Hendon Tory Candidate Offord claims he can represent "Humans in Hendon better because he isn't one!"

The Barnet Eye has learned from usually reliable sources (down at the Bridge Pub in Mill Hill) that as part of his campiagn to secure human rights for dogs, Former Hendon Conservative MP Matthew Offord has got his Jack Russell terrier Max to take his place as Conservative Candidate for Hendon. It appears that Boris Johnson (Pictured with Max) was so impressed with Max's ability to woo the crowds that he has persuaded Matthew to step aside and let Max run as candidate.

Usually reliable sources have informed the Barnet Eye that Max was unsure at first, until he heard Mike Freer's explanation of how Non Jews can represent Jews in Parliament far better than Jewish people. After a long chat with Boris, Mike and Matthew, Max was won over.

His spokesperson said "After listening to Mike Freer's impeccable logic, Max realised that it was best for the people of Hendon if they were represented by a non human. As everyone knows, people trust dogs far more than politicians and they are recognised for the qualities of loyalty, faithfulness and doggedness". Max was also able to explain that he has massively improved Matthew's fitness, ensuring that rather than sit around drinking and eating cakes, he gets Matthew off his ever growing posterior and out for some walkies.

Max also explained that dogs exemplify "true Tory values". Unlike Socialists who are driven by the rather bizarre concept of "communal good", dogs will do anything for a nice treat. Max is on the liberal wing of the Conservative party, believing that if he wants to lick his testicles in public, why should anyone have the right to stop him.

Max explained that wheras Socialists believe in equality and fairness, dogs follow the Conservative mantra of following the pack leader and the biggest doggie gets the biggest dinner! Like his owner Matthew, Max is not a supporter of Same Sex Marriage, explaining "why should I want to get married when there are so many nice chair legs out there?"

The Barnet Eye approached Mike Freer for a quote about whether his logic applied to dogs representing humans in Parliament, but he seemed a tad unwilling to respond. A spokesperson who may be close to Mike replied "whilst at first Mike was sceptical about Max's abilities to represent the people of Hendon, on balance he felt that he'd be a more sensible candidate than Matthew".

The Barnet Eye was able to speak to Max in Mill Hill Broadway today and asked how the campaign has been going. Max replied "Rough".

The Barnet Eye has spoken to contacts within the Labour Campaign about the sudden change of Tory Candidate. An unofficial spokesperson for Andrew Dismore stated that it was worrying because unlike his owner, Max had charm and charisma and people like dogs.

UKIP were unable to confirm whether their latest candidate in Hendon has been replaced by this rather nice moggie, pictured with the UKIP national director of operations (left).

Captain Useless Special - Who saved all the pies

MP for Hendon (AKA Captain Useless, Souperman, Matthew Leviticus - the scourge of gay couples and Roverman the ex officio minister for Dogs human rights) has claimed yet another famous victory. His campaign to save the pasty has paid dividends. George Osborne has crumbled in the face of Matthews ferocious campaign. Having made a name for himself, early in career by allegedly thumping one of the Tory whips (no one told Matthew that whips are meant to do the whipping) and hurtling around the world as part of the Parliamentary Armed Forces program, taking part in military operations and vanquishing drug dealers everywhere (except for Hendon). Matthew came out, strongly against the pasty tax on his website.

http://www.matthewofford.co.uk/newsshow.aspx?id=4&ref=158

It is believed that the brains behind Matthews highly popular revolt was his chief policy adviser and pet Jack Russell dog, Maximus. Max has on many occasions expressed his strong support for makers of sausage rolls and pasties. He is especially partial to a steak slice. The Barnet Eye contacted Max for a comment, but he was clearly feeling Ruff. Rumour has it that Max and his protoge Matthew may have been overdoing the celebrating of his famous victory. We hope Matthew gets better soon !

Matthew Offord - The Incredible Invisible Shrinking MP

Matthew and friends

Matthew, where are you? Matthew, where are you?

It seems no one knows where Matthew is? In case you hadn't noticed, there is an election in May for the Mayor of London. Boris and Brian have taken a hammering in Barnet, due to Brian Colemans catastrophic parking charges blunders. In the circumstances, you would think that the local MP Matthew Offord would be out knocking on doors, trying to rally the troops.

I was not surprised to be told that there was a story on the Hendon Conservatives website about an MP out on the streets of Mill Hill, helping octogenerian Councillor John Hart delivering BackBoris leaflets. That's what Tory MP's are meant to do, isn't it? What is rather more surprising is that the MP in question is not the MP for Hendon. He's not even an MP in the London Borough of Barnet, in fact he's not even an MP in London. Nope, the MP helping dear old Johnny Hart is Dan Byles, MP for a Warwickshire constituency - http://www.hendonconservatives.org/news/delivering-envelopes-boris-johnsons-re-election-can-be-fun - one has to wonder if any sane politician who is familiar with Barnet would really want to go out on the streets canvassing for Brian Coleman right now.

Mind you given the complete disappearance of Matthew Offord from the streets of Hendon, I bet more people would recognise Mr Byle than Matthew. I bumped into a local Tory activist delivering leaflets and asked where Matthew was. His response "I dunno, probably walking his dog". I asked how the campaign was going, to which he rolled his eyes "If it wasn't for the fact that I hate Livingstones guts, I'd have jacked it in". Sadly I think that reflects the views of a significant number of Barnet Tories. More than a couple have told me privately that they will be abstaining in the GLA vote. It will be fascinating to see how many people in Barnet tick the box for Boris and don't for Brian. 

Labour MP's dog bites Hendon MP Matthew Offord

The alarm clock went off at 6.40am and the radio came on to BBC 94.9. Guess who was being interviewed? None other than our very own MP Matthew Offord. He was discussing how his pup Max had come third in the MP's dog of the year show. Matthew tells us that they talk often, but it's a pretty one way conversation (He didn't say which way). He then revealed that Labour MP John Cruddas dog had bitten him during the show. Fortunately the commando training Matthew has been undertaking recently has paid off and he wasn't too upset. It seems John Cruddas dog was rather keen to get hold of a bit of liver Matthew had in his pocket for Max (Note to pickpockets : Give Matthew a wide berth). Matthew was trying to promote chipping of dogs, which is something I agree totally with him about.

I have noticed a change in Matthew of late. As an MP he made a bit of a shaky start, but since he's let Max run his pr, he certainly seems to be doing much better. All I can suggest is that he gets Max to sire a few pups and maybe he could let Brian Coleman have one. From what I've just heard, he's going to need some good publicity very soon - watch this space.