Rock and Roll Stories #22 - The most bonkers rock and roll weekend ever!

 Cast your mind back to 1985, specifically Saturday November 23rd 1985? What were you doing? A few memory joggers. Feargal Sharkey was number one in the charts with A Good Heart. The TV shows of the day were Terry & June, Noel Edmonds Late Late Breakfast show and Bobs full house. Ring any bells? Well it wouldn't have with me, because I was in Belgium doing a gig with The False Dots, supporting our mates band Soldier Bike at the Tiki Club. I have no idea where this actually was. All I know is that it was the most bonkers weekend of my life. 

At the time my day job was working for a software company called System Designers who had an office on the Buckingham Palace Road. Due to my poor health earlier in the year and a complete rebuild of the band, we'd only done one gig that year, which was performed as duo, with myself and Allen Ashley. We'd recently recruited Graham Ramsey on drums. Various attempts to recruit a bass player had failed,  our regular bassist Paul Hircombe was abroad and so we asked the Dots old keyboard player, Chris Potts to stand in. I also roped in another mate,  mad Captain Ubungus on lead guitar. We had a gig at the Cricklewood Hotel and a gig at the Bull Arts centre pencilled in for late November/early December, but it had been a quiet year. During 1983/4 the band had been on a high, with Venessa Sagoe on vocals. We'd done some amazing gigs and great recordings, but the whole thing imploded in September 1984. By December 1984, I was seriously unwell. I had six months off drink and worked very hard to learn to play guitar properly and even did a songwriting course, as well as getting stuck into my day job. I'd had the job since October 1983, but I realised if I wanted to do anything in music, the clock was ticking and I needed to do things a bit differently.

I got together with Allen, who was a bit older than me and not from the usual Falsedots mold. At the time he was working under the name Allen Lucas. He wasn't a party animal, he was very serious poet and was most businesslike around the band. Whereas Venessa could sing anything and be amazing, Allen had a very indie, Smiths style of singing. It was a complete change of direction, but I was seriously excited as we put together some excellent songs, which I believe stand the test of time, and it seemed right for the time. In the second week of November, Graham asked us if we'd like to do a gig in Belgium with his mates in a band called Soldier Bike. I immediately said yes. A period of frantic rehearsal started. We recruited my great mate, Ernie Ferebee to handle the transport logistics. Ernie was always happy to drop everything for some fun.

I thought it would be a good test for the band and a great crack to do a gig in Belgium. We weren't really ready for such a gig, but The False Dots never duck a challenge. The plan was simple. We'd meet up on Friday 22nd November at The Three Hammers pub in Mill Hill, then drive in convoy to Dover, take the ferry to Zebrugge, and drive to the Tiki club, do the gig on Saturday night, have a beer and come home. The club said they were happy for us to bring sleeping bags and crash at the venue.

The idea was to meet at 7.30pm and drive down when everyone arrived. I was working, so I went back to my flat, got changed, got my guitar and gig bag and got the 240 bus up to the Hammers. By 8pm, the False Dots were all there and having a beer. No sign of Soldier Bike. By 9.30pm, we were getting worried, but also having a pleasant chat. At 10pm, Rick Collins, Soldier Bike's bassplayer arrived. He explained "They were running late", this set the pattern for the weekend. By 11pm, they arrived and we set off. We'd missed the Ferry we wanted, but no problem, we had loads of time. 

We got down to Dover in a couple of hours and by about 2.30am were on the ferry. A bar was open so we had a quick drink. Then the captain announced that due to an incident at Zebrugge Harbour, we were diverting to Dunkirk. This was a problem for Soldier Bike. Their tour manager, a chap called Amon (not his real name), was a deserter from the French Foreign legion. The French immigration officials would be on the lookout. He was facing a ten year prison stretch if caught.

Frolicks on the way to the gig on the Belgium Autobahn

A plan was devised to hide him in the van. We arrived in France and to our amazement, they didn't search the van. We were through and now we simply had to find an unmanned border crossing (the was pre Shengen). Happily there were plenty, and the drive passed without too many incident, but a few roadside shenanigans. We got to the Tiki club in good time. Both bands did a soundcheck, which went well. We'd hired a Simmonds Electronic kit for the gig, that both bands shared. It sounded great. 

The club was really nice. A proper backstage area with free food and drink and even an in house hairdresser. They believed in looking after bands. We had our hair crimped for a laugh and even got Ernie, who was ten years older than us and former Rocker to do the same. Waiting around for gigs to start is always the worst bit of touring (that and sleeping).  

Rog, Graham & Ubungus at the Tiki Club

Amon was in charge of the 'medical supplies' to keep Soldier Bike on the road. He had a huge lump of the finest hashish resin that was liberally to be distributed. Unfortunately, before he had a chance to distribute said items, the clubs guard dog, a huge, fierce mastiff, with cropped ears, ate it. Amon, was really upset and worried about the effects of the dope on the dog, however, the club owner dismissed it saying "bastard dog is always doing that, cannabis is not poisonous but keep out of his way". Ernie was a rather good player of the Jaws harp and as each new calamity happend, he'd play the theme tune of Laurel and Hardy to us and we'd burst out laughing. He played the tune rather too many times

As we'd had nearly no sleep and a fair amount of alcohol, we all slumped into the armchairs and the sofas provided and had a doze. The dog was clearly getting rather stoned and curled up on the floor next to Captain Ubungus, who was lying on a sofa. Ubungus started stroking the dog with his bare foot, to sooth it. I was quietly chatting to Ernie, as we watched, the dog rolled over and Ubungus's foot was now rubbing it's privates, without him realising. We started to chuckle as the dog started to get excited. Ubungus then rolled over onto his front and so his foot was not on the dog anymore. The dog was not happy that his new found friend was no longer exciting him and jumped off the floor, onto his back, paws around his neck and started violently humping him. It was a hilarious scene. Ubungus went to struggle, but the enormous dog growled aggressively and carried on, Ubungus had no choice but to lie there and think of England. At this Ernie pulled out his Jaws harp and went to play the Laurel and Hardy theme tune. The dog, which was very stoned, heard this strange noise and leaped off Ubungus and straight at Ernie. Now Ernie was 6'7 and 24 stones. He'd worked as Johnny Cash's personal security on his UK tour and was knew how to defend himself (thank God). He managed to grab the flying hound mid air and just stop it before it ripped his head off. Ernie grabbed the dog and said "Go and sit in the corner, be a good boy". The dog meekly obeyed, realising it was dealing with an even more dangerous beast. There was a small nick on the end of Ernies nose, where the teeth had come down. He washed it with vodka to avoid Sepsis. We all kept very clear of the dog after that.

Onstage at The Tiki

At around 8pm, the False Dots took to the stage. The audience was a mixed bag of punks, skinheads and bikers, liberally mixed with some extremely pretty young ladies. A few of our songs were fairly up beat punky ditties which they rather enjoyed, but they reacted rather less well to the more romantic ballads that Allen had introduced. One of the songs was a punky diatribe about fascists that I'd written called Nazi Boys. Allen was quite perturbed when he realised that some of more skinhead members of the crowd seemed to think it was not a song that was critical of such things. They were dancing along and making rather uncool salutes, but seemed to be enjoying themselves.  I could see it was upsetting Allen, so I said "It's five people mate, look the rest think they are idiots". It was a bit of baptism of fire for Allen. Graham and I hod done a fair few boystrous gigs and were just soaked it up. Allen had less experience of such places and for a first full band gig, it was pretty daunting but he did OK. Ubungus just sailed through life and enjoyed the moment. We finished our set and then enjoyed the rest of the evening. Soldier Bike were amazing. After they finished, there was a new wave disco, which I thoroughly enjoyed, until 5am. I didn't get any sleep, we were clowning about, chatting to the local girls, as best we could and generally soaking up the atmosphere. There was a rather amusing moment, when one of the girls asked if I was the guitarist of The False Dots brother. She said "You look a lot like him, but he's much better looking". I'd changed out of my stage wear, and she hadn't realised.

At around 9am on Sunday morning, we rounded up our gear, loaded the van and set off. We stopped at a service station for Brunch, got the ferry and were back at the Three Hammers for the drop off for 7.30pm. Myself, Ernie, Graham and Ubungus stayed until closing time. We were going to leave earlier, but when I was down to my last 20p, I put it in the one armed bandit and won a tenner, so we carried on drinking. At around 9,45pm, the surreal nature of what had happend in the last 48 hours hit me. I turned to Graham and said "Did all of that really happen, or did I just imagine it?". Graham replied "You couldn't make up when the dog humped Pete". It was a great experience and I realised what we had to do to make the band work for such gigs. My advice to all bands is to grab such opportunities with both hands. If nothing else, 40 years later, you'll have some great stories!

At 9.30am on Monday morning, I wandered into the System Designers office, clutching a much needed bacon roll and a cup of tea and within ten minutes, it was as if none of it had happened.

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The False Dots are still going. Please come along to our 46th Birthday party at the Dublin Castle, in Camden in Sunday 16th February CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS