Today will be the day you die!

 Did that get your attention? Well it must have because you are still reading the blog. And do you know what? It is absolutely true. The moment it happens, you will be living in 'today'. Will you be ready? In the week ending 17th January 2025, 14,765 people in England and Wales passed away. Around 20% died of influenza or pneumonia, and 0.6% involved covid. So around a fifth of the people who left this mortal coil, were hurried along by an infectious disease. Most would not have been expecting this, as they tucked into the their Xmas dinner or celebrated New Year. Then there are accidents. The British Safety Council reports 

"The total rate of accidental deaths in the UK has increased by 42 per cent in the last decade, RoSPA’s figures show. Accidents are responsible for 20,000 deaths a year – almost half of which are the result of falls. Poisonings were the second biggest cause of accidental death in 2022, accounting for 26 per cent of deaths after seeing a 96 per cent increase over the last decade. Deaths caused by road traffic accidents have fallen 17 per cent in the past 10 years and accounted for seven per cent of accidental deaths in 2022." 

I was quite staggered to read that the rate of accidental deaths has risen by 42% in ten years. Even more alarming is the rate of poisonings, going up by 96%. Then there is suicide, The Samaritans report

 Data from 2022 is the latest occurrence data released by the Central Statistics Office. The following figures are accurate as of 25 November 2024: 436 people died by suicide in 2022 - 346 males (79%) and 90 females (21%) The overall suicide rate was 8.6 per 100,000  The male suicide rate was 13.9 per 100,000, compared to the female suicide rate of 3.5 per 100,000

Most of us think that if we died suddenly, it will be a heart attack. According to the British Heart Foundation, this affects about 500 people a year. 

I could make a few points, if you don't fancy an unexpected death, get vaccinated against flu and covid, take care whilst driving and around the home, be careful with poisons and get a general check up for other fatal medical conditions, especially cardiac issues if there is a history in the family, and check in on friends who are having a heard time but that is not what this blog is about (but hey, I love y'all so I want you to stick around). 

Dad swimming with Mum & my nephew Laurence
in Florida 4 days before he died

The point I'm making is a lot of us will shuffle off this mortal coil a lot quicker than they expect. If you ask most people, they are not ready to go, they still have things to do, places to go, people to see, etc. My Mum was one of the few people I know who was ready to go. She was 83, her eyesight had deteriorated to the point that she couldn't read. She was virtually housebound and in ill health and she told me that Guinness and Scotch were what made life bearable. But she also said that she had no regrets at all. She'd done all the things she wanted to do in life. Married, had six kids, Grandchildren, Great Grandchildren, travelled the world, been successful in business and had good friends. As most of her friends had passed and she felt she was a burden on us, she wasn't bothered about living. The Doctors told her to stop drinking and go on blood thinners, or she'd die within a year. She drank like a fish and lived for another 18 months. I was her youngest child. I was on holiday in France with her, the week before she passed away. She told me a couple of things that I've never shared with my siblings, but I think the time is right. The first thing was that she said she was terrified that one of us would die before she did. She said that if this happened, it would kill her. She said that if that happened, she would feel very selfish as it would detract from the real tragedy of the death of a younger family member. She said "parents should always die before their children". At the time, my eldest brothers (they are twins) were sixty three and in good health. She said "Roger, Laurie (my Dad) was swimming in Florida three days before he passed away, you never know". The second thing, which to me was even more disturbing was "I can't stand the way you all think I'm an idiot. I am cleverer than all of you but I can't speak properly. You are only happy when I sit here smiling like a fool". She'd had a stroke a few years before and suffered from a condition called Jargon Aphasia, which made it hard for her to express herself.  It was possibly the only time I realised just how angry she was with her situation. I found that if I had a couple of Guinness with her and she relaxed, the condition would abate. Sometimes she'd speak lucidly for five to ten minutes. Then she'd get stuck and panic and get upset. I told her that we all understood her condition and no one thought she was an idiot. She simply snapped back "You really think I'm stupid don't you" and refused to communicate further. 

Immediately after our holiday in France, I flew with my wife and children to San Francisco. My plan had been to have a chat with my siblings, upon my return, as to what Mum said and to work out a way to show we didn't think she was stupid and worthless. I felt it was really important for us to make her aware that we didn't think she was a moron. Sadly she passed away, three days after I arrived in the USA, after another massive stroke. I never had the conversation, the need had gone. But it has troubled me. As I was in the USA I wasn't with her when she passed. I got a call that she'd had the stroke at 2am. in the morning and another call at around 6am to say she'd gone. My brothers and sisters were around her. A little bit of me always felt that she went when I wasn't around deliberately. It is not a rational thought, but one that has troubled me. She left, leaving me feeling that I had not said the things I wanted to say. I am not sure that the opportunity was truly there to do it in the circumstances, we didn't expect her to go. The point is that we always have less time to do things than we think. When people we love die, more often than not, we feel we have unfinished business.

When I asked my siblings about my Mum's last moments, one of the things they said genuinely surprisied me. She seemed to be genuinely surprised that she was dying, as if, even with the illness and unhappiness she had, she wasn't quite ready. I guess we'll never really know what was going through her head, but it reminded me of when I was run over in Burnt Oak in 1988. In the seconds when I saw the car racing towards me, realising it would hit me and I couldn't avoid this, time slowed down. I felt an extraordinary sense of peace. The only real thought I had was how nice it would be to see my Dad, who had passed the previous year, again. Of course I survived, but my brain had prepared me to go. I realised that the billions of years of evolution has made our brains have a switching off mechanisim, that prepares us for the inevitable. I've not been afraid of death since. It is greatly reassurring to me. 

Many people who have medically died, then been resuscitated have reported similar near death experiences, often floating above their body. They then feel they head towards a light, before being pulled back, For many, there is a sense of happiness and peace. I didn't have that as I didn't actually pass out, but for many, the NDE often ignites a deeper spiritual awareness. Some feel that they have been given a second chance and a need to make amends. It seems to be a deeply personal experience, with different people affected in different ways. My sister, who was a hospice nurse for a couple of decades told me that generally spiritual people tend to have spiritual deaths and people who aren't spiritual don't. We all live in our own reality. I have found that non spiritual people tend to find the concept of death more difficult to deal with. They can deal with the practicalities, but don't really like thinking about the subject. Believers tend to be more open to discussions. I guess that if you feel it all ends and there is nothing, there is not much to discuss.

When we talk about preparing for death, we generally are talking about something else. We are talking about making arrangements, so those who are still alive, have the least aggrevation and bother. We rarely, when fit, healthy and active, say "If I passed away today, would I be happy with my lifes work?". When you are twenty two, such questions don't seem to matter. Now I'm sixty two, more of my life is behind me than in front of me. You can't change the past, but there is still the opportunity to change the future, but the clock is ticking. If I make tomorrow (which I hope is highly likely) another day will have passed. I have things to do. 

One of the things I feel a compulsion to do is to write this blog. I want to try and say things that seem to me to be important, but that nobody else seems to be saying. In the early years, much of this was about shenanigans at Barnet Council. That is still important to me. What is becoming more important to me, is to write about subjects that seem to have a taboo about them. Death seems to be the biggest to me. Our TV's etc are awash with dramas where people die all the time.  Most of us grieve for months or years, but in TV dramas, it is usually a 30 second scene by a grave and then the person is forgotten. In action movies, dozens die and no one bats an eyelid. In Gangsta Rap music we have aggressive lyrics about killing and maiming people. Culturally we don't seem to want to face up to the reality that most of us experience when there is a death. Even worse, we don't think about our own death. When I read about teenagers getting stabbed, I wonder how many of those young people realise what they are throwing away, when they get involved with knives, gungs and violence? 

My view is that if we want to make the world a better place, we should start by having a general recognition that life is a precious thing. We should cherish our own lives as well as everyone elses. We should work to make our journey as good an experience for us and the people we interact with as we can. We should recognise that it can end at any time and we should aim to depart with as few regrets as we can, whilst recognising that some regrets are unavoidable and we really couldn't avoid them. 

For me, the dawning of this realisation has come with a productive spell in my musical career and output. After lockdown, our band, The False Dots took a conscious decision to move away from rather introspective music, to a more accessible and fun version of what we were doing. Our mission is very much to put some happiness into the lives of people who listen to our music. We do this by telling stories and putting tunes together that people can dance to. I feel like it is working for me. Today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I can only change today.

*****
The band celebrate our 46th Birthday on Sunday 16th February at The Dublin Castle from 2pm. Here is a snippet of what you can expect to see! CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

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