The Saturday List #374 - Ten things I have realised that Dad was right about

39 years ago today was possibly the worst day of my life. I was awoken early, by a phone call from my brother Laurie telling me that my Dsd had died. It was a massive shock. He had been on holiday in Florida and having the time of his life. He was spending money like water, much to my mothers annoyance. He had a new credit card and he was maxing it out to the limit. What I hadn't realised is that my Mum's sister had died and they had returned. Dad had an anuerism in the early hours, we believe brought on by the cold weather. 

I was getting on well with my Dad at the time. This had not always been the case. We are both strong characters and had several stand up punch ups. We disagreed on many things. He was Tory, I was Labour. He was a staunch Roman Catholic, I considered myself an atheist back then. He believed that the carpet bombing of Berlin was the correct thing to do. I didn't. There were many things we disagreed on. Dad thought I was a complete idiot. He didn't get my music, my fashion, my politics. my sense of humour. It was reciprocal. The last time we met, we had a great beer and a chat and it was civilised. He told me that he'd completely misunderstood me and that he realised I was a strong character who did things the way I wanted. He had realised that I argued because I believed in what I was doing, noi just to annoy him. It was the only grown up conversation we ever really had. Then he was gone. Over the years, I came to realise he was right about many things I had thought he was completely wrong about. To mark his memory, I thought I'd publish a list.

1. Electric Blankets. My Dad was from sub tropical Australia and hated the cold. He hated London's weather. His solution was to lie in bed every morning, drinking tea, reading the papers, ,doingt the puzzles and saying the Rosary and chilling out with the electric blanket on. When I was a little kid, it was a real treat to jump in with him, in his nice warm bed and do the puzzles and say the Rosary with him. By the time I was a teenager, I thought it was ridiculous behaviour. However in recent months, we bought an electric blanket and I find I am morphing into my Dad. Tehre is nothing better than lying in bed, doing a Soduku with the leccy blanket on. 

2. Big Juicy Steaks. When Dad died, I was a non meat eater. I did eat fish. Dad took this as a sign I was an idiot. I felt that farming techniques were cruel. Dad grew up on a farm and saw farm animals as food. When we had our last chat, he said "If the reason you are not eating meat is because you think farming is cruel, would you eat a wild deer you'd shot if you were hungry?". My reply was that I am not into killing animals. In 2000, I got really ill with a vitamin deficiency. The doctor advised me to eat meat, especially liver. The symptoms immediately disappeared. I guess Dad was right all along. I do love a big, juicy steak, but I only buy quality meat from proper butchers.

3. Songs should have melodies. Dad simply didn't get most punk rock. He said it had no tune. When he heard our band, he advised us to get some songs "with proper tunes". He was right. When I started listening, the music got better. In 1986, Dad came to see us at Grahame Park Festival. He was very impressed and said he didn't realise we were a proper band.

4. The Labour Party. Dad told me that he hated the Labour Party as it stifled creativity and innovation. I thought this was absolute rubbish. Sadly, both Sir Keir Starmer and the Barnet Labour Party have proven him right. I don't think the Tories are any better.

5. Police and Thieves. Dad believed that the job of the Police was to catch criminals and lock them up. I believed that their role should be wider and they should have a role in building communities. I have come to realise that the Metropolitan Police does not have the resources to do this and should concentrate on its core role. Dad explained that the place to rehabilitate criminals was in prisons. He explained that it was 'Unchristian to lock people up with no effort to get them to sort their lives out'. He was, of course, right.

6. Muslims. Dad worked in the Middle East. His views on Muslims and Arabs were complicated to say the least and by todays standards overtly racist. However, he also told me that many of the Muslims he worked with and had dealings with were fine people. He would tell the story of a crew in his squadron who were Indian Muslims. They were struggling with the stress of missions. As they were devout, they didn't drink. Dad spoke to the Medical Officer, who ordered them to have three large Whiskys in the mess, after every mission, to help with the stress. He also said that they were not to drink at any other time. They survived the war and in 1982, Dad met one at a reunion. He said he'd only got through the war because of that. He had not drank since.  Dad said that he'd realised that they were just like everyone else. Good and bad in all communities.  I had thought Dad a terrible racist, but his views were more nuanced. I just couldn't see past the language he used.

7. Comedians. Dad would say "Funny is funny". He'd laugh at the likes of Bernard Manning, Jim Dvidson, etc. By the time I was in my late teens, I found them revolting. However, I had missed one element. Such people were great comedians. I didn't like their material, but they were good at delivering it and they used the material as this was what people wanted to hear at the time. About five years after Dad died, I was listening to Fred Housego on the Radio, He played a selection of Bernard Manning jokes, all of which were clean, funny and expertly delivered. I realised that he was a brilliant comic and could deliver any material. As Fred Housego said "It's a bit of a shame that he didnt' do more of this".

8. Spaghetti. Dad once advised me never to order Spaghetti. It seemed an odd thing to say. But it is impossible to eat proper spaghetti elegantly and without making a mess. He was right.

9. The Church and Priests. I stopped going to Church in 1976 as I didn't like a couple of the priests at the Sacred Heart. We had a massive fight about it. Dad told me I was an idiot and I'd go to hell. When we had our last chat, we revisted the subject. He told me that I'd made the mistake of thinking The Church was the priests who said mass. He said it wasn't. It was the billion people in the large community. He said it was our job to be good people and do good. He confided that what really upset him about our fight, was that he knew I was right about the priests. He said he'd have knocked one of them out, if he hadn't been a priest. He said he just couldn't properly explain at the time. He said that if you went to church, you would know what was happening in the community and have the opportunity to do good things. He was right. I try and ignore priests I don't like now.

10. Fashion and clothes. Dad used to despair of our punk rock fashions. He told me I'd never get a nice girlfriend if I looked like a tramp. He confided that he was absolutely amazed that I seemed to have a constant supply of pretty girls who seemed to like me as a teenager. He couldn't understand why they would even look at someone who wore scruffy jeans and t-shirts. Times had moved on. However, ten years after he passed away, I was chatting to my nephew. He was moaning that he couldn't get a girlfriend. I said "Cut your hair, develop a style in clothes and always look as if you've had a bath". I then gave him a haircut, removing his long, greasy locks. WIthin a few weeks he'd giot a lovely girl. He nicked my style, the red check shirts (which is was a bit of a trademark for many years). It was only after that I realised I sounded like my Dad!

The Saturday List #424 - Ten things my father taught me, some of which are no use at all

 I grew up in awe of my Dad. I've always thought he was one of the greatest men who ever lived. I'm not entirely sure he was the greatest father, his views on parenting were, shall we say, not particularly modern. The last proper conversation I had with him, a loving conversation that spanned a curry, several pints and a game of snooker at The Mill Hill Services Club and half a bottle of scotch in the front room. I was 24 and the year was 1987. He explained several things that had troubled me, I don't really know if he convinced me. He told me that he believed that he had prepared us for a vicious, unforgiving world, given us (the boys in the family) the tools to survive as best he could. At the time, I was working for BT, setting up the network that supported the LINK ATM network. He told me that I had surprised him, he had always thought I was too indisciplined and argumentative to amount to anything. He also confided that he'd come to realise that my commitment to the band was a positive thing and that the band were actually very good. This surprised me. It was possibly the only affirmation he ever gave me. He told me that he thought people who didn't smack their kids were idiots, as the children would not realise that if you upset people, you might get a slap. He said this was a vital lesson when being a young adult in a pub. I've been thinking a lot about him recently, I often do at this time of the year. 

As I grew up, he taught me all manner of things, some of which were very useful, some of which were positively dangerous. Here's a list

1. How to make nitro glycerene and to fashion this into what we now call an IAD. He believed that being able to know how to blow things up was an essential life skill. I've never really used that skill. I did enjoy making bombs with him as a six year old though. He also taught me that if you put a sliver of nitro glycerene in a cigarette, it won't blow the ciggie up. It will just burn and give the person smoking the ciggie a really bad "nitro" headache. I've never been inclined to try this. I have to say there have been times when I've been tempted to use these skills, but Dad also taught me that if you plan to do something nefarious, the most important thing is plan how you can get away with it in both this life and the next. On balance, the $h1tbags I may use these skills on are not worth a stretch giving His Majesty pleasure or eternity in hell. 

2. How to sabotage the engine of your next door neighbours car. This was another essential skill. He said that if ever I needed to disable German tanks, this was the way. My Dad caught one of my mates trying to do this to the car of someone who had not paid him for a job. My Dad gave him a stiff lecture on how to do it properly and berated him for his amatuerism.

3. How to conceal a weapon, so that you could evade a search. When he was in the prisoner of war camp, he nicked a Mauser pistol from a German Officer. He had it in his possession the whole time and evaded numerous searches. He told me that if ever you carry a concealed weapon, the only time you ever show it to your enemy is when you actually kill them. He said if you wave it around, you will be  disarmed and your enemy will kill you. A friends brother became a policeman and did training in how to disarm a knifeman. My Dad said "Come on show me how its done". The policeman said "Right, pretend you have a knife and I'll disarm you". My Dad immediately put his hand on the policemans stomach and said "Your dead". The policeman said "You are meant to wave it around", my Dad laughed and said "When I was trained by the Australian Army, they taught us how to stay alive and that means to expect the unexpected".

4. How to build a Gudgeon trap. My Dad loved fishing for pike and used gudgeon, caught by Hunton Bridge in Watford, as live bait. I didn't really like decapitating small fish to catch big ones, much to his disgust.

5. How to disable and assailant with a baseball bat. Now this may sound like a stupid thing, but he said if ever you hear a burglar or other intruder in the house, get a baseball bat or a crowbar and hide crouched down. When you are in range, whack them as hard as you can on the knee, then break the other knee. You won't kill them but they will be in excruciating pain and unable to move. Any court would deem that you'd used reasonable force. Fortunately, touch wood, not had to use this either.

6. How to make Sloe Gin. My Dad told me that the only time he'd ever hallucinated on alcohol was after drinking Sloe Gin. It sounded horrific, he told me that he'd never touched the stuff again. He then took me out, got a load of sloe berries, made some and a couple of weeks later we tried it. Neither of us hallucinated and it was quite nice.

7. Never to trust people in authority. My Dad told me that when he was in the RAF, he soon realised that the 'top brass' were not your friends and not on your side. He said that you are expendeable to them and they simply can't ever give a stuff for you, if they did, they couldn't do their job. It is up to you to figure out how to do your duty and survive. He told me I'd never have made it in the RAF as I was too indisciplined and argumentative. He said you had to learn when to pick your fights and when to hold your tongue. I saw a bit of Boris Johnson on the COVID enquiry, I could feel may fathers words burning in my ears.

8. If you know a foreign language and are involved in business or in a prisoner of war camp, never let on that you do. He was fluent in German, but he never let on. That meant he could evesdrop on the guards in the POW camp. He knew that there were snitches in camp, he just pretended he had guessed right. When he was working in the Middle East, he learned Arabic. He told me that the Arab translators assigned to him would be saying the worst things, ripping him off etc. He never let on. He knew that if he did, then no business would get done. He just made sure they were only taking a reasonable cut when they ripped him off. Sadly, I don't have his aptitude for languages.

9. Never give a mug an even break. This was my Dad's motto when playing cards. He loved poker and three card brag. He was very good at them, He made a lot of money at it and was merciless. He said that if you take pity on your opponents, you are not doing them a fabvour as they will never learn. I recall one Xmas, one of the blokes who worked for him spent his Xmas wages at the bookies. The man's wife appeared on the doorstep as he told her he'd not been paid. My Dad realised what had happened. The poor woman and her family would have nothing for Xmas. Dad bought them a turkey and the rest. He told her that it was his present to her, but there was one condition. In future, he would pay her the wages and if she wanted to give the fella pocket money for the bookies, that was her business. After about three months, she told him that she genuinely hadn't realised how much her husband was earning. She'd paid off all the family debts and their marriage, which had been on the rocks, was back on track. Dad explained that people who have a problem with gambling will throw anyone under a bus for bet. The only way to stop them is to not give them cash in the first place. I told him that I thought he was generous giving her the Xmas shopping. He said "Not really, most weeks I'd been taking most of his wages off him at three card brag on a Friday afternoon after he'd been paid". Dad explained that he considered it better in his pocket than the bookies.

10. Tell your wife/girlfriend she is beautiful every single day and never tell her she's ugly. I, rather stupidly, asked what if she is ugly, then thats a lie. He said "If you get yourself a girlfriend you think is ugly, then you are a bigger mug than I thought you were". I'm lucky, I've never had to lie!

Wherever you are right now Dad, God bless you. Here's a little video I made about him