So you want to be a Rock and Roll star?

 It's funny isn't it. I was away at the weekend with a bunch of lads for a Stag do, most of whom were in their 20's and early thirties (+ my mate Gary who is my age sort of at just over 60 and is the Dad of the groom). I haven't been on such a riotous adventure for a good few years. Weekends away with my male mates are a lot more sedate these days. It was a bit of a jolt to the system. They are a lovely bunch of lads and I was generally surprised at how well behaved they are. I was also surprised at how much more civilised the English have become on such occasions. It reminded me of when I was that sort of age. We were terrible if I am honest. We were into rock and roll and the rock and roll lifestyle and at times it seemed like a constant game of pushing everything to the limit. I am not quite sure how old I was when I finally started to be a bit more sensible, probably some time around when I was 33, when I had my first daughter. 

I was managing a band ten years younger and I was constantly surprised at how different they were to the False Dots in our prime. We were a very naughty bunch. Naughty Naughty tra la la. I am sure that they felt they were a naughty bunch of boys, and they did a few things, but for us it was constant mayhem. I can recall when Paul Marvin joined the band. His Dad was Hank Marvin, perhaps the first ever British guitar legend. He asked me if I wanted to be a Rock and Roll star. I said yes. He gave me some brilliant advice. He said "Rock and Roll is not playing in an orchestra, it is about putting yourself out there. You have to look better than the other bands and have a trademark. You don't have to be the greatest player, but you have to have some trademark licks and always wear great shoes". 

As the band started to gig, I realised that all of the best gigs I'd seen were at smaller venues. Gigs like The Damned's reunion gig at The Moonlight Club in West Hampstead, Johnny Thunders at Dingwalls, The Dickies at The Marquee and Crass at The Hope and Anchor are some that spring to mind. I realised that the biggest venue I liked was The Roundhouse, any bigger and it did not seem to me to be a proper gig. The more I played the more I loved it and I have always loved writing songs, rehearsing with a band and recording. But I had no great ambition to be on Top of The Pops or play massive venues. That just didn't seem like fun. I liked having a beer with the audience afterwards. I don't know if the fact I'd been on telly a lot when I did acting as a kid fed into that. 

I wasn't too bothered about the money side. In fact, when we first started, it was relatively lucrative, Venues would pay us a decent amount and we'd put on our own gigs as well. About half of this was invested back in the band, and half in alcohol etc. The second time we were asked "So you want to be a Rock Star?" was when we went to see an A&R man at GEM records. We bumped into the UK Subs, as we were hanging around. I will save that story for another day. It was not a satisfactory experience. We got hassled by the drug squad on the way their and got nicked on the way back, as I was on the back of Pete Conways motorbike and he only had a provisional license. The copper who nicked us was a very two faced liar, who we exposed in court for his misdemeanours and porkies, which spared me a fine, but not an endorsement on a driving license I didn't have as I had pleaded guilty! As Pete was called after me, he got let off completely, as he said "I am pleading innocent, the officer has told a stack of lies". The Magistrate dismissed the case. I must be the only person to be an illegal passenger, when the driver got let off. The copper was fuming, but he made up a whole cock and bull story, rather than give proper evidence. I simply told the truth. He had said I'd asked Pete to give me a lift as I was late for work. I told the magistrate this was a complete fabrication, as Pete had bought the bike that day and he'd suggested going for a spin as he was chuffed with it. It was probably worse, but it was true. I then challen ed the magistrate to ask the policeman to explain why he had told porkies and made stuff up. He couldn't explain. As we left, he told me he was going to 'sort me out next time he saw me". I told him that he should be ashamed of himself for telling lies. The Police were not keen on people in bands back then. In truth, I'd done a silly thing and was quite happy to take the medicine until he started his story. 

As for the actual interview with the A&R man. That went as badly as it possibly could. He took one look at Pete & I and decided we were ne'er do well idiots. He played the first song on the tape and and said it was 'the wrong sort of music'. I looked at the offices with all of the pictures of Samson (their current stars) up and said "And that is the right sort of music", to which he sneered "They sell records, thats what the indusstry does". We'd chosen the label to try as they had the UK Subs, so we were very disappointed. The A&R bloke did give us some good advice. He said "If you play a song to an A&R man, you get about ten seconds. Your drummer used that with is extra long count in." Pete retorted "Most people do a four count in so we thought we'd be different", to which he replied "When different is rubbish, it isn't clever". I can't say that endeared the industry to me, but he wasn't wrong. When he asked "Do you want to be rock and roll stars?" We both replied "Yes". He said "Well go away and make something people will buy". It wasn't actually bad advice, but we took it as a huge insult. I daresay he said that to dozens if not hundreds of wannabees. Back in 1980, no one cared if they crushed you and your dreams. 

I think myself and Pete took it in different ways. He departed the band and I carried on for 47 years. The next installment will take place on Sunday. Why not come along (click the image for details). I hope the lads I was out with on Sunday are still following their dreams when they get to my age!

The False Dots next Gig