Sometimes, you lose sight of the important things

 Last Friday, I wrote a very down and negative blog. I feel that it is necessary to be honest in my journey, especially my travails with Prostate Cancer. Everyone I've spoken to has dark moments on the journey. I think last Friday was as bad as I've felt in my life. I actually felt physically numb, I have never felt such desolation. For a time, it really did feel too much. It isn't just the cancer, the past three years have been a nightmare for our business. I feel that the stress has contributed to the recent flare up. In 2019, everything was going wonderfully. I have never felt like giving up on music and the studios, ever, but I did on Friday. We were having a family celebration on Friday evening, to celebrate my son getting his the result of his degree finals. We had booked a meal at the rather wonderful jmoriental.co.uk Chinese at Beaufort Park. I'd agreed to drive. If I could have gotten out of going, I would have. I just wanted to lie in my bedroom, with the blinds shut. But out of respect for my son, I dragged myself down there. We had a pleasant evening and not drinking (well one small bottle of beer) was a good thing. 

On Saturday, the Sun rose and I felt different. The numbness and despair had disippated. I had a strong urge to work. I had been working on a new video for The False Dots and I finished it (I think it's come out rather well). We met friends for a pleasant meal and a few drinks in the evening, at The Orange Tree, which coincidentally appears in the video.

On Sunday morning, as I always do, I went to mass at 11.30. I am a very bad Catholic. I go to mass every week, I try and listen to the readings and the homily, but often I spend an hour in a world of my own. Mass is one link with my past, my parents, my youth. The church has changed, but I think how I deal with Mass hasn't. As a kid, I was an Alter Server. I was useless. I'd zone out in a world of my own and forget to ring bells and bring water over etc. But the reflective, medatative time does help. In truth, I wish that they still did sung Latin masses. I'd feel less guilty about not listening and it would be easier to quietly meditate. I came out, bought a custard tart for me and chocolate brownie for my son, for what I used to buy a curry and six pints for.  That made me laugh. Then we went off to Blur. It was wonderful. A day with friends watching amazing music. 

On Monday, it was back to work. Back to reality.  My band are playing at The Dublinb Castle on the 15th September, so it was the scheduled day to start getting people along. We work on an week cycle. We dropped the new video and sent invites etc.  All good. The initial response to the video has been wonderful. Monday was one of my non drinking days. All was fine, some nice customers and a few good chats. In the evening, I prepared a vegetarian barbeque in the garden and my daughter cooked Pizza's. It was lovely. 

You might find all of this rather dull, but there is something very important in all of this. I feel OK. I'm not just saying this, I do. I feel positive and the sun has come up again. I could have written this blog on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, but I wanted to make sure all was OK. Over the last five days, I've done a lot of thinking. I realised something that I should never take for granted. The good Lord has blessed me with the greatest gift of all. I am lucky. I am lucky with my family. I am lucky with my wife. I am lucky with my choices. I've made amny rash decisions, but almost always they've turned out well. I am also lucky with my enemies. I have a few. If you are going to have enemies, have ones that are not only stupid, but believe themsleves to be genius level intellects, with a stack of cunning plans (none of which ever work). 

I'd have achieved nothing without extraordinary good luck. All of the important things in my life are good. You may ask how someone may consider themselves lucky, if they have cancer and need to have treatment that may severely impact their quality of life? Well sometimes, we need a wake up call. If I died tomorrow, I'd have had a wonderful life. I don't want to, but that is the truth. Things will change, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself. I just have to adapt. In my life, all of the important things are good. We all have challenges, my response to them is what my response always is. I work harder. There will be bumps on the road, I know that, but there are things to do

If you haven't seen it yet, please check out The False Dots new video. I'm rather proud of it.

We need proper action to stem the tide of young people taking their own lives

 

What is the worst thing that could happen to you? Two of my very best friends have suffered what I suspect is the worst thing. They have both suffered the loss of a child to suicide. My friends Chris and Elaine lost their lovely daughter Ellie just before lockdown. It was a devastating blow. What troubled me more than anything was that lockdown hit and I simply couldn't be the friend I felt I should be during their darkest period. They live in Yorkshire and unlike Dominic Cummings, I did not feel that a trip up the M1 to 'test my eyesight' was responsible.  I wrote about it on 12th March 2020. Before the dust settled on the blog, we were in lockdown. We had a few phonecalls, but to be honest, I felt this was difficult and awkward, as I had no insight, nothing to say, nothing to add. If we'd been able to see them, have a beer and a chat, maybe I could have at least got to properly empathise, but I felt useless. 

I felt pretty damn awful about the whole thing. I made a personal vow to myself that if ever I was in the situation of having to support a friend again, I'd try and do better. I hoped and prayed that the Good Lord would spare me that burden. Sadly, last January (2021), another tragedy struck. The drummer of my band, on and off since 1985, saw the tragedy of his son taking his own life. For Graham, in some ways it was even worse. He was testing positive for Covid, so couldn't even leave the house to do anything. He was aware that his son was troubled, we'd had long chats about it, but suicide did not seem to be something that was discussed. I don't really think anyone knew the depths to which his son had sunk. What was clear for a long time before was that he needed support and this wasn't there. 

I wrote a blog on the subject at the time. It is a rather painful blog to read. I felt useless again, but I vowed to do something, anything to support Graham. The only thing I really thought I could do was to get him active in the studio again. I wrote some new songs and we started to work on a new album. I shaved my head to show solidarity with Graham and made a short video explaining why. 

It was all I could do. I was very worried about Graham. He's had his own mental health issues. He's been sectioned three times in his life. He is constantly on medication for it. I had no idea if he could cope. I was terrified that something would happen to him. I have always believed that music heals the soul. I'm not sure if this is true, but Graham tells me that playing in the band in the dark days helped get him through. 

I don't think anyone could get through such an event unscathed. Graham has had his ups and downs. Although he doesn't give himself the credit he deserves, apart from being an excellent drummer, he's a very intelligent, insiteful and sensitive soul. I've often felt that the reason Graham and many others have mental health issues is because they actually see the world for what it really is. It can be scary, I think people like me spend their life wrapped up in a fantasy in their own little world, pretending that tbad things aren't really happening. I think perhaps Graham lives a little too much in the real world. 

Anyway, please can I ask for your help. Graham has started a petition to get a massive increase in NHS resources for mental health and suicide prevention. PLEASE CLICK HERE AND SIGN IT. 

Why did Graham start it? Here are his own words.

Because of the shocking catastrophic loss of life due to whatever the wide spectrum of ailments are and that is a really large and complex spectrum ,The n.h.s is in a position to make a difference but it's not deemed a priority, only when it lands in a very common crisis situation and even then people are being failed and are dying unnessescarily having lost a son to suicide because the hospitals wouldn't admit him on the grounds that he didn't present debilitating symptoms of mental illness this is a classic mistake for the n.h.s not following up on cases were people including my son were showed off premises 10 to 20 times he even got 3 months jail for unlawfully holding 2 mental health nurses in a siege he thought it was nothing until a warrant was out for him the T.S.G turned up tasered him after he told em he had a gun then straight to court and 3 months ,not one of these authoritarians could have stopped and said why did this man do all this there is a lot more but I'll be late for work .this is an example of the shocking state of our n.h.s yes OUR it's our money that runs it don't belong to them whoever they are so dig in and speak and step up .what a great organisation CHANGE .ORG IS GOOD DAY

This is a real plea from the heart. It is seared with the pain of having experienced the worst that life can throw at you. Please share this with your friends. Don't think this couldn't happen to you or your loved ones. We are civilised Nation and I passionately believe that the health and happiness of our young people is the most important job of stewardship we have in life. We are failing them. We need to change the way we approach this whole issue.

Most people with Mental Health issues do not attempt to commit suicide, but they still need help. Some government ministers do not even accept that Mental Health issues are an illness. Sadly, many people find out the hard way that they are, and for some are as deadly as cancer or a heart attack.

I'll leave you with a short clip of Graham playing the drums on a new song we we started working on last week. For myself and Graham, music is a ray of sunlight in a punishing world (you can get a sneak preview of the full album we've been working on here soundcloud.com/falsedots/sets/the-false-dots-a-finger-in-the ) - I have untold admiration for the work Graham has put into this music over the last 18 months. I think it shows that you cannot dim human spirit completely. Sadly Graham tells me that mental health services that got him through his first breakdown simply don't exist anymore. Which may or may not be why he's here to make this amazing music and his son won't be. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mill Hill Music Complex (@millhillmusic)

If you are having issues with mental health you may want to contact your local branch of  Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/about-us/local-minds/

If you are feeling suicidal, please contact Samaritans

https://www.samaritans.org/

One lesson I've learned from the events of the last few years is that I really don't think Young people are aware of how loved they are or that there will be brighter times ahead, if you hang in there.

The nightmare that is living with tinnitus

Pic courtesy of theconversation.com

 I don't think I've spoken about TINNITUS before, but realised I should after a brief chat with a friend who also suffers this morning. I've not seen him since before lockdown. Like me, he is a musician and like me he suffers from tinnitus. Last time I spoke, he was at his wits end. He confessed that he was verging on feeling suicidal as he couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate and couldn't think. 

When he told me this I was horrified. I had another friend who had a nervous breakdown due to tinnitus. They only got any help when they told their GP that it was making them feel suicidal. The more I've talked with friends about the subject, the more common I've realised how common these feelings are. 

One thing that is good is that when friends have told their GP, they have been fast tracked and got some specialist help. For most people, there is not a cure, although often it is a symptom of other medical conditions that need treatment, such as high blood pressure. If you have tinnitus, I'd advise a check up.

So what is it like? For me I have a high pitched cyclical whining, that is especially pronounced in my left ear (I had an operation on that ear in 1988, which started it all). I also have some residual tinnitus in my right ear. Using equipment we have at the studio, I'd estimate that it adds about 70 decibels of noise. It is pretty constant, although I mostly notice it at night or on dog walks in the countryside. I live by the M1 motorway and I actually find the background noise helps me sleep and relax. 

During lockdown, when there was almost no traffic, I found it almost impossible to relax. I also find that when I'm on holiday in quiet places it can be really irritating. However, there is one thing that does mitigate it. That is drinking alcohol. For health reasons, I don't drink 3-4 days a week. If I have a moderate amount , say 2-4 pints/glasses of wine, I sleep far better. This presents a dilemma. If I am tired, then generally I can nod off, so after football etc, I generally sleep well. If I'm not tired and haven't had a drink, it can be very hard. 

There are things that can be done to help. The NHS website says 

Do

• try to relax – deep breathing or yoga may help

• try to find ways to improve your sleep, such as sticking to a bedtime routine or cutting down on caffeine

• try to avoid things that can make tinnitus worse, such as stress or loud background noises

• try self-help books or self-help techniques to help you cope better from the British Tinnitus Association (BTA)

• join a support group – talking to other people with tinnitus may help you cope

Don’t

• do not have total silence – listening to soft music or sounds (called sound therapy) may distract you from the tinnitus

• do not focus on it, as this can make it worse – hobbies and activities may take your mind off it

I have to confess, I don't think the NHS advice is entirely helpful in that it dismisses something that can make people feel suicidal and doesn't properly signpost this risk. There is better advise on the British Tinnitus Association website. 

If tinnitus is a problem for you, I'd suggest that it is worth keeping a tinnitus diary and noting what works and what doesn't. Some of the advice, such as playing soft music is all very well, but if you have a partner you share a room with, this is not always practical, unless you can sleep with headphones in (I can't, they irritate me and I'm not overly keen on soft, ambient music) . There are apps that help some people.

For me, the most effective strategies involve distraction. I find that if I read before bed and get engrossed, I'll often get tired and nod off. I also memories songs and play them in my head. There are times when none of this works. I discussed this with my former GP Dr Carswell in the early 1990's. His advice was to have get up and have a tot of scotch whisky. If it is really bad, this works, but I very rarely do this. 

Another thing I have is a series of visualisation exercises that I use. I find that visualising sounds is particularly effective. I combine these with relaxation and breathing exercises. I found that some relaxation exercises are counter productive, especially ones where you lie silently and 'empty your mind', that is a part of many Yoga classes. To me, I find it sounds like I am at Niagra Falls and it ruins the mood. A friend suggested I visited  Niagra Falls and used this as visualisation, which I did, but found it just made me aware of the Tinnitus. 

There are devices that produce white noise that is also meant to help, although I personally find it slightly irritating. The worst times are when I wake up at 4am, with a really loud ringing in my ears and my mind racing. This is the time when it is worst. When you don't want to get up, you can't sleep and you are tired but not tired enough. Often, my thoughts are so chaotic that I can't concentrate enough to get myself into a place where I can deal with it. I discussed this once with a former Yoga teacher. He asked why I was always so 'fidgety in the relaxation'. I explained. The next time, he brought some low ambient music for the relaxation and that helped. He also gave me a couple of exercises and suggested that I try them at home when it was bugging me. The most effective is one where you regulate your breathing, then shift your consciousness to other parts of your body, starting with your toes. You slowly move your toes, and then feel how your toes are feeling. You then move to the soles of your feet, gradually moving up the body, spending around 30 seconds in each part. This will work around 50% of the time. 

To sum up, if you suffer from tinnitus regularly and have not sought medical advice, I'd strongly advise that you do. If you have and it hasn't resolved anything, start trying to devise strategies that help. Don't expect them to work all of the time, but even if they improve things 25% of the time that is better, and I guarantee that if you keep refining what you do, it will improve over time. If it is causing you to feel depressed or suicidal, then tell your GP and you will be fast tracked to see specialists. Many people think "It's too trivial to raise" but if it is affecting your mental health, then it is very serious indeed. If you are using alcohol to cope, then this may cause harm so also mention this to your GP. Psychoactive drugs can also make the symptoms of tinnitus worse, as you sometimes draw some rather strange conclusions about what the noises is or is doing. Some people find that tinnitus is affected by electro magnetic fields, so it may be worth turning off all the plugs and leaving the mobile phone elsewhere in the house. 

I'd like to see the NHS take the subject far more seriously, although I realise that for them, it is not a priority. I'd be interested to hear of other people's experiences and strategies. 

Teenagers on the edge of a mental health precipice?

Anxiety. It is a terrible thing. I have been giving a lot of thought to how the fallout of lockdown will affect the children who are at school and going through all of this. Months out of school, friendship circles disrupted. Exams cancelled. End of year parties binned. Some will have seen financial hardship at home. Some will have lost family members and friends. Being isolated from friends as a teenager is a strange and unusual punishment. 

What is even worse though, is that the British have a strong aversion to admitting it is an issue, they don't talk about their problems and their friends don't want to hear them.  When people do seemingly irrational things, there is always an underlying reason. I'm not sure what the fallout will be from all of this. I think that we will see a surge of covid related PTSD cases as we go back to school. I wonder what would have happened if covid and lockdown had happened when I was 13 and at my lowest. If I'd had a year out of school, stuck at home? I think I'd have been terrified to go back. I still have nightmares that I'm back at school, having to resit exams or not knowing where my maths lessons are. God only knows what todays teenagers have nightmares about. 

The NHS is at it's most stretched. There are huge backlogs. Many of the staff are suffering burnout. The world in 2021 is not the world all of us grown ups were prepared for. Even the most mundane of things, such as 'seeing a doctor' has a new meaning. Will we ever routinely 'see a doctor' again? Yesterday I saw a bunch of friends that I'd not seen since November 2019, when we had a reunion get together. Some looked exactly the same. Some looked 20 years older. Some didn't come because they were too scared. These are people with life experience, for young people unprepared for normal life, let alone this sort of life, what on earth must it be like. It is a joyless drudge, that none of us can see an end to. When I was a teenager, time seemed to take forever to pass. The time I was at Finchley Catholic and Orange Hill Schools seemed like an eternity. Can you imagine how long it must seem like cooped up in your bedroom with little (non electronic) stimulation.

The Prime Minister will talk about 'learning to live with covid'. I worry that teenagers will need to learn how to live, full stop. Of course, some will thrive, but those who are of a nervous disposition, or who have had family trauma or financial crisis? We have a new health secretary who is more interested in the economy than the nations health. I believe we are sailing towards a mental health precipice. I do not see any evidence that HM govt has given this a moments thought. One reason the UK took such a hit from Covid is because we were unprepared and we are going into the post covid era in exactly the same way. We need a national strategy to address this crisis. There is no evidence that this is even recognised, let alone being developed. 

Why I believe that the mental health crisis we are facing will be even more destructive than Covid19

Pic courtesy
  www.toledolibrary.org/blog/mental-health-awareness

Why does Great Britain have the worst covid death rate of any major country on the planet? The answer is simple. We were completely unprepared for it. It would be simple to blame Boris Johnson, but the truth is that he'd been Prime Minister for a couple of months when the crisis hit. The planning for such an outbreak had been neglected for decades. Countries such as South Korea, that had a SARS/MERS outbreak a decade or so ago managed matters far better and had a miniscule death rate compared to ours. It took us the best part of six months and probably trillions of pounds to get to a point where we now manage the crisis. Most of us have been cut off and isolated from friends and family for the best part of a year. Whilst we seem to be getting to grips with Covid, it is widely accepted that what will most likely be a far greater long term problem is just starting to rear its ugly head.

I am talking about the nations mental health. Being cut off from friends, family and support networks, whilst a deadly disease has taken people we love, whilst we are bombarded every day with appalling news regarding deaths and disease is not conducive to a great sense of wellbeing. I don't know anyone who hasn't had a heightened feeling anxiety at some point during the last year. Recently I've been getting in contact with friends I've not seen for a while, with a view to meeting when allowed. One friend, someone who I've always thought of as a  robust individual told me that they would not be coming out to play for a very long time. Another told me they'd not been on a Tube train for over a year and wasn't looking forward to it. This is just the tip of the iceberg though. We try and put on a brave face, hoping that there will be a magical day when things 'normal' again. What concerns me is that for many, what was considered feeling normal may not return just because the pubs are open and that we can visit our Grannies and kids.

The former bassplayer in my band, who passed away a decade ago, found himself in trouble with the law and ended up serving a year in prison. When he was released, we went for a beer and when I asked him how everything was, he told me that he was feeling anxiety about sleeping with the door unlocked. He'd got used to the routine of prison life and he told me that it was difficult to readjust to freedom. Having spent a year the dreaming of being able to roam freely, be with his girlfriend and do as he pleased had given way to a fear of going out when faced with the chance to actually do it.

The furlough scheme has insulated many from the worst of the financial hardships, but many businesses are facing difficult choices right now. No one knows what the trading situation will be like. Many business owners will have re-evaluated the way they do business. It seems likely that many will find themselves in a position where the jobs they are furloughed from do not come back. I imagine that for many, having to find new opportunities, having been sat at home for a year may prove to be a stressful endeavour. 

For young people, the last year at nurseries, schools and colleges must have been a truly awful experience. The exam fiasco last summer has cast a shadow over them. Many who worked hard for GCSE's and A Levels only to have their plans thrown into chaos, with random grades imposed. I cannot imagine how that would undermine one's self confidence. Then there are those who finished degrees last year, just as the whole jobs market shut down. Most have put their lives on hold.

In the last year, I am aware of five young people who found it all too much and took their own lives. Two are children of friends of mine. I am only too aware of their pain and grief. Many young people, stuck at home with no positive stimulation have delved deep into dark websites, chat groups and other harmful and corrosive aspects of the web. Coupled with the intense isloation and claustrophobia of our current situation, many will be feeling vulnerable. Schools are now open, but we are still living under a dark cloud and with the constant testing, things are by no mans normal.

I started this blog by stating the reason that the UK was hit so hard by covid was because we were not prepared. I believe that the mental health fallout of the crisis will dwarf the scale of the damage we've seen and for many will live with them for the rest of their lives. The Government, local authorities, the NHS and healthcare providers need to start developing robust plans for supporting those suffering from mental health issues. Before the crisis, these were inadequate. With what is coming, they could make the stress on the NHS caused by Covid seem a cakewalk. Covid patients in a critical condition are by and large static and easy to monitor. The medical requirements are fairly well defined. Treatment for mental health issues is a very different matter. Whereas covid can be diagnosed with a simple test, mental health conditions are hard to diagnose, hard to treat and the people who are suffering often do not turn up for sessions, don't take proscribed medication and are resistant to therapies. I am not a medical professional. I have however spoken to several and the message is the same. We are chronically unprepared for what is coming.

In the Borough of Barnet, the Council and healthcare providers are aware of the issue and there has been talk of how this should be addressed. Ultimately what we need to do is have a cross community response. It is to big for just the council, the NHS and other care providers. Each one of us may be affected. We may need the support of friends, we may need  support ourselves. Churches, Mosques, Synagogues, schools, AA Groups,  playgroups, football teams, scouts, guides groups all have a role to play. Our communities need to come together to face this. When we can see people without fear, when we can drop in for a coffee, drop off some shopping or even just have a chat in the street, we can all do our little bit. If a friend or family member is feeling down, do not simply say "that's sad". Keep an eye on them, ask them if they need anything. If they don't want to chat, arrange to call back later or the next day. Speak to other members of your support networks. If you say "How are you?" Most people would say "I'm fine". If you say "This has been a difficult time, what aspect have you found most difficult?" you may get a very different answer. 

I would like to see the Council taking the lead by facilitating small scale, local support to be made available for friends and family of people who are struggling. Often very small amounts of resources deployed at an early stage will be far more effective than huge amounts once there is a serious problem. Support needs to be accessible and well signposted. It can often be more cost effective to assist through family and friends than directly and it is always more effective for these efforts to be coordinated. 

At this stage, we all need to be aware that friends and family may well be struggling or could start to struggle as things open up, just when you'd expect them to be starting to feel better about things. Human beings are designed to feel stress when we are faced with change, coming out of lockdown is as much of a change after all this time as going into it. Stress is our response to such change, both good and bad, this is how our body prepares us to deal with issues that challenge our survival. Anyone who is about to go on a first date will know that even things we are really looking for can be stressful. In our complex, internet led society, we are dealing with a new type of stress and one for which we are not well adapted. It's OK to feel anxiety and it's OK to feel stress. Don't be ashamed to admit it, don't be ashamed to seek support and if someone asks you, and you don't feel able to help, don't feel ashamed to seek advice on what to do if you are worried. But the first thing we need to do, is to make sure we are prepared, so we have a proper response, unlike the chaotic early stage of covid, where we couldn't even decide whether we wanted 'herd immunity' or lockdown.

Suicide - Where can you get support when you need it most

A just under a year ago, we were heading up the M1 to Yorkshire for the funeral of one of my best friends 19 year old daughter. She had sadly taken her own life. It was a devastating event, one which life had not prepared me for. The pain, heartache and sense of hopelessness felt by everyone was beyond anything I could imagine. I didn't know what to say to my friends when we saw them. I felt a mixture of pain, guilt, sorrow and embarrassment at my total inadequacy faced with the situation. I had to be there, yet felt I could do absolutely nothing to help them. I even didn't know what to say to my own children who had grown up with her.  I had hoped that it would be a unique life event. Tragically, I was wrong. Since that sad day, my daughter has lost three of her group of friends to suicide. Last week, the drummer in my band, one of my best friends for the last 40 years, buried his own son. His son left behind a son of his own, who will now grow up without a father. In a pandemic, we can't even offer the support we want, go to the pub, have the beers, give someone a hug. I feel helpless, impotent and useless in the face of these challenges. 

But this is too important to simply sit back and do nothing. I've struggled to face up to how I could show support, what I could do. How I could show that I care. So I did the only two things I could think of . First of all I wrote this blog and recorded this video. Please watch this before reading on.

I wanted to make sure that I got the message out to as many people as I can, that if you need support and are contemplating taking your own life or know someone who you think might be, the Samaritans are there and can offer practical support. If you don't know what to do, how to approach someone, what to say, call them don't worry. This is why they exist. The British have an aversion to "wasting people's time", but when an organisation exists solely to help people who have such issues, no call is ever a waste of time. 

The second thing I could do was a gesture of solidarity. I thought long and hard about this. On Saturday morning I took the plunge and shaved my head. There are three reasons I did this particular act. The first is that you can't fail to notice it. It is a talking point. The second is that Graham, our drummer has a similar lack of hair and I felt it was a good way of showing solidarity with him. The third is that it is clearly a mistake (I look like a cross between Fester and Shaun Ryder) and it has caused much myrth amongst all who have seen it. I did not share my reasons for shaving my head until now. I thought that by inviting a bit of sniggering and then explaining, it might make people stop, pause for thought and think. People do many things we don't understand. Sometimes we judge them, laugh at them, tease them, without the slightest idea of why they have done something we might think stupid, laughable, idiotic. Sometimes though, they have a reason we were unaware of, something unfathomable. I was hoping that my loss of hair and my explanation may well spur a realisation that there sometimes is more going on. My hair will grow back, unlike suicide it is something that will be forgotten in a matter of weeks, leaving no trace. For families coping with suicide, birthdays, Xmas, all manner of other previosly joyous events come back as reminders.

The bottom line with this is that the five people I mentioned are five too many. Suicide has taken more people that our family know than covid in the last year. One thing Graham, our drummer told me, which I wanted to pass on. If you think that someone is about to harm themselves imminently, call 999. 

I will just reiterate one more time that if you need help it is there contact The Samaritans.

https://www.samaritans.org/

Eleanor Lomax RIP - Why we need to wake up to the issue of teenage suicide

Sharp eyed readers will notice that I did not write a blog yesterday. The reason for this is that I was at the funeral of the youngest daughter of two of my best friends, Chris and Elaine Lomax. Their daughter Eleanor took her own life a couple of weeks ago, aged 19, following a battle with mental health issues. The last thing we saw from Eleanor was the sharing of a very disturbing Facebook post, which indicated a total lack of hope for the future. Sadly no one realised that this would be her farewell. She had not seemed distressed when she returned home from visiting friends, and had plans for the week to see friends.

We had last seen Chris and Elaine at New Year, they live in Yorkshire, so we'd had a few days outr with them and other friends to see in the new year. Eleanor couldn't join us as she was in a clinic undergoing treatment for mental health related issues. Chris and Elaine were really worried, as any parent would be. Sadly, there is such an epidemic of mental health related issues amongst teenagers, that I was not shocked or surprised at the news.  I've known Chris for well over 35 years, before Chris and Elaine had children, we'd travelled widely with them, going around Europe in my old camper van and across the North East of the USA. We'd watched their four children grow up, all lovely kids. Eleanor, the youngest was a quirky, beautiful girl who was always fun, She was the same age as my son, so our kids spent many a day playing together when they were younger. As  she got older, Eleanor and her Chris joined me with our HCPT group, taking disabled people to France. She was a very caring girl and great member of the group. When Chris's parents started to require more help, sadly they could no longer join us. I've not seen so much of Eleanor since.

Our families have a tradition of spending new year together, so that was where we'd catch up. Chris is a great guy. A natural comedian, who worked in both IT and nursing. Yesterday, when he gave a truly amazing eulogy, along with his eldest son Jason, who showed immense strength in speaking, this shone through. Chris managed somehow to sum up Eleanor in a way that was funny, accurate and heartbreaking. I can think of no one else who would have managed such a feat, in such circumstances. As a parent, this is perhaps the worst nightmare of all. We all want to see our children happy, healthy and thriving. For your daughter to commit suicide is the worst possible thing anyone could face. I am sure any parent would swap any amount of pain to change such an outcome, but sadly in the real world, that is not an option. As Eleanors small coffin entered the church, the true horror of what Chris and Elaine must be feeling hit me. The church in Penistone was packed to the rafters with friends, family and local well wishers. The vicar's daughter had been a school friend of Eleanor. One  of the jobs  for vicars is to preside over funerals and counsel those who are grieving, yet he acknowledged that even he could make no sense of the situation.

His address was one of the finest I've heard. His message, to a church  packed with teenagers was to be kind and support one another. He stated that social media was not the real world, but the pain it can cause is real. He emphasised that we are a community.

There is an old cliche that there was not a dry eye in the house. This was certainly true, in a way I've rarely seen.

I rarely ask for readers to support anything. However, if you have a few spare pounds, one of Eleanors friends set up a page to raise money for Mental Health UK. Whilst most readers will not know Eleanor or her family, sadly I think we all know people who have issues with Mental Health.

Please give a donation.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/eleanor-lomaxx

The page was set up by Tyler Beever one of Eleanor's friends. Like many of her peers, he is struggling to come to terms with what has happened. This is what he said

Unfortunately at the beginning of this week, we lost one of our best friends, Eleanor Lomax, who sadly took her own life. Ellie was only 19 years old. The circumstances of her passing are truly heartbreaking for everyone. Ellie has had ongoing mental health matters for a long period of time that she fought for years in which both family and friends have fought alongside Ellie to fight off the demons inside her head. The demons regrettably overcame our girl and the angels came to give her her wings to take her to the stars to have eternal happiness.
The most recent survey of the mental health of children and young people in England found that 12.5% of 5 to 19-year-olds had at least one mental disorder when assessed (2017), and 5% met the criteria for 2 or more mental disorders.This means that right now there are at least 10 million children and adults having issues with their mental health and well-being.In 2017 there were approximately 5,821 registered deaths by suicide in the United Kingdom, equating to an average of 16 suicides per day in the country.Mental Health UK:“1 in 4 people in the UK is affected by mental health problems every year. We bring together over 40 years of expertise from four national mental health charities to provide advice, information and support.”Our ask of you:
All we ask is for any donation possible (or even a share of this page) towards such an incredible and devoted organisation that helps people all across the UK. Organisations like this benefit from the funding they receive from donations that lead to help people who may be more vulnerable than ourselves.
Organisations like this also helped our Ellie during her fight and it would mean so much to us to return the favour for all of there hard work and commitment when helping our friend.
Furthermore, we are making charms and bracelets to sell with 100% of the proceeds going towards the four charities that are made up in Mental Health UK. 

But sadly there is more to the story, there are a few things that need to be said. Eleanor was lucky to have extremely supportive parents and a loving home. Sadly, the story reveals some major flaws in the way the UK deals with teenage mental health problems. I had a long chat with Chris last week. He told me a couple of things which shocked me. The first is that one of the biggest problems was that when Eleanor turned 18, she was no longer dealt with as a child and her whole mental health support team changed. There was no sensible transition from Childrens to Adult care. When you have built up a support network and this suddenly stops, this causes a massive problem. We have seen this amongst other friends in London, so it is a national problem. My view is that there should be a gentle transition for teenagers under the care of mental health services. I would suggest that rather than a sudden cut off at age 18, it is transitioned over a period of perhaps three year, with a proper plan in place. I know that the current system caused Eleanor, Chris and Elaine all manner of problems. The whole concept that fragile people can be dropped by their care workers on an almost arbitary date is horrific. Chris told me that the care and support the family has been receiving since Eleanor passed away is far better than the support Eleanor received once she became an adult. Clearly they need a massive amount of support to get through the family crisis, Chris described this like a bomb being detonated in the family home, but if the support had been in place for Eleanor, maybe this wouldn't be needed at all.

Our young people are precious. They are delicate. As a society they are our future. The sad thing is that in the case of Eleanor, she seemed to be the only person who couldn't see what a fantastic person she was and what a bright future she had.

As a friend who cares dearly for the family, I have to question if there is anything I might have done that might have made any difference. I have had several sleepless nights asking myself this. I came to the realisation that it is the wrong question. The right question is "How can I stop anyone else having to go through what Chris, Elaine and the family are going through?".  What can any of us do? Well, the first thing we can do is to make support for young people with Mental Health issues a priority for the NHS and local councils. Like all of Eleanors friends, we can support mental health charities. As  the vicar said in his Eulogy, we can remember that the people we interact with on social media are real and they have feelings. Be kind.

In memory of Eleanor, I am committing to making support for people with mental health one of the missions for this blog. This will be a theme we return to. One rather strange thing, which I can't fully get my head around, is that on the 18th Feb, the day after Eleanor passed away, I felt a compulsion to post a blog about the need to support people with Mental Health issues. This was inspired by the sad suicide of Caroline Flack. I had literally posted the blog and put the kettle on when we heard the news of Eleanor. My daughter had seen a post on Facebook by Eleanor's sister Faye and phoned us in absolute bits. The shock had made me forget the blog, it seemed irrelevant, but I was reminded yesterday of this  by one of our friends at the funeral, who asked why I'd not mentioned Ellie, assuming that it was inspired by her passing. I gave a couple of links in that blog for people who are suffering issues. It seems sensible to repost them here.


If you are experiencing issues, there is advice from the NHS here - https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

If you need support in dealing with any issues related to mental health or are concerned about a friend, here is a list of various available services
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support

If you live in the Borough of Barnet then there is also Barnet voice for Mental Health
https://www.inclusionbarnet.org.uk/barnet-voice-for-mental-health

For those in South Yorkshire, there is Mind
https://www.rbmind.co.uk/

And of course Mental Health UK, who Eleanor's friends are collecting for
https://mentalhealth-uk.org/


I will finish by saying that with every year, I find the world harder to understand. It is beyond my comprehension why someone as lovely as Eleanor could see no future. We can't fix all the problems on the world, but we can be there for our friends. If you've been meaning  to pick up that phone, or pop around to see someone who might need a bit of support, but you've been a bit busy, then do it. That is all we can do, when it comes down to it.

Why we need to support, not demonise people with mental health issues

Mental health and social media is in the news at the moment for the most tragic of reasons. Mental health is a medical issue. It is something that will affect us all in some way during our lives. Sadly some still see it is a subject that can be weaponised or used to hurt people. I saw an example of this last week. As a few readers will know, I've been the target of a local twitter troll for a period of several years. My response has been to simply block all of his accounts and ignore the nonsense he writes (a course of action I thoroughly recommend). Occasionally, friends spot something that the Troll has tweeted and alert me, when the comments go beyond the pale. Last week I had one such message. They sent a screen shot of the offending tweet and informed me that it had been reported to Twitter. As it has now been removed and hopefully the miscreant has received a slapped wrist, I think it is worth discussing his comments, especially  in the light of Caroline Flack's suicide amid a social media storm.

The comment sneeringly claimed that I was seeing the doctor for mental health issues. It was clearly meant as a damaging and hurtful putdown and to undermine my credibility. My first reaction was to ignore the comment. Virtually no one follows the account (apart from spambots and follow back accounts run to harvest data) and as such it has no influence over anything and is locally perceived as a complete joke. But there was one aspect of the tweet which did bother me and on reflection I felt did deserve some analysis and comment. For the record I am not seeing the doctor for mental health issues. Before writing this blog, I took the precaution of asking Mrs T (The wife, not the former Prime Minister) whether she thought any aspect of my behaviour warrented a trip to the doctor. Clare is a sensible soul and gave a sensible answer, informing me that I should ignore comments on social media and that as far as she was concerned I had no issues. However, if I did have such issues, should anyone have the right to demonise me and belittle me for it?

Whilst I beleive I am in robust mental health now, it was not always so. As a teenager, between the age of 12-13, I did have such issues and was treated by specialist for depression. I spent several months on medication and was in a very dark place. I have recently been writing a book about my life. At the time, I completely refused to open up or discuss my issues. I would get violent and angry, or sullen and withdrawn when anyone tried to get me to open up. I now realise that I was suffering a form of post traumatic stress disorder, following my mother having cancer in 1970. At the time, it was expected that she would pass away. I had to see her in hospital, shrunken and pale, wasting away, with drips in her arm. I was seven years old. I was teased that "mum was going to die and I was going to become an orphan". I retreated into a fantasy world. A friend of mine, who I have known since I was four and used to live up the road and attend my primary school told me, not knowing why, that everyone used to joke I was "lost in space".  I have no recollection of this, but I'd knock on his mums door and demand they put the telly onto Lost in Space and other similar shows that fascinated me, but no one else was interested in. His mum, a lovely, compassionate Irish lady, clearly understood something was wrong and indulged this, bringing me tea and buscuits. My friend confided that they all just thought I was a bit weird. For me, the clouds lifted at the age of 14 with the discovery of punk rock and an identity. Suddenly it was OK to be a bit weird. My friend, who had not enjoyed sharing Lost in Space, became a firm friend as we'd go to gigs together and listen to the latest punk rock releases. I have since concluded that whilst I could keep the lid on my feelings as a child, the hormonal changes of puberty meant the pent up feelings overwhelmed me, hence the breakdown at age 12-13. I have sought to wonder whether many other children who have to deal with such trauma experience similar feelings at the onset of puberty.

It is only now that I realise just how low I was, and fortunately I've not been there since. Whilst it was an awful period, I am now pleased that it has given me an insight into the human psyche. In my 20's I became fascinated with the subject of psychology. I even considered doing an Open University degree on the subject. I read many books on the subject. I realised that I wasn't really interested in formal study. I hadn't discovered the joys of blogging then (mostly as the internet and blogging hadn't really been invented), so it was just an interest. I am someone who goes through phases of obsessive interest in subjects. Once I have had my fill, the knowledge is filed and I move on to the next subject. As with many of these obsessions, the knowledge acquired has come in extremely useful. Both in friendships and as an employer, understanding mental health issues and treating people affected with compassion has been a great asset. I'm not a qualified professional, I don't give medical advice which would be irresponsible. I have, however been able to provide support and assistance. I've always said to friends that I will be there for them, 24 x 7 if they are in crisis. As an example, a good friend of mine confided to me several years ago that he was contemplating suicide. This was the most serious challenge. I asked if he was serious about it. His response was that he was considering it as an option to solve his problems, but not as an immediate action. As we discussed it, I pointed out the effect this would have on his close family and friends and that many people would be devastated. He told me that he felt no one really liked him and that no one would miss him. I told him that it would break my heart if he did it and that I valued his friendship, listing many times when he'd supported me. He looked quite shocked and told me that this was a surprise. I don't want to go into too many details, but he is still around and now back on his feet. He still has mental health issues, but these are tempered by the realisation that people love him and he has value.

When I read of the demise of Caroline Flack, as I do whenever I hear of such a tragedy, I think of the appalling waste and the appalling loss. I have to be honest and say I'd never heard of her before she passed away, but the impact this has had shows many felt a connection. The sad thing is that she probably didn't realise. My own experience aged 13 was that you push people away and close down. People say "I'm fine" when they are not. They say "No" when asked if something is bothering them. Finding the right thing to say is almost impossible. My only advice is to take the time and make the effort. Don't think you can solve the problem, but you can be a part of the solution, just with support and kindness. I'm lucky that I often draw on music for inspiration in dark times. It is a connection with most of my friends. Finding such connections is one way through, but if the issues are serious, then get professional help.

If you are experiencing issues, there is advice from the NHS here - https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

If you need support in dealing with any issues related to mental health or are concerned about a friend, here is a list of various available services
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support

As the Time to Change website says

The reality is that mental health can affect anyone. Statistically, 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem in any given year. That’s why our work is so important. No one should have to fear being treated differently because of a mental health problem.

We must end the demonisation of people and the lazy slandering of those affected. If you see such abuse online, please report it. This is one area where zero tolerance is the only acceptable response.

This video from the Open University may be of some assistance

The sanest bloke I know

Yesterday I met a man with a mission. I'm not going to name him, but he used to drum in a band with me. He's one of my best friends and if I had to rely on someone in a life or death scenario who I could implictly trust, he'd be the first person I'd ask. He is also an absolutely blinding drummer. I was watching him playing with a few friends at a local pub.  His band were meant to perform a St Georges night gig, but he was let down by a bandmate on Thursday. Most people would have cried off, but my friend spent the evening ringing around and cobbled together a replacement. It was a good night and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As ever, we ended up chatting and drinking until we were kicked out at 2am. As I had to run a stall for the Lib Dems at 9.30am, this wasn't the best move I've ever made.

St Georges day is a strange day in the calendar. Our patron Saint is a rather problematic character in some ways. I rather upset a right wing leaning chap in the pub last night who asked me if I thought we should have a public holiday for him. I said I thought that this was a splendid idea, which he rather happily agreed with. He was less impressed when I commented that I thought it was fantastic that so many people could be united by a Palestinian who became a Roman soldier. My new found friend was suddenly rather less friendly and asked if I was trying to wind him up. I suspect that if I'd been 5'1 instead of 6'1 he may have chosen to up the ante of our exchange but as it was he skulked off and looked miserable for the rest of the evening. I pondered on why St George was famous. We all know he killed a Dragon. There's only one problem. Dragons don't exist. This brings us back to my conversation in the pub at 1am.

My friend was telling me that he was doing rather well. He's been plagued by mental illness over the years. This hasn't stopped him from working, raising a family or being a great musician. He was telling me that he has discovered his mission in life. What is this mission? To get people with mental health problems to take their medication. He explained to me that he's come to realise that medication is the secret to happiness for him. He said that it has taken him years to find the correct dosage at the correct level. He explained that many people with issues such as his, have their lives blighted because they don't take their meds. He said that when people stop taking them, it is because the dosage needs a minor adjustment. He has a sympathetic doctor who explained all of this to him and told him that if he started having problems or issues, don't stop the meds, come back and have a chat so the dosage could be adjusted first.

He told me that since the realisation that he could chemically control his problems, he's become an evangelist for medication. He has helped many other sufferers to control their problems and deal with their issues.  As we chatted about life the universe and everything, the subject of St George cropped up. He said "You know that many of the Saints were Paranoid schizophrenics, thats why they had visions". I replied "How many dragons have you slayed". His reply "Not as many as I've laid". I've often wondered with my friend whether the problem was more one of he really sees the world for what it is. I can't recall him ever making a bad judgement call about anything. Could it be that perhaps he's actually the sanest person I know?