I used to hate Man Utd, but then I grew up. Now I only feel pity for their fans, continually shafted by greedy owners who care less for their own fans, than I did when I hated them. I never robbed or shafted Utd fans, just chanted my disdain. The Glazers have absolutely destroyed the reputation of Man Utd and turned them into a joke club.Rattycliff is even worse. Ferguson built a legacy and they were the Uk’s no 1 club. Now they are debt ridden, the stadium is falling down and last season they didn’t qualify for Europe and got knocked out of every cup at first attempt. I would say they are the biggest joke in football but Infantino has made FIFA have that title.
Under his rule, FIFA has given World Cups to despotic regimes, with no regards for human rights. The schedules are all about keeping TV sponsors happy. The prices for matches has gone through the roof. The US world cup has seen the introduction of 3 minute hydration breaks, effectively turning matches into games of four quarters. This was done to pacify US advertisers and is universally despised by fans. It works against the interests that teams that have momentum. England have benefitted from a coaching reset, but it is simply not what football is all about. The scandal about the rescinding of USA star Balogans red card, at the behest of Donald Trump is just the latest example of brown nosing Trump. Although not quite as revolting as giving him the Trumped up award of the "FIFA Peace prize", it actually completely undermines the concept of fair treatment in disciplinary hearings.
In truth, it seems to me as if US commercial interests are the most corrosive thing in Football. The Glazers exploitation of Man Utd gives a window into the contempt for ordinary fans. Infantino's fawning over Trump shows that the game has lost its soul. On Saturday, I will go to my first pre season friendly of the season at Hadley FC. I am an addict to football and I've loved watching England, but it is becoming for me, raised a Catholic, almost a guilty pleasure and I feel embarrassed to say I am enjoying it. In many ways supporting clubs with owners like Man Utd's and watching FIFA run competitions is like being involved in an abusive relationship, where you are hopelessly in love with a complete bastard, who doesn't respect you and see's your role solely as being subservient to their desires. We all know what the sensible thing to do is, but none of us ever do it. The fans have never had a say in how the President of FIFA is elected. The process is more shady than a Russian presidential election.
I have to say I was pleased that England played in Mexico. It seemed proper. I felt like I could pretend we were in a proper tournament in a decent place. I hope that one day Mexico get a world cup again. I would go. In truth, if the USA had a decent and honest President, I may have gone. However I had worries that I'd be turned around at the border, for what I said on this blog. It seems that people have been refused entry for less.
I wil feel far more comfortable at non league Hadley with a bunch of people who love football and a club that cares about its fans. The False Dots released our new album on Saturday and we have a love song to Hadley FC on it, Have a listen!
A few years ago, I was having a sort out of the junk I've acquired over a lifetime. I found a bunch old school books from my time at St Vincents. My kids were appalled at how inept I was at writing. I wrote about it and gave an example in one of my dyslexia blog series. In one of the other books, our teacher asked us what we wanted to bewhen we grew up. I think my answer may shock you. I said "I want to have a shed and a pond in my garden". Interestingly. I have 2 sheds and 2 ponds these days, so I can confidently say I have succeded. You may think that this shows an extraordinary lack of ambition. I think it shows a maturity far beyond my age. I wanted something achievable, which would bring me great joy. What I really wanted was a shed with a workbench and lots of tools that I could sit in all day making and mending things, then a very large pond I could go fishing in after a day in the shed. Sadly, I've not acheived that level of shed/pond ownership and in truth my interests have changed. But there is a small part of me that would love that.
I recall being humiliated by the teacher who set the problem. They felt that this was not something to aspire to. They wanted me to say I wanted to be a bank manager, an estate agent or a motor mechanic. Some of the class came up with some wonderful dreams of jobs. A few wanted to be builders like their Dad's, others wanted to be racing car drivers and footballers. The teacher treated such unachieveable dreams as far more sensible than mine. They were complimented on their ambition. When I was fourteen, I had a career counselling session at Finchley Catholic High School. I recall it well. The teacher asked what I wanted to be. I said "An astronaut". I had learned from my previous experience. Once more I was berated. This time for being stupid and selecting something that was completely unrealistic. I still have the sheet of paper. Suggested options? Mowing lawns for Barnet Council or working as a motor mechanic. Shortly after, I discovered Punk Rock and I knew exactly what I wanted to be.
I wanted to be in a punk rock band, with a beautiful wife and a great gan of mates. I wasn't bothered about being rich, I just wanted to play gigs in small clubs and have fun. Like the pond, I have achieved it. There are downsides, though. When you get to sixty three, you still love doing gigs, as I did yesterday, but you suffer for your art. My back, knees and ankles hurt like hell, after all the jumping around and lugging gear. We had a blast though, and that is why I will do it until I can't (or no one will play music with me).
As for having a beautiful wife, that has it's downside. It's bad enough when people say "what on earth is she doing with you?" it's even worse when you are having a drink with a drunken mate and they tell you of their undying lust for your missus. I used to take such comments as a compliment, but I've always kept a beady eye on them after! And having a great bunch of mates. Well you have to work on that and often, I end up drinking far too much as I feel I have to be part of the gang and I don't want FOMO. It will probably be the death of me. But in truth I am lucky.
I have mates who's biggest dream was to have a well paid job. They liked the idea of the cash, but the downside is that it takes over your life. They missed the best bits of their kids growing up. For some, it lead to the breakdown of relationships and abject misery. It also lead to the neglecting of friendship groups, leading to isolation. I bumped into an old school mate on the tube. Successful, well off and totally miserable. He was telling me how it all went wrong in his life. I felt quite sad. Then he started boasting about his cars and his money. I felt even sadder, he'd become a crashing bore. He was very sniffy about me playing in a band. I think he assumed that I actually lived in a shed and my toilet was a bucket.
A female colleague I used to work with had a different dream. She wanted a fancy wedding. She was obsessed with the idea. She chose a man who was photgenic. She forced him to go to a local church that was pretty for a year, so they could marry there, even though he was an atheist. The wedding and the reception were the most fancy I've been to. When it was done, she realised that what she wanted was a big day, where she was the centre of attention. The drudgery of married life and kids was not for her. She decided it was all her husbands fault. He was a steady bloke, great job, generous, pleasant, committed father, etc. She decided he was too boring for her and left him and the kids. I bumped into her a couple of years after the divorce. She confessed that she'd only married him for the fun of the big day. She'd not thought about what comes next.
And ther elies the rub. If you want a shed and a pond, apart from the odd bit of maintenance, you know what you are getting yourself into. If you want a fancy wedding, you then have a spouse to live with. If you get a well paid, important job, you get a load of brain damage and stress with it. My Mum once gave me a very sound bit of advice. She said "When you are making important life decisions, always think about where they will leave you in ten years time". Now in ten years time, I'll be 73. For me, right now, the financial decisions I make in the next couple of years will decide whether I'll be living in the shed then. Will I still be in a band. I hope so. I hope my wife, kids and friends are all still fit, fun and healthy. I hope we look back on the current period as a bit of a blip on the road of life, and the idiots and conflicts that dominate our news channels have become items for the history books.
Nothing lasts forever. The last decade for me has been a mixture of terrible and absolutely fantastic. I think that is the way of life. I've had personal challenges, business challenges, the world has seen pandemics, bad politics and financial pressures. But the times with famaily, friends and band have been fantastic. For me, it is our best ever recordings. Ten years ago, when the Brexit vote was the big news, I couldn't have predicted the good or the bad things that have dominated the last few years. At the time, I wrote a blog, in the aftermath of Brexit, where I posted a message of hope. Although my optimism has had a battering since then and I am more cynical, I think it is still basically true. The loudmouths will always be heard and the quiet, reasoned people drowned out, but that doesn't mean they are the majority. It has long been said "Careful what you wish for". In truth, these days, I wish for little, health and happiness. If the Good Lord is listening, which I am sure they are, I hope that they hear my wish. I hope that if it is granted, it is in a way that makes everyone on the planet just a little happer and healthier as well. I cannot sign off without mentioning England and the World Cup. Come on England, put in a good performance. Mexico are one of the teams I prefer. It is a country I hope to spend some more time in. I hope our fans make us proud, whatever happens.
Keep the faith.
Yesterday saw a real pinnacle on the journey, with the launch of The False Dots new album "We don't live in America". We are reaping the fruits of involving our Trumpet player Tom Hammond in the songwriting process. I've been previewing the album on the blog recently. I'd really appreciate a listen and a like. Please check it out
You make plans. Life gets in the way. I am a great believer that the big bloke up in the sky with the white beard has a plan and you have to listen. Sometimes, things come together, but you have to throw your plans out of the window and start again! We've been previewing the new album by The False Dots all week. Today is the one day to go mark. The song we were reviewing is called Wrong. But there is something I had to say that is more important than our album, but is dead on theme with the song today.
Let me start by introducing you to Woofus. This is Woofus in the studio reception this morning. He is a rather large 6 year old Staffie. His owners dumped him. He has a microchip. The owners were contacted by the police, who said they were not interested. The police were going to put him down, but despite his size and breed, he is a softy. They couldn't. They contacted my studio manager Darren's friend Suzie who works at an animal rescue centre, to see if they could help. Suzie fell in love. You may know Suzie if you watch animal documentaries. She is an expert snake handler and had her own series. She took one look at the dog, who was calle Rufus, renamed him Woofus, and took him on.
He is lovely. I got slobbered and kissed on arrival, by Woofus I hasten to add. Suzie was just dropping off a birthday present for Darren, but meeting Woofus was a real treat for me. I love dogs. I have two that are rescue dogs. I have strong views on the subject.
I personally would send people to prison who mistreat or dump dogs. I think dog welfare is something that should be taken seriously. I must add that it is not only dogs, this extends to rabbits, cats, pets and farm animals. In a civilised soceity none should be treated badly. I would like to see licences re-ntroduced for pet ownership. Anyone who genuinely loves animals would not object. I'd also have DNA registry, paid for by the licence, that means dumping animals is not an option.
What happen to Woofus, my dogs and countless other animals in the UK is wrong. I had a canvas for the track sorted, but I've regenerated it featuring Woofus, to make the point. Thank you big guy up in the sky for bring this all together so nicely. In the unlikely event that I ever make any money from the song, I'll donate a goodly chunk of my share to our local dog rescue centres. Here is Woofus joining The False Dots on guitar at The Horn music venue in St Albans. Some people are sniffy about AI generated videos, but for me, it means we can do this. And as for the song Wrong, it was the first song ever played by the False Dots at our first rehearsal in 1979. A real blast of Punk Anger. It never occurred to me before but in many ways, it sums up bad dog owners.
Wrong
Do you consider yourself a thinking person? Or an object for others to manipulate Nobody's immortal Nobody's irreplaceable You're Wrong You're Wrong You're Wrong You're Wrong!
To sum up
If you have a brain, take responsibility for your actions. Don't blame everyone else. Respect your responsibilities. Don't go to your grave being a prick. Rant over.
We have made Woofus an honoury member of the band!
Three days to go unti the launch of The False Dots new single "We don't live in America". Today we are previewing track 10 on the album, Pusherman (I'm the man). We have skipped track 9, Big Hairy Spider as it was the single from the album and has already been released (CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO). Pusherman is an old song, which we've given a new lease of life. We recorded it in 2006, with a very different iteration of the band. Myself and Fil Ross were on guitar, Paul Hircombe (RIP) on bass and Tony Cavaye on drums. Charlie Honderick takes a guest turn on vocals. I like the version, which we released on our odds and sods album, but we felt that a more raw, updated version with Trumpet would work well.
It is a big song, a horrible song. Back in the mid 1980's I rented a room in a house share in Mollison Way. When I moved in it was pretty respectable, but a couple of housemates moved out and a couple of drug dealers moved in. The flat became a centre for dealing, which was awkward for me, as I had a respectable job, I moved out after three months, but I saw a few things that were totally beyond the pale. My actual flatmates were not too bad as people, but there were a couple of suppliers who were really hard core, with no respect for anyone or anything. I was fascinated to observe them. The first time I met them, I walked in when they were conducting business. Can you imagine walking into your own front room to be greeted with "Who the F**K are you?". During that period some of my vinyl went missing and on more than one occasion, I got in and went to bed to find someone crashed out in it.
I mentally noted their behaviour and wrote the song after watching an episode of Life on Mars, the series with Philip Gleinister. I cast myself as the Pusherman in it. We retitled the song "I'm the man" for the Odds and Sods release and changed the lyrics, as Charlie wasn't overly happy being the font of all evil. This is the full version in all its glory. It's all true, but I am acting the role, it is not me! The British love playing baddies and it is fun to sing it.
Three days to go unti the launch of The False Dots new single "We don't live in America". Today we are previewing "Hadley FC We love you". Tom Hammond, our Trumpeter and part time singer joined the band after chatting to me at Hadley FC where we are both season ticket holders. We wanted to write the ultimate football song for our fave Non League team. The actual song has had two other versions. I wrote it in 2012. We recorded a version with Allen Ashley, who wrote the original third verse and middle eight. It was a generic football song. Lee Thompson from Madness recorded saxon the song. We recorded it and made some CD's to raise cash for Prostate Cancer charities, in association with Madchat (The Madness Charity).
When Tom joined the band, we rewrote the lyrics and repurposed the song for the England Euro's campaign. I took the vocal duties. Tom then suggested we do a Hadley version. So when the album is released, you'll be able to compare all three. This song is very Hadley specific and we will be releasing a limited edition vinyl single version.
Saturday Hadley Version
Verse 1
Saturday is here again,
the weekend starts, let the football begin
Back in 2023, I was personally struggling. Having been diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2011, I was faced with a second round of treatment, which was going to be life changing. This series of blogs gave some clue to my readers. I didn't personally realise the magnitude of challenges I was facing. To my surprise though, BBC Radio London mid morning host Eddie Nestor had been following the blogs and got in contact. Eddie had his own challenge with cancer a couple of decades ago and recognised the fact that I was struggling, perhaps more than I realised. Eddie got in touch and offered his support. We have discussed cancer many times since.
Yesterday, Eddie announced that he was facing a new battle himself. When I started this journey, back in 2011, I would have posted a blog saying "Thoughts and prayers with you Eddie, I don't know what else to say". Now I do. I have grown up. One of the most important lessons I learned in 2023 is that you have to say what you feel. I have this message for Eddie.
Dear Eddie,
I read your post on Facebook yesterday and I was absolutely devastates. When we have spoken recently about cancer, it has been from the perspective of people who had survived, moved on and wanted to help others facing the challenges and share our experience. We both also know that the monster may still be under the bed. When we last spoke, we discussed how for people in our position, cancer is more a mental health issue than a physical one. What we spoke of the anxiety of check ups and perceived symptoms. We spoke of the fear of the monster under the bed.
In 2023 when I was struggling, you stepped up and offered support and an opportunity to honestly air the struggles I faced as a 60 year old man facing a life changing procedure. I didn't know what the future held, what to tell my children or wife about my feelings and how to deal with the huge anger and resentment that I was feeling. As someone who's job it is to talk and make people feel comfortable, you did an amazing job helping me put the jigsaw of life back together in my head. Given that we are both scalliwags from London, who don't particularly like showing vulnerability, I never properly thanked you for this. Partly, this is because I guess you didn't want thanks, but partly because when we put the monster back inder the bed, we like to pretend it isn't there.
I read your statement yesterday as I was about to visit the gym. I spent 30 minutes on the cycling machine in turmoil. When we hear such news, it reminds anyone living with the monster under the bed that it is still there. I also realised that it would only be right and proper to say something. I have no idea whether you'll read this, but if you do there are some important things I want you to know. The first is that I love you mate, and if there is anything I can do, just let me know. It may seem a strange thing to say about a bloke I've only spoken to on the phone, but it is important to realise the effect your support had on me and how appreciated it is. The second is that we never realise how dark it is getting until someone turns the light on. I thought the sun was shining and I was doing alright mentally, until yourself and other friends put the light on. Even though your no 1 battle is the physical one, make sure that you do what you need to for your mental health.
The difficult fact is that with cancer, it is what it is. It is a thief. It steals what we love most. In my darkest moments, I was thinking very dark thoughts. Thoughts I am not proud of, but if I don't acknowledge them, I would be dishonest. I seriously thought that it might be better if I wasn't around at all. Maybe it would spare the people I loved the sight of me disintegrating in front of them. I thought about refusing treatment and having a few great months or years and then flying to Switzerland. When I finally decided to have surgery, my wife almost broke down in tears, she said she'd have supported me whatever I decided, but I had made the choice that gave her the best chance of lumbering herself with me for the foreseeable future. That was probably the moment the light really came on. From there, once I had a plan, the job was easier, just stick with it.
Your message says that you are now on chemo and are in the plan. I hope you are in the phase of sticking with it. It ain't easy. Far more so for you on chemo, than me with surgery. With that it was a massive discomfort for six weeks and then more or less back to normal. I don't know what the treatment plan is. What I do know is that it will be a bumpy journey. You have a fantastic wife and two amazing kids. You have a reason. Anyone with a reason is lucky. I am sure that chatting to people like me on your show in a few weeks or months, is the last thing you want to think of right now, but myself and hundreds of thousands of people in London are crossing our fingers and praying for the day you come back and start insulting us again!
In a perfect world, in three years time, we'll be rapping on your show, talking about how we both have put the monster back under the bed. In the meantime hang in there. Do what you need to do. God put you here to do great things. You have done, I genuinely believe that there is more to come. The best things in life ain't easy, but we persevere. We get through. It won't be pretty, it won't be fun, but just as the darkness of night, follows the sunniest day, so the Sun rises again.
Give me love to Lisa and the boys. In some ways, it's harder for them. You know what the coup is and what you have to do. My mum had cancer when I was eight and it was awful. She was told she had 3 years maximim in 1970. She died in 2008. What her amazing surgeon, Mr Phillip King learned through her treatment changed many things in how such cancers are treated. He'd wheel her out at seminars and explain to other surgeons how they could improve survival rates. He told her "Don't despair, you live in the best era to get cancer, we can cure things now that even ten years ago were terminal". The same is true today, only a thousand times over. Give them boys a big hug and make sure they know you love them. And make sure Lisa knows how much you appreciate her. I am sure she knows you love her, but appreciation is different.
I probably won't be this nice to you again, that's not how we swing, but right now I just wanted to let you know that all of us in the Tichborne household are on your side mate.
4 days to go to the launch of We don't live in America, the brand new album by The False Dots. Today, we preview one of our absolute Ska bangers, The Crows. This song is a real toe tapper! Lyrically, it is a collision of two ideas. I started a song about the rise of the high rise Barnet. When I was a kid, the only high rise building I knew was Green Shield house in Edgware. It seemed incredibly posh. Everyone loved Green Shield stamps! Now Barnet is awash with such buildings. What is sad is that whilst when I was a kid, we had open air swimming pools, good local shops, youth clubs, etc, now there is nowhere to go. I had been playing around with the the idea, but it didn't gel. Then I was having a discussion with my daughter. I jokingly said I could write a song about anything. She was looking at the TEMU page and saw a crow outfit. She said, if you can write a song about Crows, I'll come to your next gig in a crow outfit. So the song was adapted. She kept her word!
The Crows
I look out the window, the
skies are grey
Rats eat the rubbish and
the pigeons are at play
You don’t see the cops
walking round here
Just wino’s on the bench
drinking high strength beer
-Oh Yeah x 4
It aint a ghost town its
worse than that
The psycho next door
murdered my cat
Anyone with money, they
moved far away
You’d have to be insane if
you wanted to stay
Ch
If you like the smell of
weed, you’ll always catch a whiff
If you like a line of
coke, You can always score a sniff
If you like to watch the
wildlife, there’s plenty to see
But only the crows are
well and truly free
Oh Yeah x 4
Middle 8
It used to be oh so nice,
at the swimming pool with a cold choc ice
We had a woollies and a
nice little pub that did warm bitter and decent grub
-
They put up towers, now you
can’t see the stars
If you see any cops, they
zoom past in cars
They closed down the pool there’s
nowhere to go
The kids all smoke Crack and spend their time stoned
-
Ch
If you like the smell of
weed, you’ll always catch a whiff
If you like a line of
coke, You can always score a sniff
If you like to watch the
wildlife, there’s plenty to see
But only the crows are
well and truly free
Coda
Someone’s doing well, but
it they don’t live round here
We got forgotten there’s
nothing but tears
We live in a town where no
sane people go
And the only wild life you
see is pigeons, rats and a crows
5 days to go to the launch of We don't live in America, the brand new album by The False Dots. Today, we preview what is to me, perhaps the most personally important. We are a band. We are not just a bunch of blokes that play together, we are friends. I would see all of the members still, even if we stopped playing. We make music that we enjoy and we can have a laugh about. Of all of the current members, our drummer Graham 'Rambo' Ramsey is the one I've known longest. Graham has been involved in the band, on and off since 1985. Before we had partners and children we had holidays together and have always enjoyed a beer and shenanigans. In January 2021, Graham had a huge personal tragedy, when his son Daniel took his own life. We were in lockdown, Graham had covid, so couldn't leave the house. We couldn't meet to support him. Allen Ashley, our singer was unable to rehearse or perform with us when lockdown lifted, but we realised it was vital to get Graham out and playing ASAP. So we started playing as a three piece. I took over on vocals as a temporary measure. I'd not sung with the band since 1982, I'd stuck to guitar. But needs must. I realised that most of my songs were written for someone leses voice and style. So we needed new songs.
Luckily, I am pretty prolific, but part of my personal brief was to put a smile on Graham's face, as we did what we could to support him. I had a few numbers that I could just about manage, but I got busy. Luckily inspiration was not too hard to find. At rehearsals, we'd stop for a cuppa and Graham would chat about life. We encouraged him to talk. He opened up. He started telling us stories and anecdotes, and I realised we had a rich vein of unexploited inspirations. Songs like "Sunday in the 70's contained some of his anecodotes. As we started gigging, we realised that the new material worked really well. So we developed more of it. Our first post covid album "Don't be afraid of a finger in the Sun". Eight of the eleven songs were hastily cobbled together, a couple were from the early days, and one was a number we were working on with Allen before covid. Boz Boorer did a fine job producing the album. The only small issue was that by the time we released it, Tom Hammond had joined the band on Trumpet and our sound had moved on. Tom has played an increasingly important role in the development of the songs. One of the first songs he helped us develop was a song I wrote as a tribute to Graham. It is called "Rambo's Rampage" and is based on stories Graham told us about how he got into music and mod culture. Tom added some amazing trumpet to it. The first time we played it, it got an amazing reaction. It is worth noting that Tom was born the year Graham joined the band, so in many ways it has a lot of synchronicity to it. The song starts as a full on Rock track and then breaks down into a British Ska groove, with an amazing trumpet line over the top. To say I was happy with the number is an understatement. Boz Boorer did a great job on the production as well. I don't think any song demonstrates the different aspects of the current line up of the band as well as this one.
Rambo’s Rampage V1 He went up to the Gaumont
up at Tally Ho, The Who had made a movie,
he knew he had to go He bought himself some
popcorn, he bought a Jubberly And waited for the punchup
down on Brighton Beach
--- V2 But half way through she appeared
on the screen He got real excited he
nearly spilled his beans Suddenly he realised there’s
better things than cash Most of all on the screen
the lovely Leslie Ash
- Chorus Quadrophenia
blew Rambo Away HE’s never been
the same up to this day He got himself a
scooter, he got himself some blues He’s got a brand
new hero and it isn’t Rodney Bewes
-- V3 Rambo took his Scooter
down to Brighton Pier He’d just had a rebore he
had to stake some care He only could do 20 or it
would blow up Arrived after midnight he
wasn’t very chuffed
- Chorus
-V4 He walked along the
seafront looking for Lesley Ash But he bumped into a
dealer and parted with some cash He danced till the early
hours he didn’t have a care He lost his mind in
Brighton and maybe it’s still there
- Chorus
-Coda It wasn’t Rodney Bewes He bought himself some blues He had a brand new hero And it wasn’t Rodney Bewes
A good few years ago, I was having a beer in the pub with a mate of mine, an avowed atheist, who occasionally, when the mood takes him, decides to try and wind me up about religion. Personally I think the world would be a better place if we didn't try and force our views on other people, I try not to, but he is a wind up merchant and has always mistaken my reticence to discuss my desire to discuss such things in the pub as a sign of weakness, rather than respectful good manners ( when he reads this, I am sure the statement will wind him up no end, which is a very good thing as far as I am concerned).
Given that my personal creed is largely based on trying to be a decent human being, to do a bit of good if I can and to try a live and let live, I've never really sought to study the bible or any other religious text to justify my actions. I think it is all pretty simple. I get a lot of personal benefit from attending church, not least an hour when no one bothers me in the week. It is good to learn who is not well, who has passed away, etc. Last year, I reconnected with one of my best schoolmates from Primary School when I saw his Mums funeral announced in the parish newsletter. I get why people can't stand the whole thing, and respect that we all walk different roads.
Anyway, back to my mate. He said to me "You do realise that Jesus didn't rise from the dead and the world would have been a better place if all of his followers had just gone back to being fishermen, rather than going around peddling fairytales". I don't know if he expected me to get upset at this notion. Unlike many Christians, I realise that just because various accounts are written in various books, people do make stuff up. But that wasn't the thing that interested me in the proposition. Just suppose they had taken what probably would have been a very logical course of action if they'd followed my mates advice? What would have happened to the world? Well firstly, there would have still been the ten commandments and the Jewish religion. That had been around for a few thousand years and I doubt it would have disappeared.
It is part of the human condition to seek answers. These days we largely do it through scientific practices, but the practice of science in its current form is a relatively new development. It developed largely through the development of education and universities. Oxford University does not have a single founding date or a specific founder. Instead, it evolved organically starting in the late 11th century as scholars gathered in the city to study theology, philosophy, and the liberal arts, driven by the church's need for educated clergy. Oxford is the worlds third oldest university. Bologna is the second.. Again it was founded to teach canon law etc. The oldest is actually in Morocco, the University of al-Qarawiyyin, which is over 200 years older than both, but was a Madrassa, teaching Islamic studies. Oxford added chairs of science in the 1600's. It can be argued that this was the starting point of what we may consider the modern world. That is not to say science didn't exist. You only have to look at some of the ancient wonders of the world to see that very clever engineers had their heads around scientific principles, but centres of excellence are needed for science to flourish and this grew out of places that were originally studying theology.
None of us can hazard a guess how all of this would have developed if Christianity had simply never existed. The fact that there are a myriad of other religions and philosophys such as Budhism, Hinduism, Zoriastrianism, etc that do not really share a common ancestry with Christianity shows that people have always liked the idea of some sort of formal religion. I believe that the mass of people who have followed Christianity for the last 2000 years, especially until the modern concepts of athiesm developed, would have simply found something or someone else to believe in. As no one knows what the alternative future would look like, no one can really say it would be better or worse. My own personal view, is that it would probably be worse, but if we look at China, which is an ancient civilisation, with little Christian infulence, it functions and is an ordered society. I visited China in 1991 and chatting to some of the Chinese people we met, all of whom were authorised party members and heavily vetted, I was fascinated to find that forty years of a Communist government and a state sponsored atheistic state had made them far more superstitious than us silly Westerners.
I was keen to know if they were superstitious. Knowing many Chinese love gambling, I asked about this and sure enough, you can remove religion, but basic superstitions are far harder to deal with. In fact, I think in some ways Christians are far less superstitious ( I know many atheists will disagree on the basis that they see Christianity as a superstition), but I don't know anyone who's day will be ruined if their bus ticket has an unlucky number. In Japan, a country I've not visited but again one that has no Christian tradition, society is far more regimented and organised that in Britain. People kill themselves when they lose face and it is almost impossible to break out of the social strata you find yourself in. It has many good things, it is a very safe society, but I can't say that I fancy living there.
If I think of the countries that seem to have a culture where people enjoy themselves, I think of places such as Ireland and Brazil. All have strong Christian traditions. One of the benefits of Christianity is the concept of big festivals. As I'm the man who wrote a song called "We all love a party", I realised that my upbringing ingrained the concept of having a big party at the drop of a hat. Although Christmas is not a religious feast for most Brits, we still have the muscle memory. Now of course there is a good argument that the Church just nicked the festival from the Vikings and their celebration of the equinox. I don't think too many will argue that dumping the Viking traditions of raping and pillaging, but keeping the party is a good thing.
So to sum up. As it is impossible to argue that Christianity hasn't had a massive influence on the deelopment of society over 2,000 years and we have no idea what would have happened if it wasn't around, we can only speculate. I explored some of these ideas with my mate. He had to conclude that without Christianity it was more than possible that some alternative religion that was less benign may have taken hold and we'd all still be in the dark ages. He changed his position to be that Christianity should have been abolished (along with all of the worlds other religions), when educated people started to decide it was a load of old nonsense. I was surprised at this rather illeberal take on the subject. If people decide religion is not for them, that is fine. I went to a school that tried rather clumsily to brainwash me. The fact that I do not get upset when people say things such as my mate said in the pub indicates they've failed. But a situation where we had the controls on religion that China and the USSR had would be far worse, as far as I am concerned.
The thing I've found most strange of all about religion and faith is that those who try and ram it down your throat are generally those with the least real understanding of it. They often have a complete lack of natural empathy so don't realise how annoying they are to the rest of us. I had to throw one of the out of the studio reception not too long ago for bothering other customers and dishing out religious leaflets. When I asked him to leave, he got quite irate and told me I was stopping him saving people. In actual fact, I found him far more annoying than my mate who tries to wind me up.
Less than a week to go now! The False Dots release our brand new album "We don't live in America". The songs are a celebration of the things that separate us from our wonderful American cousins.One of the best things about London is our amazing selection of culinary variety. I was blessed with a Dad who had travelled and loved the various cuisines he'd encountered. When I was a wee nipper, the biggest treat was to go for "Chinese Nosh" in Burnt Oak. There was a wonderful restaurant up on the High Street, proper old school. In about 1969, the New China Garden opened on Station Road. A short sequence in an episode of Budgie, starring Adam Faith was filmed there. As I loved the food and I loved Budgie, this seemed like the ultimate endorsement. I remember watching the scenes being filmed.
The New China Garden went througha series of rebrandings. It was the Moon House, Wok Epress and Hee's takeaway. There may well have been others that I've forgotten. I was friendly with the family who ran it as the Moon House. I can't recall how many times I stopped off on the way home from work, after a few pints, for a takeaway. I'd have a spring roll (the old schoool one with beansprouts), Kung Po Prawns and special fried rice. I'd have a chat with the family and I was really sad when they left. About 5 years ago, I met the former owner, working as a waiter in another restaurant. He came over and we had a good chat. The food was proper old school. In truth I much prefer that to the more fancy version you get in more expensive establishments, although I must say Mill Hill's Good Earth is superb.
Even better though, and something that always makes me smile, was the banter I'd have with the other drunks who got off Thameslink at Mill Hill, and stopped off for some sustainance. There was a litte community who'd gather shortly before they shut. We'd have great banter. Jokes about crispy duck and greasy prawn balls! These days we get our takeaways from Tangs at Apex Corner. I suspect that per sqare foot, it is the busiest food outlet in Mill Hill, maybe the whole of London, they re incredibly busy and rightly so. The problem is that its a bit of a shlep when you get off the train, so I eat a lot less of it!
Whenever people start to go off on one about immigrants, I think of restaurants like the Moon House, the Mill Hill Tandoori, etc. I think how dull London would be without all of the various communities. I love Chinatown and the restaurants there, much as I also love Brick Lane and the Indian restaurants around London. My wife always used to berate me when I turned up with a Chinese, usually worse for wear after a night out. She'd point out that it was not exactly health food. For me, the Chinese takeaways on the corners of our High Streets are part of the absolute fabric of my London. Sadly, they are disappearing. I really wanted to write a love song to them. An American friend pointed out "you can get excellent chinese food in the USA". This is true, but it aint the same as London takeaways. I don't know if it is the air in the UK, the ingredients or the fact that they have tweaked it perfectly for us philistine Brits, but there is nothing better!
Chinese Nosh
I loved the China garden down
on Station road
With Spare ribs, spring
rolls and orange gunk that glowed
When I was skint I’d have
the Chinese chips
Served by the guvnors
daughter, with the luscious red lips
I asked a girl called
Penny if she fancied Crispy Duck
But she said I’m not a
cockney mate, your well out of luck
Tracy was quite partial to
some greasy prawn balls
But she said she be
unhappy if the portion was too small
Chorus
What I really want is some
Chinese nosh
But the Missus won’t let
me, she doesn’t think it’s posh
She makes me get Sushi or
a tiny Kinoir pot
Which is green and
horrible and tastes like snot
Middle eight
Don’t lie to me, you’re getting hungry, You can’t fool me, I know what you want
Six pints of lager and some silver containers, You’ll be inheaven quicker than you want
Verse 2
My honey says “Darling
lets get a take away”,
But her idea of food, is
horrible and grey
It tastes like cardboard
and it doesn’t make you full
But you know we have to
eat “whats good for you”
I love nice chow mein with
some hot curry sauce
Salt and pepper squid And
Kung Po pork
But the Doctor Gone and told
me I’ll have an heart attack
Cos I put on forty kilos
since I gave up smack
Chorus
What I really want is some
Chinese nosh
But the Missus won’t let
me, she doesn’t think it’s posh
She makes me get Sushi or
a Kinoir pot
Which is green and
horrible and tastes like snot
Coda
Healthy living is just a
big lie
Life just seems longer
till you die
What I really want is some
nice junk food
But the missus says no,
cos you know its killing you
In exactly one week from now (I am writing this on the stroke of mid day), The False Dots will be launching our brand new album "We don't live in America" live on stage at the Jester Festival in Fortune Green. When I initially started writing the album, I very much envisaged a different album. My original concept was an album with a real Northern Soul vibe. However, as it developed and I wrote songs, it became clear that this wasn't to be. Our trumpet player Tom Hammond was a big part of this change of direction, which is ironic, because I recruited him specifically for the purposes of giving us a more Northern soul feel. But when Tom heard some of the old, legacy material, he loved it. Much of it doesn't really suit my voice, which is why we don't do a lot of it.
One of the songs that Tom heard and really liked was "Please myself", which was written by our old singer Allen Ashley. Allen is a brilliant writer and poet. His lyrical style is mostly what I'd consider classic romantic, with a dollop of bitter lemon to give it a twist. But "Please myself" is a diatribe, a real two fingers up at the rise of social media and the billionaires who make fortunes by sucking us into the platforms then bombarding us with ads for rubbish we don't want. We played it and Tom loved it. The song had been the centrepiece of the set when Allen was in the band. It is a huge part of our musical legacy and it fits the theme and style of the album perfectly. We do a different arrangement and play it in a different key from when Allen was in the band, but it works perfectly and is a rich nod to the bands past.
Please myself
Four bar intro then
stop
All you trolls and haters,
with your messages and spam
You won’t say things to
our faces, coz your only half a man
All you commentators,
trying to set the news
Have you heard the latest,
no one’s listening to you
Chorus
We don’t need
your adulation, we are just our own creation
You won’t find
us in the mainstream we’ve been hived off to the slipstream
We’ve been
struck off all your playlists whilst running from the bailiffs
I may be hard of
hearing, but I’ve never heard you
cheering
But I did the
whole thing just to please myself
STOP - Please myself
All you spinning doctors,
with your data and your claims
Spinning words to fit your
meaning making language just a game
All you corporations
turning workers into clones
Writing algorithmic
profiles set to fill the sky with drones
CH
Smily Dick and Jesus Rabbit,
you’ve got one chance
you’d better grab it
Or you’ll never kick the
habit
of trashing things you couldn’t dream of
Breakdown riff
achieving
I’ve stopped watching
programs, I won’t vote by phone
Catch us in the margins
making shows up of our own
All you fashionistas on
your Sponsored chatty shows
Brashly lacking substance
just the emperors new clothes
