Rog T Food Blog - Who ate all the pies?

Lets start with a little deviation, lets face it, we all love a little bit of deviation on the sly, don't we? Anyway, I was thinking about what to write for my Thursday blog, in the Rock and Roll Stories. I was toying with the subject of great heckle responses. One of the joys of being in a band is that sometimes herberts think it is clever to shout abuse, not realising that us old hands are used to it and have a riposte ready. A few years ago, I was on the receiving end of a bit of it. I'd let myself get a tad out of shape and was carrying a few extra pounds. I used to do a bit in the show when I'd ask the audience if they had any questions, when one of my band mates was tuning up or adjusting a drum. A bright spark yelled "Yeah, who ate all the pies?" Sadly he hadn't really thought this through. His partner, standing next to him was a lady who clearly enjoyed tucking into a nice dinner. I shot back "Your missus, by the look of it". Everyone turned around, looked at them and burst out laughing. I felt awful. I realised that I'd done a horrible thing. She hadn't been heckling me and I'd embarrassed her. I could've easily aimed a riposte at him. 

I decided that, if they were still there at the end, I'd buy them a beer and apologise. Sure enough, at the end, they were at the bar. I made my way, issued an apology and offered a beer for the pair of them. She burst out laughing, said "Never mind love, I love a good pie actually". It turned out that she was a good laugh and a good sport. She added "The reason he's such a skinny little runt is I nick all his pies". We then spent half an hour discussing the relative merits of our favourite pies. I must emphasise that she was cross, not with me, but with him, for being a knobhead with an ill thought out heckle. I vowed to never make the same mistake again, even though it ended up with us having a bit of a laugh. Anyway back to matters in hand!

I was thinking about this last week. We were in Portugal and had a lovely meal at a very decent restaurant in Ericeira called Cem Lugares Bisto. After the meal, we got chatting to the rather lovely chef and she was asking about some ideas for Northern European foods for the menu. I, of course, suggested that she consider a pie. I explained what I felt were the constituents of a proper pie. These are pastry top and bottom, good gravy and good quality meat. My favourite is a proper steak and kidney pie. To the horror of my family, we chatted for about fifteen minutes. Theycould not believe that I was telling a chef what to cook. I explained that she'd asked. Whether or not she took my ideas on board is up to her, but I've always found that if you listen to people with a genuine love of a subject, you learn something.

As regular readers will know (London Symphonies - "And on the eighth day God created pie and mash") , I am on a bit of a mission to seek out all of London's remaining pie and mash emporiums and sample their wares. I do love traditional pie and mash, even though the pies are  only my secondfavourite, as explained above. I have several bugbears with pies, usually in posh emporiums. I hate it when you order a pie and get some soup in a bowl with pastry on top. That is not a pie! It has to have a bottom, which has to be soggy! I hate small portions of pie. It is a hearty, wholesome food and meant to be served in large portions. Although I love spicy food and curries, I prefer pies to be relatively plain. Although a lot of folk love chicken balti pies at football, give me a steak and kidney any day.

I gave up eating meat for sixteen years, from 1984 until 2000. There were only really three things I missed. Bacon rolls, sausages at barbecues and steak and kidney pies. Sadly, it is getting ever harder to get a proper steak and kidney pie. It seems that the X generation do not do offal. I am sure when they all reach 50, that offal will make a massive comeback, especially in pies. During this period, I ate a lot of cheese and onion pies. I learned that, like all food, if you use bland cheese, it doesn't work. We went to one decent vegan restaurant that did a mushroom pie that was perfect. It was perhaps the best pie I've ever had, but I think the chef had a Michelin star and it was a tenner! The best thing was that it wasn't fancy. 

Then there are pudding pies. I do not have a sweet tooth, but I do love apple pies. That for me is the steak and kidney pie of the pudding world. Ideally, not to sweet, made with cooking apples. Served with custard, it is heaven. I get really cross with fancy restaurants that don't serve apple pie and custard. If I ever become Prime Minister, it will be compulsory. I don't mind if they buy a cheap one from Iceland and keep it in the fridge and serve with tinned custard. It is a million times better than a Tiramasu or such monstrosity. 

I genuinely believe that people who don't like pies are sad individuals, who don't really understand how to enjoy themselves. To me, anyone over the age of 35, who is overly thin, without a medical reason, is someone who has never really understood that you only get one shot at life and eating food is a pleasure. I don't want to live to be 100, if it is a life without pies.