As Lent is almost at an end and it's the one day of the year where Jesus, according to Christian tradition. is officially dead, it seems like a good day to look at my weaknesses and frailties. It is only by facing up to these and working on them, that we ever improve. I don't believe that admitting such things is a weakness, it is a strength. But only if we acknowledge this and work on it.
1. I am hellishly unhealthy. I've had more operations, ailments and illnesses than just about everyone I know. I'm not a hypochondriac, I just see them as things to be gotten over. Here's a list of the operations and serious medical conditions I've had. Born in 1962 with blue baby syndrome, I spent my first month in an incubator. 1966 - Tonsils out, 1984, in Hospital for Mallory-Weiss stomach bleed, 1985 - Operation for polyp in left ear, 1988 - In hospital following car craash with damaged vertibra and tibia, 1990 operation for mastoids, 2000 - Operation for inguinal hernia and torn groin, 2011, diagnosed with prostate cancer, numerous biopsies under anaesthetic, HIFU treatment in 2016 and a radical prostatectomy in 2023. I suspect the next thing will be an operation on my ankle as it is my achillies heel! It's a miracle I'm still here
2. My issues with anger. When I found out I was going to be a father in 1995, I sought professional help and enlisted on some therapy for anger management. Much to my displeasure, the first thing I was told was that it wouldn't 'cure' my anger issues. It would simply help me manage them better and be more rational. It is a work in progress. The thing I learned is that when you are in a real 'red mist' situation, there really isn't too much you can do, so try and avoid them. It works pretty well most of the time. I recall once at work a particularly nasty management individual screaming in my face. I simply walked away and went for a cup of tea in a local cafe. When I returned, they screamed "Don't you EVER walk away when I am talking to you". I very calmly said "I have and will never walk away from you when you are talking to me, but if you abuse me and shout at me, that is a different matter. Now can you make your point in a polite and rational manner". They were visibly shocked and said "Who do you think you are, talking to me like that". I simply responded "Somebody who the company pays to do a job, not somebody the company pays to be verbaally abused". The said individual walked off. I realised I'd made progress, because before I had counselling I reacted very badly to people shouting at me. The person in question was a real bully, but after that they never acted that way in my presence again. Keeping calm is far more effective.
3. My dyslexia. This was diagnosed only as part of the anger management therapy I had and explained a lot. I could never understand why, when I did what I thought was excellent work at school, I came bottom of the class ir why I can't spell or understand grammatical rules. It cast a shadow. At least now I have some idea why I always did so badly and have strategies.
4. I hate bullies. Again, this is tied up with the two preceding weaknesses. I cannot respect bullies and if I see someone being bullied I tend to get angry. If it is me, I can react very badly. I am also aware that I am not perfect. I went to a school where there was a lot of what we called banter, but I now recognise as bullying. I was as bad as everyone else and now I realise that it was awful. I think that to some extent nearly everyone at FCHS was the same, but there were some natural victims, who had an awful time. I was far from the worst person, but it is pretty shameful to me to realise that I was not nice to some people. I owe a few people an apology. Oddly enough, I was one person a couple of years ago, who I had the perception I had been horrible to and they said that I was fine, just a bit of a pisstaker and they really didn't mind. I set higher standards of myself now.
5. I am hellishly lazy around the house. I just hate housework and tidying up and I love mess and clutter. Whilst this isn't a problem for me, it bothers certain other members of the household.
6. I am deaf. This is partially due to the mastoid operation I had and partly due to loving loud music. It is becoming a real pain in the bum. I should do something about it and get a hearing aid, but keep finding reasons to put it off. I am ok in a quiet place one to one, but in pubs etc, I often can't hear a thing.
7. I am greedy. I love food and alcohol. Until I was 30, I couldn't put weight on. Now I can't keep it off. There is no excuse really. The one saving grace is that I don't have a sweet tooth. In my head, I have it all under control, but sadly much of the time the scales disagree.
8. I suffer fools badly. One thing I learned when I stood for the council and did a lot of canvassing was just how badly informed many people are. That is bad, but they are convinced they are a genius and know everything. Sadly, people are indoctrinated by newspaper such as the Daily Mail and The Sun and have many opinions that are completely unsustainable by a rational analysis of facts, but sadly they are unwilling to even look. Somehow, there are no trusted sources for many (apart from some dodgy video on Youtube by a bloke in Estonia apparently). It drives me to distraction.
9. If I find someone boring, I switch off. This is OK at the pub, but more problematical at work, when you are supposed to be listening to what people are saying. I try and be respectful, but I really can't stand crashing bores.
10. I believe there is a solution for every problem. My Dad actually pulled me up on this once. He said "You think there is a solution for every problem and you are right. The problem is, for some problems the only solution is a coffin"
I think a lot about my Dad at Easter. He passed in January 1987, but he was a man of faith and this was a time loved, as he said it was spring and the time of new life. Oddly I'd say most of my weaaknesses, I inherited from him. I wonder if he ever really worried about them? I wrote this song about the business he ran, Mac Metals crash repair shop and the individuals he employed in the 1970's. This sort of sums up the prevalent attitudes of young men in the 1970's in London.
Have a great Easter
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