A guide to the Festival of #Brexit

#BREXITFEST SPPONSORED BY PORKIE'S PIES

The Barnet Eye is absolutely delighted to be able to announce that we have been leaked an early copy of the plans for Boris Johnson's Festival of Brexit from our mate Stan in the Cabinet Office.

 Here are just a few of the amazing exhibits that we can expect to see.

1. Råttenfisk - This amazing installation consists of 43 tonnes of rotting fish, which fishermen are now unable to export to the EU following the new Brexit rules. You can take home your very own rotten haddock, which can be easily tied to the subframe of your neighbours car, giving you hours of fun as he tries to work out where the pong comes from.

2.  Visaworld! -  This brilliant work is a collection of all the Visa's that you now need to secure if you wish to visit Europe. There is a fascinating section displaying all the attractive stamps you can now get in your passport, for a small fee, when you visit EU member states. 

3. 90 Days? A short film documenting the fun British expat citizens living in the EU, who did not fill out the required paperwork for residency, have had packing their possessions as they move back to Good Old Blighty.

4. Scheisse! An immersive display, where you can bathe in fresh river waters from around the UK following removal of EU protections for water quality.

5. Road Trip. A humourous look at life in the fast lane of the M20, with a UK Lorry driver explaining the hours of fun you can have filling customs declarations and border checks as you collect Gherkins from Hungary to fill our shelves.

6. Ireland Oh Ireland. The romantic tale of the cross border trade in horse semen for the Irish racing industry throughout the ages and how the new border in the Irish sea is affecting Irish racehorse owners racing horses in the UK.

7. A Place in the Sun. A fantastic display of ways that the mega rich can get around all of that annoying paperwork that prevents plebs buying homes in the sun, now we are no longer EU citizens, with a humourous introduction from Stanley Johnson, explaining how checking your second property is not a holiday for the purposes of Covid laws.

8. Born to Be Blue. A look at the amazing new blue British Passport and a short list of all the places it is now easier and cheaper to visit since Brexit..

9. Goal. This fantastic installation looks at all of the profesional footballers who Premiership clubs would no longer be able to employ had #Brexit been in place and explains the huge benefit not being able to recruit young talent from the EU will have on the Premiership.

10. Love in a cold climate. A specially commissioned play detailing the tragic tale of Romeo a young Frenchman and Juliette a young Londoner, who fall in love but are kept apart for 90 days out of every 180 by Brexit regulations.

AND A VERY SPECIAL UNVEILING OF A STATUE OF NIGEL FARAGE BOARDING A SEALINK FERRY TO CELEBRATE THE SUCCESS OF BREXIT!

Disclaimer - Sadly, we made this up. Not the effects that are detailed, which are 100% accurate, but sadly you won't be able to get a rotten haddock, swim in Schiese of see the wonderful collection of visa's at the festival. However, if Boris fancies paying me as a consultant at the usual exhorbitant consultancy rates that he pays his mates, I'll happily put it all together for him!

The Saturday List #77 - Strange, stupid and downright dishonest - What our politicians say

Yesterday we saw a rather amusing and bizzare tweet from disgraced former Tory GLA rep for Barnet, none other than Brian Coleman. Brian said

Brian Coleman ‏@BrianColeman251 Mar 19

@Barneteye All Great politicians have a temper Churchill, Gordon Brown , Mrs T and these days they have stalkers and Internet trolls as well

Now of the many things I never thought I'd hear, Brian listing Gordon Brown up there with Churchill and Thatcher amongst the greats was not one. So in light of this, what other subject could we have for our Saturday list, than the stupid things politicians say.

1. There can only be one winner - UKIP Councillor David Silvester blamed flooding on same sex marriage legislation - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-25793358 

2. Perhaps the funniest claim was made by the Leader of Barnet Council, back in 2009, when he claimed that publishing the councils spending would put an end to "Bloggers and leakers" - http://www.times-series.co.uk/news/4719733.Online_accounts_to_end__bloggers_and_leakers__says_councillor/ - That went well, didn't it Richard?

3. Another absolute belter was the current Tory MP Mike Freer, claimin in 2002 that "You can't let ideology get in the way of providing quality services and value for money." - http://www.times-series.co.uk/archive/2002/05/30/6330229._All_options__explored_for_learning_disabilities_services/ -  when talking about social services in Barnet. Anyone who has followed Freers career knows that he specifically ruled out performing a public sector comparator in Barnet, just in case it showed in house services were cheaper. So much for not letting ideology get in the way.

4. Hendon MP Matthew Offord is part of a government which has seen more library closures than any other. Public services have been run down at an alarming rate. So what do you think of this statement from Offord in 2008 "“We certainly want to make our services most relevant to the people within the community and that includes upgrading our current library’s stock and buildings, and also renewing, improving and refurbishing new libraries in the communities" - http://www.times-series.co.uk/news/3561266.Revamped_libraries_enter_new_chapter/ - always interesting to see what wannabee MP's say before they get into power and how it works out.

5. And perhaps the oddest quote of all. Nigel Farage said about the UKIP manifesto in 2010 'I didn't read our 2010 manifesto. It was drivel. 486 pages of drivel" - Who was the leader of UKIP then? Yup, you guessed it! - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-25879302

6.  Just to show we are not simply picking on right wing plonkers, who could forget when Ed Balls was asked if he could name a businessman who had donated money to the Labour party recently. Mr Balls replied " 'Bill somebody'" - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31125998

Have a great Saturday. I hope your fave team won. Mine just have!