocated. This was perhaps what bothered me most. I then realised that this wasn't really an issue at all. As any friendship we had was disengaged, there was little that could be said that was damaging. A couple of years ago, a mutual friend, who clearly had been upset by something that had been said, asked "What is the problem between you two". The honest answer is "they hate my guts and I am not at all sure why, I could guess but they've never actually told me anything that satisfactorily explains it". What did I say? "What can you do when people lack a sense of humour". They roared with laughter and asked if I'd been winding them up. My response "Well it certainly seems that way". Their response "You do realise that not everyone gets your sense of humour".
Quite by accident, maybe I'd actually found out, after nearly 20 years what the problem was. Could it be that all this angst was just because someone didn't appreciate my sense of humour? It is the best answer I have. But in truth, it doesn't really matter. Sometimes people just decide they don't like you. If it is casual acquantances, it doesn't matter. When they are work colleagues or family it is more problematic. But ultimately the solution is the same. You are not psychic, you never really know what anyone is thinking. If the only way you can keep the peace is by not being yourself, then it is unsustainable for more than a short time. My solution is to keep as much distance as possible without being visibly rude. Just be neutral, don't make an effort, but don't pick arguments. Life is too short to worry about people who don't like you. When circumstances force you to be in the same room, just take practical measures to try to not get irritated by them or give them reason to snipe.
Then there is how I feel about them now. Just because someone hates my guts, doesn't mean I have to hate them. Why bother? During one of the arguments we had when this first started, the statement was made "I know you hate me". I replied that I had no reason to and just because someone was being irrational, I wasn't going to waste any emotional energy at all on them. This actually infuriated them, possibly more than if I'd said I did. But it was true. Apart from saying a few things behind my back, they've not really done anything that warrants such an action. You can't control what other people think of you, but you can control your own emotions and being swamped in negativity will never make you happy.
This doesn't mean that I am totally immune from getting upset by such things in the short term, but once any intial shock and anger that there may be has passed, I have a simple strategy. If we are in the pub, sit as far away as possible. If they make digs, smile and laugh and ignore it. If mutual friends tell you things that are upsetting, just say "Ah well, you know what it's like". People can only hurt your feelings if you let them. Life is too short for that. I just whack on the Ramones, have a cup of tea and think to myself "I can either listen to the greatest band in the world and smile or I can think about comments from someone who no longer matters to me and feel miserable, easy choice".
Whilst the music of The Ramones is around, and no one is physically hurting me or my family, everything else is just noise. This is what keeps me smiling it works for me.
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