Dyslexia blog - Dyselexia is not a special power

 

The art of being invisible and dyslexia

So earlier today I spoke to Eddie Nestor on BBC Radio London. I had called hoping to discuss the forthcoming Mill Hill Music Festival and give it a plug. I failed miserably. Eddie got me onto the subject of dyslexia and I went into one. What really got my goat was that Eddie stated that we should consider dyslexia as a special power. This is one of the things which annoys me more than anything. The only gift dyslexia gave me was the realisation that I had to work three times as hard as everyone else just to keep up. People say "hard work never did anyone any harm" but when you are constantly struggling to do things that everyone else find easy it is just totally demoralising. I still have nightmares about being in school. As an August baby, I was the smallest in the class. Being the 'thickest' as well was no fun at all. Teachers did not give special dispensation for dyslexics in the 60's and 70's. No extra time to do exams. No extra help. Just work your guts out, do your best and celebrate if you managed to scrape a "C" grade. Reading? Couldn't do it properly until I was 12. Writing? Probably was 13/14 before I really got the hang of it. Long division? I'd probably still not be able to do it today if my sister Valerie had not spent a whole day going through it. Eventually it twigged and I became quite good at maths, but it was struggle and I realised that my teachers simply had no idea how to expain anything.

You may think it's odd that someone who claims they have all these problems has written a blog with over 8 million published words? What happened? As I told Eddie, I had a couple of moments of revealation. The first was my old physics teacher at FCHS, John Shuttler. He sat down with me and explained that the only person I was going through an eductaion for was me. It had never occurred to me. We then discussed English. I had no interest.  I saw Shakespeare as gobbldygook and blokes in silly costumes. He said "You like Joni Mitchell? Don't you listen to the lyrics?".  He then explained that Joni Mitchell would never have been a singer/ songwriter without a good command of English. I went home and read some of the lyrics on an album I had. I realised I wanted to write lyrics like that. All of a sudden, having a proper vocabulary, using English properly and appreciating the beauty of our language was important. The next moment was not from a teacher. It was sitting in a cafe in Camden Town. In walked Mr Ian Dury. A spikey and mardy individual, walked in for a cup of tea. I was with a mate. We aspired to be in a band. We tried to strike up a conversation with Mr Dury. He simply said "Go and get yourself some guitars and start a band, don't sit around here thinking about it". 

It really was that simple. That was exactly what we did. I was lucky. My then songwriting partner had a brilliant command of English. I was simply full of anger and angst. Between us we crafted a set of very powerful and complex songs. I've always said that Punk Rock saved me. It gave us ugly, spotty, unsporty, thickoes permission to be ourselves. We  could form bands and make music. Prior to the punk explosion, it all seemed to be about being a virtuoso player. Punk said that great songs are three minute bursts of enegry and it didn't matter if you didn't play it perfectly. It gave us permission to try.

The truth is that the permission to try is the greatest gift of all. Whereas the school careers master had suggested mowing the lawn for the council, we not only started dreaming of stardom with the band. We not only started a band. We needed to rehearse somewhere, so we started a studio. We needed to play gigs, so we started promoting our own gigs. We were sixteen years old. I found myself suddenly in the middle of the local music scene, someone who made things happen. I'd grown in confidence and my educational performance had improved. The only problem was that, for me, it wasn't fit for purpose. 

No one taught me how to run a business. No lessons explained the intricacies of the music industry. Nothing could prepare me for the shark infested waters we inhabited. I was lucky in as much as my Dad was a hardnut who prepared me for lifes murkier waters, but when you have to deal with complicated legal contracts, that sometimes have words you don't understand, this could be difficult. My Dad did give me one piece of advice that was incredibly useful. He said that if a legal contract has a word you don't understand in it, that is probably the most important word. They make it difficult to understand to keep lawyers in a job. He said "Always look them up and make sure you don't get shafted because you were too lazy to check". At school, I never thought words are important. Many a musician has been well and truly shafted as they didn't read contracts or understand what a word meant.  That is why words are important and not understanding them is not a superpower, it is a massive hindrance.

I've felt my whole life has been like the mythical greek character Sisiphus. The Gods gave him the task of having to push a boulder up to the top of a hill. Whenever he reaches the top, it rolls down the other side and he has to start again. Dyslexia is a bit like that. Sometimes, you smugly think you've finally managed to cope, then you realise that you've filled in a from wrong or an application. I've done this too many times. When I flirted with the idea of going to University, I applied for Bedford College, a female only University. I can't count the number of times I've ticked the vegan meal box on travel arrangements in error, bought useless crap on Ebay as I misread the description. 

I've misread people's CV's and totally baffled them by asking questions that bear no relation to what they've actually written. Any success I've had is down to bloody mindedness and a refusal to quit, even if it means working three times harder than everyone else. Is that a bad thing? It is from my perspective. I know too many people who are successful and have not really had to try too hard at all.  Of course, they have their own challenges that they keep quiet about. When I was building our studios, I largely financed it by working as a freelance IT consultant. I kept very quiet about beung dyslexic. I made a career of doing the jobs other people didn't want, the boring stuff on old, legacy systems that everyone else saw as being old hat. It was in part because it had been hard enough learning it in the first place, I couldn't stand the challenge of newer technology. It was a, for a long time, a successful strategy. When firms can't get the staff, then you earn good money. In many ways, that is the path to go. Do the stuff other people don't want to do, work your nuts off and don't let anyone else knock you back. 

I'm now a father of three children, none of whom are dyslexic. I have five siblings, none of whom are dyslexic. It makes me wonder and question myself. Was I dropped on my head as a  baby? Did I suffer brain damage at birth? Am I the milkmans? I was talking with my sister about DNA tests. I am genuinely terrified that I will learn I'm not who I thought I was. Am I alone? As a child, I always felt oiut of place. I think I walk into a classroom and tell the teacher who was dyslexic, purely by where they chose to sit. For me, it was always as near to the door as possible as this made me feel secure, but not in the first two rows of desks as you'd get asked questions there. The more in the peripheral vision of teachers you are, the less stress you got. I've spoken to many dyslexics who all tell me the same thing.

 So there you go. That is why I get cross when people say dyslexia is a special power. I hope, having read this, you know why any dyslexic my age thinks this is a ridiculous suggestion. I just hope any kids at school suffering dyslexia feel a bit different to me. 

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About my dyslexia blog

For those of you who haven't read my dyslexia blogs before, here is a little preamble and introduction, so you know who I am and what I do and why I write this stuff. For those of you who know the story, skip to the end of the paragraph for todays installment. Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 16 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 33 I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion. I have set one of my objectives to use this blog to let dyslexics know they are not alone, to suggest that people who think they may be dyslexic to get an assessment and toget people who have dyslexic children or siblings to understand the issues that they face.

So how would you tell your eleven year old that they are dyslexic

My schoolwork aged 9

There was an interesting question posed on the UK dyslexia support group Facebook page "How do I tell my eleven year old that he's been diagnosed as dyslexic". It struck me as an excellent question.  I was only diagnosed when I was my mid 30's, so it wasn't something I went through. I was worried when my children were born that they may have inherited it from me, but that's one challenge they don't have. 

So where would I start? Let me give some background, so that hopefully what I have to say makes a bit of sense. Last year, when I started writing my autobiography, I found the period of when I was 8-14 to be very painful. In the claustrophobic atmosphere of lockdown, I had to step away from writing it, as it was dredging up to many painful emotions. Many of these were related to the effect dyslexia was having on me, although clearly I didn't realise this at the time.

During this period, I chronically underperformed at school and didn't know why. I felt an outsider and I felt very awkward around other people my own age. The biggest fear I had was being perceived as different. I'd put my hand up in class and my answer would have everyone rolling about laughing. Often I wasn't sure whether they were laughing with me or at me. Often I'd say something, the class would burst out laughing and the teacher would explode with rage. I though I'd asked a perfectly reasonable question. I lost count of the number of times teachers would say "You think you are funny, no one is laughing" as the whole class were usually in stitches, I would be even more confused. I would hand in work thinking it was brilliant and get very average marks, or fail completely, having misunderstood the brief. Often I'd not understand why I'd done so badly. As I couldn't read functionally until I was around 12, the whole experience of school terrified me. The worst experience was when I was told I had to read a bible passage during mass at the school ( I was at a Roman Catholic boys school at the time). I was terrified. I have since learned that I simply don't read in a linear fashion. I could read individual words, but when I was under pressure, the words all came out in random order. The school decided that I was 'taking the mickey out of the Lord" and I got a long detention. Whilst I know that being dyslexic would have given me an excuse, I did not want to be labelled as different, and would have probably refused to even be assessed. It was bad enough that I was different, without being labelled as such. In the '70's any sort of learning difficulty was a red flag to bullies.Whilst I am sure that schools are better now at managing pupils with dyslexia, the concept was terrifying to me then and I am sure it would still be stressful

So what would I do? Well the first thing I would do is have a discussion with the school. Find out their policy on dyslexia and how they would address it. I would not necessarily disclose a diagnosis at this stage. I would state that I am considering seeking one and ask what the schools policy was with regards to the subject. Not every school is enlightened, so I'd be cautious. If the school was not supportive, I'd find another school ASAP before doing anything, as it is the wrong school. If they are supportive, I would then talk to my child and try and get them to open up about the challenges they face at school. What do they find difficult about school and school life? What subjects do they struggle with? Have they ever done some work that they thought was good only to get a poor mark? Do they feel excluded? I wouldn't broach the subject of dyslexia until I understood exactly how they felt about themselves and how they were handling the situation. I'd want to know if they were getting bullied and what the triggers were for this. This may take more than one conversation and I wouldn't push it too hard initially.

I think it is important to understand that a dyslexic child, will be an expert of putting up barriers and developing defence mechanisms, which might mean support won't be welcome. Many of these mechanisms are self defeating, but clearly made perfect sense to the child. 

So what does this say about telling an eleven year old they are dyslexic? As a child my biggest fear was being different. I was resisitant to talking about my issues. Dyslexia is a label with negative connotations and at school it would inevitably mean extra work, outside of the normal class group. That was something that would expose you to all of the things you fear. I had remedial reading classes as an eight year old at Primary school. This terrified me, being one on one with a teacher, with no hiding place and no escape, returning to the class and getting teased for being thick.  It was something I was determined to avoid at all costs. Things have changed, but bear this in mind before you tell your child, you really need to be 100% sure that you are not putting them in a place that terrifies them.

I would broach the subject over a period of days or weeks. I'd start conversations in neutral non-threatening ways, perhaps in a neutral space, on a walk or in the car on the way somewhere. First of all, see where the child is. How happy and secure they are. Then I'd find out what they are struggling with and find out how much they want to address those issues. Once you are ready to tell them,it is vital that you do not present dyslexia as a negative. The list of famous dyslexics includes Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, John Lennon, Walt Disney, Leondardo DaVinci and Agatha Christie so clearly it is no barrier to success. Maybe have a few discussions about these or other individuals who the young person will know are successful who are or were dyslexic. Maybe watch some historical film content about them with your child, to prepare the ground. 

Talk about their positive contributions. Only when you've built a really sound platform to demonstrate that it is not a disablity or impediment to success, would I then explain the fact that they are dyslexic. It wasn't something I went through but if I'd been teased for my dyslexia, being able to say "Churchill, Einstein, John Lennon and Agatha Christie were dyslexic, so what's YOUR problem" would have been a very good defence. 

Once you have told them, it is vital to work with your child to ensure it is not having a negative impact on their education. I have a friend who's son was diagnosed as dyslexic. He phoned me in a panic a few years ago. His son was getting stick from classmates as he was getting extra time to complete exams. His classmates were claiming he had an unfair advantage. I know from my own experience that I only read at 2/3rds the speed of a normal person. The extra time in exams is to take account of this factor. It isn't perfect, but exams are tests of intelligence, not timekeeping. Einstein took decades to develop the theory of relativity, in reality timed exams are false construct in measuring intelligence. I would personally prefer schools to do public exams for dyslexics and other people who get additional time, in a  different place to their classmates. That will reduce both the stress for the child and the possibility of negative comments from classmates. 

It is worth remembering that exams are onlya  small part of a process of education. We don't go to school to pass exams (although some parents and teachers don't seem to realise this). We go to school to learn to be decent members of society who can contribute. Dyslexics are wired differently, so their contribution may well be different. Could Disney, Churchill, Lennon and Christie have done what they did if they weren't dyslexic? No one can be sure, but what we can say for certain is that it didn't stop them making an enormous contribution. 

In short, dyslexia is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not an impediment. It is just a difference and the world would be a very dull place if we were all the same. If you can get that message across, then you will have done a very good job. Don't rush the conversation, let it take as long as it needs to. I suspect that if someone had those conversations with me aged 11, my early teens might have been a lot better. 

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Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 17 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 31, I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion. In 2013, I set one of my objectives to use this blog to let dyslexics know they are not alone, to suggest that people who think they may be dyslexic to get an assessment and toget people who have dyslexic children or siblings to understand the issues that they face.

Dyslexia Blog - My journey through #dyslexia in books

For a blogger, I guessI am extraordinarily badly read and badly educated from a literary point of view. I had no interest in books as a child. This was a direct result of the fact I am dyslexic. If you've read my dyslexia blogs (if you haven't there is a short summary at the bottom) before you'll know that I had trouble reading until I was around 12 years old. Like many moderately dyslexic people, I developed a coping strategy and got my head around the matter. I am a slow reader and unless I have a deep interest in a subject, I find it very difficult to concentrate whilst reading books. I found that when I was 12, I could read them. I had never read a childrens book, but my sister gave me a copy of 1984 by George Orwell and told me it was the best book ever written. She gave me a short description. I found it fascinating and ploughed through it. I loved the idea of dystopian world and I realised that there was something there for me in books after all. I thought I'd raid my bookshelf and explain how each of these books, all of which are precious gems in my life, have played an important role in my literary journey.

Lets start with a book that isn't a book!

My journey through #dyslexia in books #1 pic.twitter.com/LmfdFIAt9k

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

Jeff Hawke, pilot of the future was a comic strip in the Daily Express. It fascinated me. Jeff Hawke was a rocket pilot,  a hero. Hawke was originally conceived as a sort of James Bond in space, but morphed into a diplomat and advocate of reason and logic. Hawke would see through the often grotesque appearance of strange aliens, to forge friendships and learn. I was obsessed with space, so I would be fascinated. My mum used this as a tool to get me reading. She'd help me with words and realised that I loved comics, so that was my one extravigance.

Next up are two books about a passion of mine. Manchester City FC and music.

My journey through #dyslexia in books #3 pic.twitter.com/oUjPSm0GLi

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

The Manchester City football book no 2 was a vain attempt by my mum to try and engage me in reading, as I was a fanatical City fan as a child. She thought that this would engage me, but sadly it didn't. But I loved the book. I mostly loved the pictures and the lists of appearances, etc. I would start to read a chapter and just get bored or distracted. But it was a prize possession. At present City are mired in scandal over financial fair play. I hear Arsenal fans claimin City 'came from nowhere' and have 'no history'. Sadly this is a product of the lack of football education of many of them. When this book was made in 1970, City were the best team in the country and had won four trophies in three years, including the EUFA cup winners cup. Sadly mismanagement saw a long, lean period, but this book is a treasure from a better, more innocent era, when the words 'Fair play' in football had a different meaning. It is revealing that the obsession with stats was just starting in 1970. Page 57 states "A University professor and his student boffins have revealed hard and fast statistics to prove that Colin Bell is twice the player than was legendary Ferenc Puskas" Whilst I now find that interesting, as a dyslexic eight year old it might as well have been written in heiroglyphics.

Next up is Pete Frames Rock Family Trees. A music obsessive this is golddust. Learning little snippets such as that Jimmy Warner was the only member of 1960's psychedelic San Francisco rock band Frumious Bandersnatchers not to play in the Steve Miller band is essential! What I loved about this book was it is completely non linear.

Gold dust! I love this pic.twitter.com/6ZxezGhl7x

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

You can look at it for 30 seconds or an hour and you will get something out of it. I think this is a perfect format for engaging a Dyslexic brain. I was given the book by Dav, the former False Dots drummer, as a present when he moved back to Shrewesbury. I will eternally be grateful for the gift.


Next up we have two very different books. A collection of poetry by John Cooper Clarke and a Brian Clough biography.

My journey through #dyslexia in books #5 pic.twitter.com/spY9KnjS1B

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

John Cooper Clarke is a huge influence on me. The first and best known of the punk poets. I had always thought of poets as purveyors of meaningless slushy gobbledygook. I now know how wrong I was and this is as a direct result of seeing John Cooper Clarke. He taught me the power of words.


I doubt I'd have every written any poetry myself without John Cooper Clarke's influence. Although I was writing lyrics before I heard JCC, his influence was liberating and I realised just what a powerful tool words are. I think he should be a key part of the English syllabus. I am sure his work would be an inspiration to many dyslexics, who often struggle with the very concept of words. Like all of his books, this is entertaining and can be enjoyed in short chunks, something I beleive is a key element in engaging dyslexics with reading.

As for Brian Clough. He was an icon of 1970's/80's British football. If you were fascinated by football, you were fascinated by Clough. The book is pretty unremarkable, but it was the first autobiography I read. I realised that learning about the lives of interesting people can be fascinating. As with many books, I struggle with the sections that don't interest me, but it was worth the effort.

Next up, two great cartoon figures.

My journey through #dyslexia in books #7 pic.twitter.com/vyBmpoDPap

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

First up, we have Judge Dredd. I am a massive fan of 2000AD and espcially Dredd. I am not so much a fan of some of his more epic stories (although some are brilliant, such as the cursed earth chronicles), I can stand the more ridiculous supernatural foe's such as Judge Death. I love the short stories of mundane human stupidity best. There are many pearls of wisdom. As the comic strip has pictures, it is easy for my dyslexic brain to follow it in a linear pattern and make sense of it.

As for Steve Bell, as with Jeff Hawke, I've always loved newspaper comic strips. As regular readers might have noticed, I am also fascinated by politics. Steve Bell encapsulates both and is far better at it than anyone else this side of the pond. Only Doonesbury can be considered anywhere near him. This collection is classic.

This is a great example of his work for the uninitited

Political Cartoon 10/28: Steve Bell | The Guardian@BellBelltoons | @guardian #CartoonAwards19

Vote here: https://t.co/AJhVRz6HKj pic.twitter.com/YENIMpvnOP

— Ellwood Atfield (@EllwoodAtfield) November 14, 2019

The next two books are very different, but are probably the two most standard books.

My journey through #dyslexia in books #9 pic.twitter.com/BbeeaUdPCW

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

First up is the autobiography of the acerbic lead singer of PIL and The Sex Pistols, John Lydon. For all of us 1977 punks, Lydon is a mythical figure. However, whilst I bought the book to learn about the music, the chapters on growing up as part of a family of Irish transient workers in North London was far more fascinating. John Lydon was a teacher before he became the lead singer of the Sex Pistols. I suspect if he'd taught me English, I may have engaged with the subject.

The next book is about Joseph Stalin. As my wife was studying Russian when I met her, I developed a fascination with the country. Of all it's leaders and periods, the Stalin era was the one which has most fascinated me. Stalin is a figure worthy of study. His reign of the USSR was a period of paranoic terror, but also a period when the country became a Superpower. This book was published in 2004. Simon Sebag Montefiore is a fantastic author who makes a subject that is at times rather dry extremely engaging. It made me realise that for those of us who sometimes struggle with reading, if a book is well written it is far easier to read and engage with. You need an interest in the subject, but many history books are often simply attempts by the author to show how clever the author is, with scant regards for the reader. Personally, I believe that there should be a dyslexic syllabus, where books that are hard to read on subject such as history are banned.

And we finish our literary tour with a book by one of our own. Ex Orange Hill boy done good Robert Elms. Robert talks a bit like me, loves football, likes the music I like and he has written a book almost unique in documenting the London I know.

I thoroughly recommend listening to @RobertElms on @BBCRadioLondon as well as reading his bookshttps://t.co/KbO9xxElED

— Roger Tichborne/RogT #CTID 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧 (@Barneteye) February 19, 2020

If you love London, you will like Roberts book. It is the story of ordinary London. As with just about every other book I've mentioned, it is easy to read and not written by someone trying to show you how clever they are.

For me a good book is something that lives with you after you have finished it. All of these books have done that
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Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 17 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 31, I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion. In 2013, I have set one of my objectives to use this blog to let dyslexics know they are not alone, to suggest that people who think they may be dyslexic to get an assessment and toget people who have dyslexic children or siblings to understand the issues that they face.

Dyslexia Blog - What I told Vanessa Feltz about dyslexia this morning

My schoolwork aged 9

For those of you who haven't read my dyslexia blogs before, here is a little preamble and introduction, so you know who I am and what I do and why I write this stuff. For those of you who know the story, skip to the end of the paragraph for todays instalment. Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 16 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 31, a friend suggested I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion. In 2013, I have set one of my objectives to use this blog to let dyslexics know they are not alone, to suggest that people who think they may be dyslexic to get an assessment and to get people who have dyslexic children or siblings to understand the issues that they face.

If you were listening to Vanessa Feltz at just after 9am this morning you would have heard me chatting to Vanessa about my experiences of living with dyslexia. Click the link and forward to 2.07 - https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p07psr1m

It is very hard to explain to someone who is not dyslexic exactly what it is like. When I listened back, I think I made a reasonable job of getting some of the issues over. What perhaps I didn't properly manage to get across was the fact that for most dyslexics, especially of my generation, dyslexia is the least of your problems. Generally once it is recognised, it can be dealt with. You can be taught strategies to cope, you can get extra time in exams etc. You learn to play to your strengths. The problem for most dyslexics is that it isn't recognised. You just under perform, get labelled thick and don't get help with some very basic things that could help you cope. As you soon realise that people who are less intelligent than you are outperforming you in exams etc, you get frustrated. Often this makes you disruptive at school. This has all sorts of ripple down effects. You develop anger issues, that affect relationships. Humans are a successful species because we are adaptable. Dyslexics who are underperforming at school are no exception. We do what we have to do to get by. For those who get demoralised with reading issues, this can result in severe literacy problems. Without these basic skills, survival in our society often means living on the edge of it. A friend of mine, who developed a severe class A drug habit, and ended up in prison was shocked to find that as someone who could read and write, he was in a minority in prison. In 2012, the following shocking statistic was announced in Parliament.

"The general average in prison-based studies is about 30%, although rates of serious deficit in literacy and numeracy generally reach up to about 60%. According to Ministry ​of Justice figures published earlier this month, we currently have more than 86,000 prisoners, so we can estimate that about 26,000 offenders in UK prisons suffer from some form of dyslexia, but we do not know for certain."

On average, the cost of jailing someone is around £32,000 per year. So the cost of jailing dyslexics in the UK is approx. £832 million. I believe that 90% of that should have been avoided. I see no reason why dyslexics should have a higher crime rate than a non dyslexic person. A government with an ounce of foresight would see these figures and realise the huge potential for saving money, setting aside the fact that it is the right thing to do. The answer is to identify dyslexia early and tailor education to ensure that the outcomes are better. We should also be identifying dyslexics in prison and offering them help with their issues. Help with numeracy and literacy, as well as anger management would make a huge difference to literacy rates. Many dyslexics would do anything to avoid classroom situations. My own experience and the anecdotal experience of dyslexic friends is that we suffer self esteem issues.

The trouble is that people who have no experience of dyslexia do not understand any of this. Many see it as an excuse. A couple of years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend on the subject. He said "it's just an excuse for failure in life". I was (internally) furious. I asked if he thought I was a failure. He replied that he thought there was nothing wrong with me and I just said I was dyslexic for effect. I was almost shocked into silence. How can you argue with that. He said "if you were dyslexic, how come you can write a blog?". I said "do you not know the difference between being dyslexic and illiterate?" Whilst dyslexia can lead to illiteracy, this should never happen. What should happen is that you learn to do it. It might take you longer, it might be a bit harder, but there is no reason why you can't do anything that a non dyslexic can do. When I read a blog or a book, I want to read the content. I don't care how long it took the writer to put it together. If it's interesting I am not too bothered about the spelling and grammar (although I use autocorrect on my blogs most of the time). I don't care if there are out of place apostrophes and lost consonants.  Maybe that's just me.

So am I. Was I well served by my teachers. Click on the picture of my school work, with a nice big tick, from St Vincents, when I was 9 years old. You tell me. When I compared that with my own childrens work at the same age (they are not dyslexic), I was horrified.

I spoke to some dyslexic friends about that conversation. The reaction was shocking. One friend said they'd have punched the lights out of the person who made the statement. Another said that would be the end of the friendship. A third said they simply don't bother discussing their dyslexia with 'normals'.

For me, that is not an option. I have a mission to educate. I am not eloquent or clever enough to always succeed, but I will die trying. My hope is that by talking to Vanessa and writing these blogs, someone, somewhere, who is dyslexic might just feel a bit better about themselves.  A modest ambition, but one that, to me, is worthy. 

2013 - The year in blogs

Picture of the year - Cornelius Signs Capita Contract Unread

When I started to write my retrospective blog of the year, I struggled. As a naturally positive person, I look back on 2013 as a year when many bad things happened in Barnet.

As I looked at all of the blogs posted, I realised that this blog has told a fascinating story. Perhaps the most interesting aspect was the way a team of guest bloggers have given a narrative to the issues which have been of local and national concern. I think that these guest writers tell a far more interesting story about Barnet and the UK than anything I've written. So this review is in two parts. My favourite personal blogs, which tell my story. I hope this isn't being narcassistic, it just seemed to me that these were actually the most interesting things I wrote. The second part is a month by month selection of the best guest blogs. These provide a commentary on the stories in local and national news. The format limited the contributions - One per month. This meant that whilst December when there were lots, I could only feature one, wheras in September there were none. Rereading all of them, I can only thank my contributors for their efforts and the quality of the their work. I have chosen not to put a commentary on, as one of the terms of doing a guest blog is that I don't put my spin on it. I hope you enjoy this.

Here are my favourite blogs

January - Rog T's Cancer Blog - My Bucket List -  I revealed my teenage bucket list and my desires, fulfilled and unfulfilled. I note that a year later I still haven't fulfilled number 10 on the list. To watch the sun set on the Millfields whilst eating a tin of Pineapple chunks. Maybe today I will tick that one off. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/rog-ts-cancer-blog-my-bucket-list.html

February - The Saturday List #34 - My top ten juke box tracks  I think this is a great blog. Strangely enough, I got the list wrong. I omitted Rebel Rebel by David Bowie. There is no greater thrill in the world than putting that track on the Juke Box and giving the one you love (or fancy) a great big kiss as Bowie sings "Hot Tramp I love you so". http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-saturday-list-34-my-top-ten-juke.html

March - Dyselxia blog - English as a foreign language  If you could change one thing in your life and restart it from that point, what would it be? After some analysis, nothing I'd stick with dyslexia http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/dyselxia-blog-english-as-foreign.html

April - What really matters in Barnet?  If you want to know why I write the Barnet Eye blog, read this. It sums up what I care about and where I find the energy to write a blog every day. I have tried to pick positive and upbeat blogs for this selection, but there really was nothing in April that warranted inclusion in this list that was in any way happy or uplifting. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/what-really-matters-in-barnet.html

May - Is football run by morons?  A short blog that summed up my disgust at the way the Premier League football clubs conduct their business. At the time I thought I may be falling out of love with football. What a difference six months makes. We are halfway through the most exciting season for years. Half the teams in the Premiership (almost) could conceivably win the league and half almost might get relegated. Despite all of the chaos, it is great. back in the 1980's there was a famous series in the Judge Dredd strip in 2000AD, where an Urang Otang called Dave was elected to be Mayor of Megacity 1. Despite all of the dire predictions, he was the best Mayor ever, because he was uncorruptable. You can guess how the story ended. It reminded me of what happens at Chelsea. The less of a coherent plan they have for the future, the better they seem to do. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/is-football-run-by-morons.html

June - "One day, you will be sorry for what you've done"  What will we think when the timer runs out of sand. The questions we will ask ourselves. What will we have achieved? Pretty much sums up my views on the world. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/one-day-you-will-be-sorry-for-what.html

July - Mother - Sister - The death of an encumberance?  Human nature and the two sides of grief. A funeral recalled and what we really think http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/mother-sister-death-of-encumberance.html

August - Despite everything, Mill Hill is a great place to live !  A little blog describing the things I love about living in Mill Hill and how I spend my days. The things we love are often the simple things http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/despite-everything-mill-hill-is-great.html

September - Sunday Morning youth football - A joy to behold, so don't make the kids play in your rubbish   One of my greatest joys is watching mys on play football for his team Watling Youth FC under 14. A blog about the joys of being a "football Dad" and a plea for the residents of Barnet not to use our parks as a dumping ground. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/sunday-morning-youth-football-joy-to.html

October - Just say Yes !  A little rant about the negative messages we bombard our teenagers with. We are squeezing teenagers like never before. Tuition fees, closure of facilities, bombardment with tests and exams. I am glad I grew up in teh 60's & 70's. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/just-say-yes.html

November - Remembrance Sunday  My remembrance day blog is always one of my favourite blogs of the year. It is important for us to remember. My father flew a Wellington bomber with 40 squardron during the second world war. He was shot down over Bucharest in Romania, whilst bombing oilfields in Ploesti. His rear gunner, F/O Andrew Murphy was killed during the engagement and is buried in a war grave in Bucharest. I believe it is the least I can do to remember his sacrifice. http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/remembrance-sunday.html

December  - The Baby Jesus was an Asylum Seeker  Yeah, I know it was only yesterday, but I think this was a great blog! http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/the-baby-jesus-was-asylum-seeker.html

And here is the pick of the Guest blogs.

January

GUEST BLOG – EQUALITY IMPACT ASSESSMENTS - By Dr Julia Hines

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/guest-blog-equality-impact-assessments.html

February

Guest Blog - Maria Nash is being victimised - A response by Linda Edwards

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/guest-blog-maria-nash-is-being.html

March

Guest Blog - Barnet Spring March Saturday 23/03/2013 - By John Sullivan

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/guest-blog-barnet-spring-march-saturday.html

April

Guest blog - The Big Con of “being in the community” - The Latest Endemic National Institutional Practice - By Linda Edwards MBE

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/guest-blog-big-con-of-being-in.html

May

Guest blog - The Silence of the Lambs - by Dr Julia Hines

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/guest-blog-silence-of-lambs-by-dr-julia.html

June

Guest Blog - Richard Cornelius in the Press - A response, by John Sullivan

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/guest-blog-richard-cornelius-in-press.html

July

Guest Blog - Another Barnet Council Outsourcing Disaster - By Andrew Dismore

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/guest-blog-another-barnet-council.html

August

Guest Blog - Richard Dawkins - Hardline religious fundamentalist? - A response by Andrew Evans

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/guest-blog-richard-dawkins-hardline.html

October

Guest Blog - Welcome to the legal block! If we stick together, we can't be fracked! - By Scarlett Cannon

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/guest-blog-welcome-to-legal-block-if-we.html

November

Guest Blog - Kicked in the stomach - By A.M Poppy

http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/guest-blog-kicked-in-stomach-by-am-poppy.html

December

Your Choice Barnet Week - Day 1 - The LIE That Is Your Choice Barnet - Guest blog by John Sullivan http://barneteye.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/your-choice-barnet-week-day-1-lie-that.html

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Barring accidents and major news stories, that's it folks for 2014. Many thanks for your support. This year we passed a million hits. I never imagined when I started that I'd get a thousand, let alone a million hits. I hope I have repaid your faith in this blog.

Dyslexia Blog - My fears about dyslexia and social media with young people

For those of you who haven't read my dyslexia blogs before, here is a little preamble and introduction, so you know who I am and what I do and why I write this stuff. For those of you who know the story, skip to the end of the paragraph for todays installment. Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 16 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 31, a friend suggested I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion.
--

The recent press coverage of ASK.FM has caused me to think long and hard about the issue of social media and how it affects the dyslexic community, especially the younger and more vulnerable members.

When was the last time you cried? I don't mean cried because the dog got run over in the latest Hollywood blockbuster, I meant really cried because you were depressed and you could see no hope and no point in living? I am not 100% sure, but I suspect that it was many years ago after I split up with a long term girlfriend. I was thinking about this as I recently met up with her and her current partner for a few beers. The subject came around to suicide. Her partner described it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Afterwards, I had a disturbed nights sleep. For some reason this comment stuck in my mind. At the time of our split (many many years ago),  I was distraught. I seriously believed that life was no longer worth living. It was probably the low point of my life, as at the time I had serious health problems, serious financial difficulties and just to top it all, through my own stupidity I was single. I wasn't even sure I still had a job, having been off work ill for six weeks.

Now I am not someone who is particularly prone to depression or stupid rash acts, but I can remember the feeling of total despair. Fast forward to our friendly drink. We all worked out OK, I sorted my problems out and she got on with her life. Her partner is a nice bloke and a good laugh to have a couple of beers with. In short, we grew up. So what has all of this got to do with dyslexia & social media? Well at the time of my depression and problems, I was unaware of my dyslexia. My years at school had been a trial and it was only in my late teens, that I'd sorted my head out and managed to cope at all with anything.

School in the 1960's & 70's as a dyslexic was hell. The school I was at had a culture of institutional bullying. Teachers bullied you, prefects bullied you, the older boys bullied you and if you had any weakness, even the younger boys bullied you. I developed and extremely spiky personality to deal with this. I learned that if you got your retaliation in first, you survived. This could be verbal or physical. What you needed to be was high enough up the pecking order so the bullies would go elsewhere. I was brought up to fight back. I was also brought up to stick up for my friends. I was lucky in that my classmates had a strong ethos of sticking together so we survived. It was no fun at all. Every lesson, every time homework was handed in was an invitation to get humiliated by a teacher. What sort of lesson they thought we learned, I have no idea, but I hated it. In the end, my parents took me to the doctor. The doctor diagnosed depression. The solution? I was put on Valium. My parents assumed that this would make me bound around like a young puppy. After three days, my father concluded that the valium had transformed me into a zombie. He preferred the moods, sulks and strops to the zombie alternative, so the valium was thrown in the bin.

The conversation mentioned above and these memories combined with the recent coverage of the current news story about ASK.FM made me think long and hard how I would have reacted to all of this had we had such websites back in the 70's. The concept of suicide had never occurred to me. None of my mates, to the best of my knowledge, mentioned it ever. I shudder to think what I would have got into had I had all the tools at my disposal todays young people have. You see I fully understand the emotions of despair and hopelessness. I just accepted that this was my lot. I can remember being 13 years old and a teacher making me stand up in class. I cannot remember what triggered the outburst, probably some minor infringement of the school rules, but he said something like this "Tichborne, you are an idiot, you will do nothing with your life, you are too thick to ever have a decent job and you are too ugly ever to have anything else other than a very ugly wife". If you are a modern day parent, can you imagine a teacher saying that to your child?

I was quite stunned by this comment. It was the first time I'd ever even considered what sort of wife I may have. At 13 I wasn't particularly interested in girls. I was at a boys school and football was probably the topic of 99% of conversations. I went home and brooded on the conversation. At the weekends, I used to work for my father, washing cars at his crash repair business. At the time he employed around 14 people. One of his fitters was a rather strange looking fellow, with a penchant for gambling. He also had the repuation as being a bit thick. My mother who was the co owner of the business was keen to sack him, but my Dad rather liked him. He found his stories entertaining. My Dad employed many rather useless people over the years, purely on the basis that they could make him laugh. Anyway, I was washing the cars down and this guys girlfriend turned up to pick him up from work. He'd won £10,000 on the ITV seven and bought a huge American convertable cadillac with the money. As every story I'd ever heard about him was about his stupidity or his strange looks, I was amazed when the girlfriend turned up in the cadillac. She was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. Every single workman simply stopped and stared. In those days, wolf whistling was allowed and there were a few. She pulled up, and in jumped the fitter. As he departed, my first thought was of the comment I'd had aimed at me in school.

I said to my Dad "How come he has a girlfriend like that?" My Dad's response was highly enlightening "because he's good fun". I realised that as a dyslexic who believed himself to have the looks of the hunchback of Notre Dam, that if I was "good fun" maybe I could actually bag myself a luscious lady rather like my Dads fitter. Although it was probably just my hormones waking up, I always put my interest in women down to the unkind comment and the proof that it need not be so. Now how do you go about making yourself "good fun?". I immediately started buying joke books and taking an interest in comedians. I demanded that the family watched every show. I learned the art of the witty come back, and the clever put down. A few weeks later, the same teacher again made me stand up and said "Tichborne, you are an imbecile, you have no aptitude for anything at all. Just what exactly do you want to do when you finally grow up and get a job?". I shot back "Sir, I think I'm well suited to being a history teacher like you". The whole class immediately exploded with laughter. The teacher was completely shocked by this comeback. That was the last time he ever directly insulted me. That incident gave me a degree of confidence. It also completely convinced me that if I was to thrive, I had to do it with wit and humour.

What had changed was the fact I had confidence. With a little bit of confidence all of a sudden the issues with dyslexia were not such big issues. I had dodged homework because I'd rather take the punishment for not doing it than do it and get ridiculed. I now realised that if a teacher tried to ridicule me, I could give as good as I could get. As I was considering being a comedian, it gave me the chance to refine my talents with witty comebacks. I would bait certain teachers, just so I could slip the killer one liner in. I learned I could set the dialog up. I found my dyslexia had made me far more observant of body language than my peers, this stood me in good stead. My reports noted that I'd developed an "attitude problem". They didn't notice that marks had changed from D's & E's to B's & C's.

Which brings me back to my friends throwaway comment over a beer. A permanent answer to a temporary problem. My guess is that many of the kids labelled "disruptive", "under performing" and "having issues" have dyslexia or similar issues. The things which helped me turn my attitude to life around were comedy, music and poetry. The thing which enabled me to have a happy and fulfilled life is confidence. Every one of us is different, but I fundamentally believe that for anyone to achieve any level of happiness, they need to have self confidence and self esteem. I believe that the lack of this is a major problem for many dyslexic teenagers. I worry that social media does not build confidence and self esteem in vulnerable young people. In fact sites such as ASK.FM can actually pour petrol on the fires of despair.

I have no idea how we combat a huge reservoir of people all telling each other that everything is terrible. Even worse the trolls who wade in and glory in sucking the life force from our vulnerable young people. I've spoken to quite a few dyslexic teenagers about their issues and problems. On occasion, they've been amazed to hear that I've had the problems I've had and come through. With encouragement, love and support, anyone can achieve great things. I used to be scared to tell my parents of the humiliation I suffered as I was worried they would think I was "useless". As I never tried, I have no idea what they would have said. Social attitudes were different and they were "old school". All I can say is that I do my best to be accessible and supportive of my own kids. Maybe I fail sometimes, too many times.

What should be our response to social media sites that seemingly have a corrosive effect on young people? The first thing I'd suggest is to try and ensure that people don't obsess on them. We all need a range and variety of interest. Secondly, we need to ensure that self esteem and self confidence isn't being undermined. The third thing is to look out for alienation from friends. Anyone with issues of self confidence and self esteem needs friends who are supportive and who build rather than destroy these things. Try and grow healthy relationships. Lastly try and understand the transient nature of problems. Understand that no matter how bad things can be, no matter how bad we feel about ourselves, if we change just a few things in our lives, we could have a wholly different outlook. For dyslexia, there is no magic bullet cure, but we can structure our lives so it doesn't ruin it. Once we start feeling happier and more confident, these things fall into place. That is why I'd try and make sure that the community of people with issues with dyslexia use social media in a positive way. If you are a dyslexic, give it some thought. If you know a dyslexic who is becoming withdrawn, discuss what social media they are using. Don't be judgemental, just find out what they are doing and how it is helping them. If you conclude that it isn't, then educate yourself in what you are dealing with, before you start sounding off. There is nothing more likely to close a conversation down than an ill informed comment.

Dyslexia blog - Power, control, hiding and the art of running away

For those of you who haven't read my dyslexia blogs before, here is a little preamble and introduction, so you know who I am and what I do and why I write this stuff. For those of you who know the story, skip to the end of the paragraph for todays installment. Let me give you a bit of Background so you know who I am and what I do. I was born in 1962. I didn't start talking until I was 4 years old (at all, not a single word). My parents thought I was deaf. My reading age at eleven was 5. When I was fifteen I started a rock and roll band called the False Dots, the band is still going strong. When I was 16 I started a business called Mill Hill Music Complex (although then it was simply called the studio), a rehearsal studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. The business has grown into a very successful enterprise, one of Londons biggest and most well respected independent studios. We now have 16 studios and a music shop and also have a photography/video studio and a dance studio. I also have done IT work, mostly on a freelance basis since 1983. In 2012 I also moved into film production, producing two highly acclaimed documentary films, both of which had screenings at the House of Commons. When I was 31, a friend suggested I had a dyslexia test. To my surprise I was told I was moderately dyslexic. This made me interested in the subject. To my amazement, what I have learned over the years is that my lack of educational aptitude, my feelings of anger and injustice and the core of my personality have been formed by the fact I cannot read words in a linear fashion. In 2013, I have set one of my objectives to use this blog to let dyslexics know they are not alone, to suggest that people who think they may be dyslexic to get an assessment and toget people who have dyslexic children or siblings to understand the issues that they face.

I witnessed an incident today which put in sharp focus something which has been nibbling away at me for years. If you hear the word, teacher what do you immediately think? Is the image positive or negative? What about if I said Police officer? What if I said charity worker? The view society holds of teachers is generally a positive one. It is a profession which you study and receive qualifications to join. Similarly the police force. There is a training regime and and a process of assessment. What do both professions have in common? They both exercise a degree of control over people. A good teacher and a good police officer will make a massive difference in the community. Sadly bad ones cause huge problems and issues. The question is, who do they create problems for? The answer is perhaps not as obvious as you may think. The answer is that they create problems for us all. So you may ask, how does a teacher who fails little Johnny who lives in Grahame Park with his mum, when you are in your gated mansion in Totteridge? Well there are several ways. If little Johnny doesn't get on at school, he won't get a good job. Just suppose little Johnny is dyslexic and highly intelligent. Just suppose his under achievement is the result of lazy teachers not recognising his dyslexia and giving him the help he needs to achieve his potential? Little Johnny might just get angry, mightn't he? Little Johnny might just get excluded from school, because his anger and frustrations get the better of him. Now maybe, just maybe, one could argue that if a child at school is behaving in a way that seems rather irrational, a bit of time could be spent trying to get to the bottom of why he is violent, abusive or disruptive? Sadly however, it is far easier just to kick him out. So for arguments sake, little Johnny is fourteen years old, with time on his hands. Mum is out at work. Little Johnny starts hanging around with some older kids.

Now this is the good bit. All of a sudden, little Johnny finds a way to feel a little less different from his peers, a little less angry. He finds that all of a sudden he's not rejected and laughed at? Sounds good doesn't it? Little Johnny for the first time in a long time feels a sense of belonging. Would you begrudge Little Johnny those feelings. He's been miserable and angry for so long now, are you so cruel as to snatch the feeling of happiness away? Well if you are Mr Police Officer and you catch little Johnny hanging around with a bunch of older kids who are smoking weed, yes you probably will. You will probably surmise that little Johnny, who has been excluded from school and is now shoplifting to get money to buy some weed is a bit of a naughty boy. So Johnny ends up with a criminal record. That makes it hard for little Johnny to get a job, as if things weren't bad enough already. And how does little Johnny feel about teachers, how does he feel about the police? The lines are drawn. So little Johnny, ten years later is Big John. Now Big John doesn't take any shit off anyone. Big John is hard. Big John has been inside a couple of times. Big John is not a man you mess with. Big John is a bit of a psycho, but he's alright if you want to score a bit of puff, just don't get on the wrong side of him. If you are lucky and you catch big John in the right mode, he might open up. You might find that he's got a piercing intelligence. Then all of a sudden, he goes into one. Why? You were sitting in the pub, having a pint. Your mate comes over and shows you the front page of the Sun. It is hilarious. You show Big John and for no reason at all he goes mental.

And so yet again the Police are called. Big John has gone beserk in the pub. He's arrested and goes back inside. Why did he flip? He was sitting there having a nice drink? Was it all of the drugs in his blood stream? No one said anything? He disappears and you don't think about it. Big John comes out of prison after six months and finds himself homeless. It is a harsh world and merely to survive takes its toll. He's big, bad, dangerous and unpredictable. He is your worst nightmare. He'll rob you given a chance. He'll rob your house. He doesn't care about you. You are rich, you are comfortable. Your teacher didn't victimise you. The Police don't hassle you. People don't look at the floor when you walk into your local pub.

Big John sleeps on the streets. He feels safer there. It is a life of sorts. He's met the teacher, they have failed him. He's met the Police Officer, they hate him. Now he meets the charity worker. He despises them. There they are, holier than though. They give him breakfast, with a patronising grin. Like the teacher and the policeman, if he upsets them, he's out on his ear. But then he needs a bit of warmth, a bit of breakfast and there is nowhere left to go. The teacher couldn't break little Johnnys spirit. The Police Officer couldn't tame Big Johns anger, but now, twenty years down the line, he's old John. He's only forty six but he looks twenty years older. A life of rough sleeping, drugs, drink and violence have left its scars.

And one day old John, will die. No one will mourn his passing. He will not be missed. His friends on the street are casual aquaintences, with relationships forged through necessity. And then one day, a bizarre thing happens. That patronising git with the phoney smile, who serves him breakfast says something. He mentions he's dyslexic and has trouble reading to another smug charity worker. The smug bastard. Old John wants to punch him. What right has he got to say something like that? Him, who sleeps in a nice house and helps out of a sense of "charity". Old John thinks to himself "C*nt, I'll tell him what it's really like". He waits until none of the other charity workers are around. "I heard you say you were dyslexic and had trouble reading". The smug bastard replied "yeah, I had a lot of problems when I was a kid, I couldn't read properly until I was twelve". Old John delivers his tour de force "Yeah, I can't read. I once glassed someone and took there eye out because they put a newspaper in front of me". The smug bastard doesn't look as shocked as old John expected "Yeah, I used to get really angry. I would hide or make trouble to get out of having to read". All of a sudden old John isn't old John any more. He isn't big John anymore. He isn't a threat anymore. He isn't trying to impress anyone or intimidate anyone anymore. He is little Johnny and for the first time in along time , someone has actually said something he can relate to. He says "Yeah, you really used to feel like that?" And the smug bastard says "I still do occasionally. If I get cornered in a situation, I sometimes find it hard to suppress my anger. Especially if I see authority being abused". Little Johnny responds "I hate the Police, they have it in for me". The smug bastard says "have you ever been assessed for dyslexia?". Little Johnny responds "What is the point, I can't read or write?" Smug bastard says "I didn't realise I was dyslexic until I was thirty one. When I found out about it, a lot of things became clear. I realised why when I was at school, I always did worse than kids I was cleverer than in tests". Little Johnny said "I never realised anyone else ever felt like that". With that Little Johnny walked off.

In case you hadn't guessed, I am the smug bastard. It may not surprise you to know that Little Johnny has had his name and details changed for the purpose of this blog. The conversation happened about six months ago. Little Johnny, having thought about it for a few months still isn't ready to address the issues. He has sworn me to secrecy about it, which I respect. He tells me he'll do something when he's ready. He seems a bit less angry and a bit more approachable. He will pass the time of day a bit more. For all I know, he may not be dyslexic. What I do know is that a) he's been in prison b) he can't read or write c) he's angry d) he's intelligent e) he's used crime as a means to support his lifestyle for a long time f) he has substance abuse issues. On a bad day he'll say nothing. On a good day he'll say four or five sentences. He won't say anything if anyone else is in earshot. He is one of many people who use the day centre who have problems. Of the 80-90 people I served breakfast to this morning, he is just one of a sea of faces, who'd lives haven't worked out how they had hoped. He is not the worst person there. He has never caused trouble. He is quite anonymous really and I'd not have guessed any of the story unless he'd told me the odd snippet. Much of it I've made up or embellished. I don't know when he was expelled or when he started taking drugs, I don't even know if it really did give him a sense of belonging. He isn't one for discussing his inner feelings. I can only guess. Maybe it just dulled the horror of the situation. The faded prison tats tell some of the story, the one liners tell a bit more. Perhaps one day, we'll have the whole story? I doubt it.

And what was the incident? After little John said his cursory two sentences, he sat down. Someone else showed him a copy of the Metro. Eden Hazard kicked a ball boy. The other guy said "Did you see what Hazard did?" Big John replied "Sorry I can't read, what does it say?" The other guy said "Oh, sorry, it says Hazard kicked the ball boy at the Swansea game because he wouldn't give the ball back". Big John said "thats out of order". As he said that, he caught my eye, for a millionth of a second. Recognition? Progress? who knows.

I have noticed something about dyslexics. We are very good at hiding and running away. We are in a constant state of denial. We are also extremely good at reading other peoples body language. I assume it is something we learned at school, as we desperately sought to avoid humiliation and punishment. The residual anger is perhaps the worst aspect (for me). I think it is a defence mechanism. Unlike little Johnny, I try and avoid violence as a solution, but I am not in his situation. How angry do you have to be to glass someone, rather than to confess that you can't read the headline on the Sun? How bad must you feel about yourself?

I am hoping that the incident today was a sign that things maybe are changing for old John. At the start of this blog, I asked what you may think when you heard teacher, police officer, charity worker? Old John told me a while back that "When I first saw you in here I thought you were a c*nt, but you are alright". If I have changed his perception a bit of charity workers, that is progress.