The Sunday Reflection #81 - Something to believe in?

 I broke one of my hard, fast rules of life on Friday. My band, The False Dots had a gig at The 100 Club for the London International Ska Festival. The show was sold out and was absolutely brilliant. I don't know if you are a musician, but when you play to a packed hall and smash it, there really is no feeling in the world like it. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt absolutely awful. I had that feeling when a cold is coming. I felt hot, clammy and shakey. Given that this is perhaps the biggest and most important gig the band have played for decades, this was not good. I had planned to go to the noon service at The Sacred Heart for Good Friday and then to Hadley FC, before trekking down to the 100 Club. I decided to stay in bed and try and get myself in shape for the gig. I have a form of faith, so I prayed for the strength to get through the day. My Catholic guilt was telling me that if I was going to do anything, it should be attending Church. But I also have a faith that God put me here for a reason. I believe that reason is to make music and make people happy. So off I went to The 100 Club. Even though it's a day of fasting absitinence, something I always follow, I had a few beers. I felt the good Lord had given me a pass.

It was an amazing night. The band has really come a long way in the past five years. I've always loved what we do, but we are in a very sweet place at the moment. I've learned that you never know how long such moments last and to embrace them. A large group of my friends bought tickets to support us, but more pleasing was the hundreds of strangers, dancing, nodding and smiling and the dozens who told us after the show that they loved it. Here is a short clip of Trumpet Tom singing the Prince Buster classic "Free Love", with guitar legend Boz Boorer guesting on lead guitar.

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Something to believe in? I got at around midnight and I was absolutely shattered. I got home and it all caught up with me. I slept like a log. At around 8.30am my wife woke me with a cup of tea. We had another Ska fest gig to attend at 1pm and we had friends to meet first, dogs to walk, etc. But when she woke me up, I was in the middle of a vivid dream. One of those gigs that you sometimes have that make you think. That I will remember until the day that I die. In my dream, I entered a dark room with a large table, a big spread with candles. Holding fort was my cousing Tessie. Tessie was my age, but died of covid during the pandemic. She was born with Downs syndrome and suffered from dementia in her last few years. I got on with her. She always told me I was her favourite cousin, but then again she probably told all her cousins that. We got on well. She was feisty, cheeky and naughty. When I was little, I was actually jealous as she had a free pass to do what she liked and everyone just said "That's just Tessie". 

Anyway, in my dream I entered, sat at the table and Tessie said "My favourite cousin". I was overjoyed to see her again. I asked how are you. She replied "Oh, it's great here. I don't have to pretend to be stupid anymore". This answer surprised me so I asked what she meant. "God sent me and I was weak and vulnerable, so he could see who the arseholes really are". When she said this all her friends burst out laughing. It all became clear to me. The life we live here is a completely different realm. Wherever we go on the next phase, we see through all of the bullshit and we are not encumbered with the baggage of human existence. I realised that Tessie had just as much of a purpose as I have with my music, that everyone has, but often don't see. Tessie's job was to give us the chance to be the best version of ourselves around her. But now, she could just enjoy herself and be the witty, naughty, fun loving person she always was but we stuggled to see. No one was judging her anymore. She was in a wonderful place, having fun with  friends.

When Clare woke me up, I was actually cross. I'd not had the chance to really to ask the questions I wanted. I was back. All I could think was "Who will be at the table with me when I get there, will I understand my purpose?". Of course, all you cynics out there will say "It's just a dream, it means nothing". Maybe, maybe not. For a moment though, perhaps the second time in a day, I was blissfully happy and I actually realised it was all going to be alright. I thought I'd share it with you. Do with this gift as you will, but please, try and be happy and make other people happy. I've failed in that mission too many times.

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The Sunday reflection #42 - What makes us happy?

I can think of four moments that I've felt truly happy this week. The first was briefly, on Thursday, when the Sun came out after a week behind the clouds and I felt its warmth on my back. It was just a moment, but for a few seconds it seemed like the world was actually alright. The second was yesterday. We had a family meet up and for a little while, whilst enjoying some rather good fish and chips and having a chat, things seemed good. Seeing people you love that you've not seen for a long time and having a chat with them is always nice. The third time was about two hours later when the referee blew the final whistle and confirmed Hadley FC's 4-0 victory over Northolt. The fourth was this morning, when my alarm clock went off at 8am and I realised that I had to go to the Dublin Castle to play the False Dots 46th anniversary gig. I feel proud that I've kept a band going for so long and also that I think we play great music and make other people happy. The best thing about the gig is not so much being a big rock star and showing off. It is that lots of people I like will be there and hopefully we'll all have a great time. A few of us are going for dinner after at Andy's Taverna in Camden. I am looking forward to it immensely.

Happiness to me is a moment, a feeling. Sometimes it is just the joy of being alive, when the Sun shines. Sometimes it is being surrounded by love, as I was when I saw my family. Sometimes it is just being there in a moment, as I was when Hadley won. Sometimes it is being able to be happy with something you achieved. Whatever it is, appreciate it and give thanks to God (or whatever you want to thank for the blessing of happiness). Life has too much sadness, hurt pain and hatred in it to pass up the chance to appreciate those fleeting moments when everything is alright. Have a great Sunday and if you've nothing better to do, come and share some happy moments with me at The Dublin Castle. The fun starts from 2pm and we are on at 4pm.

The Sunday Reflection #24 - You are only successful if you are happy

 I never had Grandparents, they all passed away long before I was born. I've only ever seen one picture of my Dad's mum. She was killed in a car accident in Australia in the 1930's. I've not seen a picture of his Dad, who passed away in mysterious circumstances in a fire, I am not even sure of the year or the place. My Mum's Dad died at home in bed in 1948, Mum said his lungs gave out after being gassed in the trenches of World War one. Her mum made it to 1960. My sister Valerie, who is nine years older than me recalls my Uncle George taking her to hospital for an investigative procedure. He reappeared as everyone was at dinner and announced "They've butchered mum".  She said it was the worst moment of her life as Nana, as she was known was by all accounts the most lovely lady who ever lived. But I was born two years later, so I never knew her. I always felt cheated that I never met this wonderful woman. I never heard anyone say a bad word about her. All of her children have passed away. I have a deep regret that I never properly talked to my mum or my aunties and uncles about her life. One of my favourite things in life is reading obituaries of people I've never heard of in newspapers. You find all sorts of wonderful people did all manner of amazing things. Sometimes, I realise that there are strange, tangential connections to our family that I'd never appreciated. I read one obituary of an Australian pilot, who fired the torpedo that disabled the rudder on the Bismark. He came from Blackall in Australia, where my Dad was born. I recalled Dad mentioning that he knew the chap. The bloke had told him that they were flying Fairy Swordfish planesm which had a maximum speed of 80mph. The German ship had automated anti aircraft guns controlled by Radar. These were calibrated to expect a minimum speed of 100mph for incoming aircraft. This meant that the old, obsolete Swordfish biplanes had a free run at the ship. They thought it was a suicide mission, but instead they flew in, fired their torpedoes and scarpered. The German sailors resorted to firing the main guns at them. They actually shot down one Swordfish, which was hit by the wake of a shell exploding on the sea. The pilots were told that they couldn't speak of this to anyone, as it gave the Royal Navy an advantage over the Kreigsmarine.

Two people, who could not be more different. My mums mum and my Dad's wartime mate. Unless you are a family member, or a wartime historian, you will most likely not have heard of either of them. Why should you have? But both were successful and both changed the world for the better. Without my Grandma, her children, grandchildren, etc would not have existed. The world would have been deprived of a BAFTA winning animator, an award winning documentary director, teachers, nurses, professors, a priest, a pretty decent comedian and a pretty inept musican. She left an amazing legacy, but perhaps her biggest legacy, one I sadly never shared, was that everyone loved her. My Dad's wartime mate's bravery helped knock out a warship that was a tool of one of the most despicable regimes in the history of the world. I have no real recollection of much else from the obituary, it was a while ago, but for his extraordinary bravery alone, I think we can all agree that the man was a hero. 

What got me thinking about all of this is a friend asked me "Do you consider your career as a musician to be successful?". It was a question I struggled to answer. If he'd asked me about my career as a studio owner, I'd say yes without hesitation. What we've achieved with the studio is beyond doubt amazing. However as a musician, it is a harder question. The band play 4/5th tier grassroots venues and local pubs. Our videos usually geta round 1,000-5,000 views. Our gigs are well attended and we have a residency at The Dublin Castle, a venue so legendary that it features in many documentaries and is recognised as an iconic location. I love playing and it gives my life a focus that I wouldn't jave if I didn't play in a band. I've also work with some amazing musicians, which is a joy, so for me, yes it is a total success. But if I list all of the bands and artists I love, we are a million miles from their level of commercial success. If I measure the bands success in commercial terms, the answer has to be no. I would love to have a career that delivered millions of pounds, a global audience and an army of adoring fans, but that would only ever be a cherry on top. I suspect that the fun may go out of it all, as we would be forced to endlessly reprise greatest hits. People would ask when we'd be having a reunion with Pete Conway, who left the band in 1980 and I've spoken to three times since, or Craig Withecombe, who left in 1983 and I've not spoken to at all. I actually reached out to Craig to see if he fancied jamming with us for our 40th anniversary show. Although I never really got on with Craig, he is a wonderful musician and we actually worked together pretty well, despite not really being mates. He never replied. I don't know if he even got the message, but if he doesn't want a jam that's cool. We parted on the worst of terms. The point is that commercial success would have meant that we would have been forever bound in an artistic relationship neither of us particularly enjoy. When I see Oasis and before them, the Beatles, it seemed to me that the more successful you are commercially, the less creative and the more of a straight jacket you find yourself in. It's not just musicians. Can you imagine how much Billy Connolly must enjoy telling the diced carrots joke or John Cleese must enjoy random strangers reciting the Dead Parrot sketch?

One of my studios favourite customers was a lovely chap called Brian. He was my sisters art teacher at Harrow School of art. His son is Harry Melling, who played Dudley Dursley in the Harry Potter films. Harry auditioned for the role of Harry Potter, but was cast as the rather unpleasant character of his muggle cousin. Brian told me that initially Harry was fed up, but it actually worked far better for him as an actor, as unlike the main characters, he wasn't typecast and forever associated. He did however get decent royalties and a career. Brian said that in many ways, you are far better not getting the plum part in such a film. It also showed that Harry was perhaps a more versatile actor. Being British and being happy to play a baddy is a good thing in Hollywood.

Which brings me back to success. The more I thought about my friends question, the more it troubled me. Then I realised that the only real problem I had in answering it, was to not point out that the band was really only a part of a bigger picture. I met my wife when the band played at The Three Hammers in Mill Hill in 1985. The band gave me her and my kids. I started the studio, as we had nowhere to rehearse. No band, no studio and no job! My IT career was kick started by the need to repay the losses I incurred taking the band to Sweden and Finland in 1981, although that was financially a disaster, it was perhaps the best two weeks of my life and the legacy got me on the right track. Being dyslexic, writing and performing  songs and lyrics and having a band transformed me from a shy, quiet, unconfident kid with anxiety issues, into a confident performer able to command a stage, and hold my own against anyone. As a dyslexic, when someone tells me that they love my lyrics it means a lot to me. Most of all though, the band has brought me so much joy and happiness in life. These days, often it is little, seemingly inconsequential things we do that bring the most happiness. Things like getting the audience to sing happy birthday to one of our fans and seeing them with a tear of joy in their eye. 

When the band started, we were all terribly serious and wanted to be seen as 'cool'. Now we want to be the band that makes people happy and go home with a smile on their faces. And yes, I think we are very successful when it comes to that. That will do for me. Here is a little snippet of what we do with The False Dots. 

Wellbeing Wednesday #1 - Time for change has come!

 One of my 'secret new years resolutions' was to start this feature. However, I decided that I'd wait until I had my six month cancer consultation before I did. There were three reasons for this. The first, I am superstitious and I didn't want to tempt fate. The second is that if the results of my PSA test and consult were not good, I'd be in no real state to talk about wellbeing. The third and this may or may not surprise anyone who has read my blog and knows how opinionated I am, is that I wasn't really sure that I had anything sensible to say. My doubts were somewhat eased by discussions I had with friends recently. A couple said that reading my Cancer blog series had been really helpful.

So why now? Following my radical prostatectomy in August, it is likely ( I have just crossed my fingers and said an Our Father for good luck, being a very superstitious, if rather bad Roman Catholic, who doesn't want to tempt fate) that I've put my cancer struggles behind me. Although I will persist with my cancer blog, I hope that it will slowly wither, as it eventually becomes just an annual round up of the PSA test. But the journey has given me a hell of a lot. I don't know if I am alone in this, clearly I am (currently) a survivor and someone who has actually got more positives out of the brush with cancer than negatives. The mental health challenge, especially in the last year, have been immense, but the journey has made me finally address many things that have held me back as a person. I have no qualifications to speak about wellbeing, it is purely a personal viewpoint. I am sure some qualified people may find what I have to say wrong, possibly verging on irresponsible at times, but I believe that one of the biggest problems around the issue of wellbeing is that we are all horribly dishonest. 

So lets start with how this will work. I have set myself some goals for the year. I will track them here.

Exercise 

Last year, I had goals and these were derailed by my surgery and not being able to use the gym at all for three months. This year, my goals are as follows.

Cycling - Minimum 50km a month, Target for year 600km

Rowing - Minimum to June 10km a month,  July to December 40Km per month - Annual total 300km

Cross Trainer Jan - June. 1.5km per week 

Running July-December 15Km a week

My ankle is unable currently to support running, so I am building up with the cross trainer

My target is to clock 1,000km in the gym in total this year. I aim to go twice a week as a minimum.

I also aim to continue my 10k steps a day minimum walking.

I used to be able to row 10K in 37 minutes. It is my aim to get back to doing 10km in 42 minutes by December. This will need a lot of work and is dependent on not getting injuries. 

As its the last day of January, I have failed miserably to meet my target, but this is in part due to my ankle at the start of the month. I started on the 17th and have managed 4km rowing, 28km cycling and 1km on the cross trainer. I aim to catch up by December

Weight/BMI

At the start of the year, I was 111kg. This may be the heaviest I've ever been. This was a combination of overdoing the alcohol, comfort eating and Christmas. Then there is my BMI (click here to check your BMI) -  my consultant told me on Monday that as my BMI was registering as obese, I need to address this. He informed me that this is likely to hinder my recovery from prostate surgery in matters sexual. That is a good incentive

This was my BMI at the start of the month

I've been dieting all month and the weight is down to 107kg. Definite progress has been made. If I keep this up for February, I should be out of the obese range (just about)

So how have I been doing this? I did not drink at all for the first two weeks in January and I've set myself a target of drinking on a maximum of two days a week for the rest of the month. For the rest of the year, the target is to drink a maximum of three days a week. As for food, my target is to eat around 2,500 calories a day on non drinking days, whilst with exercise, burning a minimum of 3,400kCal per day. 

To facilitate this, I've been keeping a food diary. This tells me if I am meeting this. I largely am. Weekends/drink days need some work, but by choosing healthier options in restaurants etc, it does make a difference. I do not believe that living like a monk is balanced, so it is getting the balance right. Knowing you have to add snacks etc to the diary focusses the mind. Being honest with yourself is the key. 

I will track my BMI progress here. My target is to be BMI 27.3 by 1st June (weight 94kg). This puts me bang smack in the middle of the 'Overweight' category. Whenever I have reached this weight previously, I have had healthy body fat levels. I am a naturally thick set build and believe BMI is a bit of an imprecise tool. My intention will be do discuss this with my GP at the time, when I have a regular check up. 

Alcohol

This is my biggest challenge. I come from a family with a strong history of alcoholism on both sides. My wife has spent 30 years telling me I am in denial over my drinking. Adding drinks to my alcohol log is my way of trying to work out if I have a problem and how much of a problem it is. I do not believe I have a tendency to alcoholism. I don't miss it when I don't drink (except in the pub in company of drinkers). I don't drink on my own. Some of the Trolls who have tried to upset me have portrayed me as an alcoholic, drunkenly blogging at 3am in the morning with a G&T in my hand. This is total rubbish. The only time I've ever blogged after drinking, is when I've attended something such as a council meeting, then been to the pub with other bloggers etc after, and I wanted to get the blog done when I got home, as it was fresh in my mind. Generally they are written in the morning, sober.

I easily manage to stick to my days off rule, apart from on holidays and breaks, which I have always excluded from the rules. What I do, and recognise is a problem, is binge drink on the days I do drink. As most of my good friends also do this, it is a challenge to address. Following my prostatectomy, I've learned that too much volume of alcohol, especially beer, can lead to unfortunate accidents. This has made me moderate my binge drinking (as well as planning my route home carefully). 

I can honestly say that until I've a couple of months worth of data on my food log, I will not really be able to work out a strategy. Let say, this is not a challenge that over concerns me right now. 

Mental Health Wellbeing

So how do I feel? As I started to put this blog together, I realised that this was something that I don't track. When I was 24 I had a mini crisis, when my relationship with my then partner broke down and I had a serious health crisis (a stomach bleed that almost killed me and an infected polyp in my left ear that made me think I was going mad). I had counselling after. The counsellor suggested I keep a mood diary. As this was in a book, I was terrified that someone may find it, so I put symbols rather than categories. There were four. I marked these out of ten. These were 1 - Anxiety/stress level, 2 - Mood/Happiness level, 3 - Goal achievement level and 4 - Sexual interest/activity level. It might not surprise you that the higher 1 and lower 2 were, the lower 3 and 4 were. I also recorded why. My counsellor suggested setting daily goals (ten minutes guitar practice, go for a run/exercise for 30 mins, etc). I'd set one a day. That doesn't mean don't do other things. Sometimes they were boring that I didn't want to do, like doing a tax return. I also had to make a note as to why I'd not achieved them. Often the reason for failing was "Went to pub with mates and got pissed". For the six months I was having counselling, I'd review this on a fortnightly basis. At the end of 1985, I met my current wife and since then, mostly 1 and 2 have been low and the others far better. I thought I'd put it to bed, but I realise it would be useful to do this again. 

So I will be adding these back to the food log and setting a daily goal. Here is todays entry - As you can see it has only been partially filled and is more for an example if its something you feel may work for you

As I stated, this seems to work for me. It is my intention to post this blog regularly, usually on the last Wednesday of the month, charting progress and analysing any lessons learned. I see this as the logical successor, as mentioned above, to the cancer blog (assuming that behaves itself). 

I will discuss strategies that have worked for me and why I've fallen back where that happens. By posting this, I have put it out there, so I can't hide from it.

I finish by saying a few words of thanks. Firstly to Professor Christopher Eden, my prostate surgeon, who put me in a position to do this. To my mens health physio Mr Gerard Green, who helped me deal with the aftermath of my surgery. To Andrew, the nutrition expert at Vitality Health, who got me back on track with the food log and to Natalie at Vitality, who organised the seminar where I met Andrew. 

Then there is my missus, the ever lovely Clare, who makes it all possible, my kids Maddie, Lizzie and Matthew who give me a reason to do it. And finally to all my mates, who will do everything in their power to derail all of the good work, when we go for a drink, but without whom life would be so dull!

And I finish with a promise. On Saturday 3rd Feb, The False Dots, my band, will perform a gig to celebrate their 45th Birthday at The Dublin Castle. This will be a day when my food log will be very + on the calories side, as I have a few pints to celebrate (please come along). Right now, I look like a fat slob. My ambition is to, by the bands next birthday, have a 'beach ready physique', rather than a 'beached whale phsyique". I am keen to show this off. If I achieve it, I'll buy everyone who reminds me of this promise a drink of whatever they want! (I was going to promise to do a song in the Buff, but we want people to enjoy the evening). 

Take five minutes to read this, it may make your life more happy!

 What was the first thing you thought when you read the headlien on this blog? "What's he selling"? "What does he want?" "Has someone hacked the Barnet Eye and put a scam site on it"?

I hope you'll be pleased to know that it's none of the above. So how might this blog make your life more happy?  Well it might just make you take a minute to think and you might just come to the conclusion that with a few simple adjustments to your life, you might, just might be happier. There's no catch, I'm not asking you to do anything more than sit down for two minute and think about a simple question that I'll be asking at the end of this blog. 

So let me start by giving you some background as to why I'm asking this. It's not often that you get given something that is quite expensive, for nothing, where nothing is expected in return. This week, those of you who follow me on Instagram (and this isn't a plea for followers) will know I've been in France. You probably won't know why, as I didn't tell anyone. There wasn't any particular reason I didn't tell anyone, other than I didn't think too many people would be interested. However the reason I went was because I am a deputy group leader with a charity called HCPT and they were holding a revival event for group leaders and deputies. The chance of a couple of days in France for free was enough of a carrot to entice me along. I have to confess that generally in life, I have a stronga version to meetings, team building events etc. In my former life in IT, I had enough of that sort of thing. In general, the company I was working for would decide that everyone needed 'motivating', so we'd get locked in a large conference room for two days, get a trip to Edinburgh Zoo or the such like, and we'd have all sorts of marvellous ideas shouted at us, as we sat there waiting for the session to end, so we could all go to the pub or for the buffet to arrive. I recall one particular event, where we were told that money wasn't what motivated staff, it was the pleasure of doing the job. At the end, all of the people who worked for me collared me and started saying "Does that mean we are not getting a pay rise" and several started looking for new jobs. 

So I have to confess, I approach any such thing with a degree of cynicism. As I don't get paid to volunteer for HCPT and don't have to do anything, if I don't feel like it, I was slightly less ccynical about the event. You may wonder what the attraction of spending a couple of days in France, with people you barely know is, even if it is free, maybe if you look at the Instagram piccies, there is a little clue. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that the main attraction was just some fresh air and nice french food. 

It was a pretty packed three days, with 'revival sessions' every day and an early rise (for me) at 7am for breakfast at 7.30. The chap running the event was a chap called David Wells (click the link here to learn more), I hope David won't mind me describe him as a fairly average looking chap who can talk a bit. When he was introduced, my heart sunk just a little bit, I learned his day job was originally as a  teacher. Regular readers will know that I really didn't enjoy school. I had no idea what the agenda was for the programme. I was surprised when David announced that the first topic we'd discuss was 'Joy'.  David explained that we were all a bit too busy to allow ourselves joy in our busy lives. This made me think. I am undoubtedly very busy, but my initial thought was "actually, I'm pretty happy. Yes, I am busy, but I'm busy doing things I like". My initial thought was, "sod this for a game of soldiers, I'm going to spend a day discussing a problem, I don't have, when's the buffet". Then David exxplained that one of the enemys of Joy was cynicism. I doubt that there is a blogger on the planet who is not a bit cynical. I have always thought cynicism to be a great strength, not a negative charactaristic. My initial thought was "not only am I sitting listening to a lengthy speel about a problem I don't have, but there is a bloke standing here, disparaging what I consider one of my best characteristics".  But then, as he expanded on the theme, a thought occurred to me. I think beer is wonderful, I think drinking beer has been one of the most joyous things I do. A pint with mates, especially at a match of football cannot be beaten. But if I was to drink beer, morning, noon and night, would it still make me happy. The thing I enjoy about a beer is as much that I don't drink it all the time and when I do, it is with friends and I look forward to it. 

As David spoke, I thought  "is my cynicism, that I am so proud of, something that is like a pint of beer on a Saturday night, or am I drinking it morning, noon and night".  I then thought about my blog, perhaps the embodyment of my cynicism. There are nine million words on this blog. Probably eight million are drenched in cynicism. As I am sure you are all bored to death hearing, I was the first of the Barnet bloggers. In some ways I am the last. At one point, there were seven. One by one, they all seemed to burn out and get totally drained. Only Mr Mustard has (thus far) posted this year. It can be a draining and debilitating. I can recall one blogger telling me that they were "giving up for their mental health". I was astounded. I find that unburdening myself liberates me. Once I've written a blog, the angst and anxiety that inspires it disippates. Am I unique? I actually enjoy it, but is the level of cynicism in me stifling me and killing me, in the way that drinking beer morning, noon and night would? As I thought about this, my cynicism towards David Wells started to disippate . His job was to make me think. He had succeeded. 

One of the reasons I hated school was that, as a dyslexic, I found it hard to focus and concentrate. My brain works slowly. I'd pick up on an interesting concept and get stuck. The rest of the class were readily assimilating the information being passed, whilst I'd be looking out of the window, pondering a point that the teacher had made ten minutes ago, that had tweaked my fancy. I'd stick my hand up and ask a question, that it had taken me 20 minutes to formulate, only to be asked "What the hell are you on about". What had, to the teacher, been an inconsequential aside, had to me been a fundamentally monumental issue. I'd developed my thoughts, so tangentially that what I asked had no relation to anything the teacher had said, except for me. This is one reason I underachieved at school. I am very aware of this problem and try to have some discipline, but David's points had certainly stirred up my thoughts.  The session finished, we had dinner on Monday night and a few drinks. I got to know a few of the other delegates. I only properly knew one person, who bizarrely sat opposite me when we worked for Centrefile 30 years ago. We'd lost touch and only reconnected via HCPT a couple of years ago. The break gave me a chance to catch up. 

On Tuesday morning, we continued with the theme of Joy. As I was less tired, more relaxed and more amenable to David's presentation, I found I was able to concentrate far better. One of David's key questions was "what is blocking joy in your life". Now as I'd already stated, my initial response was that "my life is full of Joy, what's this got to do with me?".  I was starting to realise that I needed to think this through properly and be more receptive to what David was saying. 

Joy? sure, I can lie in the bath and listen to my Wire Spotify playlist and be filled with joy (God willing, that is what I'll do at 10pm after five a side footie later), but that doesn't mean my life is filled with joy. I may be looking forward to The False Dots gig on Saturday night, but does that mean my life is filled with joy? When people meet me, see me, speak to me, do I bring them joy. When I turn up at the pub, do my friends think "Oh great, here comes Rog, we'll all have a bit of a laugh now". When I get home from work, does my wife and children think "Rog's home, we can all be happy now?". Or do they think "Oh God, what's he going to start moaning about today?". Do my kids think "Ive had a really bad day today, maybe Dad can help me get through". Something David said and to be honest, I can't remember what, triggered a thought in me. Possibly my favourite restaurant in the world is the Mill Hill Tandoori. I'd never given it any thought before, why can this be? The food is good, but not exceptional (although the Tandoori Salmon is to die for). The decor could do with a refresh. There are only two lagers on sale. What makes it special? I realised that the thing I really like is that it isn't a library. You know, those restaurants, where everyone is whispering, you always feel like the worst dressed diner, you'd never take your kids in there when they were little for fear of being shamed and there's always someone who is stinking rich, who the waiters seem far more pleased to see. In the Mill Hill Tandoori, when I go in, I know half of the other diners. It is anything but quiet. People will get up and walk over to other tables for chat. Families will come in with their kids. The owner and waiters will come over and have a chat. Sometimes I nip down for a takeaway and end up spending the night in there, joining mates. When mates want a boys night out, it's where we go. Why? Because it is joyous. 

This got me thinking about my definition of joy. What joy do I bring to the world when I listen to my Wire playlist in the bath? Wire brought a lot by writing the music and I guess that the 0.00001p they will get for me paying it, may be some sort of thank you, but although it is a necessary chill out, it is not joy because surely joy is a shared experience? Now I sincerely hope that when the False Dots play at the Edgware Ex Servicemens club on Saturday, I bring some joy to the world. I'll try may damned hardest, but that is an easy thing. We've planned it for months, practised for years. But what is the point of all that, if all I do is sit around at home moaning and making the rest of the family miserable? When we only give joy on our own terms, is that really joyous. For many of us, we hear the mantra "The best nights are the ones you don't plan". The spontaneous "Let's give this a go" on the spur of the moment.

As a nation, the British are reserved. Our attemps to bring joy are often terribly counter productive. When someone has had a devastating moment in life, comments like "Cheer up, it may never happen" are probably the worst thing you can do. When my mum died, I was pretty devastated. A good friend took the time to take me out for a pub crawl and buy me a meal. It wasn't a joyous evening at the time, but when I look at his kindness, that is a great source of joy, that someone cared. Sometimes, we find that when we share a little joy, we get an infinite amount more back. Let me give a little example. In 2004, we were on holiday in Spain. Our cat sitter called. Our cat had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. My kids who were aged 3 to 8 were devastated. The only thing I could think of was to say "Never mind, it means we can now get a puppy"". I was held to my word. I can honestly say that getting a dog was one of the best things we've done. The joy that has brought to all of us is immense, but was totally unplanned and to be honest, I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out how to get out of it, once I'd rashly proposed it. 

So anyway, to sum up. Yes, I went with a degree of cynicism on the trip and probably for all the wrong reasons. But I came back with some real food for thought. The first question I asked myself is "Do I want more joy in life?" Surely the answer must be yes, who would want less? That leads to the question "Do I want that joy to be of the slightly selfish type, lying in the bath listening to music or the shared with people I love type of joy, where we spread the joy". Surely the answer to this is "A bit of both". By all means, recharge your batteries. We all need some time to ourselves but to really have a joyous existence, we need to share that around". This leads to a third question "Can we really spread joy, if we only do it on our terms?" Well, to some degree we can, because at least we are making some sort of effort, but when if, sometimes, we tear up the plans and just live, just open our eyes, surely we can discover more and have more joy in our life. This leads to another question "Can we truly have a joyous existence, if those around us are unhappy?".  I doubt too many people would say "yes, you can". No man is an island, as the saying goes. Which takes us to our final destination, the question that maybe you could ponder for a couple of minutes. "What can we do to bring a little bit more joy into the world". I'd suggest that whilst we'd all love to end war and poverty etc, just picking up the phone to a friend who may be going through something and having a chat, doing something small that someone will appreciate, maybe putting your arm around someone you love and telling them that you really  appreciate them and ask if you can do anything to show this just a little more. I started from a position of cynicism, but I've ended with the realisation that just a few small things will make the world a slightly better place for those people I care about. If I am the only person to realise this, then it will be like a small stone, landing in a pond. There will be a few ripples. I hope that by sharing this, maybe we will all be throwing stones of happiness in the pond. Why do I still write blog? For the same reason I did on day one. To make a small difference. So I will leave you with the question. It's up to you where you go with it.

What can we do to bring a little bit more joy into the world?