Perhaps the most difficult lesson I've learned over my 62 years circling the Sun on planet Earth is that sometimes. you just have to let things go for your own happiness and wellbeing. When friendships end, it can be painful. I am not talking about relationships, where you are in love, then you are not. That is a whole different thing, far deeper. But we rarely talk about the ending of more casual friendship, where thre has been no sexual element, where we just spent time in someones company because it was good fun and then for whatever reason, we find that we simply cannot be around those people.
I am a very loyal friend. I stand up for my friends, I try and be there for them. Sometimes friends make calls on your friendship that place a huge burden on you. When they have a bad time, you share it and you worry. But that is part of being a friend. When they cry, you cry with them. In my book, you don't abandon friends when they are going through a rough patch and are not much fun to be around, and need your support. So when do you cut the ties and move on? When things become toxic. What does this mean? I have had a few toxic friends over the years. People who's company always comes at a cost. My friendship is unconditional, however it has to be based upon respect. If someone lacks respect for me (or my family) then they are not worth the effort.
This week I've seen two stark contrasts in friendship, that have put a burden of sadness and grief on me. In one case, it was a burden I was more than happy to shoulder. One of my dearest friends saw the death of the mother of their children, in a sudden and unexpected medical tragedy. It was a horrible situation, but I made myself available for them, we had a drink, I have been doing what I can to assist with sorting out the debris of the legal mess that it left. My only concern is that I can't do more. I do this knowing that the care and concern would be reciprocated.
The other example of friendship? Well I don't want to go into it in too much detail, but it has left me feeling let down, angry and physically sick. Someone who I believed to be a friend to me and my family has behaved in a despicable manner and to compound it, they've been completely cowardly in what they've done. What really irks me, is that they are someone I've done everything I can to support over the years, with disputes with the local authority and planning problems. I've long known that they don't always deal with things in a rational way, but I've always excused this, as I felt that deep down, they are a decent person, with a degree of honour and courage. Sadly, I've learned that the honour and courage I perceived, did not extend to basic decency. I have come to realise that they are someone who is a bully, who is quite happy to abuse their position and behave in an atrocious manner towards people who they feel are not in a position to defend themselves. I've not been on the receiving end of this, but I have directly seen the effects it has had on people and it has, for want of a better description, angered and sickened me. What makes the whole thing far worse, is that they have not taken responsibility for their own actions and made other people do their dirty work, which to me is extremely cowardly.
What makes me even more irritated is that their actions potentially should have a huge financial effect for them, but they've made a calculated decision that the person who has been on the receiving end of this will, perhaps out of a missplaced sense of loyalty to other people who may be affected, not fight for what is rightfully theirs. This person was a close friend. As far as I am concerned, that is over. I cannot excuse such behaviour. Maybe in a year or two, I might tolerate being in the same room as that person and be polite, but at the moment, I feel like punching them in the face. I am not a violent person, but even thinking of their behaviour makes me well up with anger.
Thirty years ago, when my wife was pregnant with my eldest daughter, I realised that I did not deal with stress and anger well. I didn't want to have children and lose it. I booked some sessions with an anger management therapist. By and large, this has mitigated the worst of my moments of Red Mist. This week was a challenge. I even said to my wife, as I left the house "If I am not home in two hours, I've punched ****** in the face and I'll be at the Police station". The lessons I learned thirty years ago kicked in. I took some time out, I asked myself what good such an action would do. I told myself that if I did such a thing, I would be the bad guy. I would be the one with the problem. And then I did the most powerful thing I could. I wrote down my thoughts. You are reading the fifth edit.
I am incredibly hurt, angry and cross. But I refuse to let someone who has no moral compass undermine my beliefs in non violence, rational thought and the power of love to conquer all. I will not be punching anyone. If I see the person, I will simply disengage. I refuse to accept their gift of anger and hatred. My asssumption is that should they ever see this blog they will shout "C**T" and badmouth me. All I feel is a bitter sorrow that they are so blinkered that they cannot see what they really are.
There are times when things depress me. Get me down. This week may well have been one, but I have a wife and three children and I have to show them the right way to deal with things. What is the right way to deal with a callous betrayal of friendship? The answer is quite simple. I have shaken the dust from my shoes, my anger has subsided to be replaced with sorrow and mourning for someone who I used to think I knew, but I realised all I saw was a pale reflection in a mirror. And I've made an arrangement to see a friend for a beer who warrants my friendship and needs my support.
Tomorrow I will wake up and the Sun will rise and God willing it will shine on me. It will warm my soul and I will start the rest of my life, without someone who was not deserving of my friendship. The ending of a friendship is a moment of sadness. The most tragic thing is that all I've lost is something I now realise I never really had in the first place.
And with that, have a great weekend. This track rather sums up my feelings when I wrote the first draft of this blog, especially the first verse. I'm OK now though.
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